I Was All For You.
You Know Me All Too Well
“I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink.
I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.”
BMTH’s Can You Feel My Heart played through my earphones as I lay still in the comfort of my bunk. The light breeze from a fan coming in through a gap in the curtain, my thumbs twiddling on my phone keyboard. Ever since my sister came, I decided I would catch up with my niece; she did like my music and all.
To: Emily
How come you didn’t come to the show?
From: Emily
My mum wouldn’t let me come. L It’s fine tho, you’re coming for Thanksgiving at nana’s, right?
To: Emily
I don’t know. I’ll tell you if I do. You might find something in the post from the guys and I, don’t tell your mum.
From: Emily
Okay, I won’t. Urgh, you’ve made me excited now! XD
To: Emily
Well, I hope you like it. I gotta go, Skype me later if you want?
From: Emily
Definitely! Okay, bye. Xx
It seemed like only yesterday she was that five year old who was always draining the life out of everyone, especially Austin. Back then, everything seemed fine. My mother didn’t know about my love for the drums, she didn’t know I kept it in the shed. It was my uncle’s; he bought it to just collect dust. At that time, it was my coping mechanism. With all the shit going on in school, I needed an escape and that’s exactly what it provided for me.
“How’s Em?” It was Austin. He shuffled himself onto my bunk, flipping open my laptop.
“I sent her some tickets; Izzy said she was a fan.”
“What did Iz say? I mean I didn’t’ see her for long.”
“Eh, not much..,” I sighed. After she confronted me, I was in utter shock. I hadn’t told anyone. So, how the fuck did she know?
“I know that face, she obviously said something. Spill.” He was right; there was no way I could keep anything from him. But if I managed to keep this secret for 5 years, then I can keep it for longer.
“She told me to stay away from you, the band, everyone. I don’t know why, it’s not like she has the right.”
“Did she say anything about Mama Stewart?”
“Nope. Well, nothing rational. Em wants me to have Thanksgiving with them, I swear, she’s the only one I actually like in this family.”
“WHAT ABOUT US? ARE WE NOT YOU’RE FAMILY?” Chase shouted, climbing into the bunk with Ned, Denny, and Levi. Baring in mind it was a small bunk, we were very squished.
“Okay, okay. I love you guys more.” They all cheered over my giggles, climbing out one-by-one.
“Now that’s all over, you guys have a signing at 2, and are playing at 4.Tomorrow we have an off day for 3 days before we head for Canada.” We all nodded and I returned to my bunk with Austin. Flipping open my laptop again, I turned on The Hobbit: Desolation Of Smaug, my second favourite out of The Hobbit trilogy.
“Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort...” From the ringtone coming from my phone, I knew it was my mother. Luckily, she called at the right time; I had just taken a picture with the last fan in the line.
“Hello?”
“Nelly? Is that you?”
“Yes, mum. It’s me.”
“Great. I know you’re in Seattle so why don’t you come visit us, dear?”
“W-What? You want me to visit you?”
“Yes, that’s what I said. Do you not want to spend time with you mother? Bring some of your friends, Nelly; I would like to meet your fellow band friends.”
“Are you feeling okay, mum?”
“Of course, I’m feeling okay! Bring Austin as well, I bet he’s still as handsome since the last time I saw him.”
“What’s the catch?”
“There’s no catch, silly. Can an old woman not miss her daughter every once in awhile.”
“Yes, but, that old woman kicked her daughter out 5 years ago.”
“That was the past, now’s the future. Be here at 7 sharp, there’s food for everybody.”
“What-" She hung up before I could even take in what she was saying. My mother, the woman who kicked her seventeen year old daughter out, was now inviting my band mates and I to have dinner? There’s obviously a catch. If this woman really was my mum, then something was up. I need a smoke.
When I finally arrived at the bus, I bumped into Alex S. Just the person who would have a lighter.
“Hey, Alex, do you have a lighter I can borrow?” He looked at me quizzically before stuffing his hand in his pocket.
“Keep it if you want, I've got some more anyway.”
“Thanks,” I smiled before retreating up the bus stairs to find my backpack. Smoking was never really a habit of mine, but while I was going through college, the need became more frequent. My mother never paid for my university fee, that’s what my grandma invested in. She was the only one who ever thought I would do anything, the one who out a roof over my head and food on my plate. Thankfully, I was able to pay her back all the expenses before she died. I would've loved for her to see where I was now.
Once I had finally grabbed the pack buried under wires and other crap, I hurried to the roof. Heights only slightly bothered me, but only places where people wouldn't find me encase I fell. So the bus roof happened to be perfect for me.
Clouds of tobacco filled my lungs as I inhaled the harmful smoke. Yes, I was fully aware of the consequences smoking came with but I was never bothered. Something else would kill me before it had a chance anyway.
