Barley

I was fourteen when I fell in love for the first time. I was fifteen when he broke my heart. I was almost sixteen when we got back together. I was sixteen when I found out I was pregnant.

I had been up all night puking, violently. My head spun and every time my body moved an inch, the nausea kicked in and the vomit spilled. Finally, when the sun started to shine through the windows, I was better, still sick but my stomach was empty, well for the most part. I had puked until I couldn’t anymore.

I didn’t think anything of it until I looked in the mirror and saw that although I felt like shit, I didn’t completely look like it. And when I brought my hand to my forehead, praying for a fever, all I felt was the normal room temperature.

My stomach clenched at the thought. I mean we’d only just gotten back together and every time we had sex, we were protected and I took the morning after pill every single time.

Expect once. And in life, the failure of doing one little thing can change your entire life.

The father and I were best friends before falling in love. I didn’t have many friends, neither did he so when something happened we always went to each other.

I remember the day I told him I was. Or well the day I told him I thought I was. I swear I puked forty times before getting in the car and driving over. Some was the nausea but most was because of what his reaction would be.

His mom opened the door and greeted me with a hug, making me thankful I’d brushed my teeth.
The look she gave me when she pulled back screamed how much she knew. But her eyes we’re soft and her lips were between a smile and a frown.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked.

I hesitated for a second which felt too long and forced a smile. “Yes, of course.”

She put her hand on my cheek and made me make eye contact with her. She didn’t say anything but she knew. She wasn’t happy but she also knew I’d need all the support I could.

“Austin’s upstairs, honey.” She gave me a comforting smile and sent me on my way.

She was like a second mom to me, his father was like the father I never had. I’d known them for as long as I knew him and I was thankful for that relationship.

The walk up the stairs felt like forever, my heart pounded in my chest and for some reason, my hand felt the need to hold my stomach. As if his reaction was enough to take what could be inside me away.

I knocked on the door softly and it opened quickly.

“Babe! I knew you couldn’t be mom, she never knocks.” He smiled and kissed me, pulling me into him.

He walked me to his bed. I hadn’t been in his bed since we’d last had sex and the thought that I’m possibly carrying the child we accidentally made, made my throat dry and cheeks flush.
I stayed standing when he sat down on it, moving stuff around to make room, which gave me time to try to breathe.

I took a deep breath but ended up holding it, making my lip quiver and I felt the tears well up while he kept talking to me.

“I hadn’t heard from you in a while, I was beginning to get worried.” he chuckled to himself and then looked up at me.

The second my eyes met his soft brown ones, I lost it. The tears fell and my mouth gasped, I didn’t know how to tell him our lives we’re going to change forever.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Sh. Don’t cry, there’s no need to cry.” He tried, standing up and trying to wipe them away.

“There’s so needs to cry.” I choked out between sobs.

He looked confused. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

My sobs kept going between gasps. I could barley breathe. I’d been puking for a full week and avoiding him, I knew this whole time I probably was but now it seemed so real even without taking the test.

I kept opening my mouth to say something but all I did was gasp for more air and cry.
He looked so scared but he moved me into his chest anyways. He held me and stoked my back. After a few minutes, we moved to his bed and he laid me on him and continued to comfort him the best he could.

We were silent for a full hour until he spoke first. “It’s okay, Macy. What ever you have to tell me, tell me. What ever it I swear, I’ll do my best to get us through it, I promise.”

“I don’t know if you can.” I was unsure of everything at the moment.

“I can and I will.” He protested.

It was silent for a few minutes.

I looked him in the eyes and started to believe him.

“I’ve been sick this past week.. I’ve been puking like crazy.” i whispered. Neither of us took broke eye contact.

“I’ve been really nauseous all the time but I don’t have a fever.” His face read of confusion and then he understood.

“Macy.” He whispered. “Macy, are..are you..p-pregnant?”

I shut my eyes tightly and breathed. “I don’t know. I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t taken the test but..”

