The Last Snow: A Mother's Love

“Hello, can I help you find anything today?” A saleswoman came up and asked me.

“I actually found what I was looking for.” I told her, holding up the journal that I had just found.

“Perfect, let’s get you rung up.” She cheered.

I finished my transaction, and made my way out of the store and back to my car.

I could just tell I was getting near the end of this basically fantasy life that I’ve been able to live for a good ¾ of a year. It wasn’t hard to guess that the bands were getting impatient, and they knew how to get what they wanted.

As the time had passed by, I knew I had to have a way to create something for Bianca that would one day let her know all about me.

About how much I loved her and always would, what adventures we were able to share together, and let her know that my leaving was not of my own choice or accord. I wanted to leave behind messages of strength for her, and pictures of me to remember me.

It tore me to shreds inside, but I didn’t have the slightest clue as to if I’d ever see her again if...no, when they found me.

I couldn’t even think about that without breaking down into tears.

She was my love, my life...my whole world. Even the thought of life without her made me question if that was a life worth living.

I had to shake that though, I had to be strong for her while I still could be. In this journal I would create both of our legacies.

I didn’t know how much time I had left, but I knew I had to make every second count.


February 1st -

Dear Bianca,

If you’re reading this, it means that I’ve been gone for a while. One thing I need you to
know is that I love you, one day when you are old enough Taylor will explain everything to you and you’ll know my absence was not my choice. From the first second I met you, I realized just how special you were. Your never ending happiness and joy filled the sadness in my heart when I needed it the most. Many things in my life have gone in such a way that I could never see coming, and you were truly the only fully good one. You’ve made me a better person in these short 9 months, and you will always be in my heart and on my brain. Never forget me, and just know that when you look up into the sky at night, I’ll be staring at the same moon, longing to be at your side. I love you, and I promise you, one day...somehow I’ll find my way back to you.


February 8th -

Bianca,

Today was the very first day you stood up on your very own two feet all by yourself. I sobbed at the sight of it, my little girl was growing up so fast in front of my own two eyes. You had this smile on your face that said I can rule the world, you were so confident, even if you did take a tumble a few seconds after. Never lose that confidence, always show the world that you can and will always stand on your same two feet. What did you do after you fell down, you might be asking. You got right back up, do that as well for the rest of your life. No matter how many times you may fall, stumble, or fail, get right back up to show how strong you are.


February 14th -

Happy Valentines day my love! On such a special day meant for showing love to one another, I want to remind you how much I love you. You’re my world. You’re my heart, you mean everything and more to me. Every kiss and every hug we’ve shared I’ve cherished it so much, as I know I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you. I know what time we may still have together is short, and that makes these precious moments that much more special. You are my only one true valentine’s. I love you and will always have you in my heart.

Love,
Mom


February 24th -

Today was the first day we went to the zoo. Going to the zoo was one of my favorite things to do as a child with my mom, and I wanted to try and start that tradition with you as well. If my wishes have been kept, you are with her right now, and I hope this is something the two of you can do together to not only enjoy yourselves, but help keep me in both of your minds. I learned today that otters will hold each other’s hands while going down the river so that they won’t get separated from one another. If you ever feel that you need me, no matter what may be going on, hold out your right hand, close your eyes, and squeeze your hand three times. Imagine that I’m there next to you, comforting you, and doing just what that mother otter was doing, keeping her baby safe. I love you, and don’t ever be afraid to reach out and squeeze my hand. I’ll be there for you in mind and in spirit, always wishing to be right next to you.


“Bella, what’s wrong?” Kylie asked me, coming into the kitchen.

“Nothing!” I exclaimed, shutting and locking the journal.

My tears now staining every page I had written on so far.

“Oh dear, why are you crying?” She cooed.

“We both know what’s coming.” I sobbed, putting my head on the table, and crying harder than I ever have before.

This wasn’t just emotional pain, no, it was much worse than that.

It felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, and torn in half.

I could have sworn this is what a heart attack felt like.

I needed Bianca, and the thought of life without her was too painful to take.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I tried to protect you from it as long as I could. We tried to keep you and Bianca together for as long as possible, but you have to admit that you knew we couldn’t make this last forever.” She cooed, tears now coming from her eyes as well.

“I can’t go back, because I don’t want to live without her. But Kylie, I can’t keep running, that will kill me too. Why couldn’t Michael and DJ just let me fucking die in that bathtub?” I screeched, tears blurring my vision.

“Bella, shhh. You don’t mean that, don’t say something that terrible.” She cried.

“I just want to die.” I weeped.

“Enough! Don’t say that! You’re strong Bella, don’t let them get to you this late in the game. I know you’re hurting, but what good would you be dead to your daughter? Hmm? How hypocritical would it be for you to teach her to be strong and fierce, yet just give up yourself. That’s not the Bella I know. That’s not the Bella anyone of us knows. We both know we can’t escape what’s going to happen, but I’ll tell you one thing. You are still in control. You determine if you let them break you, they don’t get to choose that. So don’t give up now. Be stronger than ever, and show them what you’re made of. Don’t let them see this, this is what they want. They want you weak and scared, it makes it so much easier for them. Hold your head up high, and show your daughter how to be as tough as nails and stick up for yourself. Don’t let them win, ok?” She yelled, trying to boost me up.

“I’ll try,” I whispered.

“No, you won’t just try. You will do it, because you’re Bella Noel. You’re the fiercest force on this planet, and I know you can do it.” She growled.

I sat back up in my chair, wiped all of the tears from my eyes, and looked into hers.

“Promise me that you’ll help me get her to safety before they get me, and I’ll promise you that I won’t ever give up.” I said, through now clenched teeth.

“You have my word.” She said.

“This is so fucked up.” I groaned, putting my head in my hands.

“I know sweetheart, I know.” She said, sitting back in her seat, but keeping her hand on my back.

“Where are you going?” She asked, as I got up from the table.

“Bianca’s room.” I whispered.

I grabbed her journal and rushed to her room, where I quickly locked the door once I was inside.

I peeked inside of her crib and saw that she was fast asleep.

I snuck my journal for her into her diaper bag, and locked it back up.

“Everything will be ok.” I whispered over and over again.

To whom, I wasn’t fully sure. I suppose at this point I was just trying to keep myself sane.

I sent Taylor a quick text that said ‘I may need you sooner than I thought.’

Once my phone was set safely on the table, I paced back and forth, unsure of what my next step was.

I didn’t want to give in, yet I was so exhausted from running.

Why were those my only 2 options?

What was behind curtain 3?

Oh that’s right, it was just false hope.

I suppose that’s what most of this had been, a silly sense of false hope.

If I hadn’t been so naive, maybe I could have figured that out a long time ago.

It would have saved us all from a ton of pain.

Notes

Oh Bella....you poor thing, you.

It seems as if she has given up hope.

Does she have enough strength to pull off one last stunt?

Maybe, but either way, the clock is ticking down.




Thanks again for reading!
~BlackVeilsinWhite