From Light Unto Darkness

Maybe it was because of the fear, or the guilt weighing heavily on my mind, but the drive took a lot longer than I remember.

When I eventually returned to the small barn off the dirt road miles away from the nearest paved path, it was six o’clock. The evening sun was just starting to set, not yet touching the horizon, but causing the rays to dim and dull out.

I had a hell-storm inside ready for me, but worse yet, I knew I had failed myself. I couldn’t do it and I had run away like a coward.

I should’ve been better.

The car door closed quietly behind me as I walked out, taking my bow and net with me. I unloaded the trunk before turning to the rain washed wooden barn. The door was left open a crack. Nicco had forgotten to close it, again.

Using the tip of my toe to nudge it open, I peered inside. No sign of him. He might be upstairs at his desk with his arms folded on themselves, staring at maps and writing down the occasional notes, just what he always did.

The lower floor was dark. After I set down my weapons, I quietly shuffled around to put them back in the assigned spots. The bow seemed to stare at me in disappointment, as if it hated me for not using it.

No sign of him.

A shaky sigh escaped my lips. Perhaps he hadn’t expected me to get back early and gone to town to get some supplies. Perhaps. But I can’t rely on perhaps and maybe.

Turning around, my eyes scanned the surroundings. No lamps were on, just the glow of the sun setting through the windows was the only light in on the dim room.

“Zila.”

His smooth voice appeared out of the darkness. I leapt out of my skin, stumbling back and my heart skipping a beat, but not in the good way. Instantly, my shoulders leveled backwards, feet taking a stance, and my eyes sought out the origin of the sound.

He leaned back against a wall near the couch, perfectly blending into the shadows. His eyes held a gleam of something not good. I didn’t know what, but it wasn’t something that spoke of tenderness.

“Hello, Nicco.” I mumbled, relaxing slightly. He came out of the shadows, walking lightly until he once again leaned on something. One of support posts.

“How did it go? The phone lines went out here and my scouts are unable to report. In fact, I couldn’t even send them out.” He asked easily, tempting me into telling him. He knew but maybe he didn’t and I had to choose an option: Tell or hide the truth.

A little of the weight on my mind eased up. The scouts weren’t there to take Austin out after I had failed. Good.

There was too long of a silence that passed between us. I couldn’t look into those two orbs that held so much power and authority. I would be crushed under the stare.

“Zila.”

I nearly broke down, taking a little step back as the failure started to pull me down.

“I didn’t kill him.” I whispered. Nicco’s eyes flashed with a fiery stare.

“What?”

“I-I didn’t k-kill h-him.” I repeated softer this time. Nicco flashed out of the shadows, instantly landing in front of me. I took a step back, bowing my head and grabbing the hem of my shirt. My fists balled around the fabric tightly, painfully.

“Didn’t, or couldn’t?” He asked in a deadly whisper. “Don’t lie.” His hiss pierced the air like an arrow.

“Couldn’t.” I mumbled. Nicco’s glare ripped holes through my skin. He was the shredder and I was the paper. I was resolved to nothing under my love’s stare.

“And why is that?” He demanded in such a sickly sweet whisper I felt a tear well up at the corner of my eye.

“Because he’s not a Grey!” I cried out. Nicco’s face remained unchanged. “He’s too sweet and he’s too kind and too much of a person to be a murderer!” I whimpered.

Nicco’s hand was out in a flash, grabbing my chin and yanking my head up so that I was forced to meet his eyes. I tried to worm away from him, but he held me tightly so that I whimpered for release.

His eyes softened for a moment before he shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have ever let you go out there.” He mumbled. His hand dropped my chin and he turned around, walking away, and leaving me with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I couldn’t get over the fact that my love was disappointed in me because I had failed him.

I had failed him.

Nicco had turned to the kitchen, looking over a book of notes. Ripping my gaze away from him, I turned and fled up the stairs, making my steps as quiet as the midnight silence under a paper moon. He wouldn’t care to notice me.

I ran to the second floor and ducked under part of the collapsed roof that had recently been repaired. I crawled down to my favorite spot away from everyone else and the world.

I hid there under wooden boards and a musty smell that one could get used to if only they stayed for long enough. I hid away from everyone and everything and I slowly lost the courage to ever come out again.

It was the highest place in the barn that was secluded. There were high beams that I liked to hang out on by the very top of the roof, but that was out in the open. I needed my own little dark spot as high up as I can. This place was just under the beams, behind some wooden crates.

All I could think about were those brown eyes that asked me to dance and the man that cared enough about another person to take a risk and talk to them. I thought of how I couldn’t kill him and how I failed Nicco and how I made him mad.

I don’t like making him mad.

I don’t like making him disappointed.

Nothing seems to be working out in my favor today.

The tears streamed down my face. I shouldn’t be crying. Crying is weakness. Weakness means death. Too much emotions can cause distraction. Distraction means death.

I have to be stoic and emotionless for these things.

My hands angrily batted the tears away, but they wouldn’t stop.

An hour passed.

Maybe two.

Probably three.

Eventually four.

Four hours passed. The light had made my little hideaway completely dark. The river had dried and my tears no longer flowed. My lips were pursed in a frown, but I stayed huddled in my spot, eyelids drooping sleepily.

Footsteps echoed up the stairs. I huddled my knees further into my chest. It was Nicco, but I couldn’t face him. I’d rather sleep in this cramped space and wake up with a crook in my neck than go out and face his sadness.

I don’t like to make him sad.

“Zila?” He asked wearily, his voice a distance echo in the second floor. I bit my lip, eyes closed.

More footsteps.

The steps approached my spot, just under the boxes.

“Come out, my love. I know you’re up there.” He pleaded. I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to see his disappointed face.

Disappointed in me.

“My love, please come out.” He cooed. I stuck my head out, looking down to his dimly illuminated face. He had turned the lamp on near the bed, shedding little light onto the floor. “Come here, my dear.” He whispered, holding his hand out for me to join him.

Reluctantly, I crawled out of my hidey place and took his hand. He held onto it tightly as I landed on my feet lightly. Nicco pulled me out to his bed, gently pushing me to sit on my knees in front of it. He sat on the edge of the bed, picking up my blue hairbrush.

“I am sorry for being harsh with you earlier today, my love.” He whispered. I turned around from having my back facing him. Wrapping my arms around his leg, I pressed my face into his knee.

“I am sorry for failing you, Nicco.” I mumbled unhappily. His hands undid my ponytail, running his fingers through the long strands.

“It was my fault. I hadn’t prepared you for what would happen. I hadn’t prepared you for what they were like. I had given you such a big mission for someone who had never targeted one before. For that, I am sorry.” He leaned down, kissing the top of my head. I whimpered into his leg, hugging it tighter.

“I’m not going to fail you next time.” I mumbled. He laughed.

“We’ll have more time to practice.” He took the brush, running it through my hair. The knots easily came undone under his touch. Nicco knew that I liked have my hair played with it and brushed, so he liked to do these types of things as a special treat on occasion.

When he was finished, he set the hairbrush back in the drawer and stood up. I shed my shirt and shorts, throwing them on my bed to put away later. I crawled under the covers of Nicco’s bed, laying down next to him as he returned.

He lay down under the sheets in his green plaid boxers as I curled up next to him in my bra and panties. He reached over and clicked off the light.

His fingers lightly ran over my skin, feeling all over my body. Just an intimate moment in under the cover of night. Nicco’s fingers traced every inch of my skin as I drifted off, eventually his arm just wrapping around me and holding me close, his breath kissing my neck to sleep.

Notes