“But?” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“But..it feels like it.” I said, a tear fell from my eye down the side of my face.

He swallowed. “We need to get a test.”

“I can’t.” I cried.

“You can’t? Macy, we did and now if there’s something inside of you, we need to find out.” He said, getting up.

He walked to his closet and got a jacket then his wallet.

I slowly sat up and my throat felt like it was going to swell up. Tears kept falling and he came to my side with tissues and started to wipe my face.

“We need to get down stairs without my mom knowing. Please stop crying, babe.” He said and I did my best to stop.

We got up and went to the door, when we were in the hall way, he turned and faced me. His hands on both of my cheeks. “Like I said, what ever it is. We’ll get through this. I’ll get us through this.”

I believed him again but the fear of being a mother at sixteen still didn’t go away.

I nodded and we made our way down the stairs quietly and had the door open when his moms voice filled the room. “And where do you think your going?”

We stopped and looked at each other and he rolled his eyes. “Mom, we’re going out for literally two seconds. We’ll be back right away.”

“Where are we going for ‘literally two seconds’?” she mocked.

“The store.” he replied.

“And what does the store have that we don’t?” she asked again.

I swallowed and still hadn’t turned around to face her knowing that even though she already kind of knew, I would say it anyways.

“See ya, mom.” He laid his hand on my back and dragged me out the door with him.

The way he’d talk to his mom made me realize how young we are. How we still need our parents, how could we be ones ourselves?

I thought I was going to cry but instead my stomach turned while we walked down his porch steps and I started to gag.

“Shit, over here. Please. Please, make it.” He pulled me over behind the nearest bush where I bent over and puked again and again, trying to be as quiet as possible.

When I stopped, he wrapped his arms around me and walked me towards his car. “Are you okay?”

“That’s the longest I went without puking.” He stroked my back and opened the door for him, helping me inside.

He handed me a few napkins and found a plastic bag in the front seat. “Just in case.”

I sighed. “What are we going to do?”

“We’re going to get a test then we’ll figure everything out.” He placed his hand on my thigh.

“I think your mom knows.” I said.

He looked at me quickly, pulling his eyebrows together. “What? We don’t even know.”

“She’s a mom.” I said. “They always know before we do.”

He looked at me and I could feel that he was still holding out for this test to be negative. I don’t think its because he didn’t love me but because he didn’t know what we were going to do either.
We got the test and the lady at the register looked at both of us with a look for disapproval. I just didn’t know then that she was the first of many.

When we got to the house, his mom was in the kitchen making dinner and I had to tightly hold my hand over my mouth to keep from vomiting.

My hand shook so much while I held the test underneath me. We bough three because I knew we had to be sure.

I took them one at a time and locked the bathroom door while he sat anxiously in his bedroom.
Five minutes passed and the first test was ready.

My hands and forehead sweat, my heart pounded.
Two lines for positive. One line for negative.

My eyes met two bright pink lines and my breath caught in my throat. I ripped open another test. Waited for what felt like years.

Got two bright pink lines.

Tore open the last pregnancy test and prayed to God that I would never have sex again if this last test would be negative.
But instead of one line, I got another two bright pink lines.

Six bright pink lines told me my future. I found out I was pregnant in my boyfriend’s bathroom. Then puked a few more times.

I finally got up, taking the tests and boxes with me. I opened the door slowly, my whole body shook, you could hear the tests in the boxes rattle.

He looked up at me, knowing the answer.
“Austin, I’m pregnant.” I said and the tests fell from my hands, tears poured from my eyes.

I expected him to walk out or to yell or to join me in my sob fest.

But instead he caught me when I almost fell to knees and held me. He held me like he did when we were little and I fell and scraped my knees. He held me like he did when I was being bullied. He held me like he did the first time I told him I loved him and didn’t think he felt the same. He held me like he did after we’d have sex. He held me like he did hours before he even knew what I was going to say. He held me like if he let go I’d fall apart, which I would. He held me like he knew I needed him.

Notes