“Whatcha’ stressed about?” Denny climbed up onto the roof, sitting next to me and resting his head in my shoulder.
“You guys finally get to meet my mother.” I laughed, inhaling again deeply from the cigarette.
“You’re serious?!” Denny beamed, jumping up.
I smiled. “Yup. You, Ned, Chase, Levi, and Austin. She wants all of you guys to come, at 7.” Another squeal came from him as he started getting down.
“I have to find an outfit to wear! Oh, and I have to do my hair. So many things to do in so little time!” He exasperated, flapping his arms around. Soon after I finished smoking, I also clambered off. By now, Levi, Ned, Chase, and Austin had been informed by an overly excited Denny. To fill up the free time, I decided to go watch Tay’s band, We Are The In Crowd, perform seeing as we were on after them.
They ended on Both Sides Of The Story, one of my all time favourites. Mike bounced around on the stage as Tay and Jordan belted out their parts. The excitement on their faces were mesmerizing, it was like they played as if it was their last. As did every band.
“You okay?” Tiff asked, folding a couple of shirts.
“Yeah, just a bit nervous. I don’t want to mess up the performance because I’m worried about the guys meeting my mother..,”
“Hey, you’ll do great as you always do. Try focus on someone that makes you happy, not you’re treacherous mother.” She giggled, hugging me. Tiff and I were pretty close, not like I was with Austin, but still close. She was my roommate in university, which is how I knew her.
“Austin, put a foot on it!” Denny screamed, sitting at the back of some rental car Levi ordered. We were on our way to my mother’s, and we had 3 minutes to get there exactly. Let’s just say, Denny was more excited than a kid on Christmas. Obviously, he didn't know that my mum was a very strict Catholic who also happens to be a homophobic bitch.
“Calm down, man. We've got plenty of time,” Austin paused, quickly checking his watch before focusing on the road once more, “See, 2 minutes.”
“Hurry the fuck up! She said 7 sharp, so we gotta’ be there at 7 fucking sharp!” Chase looked at Denny as if he was insane before getting out some random handkerchief and stuffing it in Denny’s mouth. We all grinned as a thank you. Only muffled screams came from Denny’s mouth as Austin pulled up in the house I once lived in. I couldn't find the will to get out of the car as everyone else stepped out.
“Hey, it’s gonna’ be fine.”
“I haven’t seen her in 5 years, shit. What am I doing?”
“We’re all here; if she fucks with you then she’s fucking with us.” I giggled. “C’mon, let’s go.” With that, he dragged me out and towards the door. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if mum slammed the door in my face. I mean, just a bunch of tattooed people just appeared at her door.
“Nelly, it’s been a while.” She grinned, grabbing me into a hug. I tried to struggle out but she had a firm grip around me.
“Hey, mum.” I reluctantly said.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends,” She spoke, her hands placed on her hips. Denny and Austin were grinning; Levi, Chase, and Ned were standing there just trying to look presentable. Denny made sure everyone was wearing appropriate clothes, and that nobody stank of alcohol and sweat.
“Uh, this is Ned, Chase, Levi, and Denny. And, Austin, but you already know that.” I nodded, glancing from Austin to her. She eyed them suspiciously before smiling wide. I could tell it was fake, only because I knew her, anyone else would think it was actually real.
“My name’s Mama Stewart, it’s nice to finally meet you all. Well, come on in. You've surprised me, Nelly, it is 7 exactly.” Everyone looked towards the smiling Denny; you could tell he was mentally patting himself on the back. We all walked in, my mother leading the way to the front room.
“I hope none of you hate casseroles, it’s my only specialty I’m afraid.” Rushing into the kitchen, she spoke. I didn’t speak, I don’t think I could. The rooms seemed the same since I was 17; the only thing missing was every single photo I was in. They were all of holidays where I was absent or Izzy’s graduation or Emily’s first day of school. My finger brushed the edge of the mantel piece, dust collected up on the tip of my finger making me wonder if she had done anything to my room. Everyone was silent, as if they were giving me space to take in what I was doing. I was at my mum’s house with my best friends having a casual dinner. But I wasn't. I was the mother who didn’t believe in me’s house with the people who had faith in me. The very people she hated with every fibre of her being.
“Why did you invite me here?” Bluntly, I asked. There was no need for me to put it softly, I wanted answers.
“I have realized I am growing old, so why not see who you associate yourself with. Now, is that such a crime?” A laugh escaped her mouth as she guided the guys to the dining room where there were platters of food.
“Let’s say grace, shall we. Chase, would you like to start us off?” He looked at me before hesitantly nodding and placing my left hand in his. My mother closed her eyes and we all followed suit. To say Chase had no idea what he was doing was an understatement, the poor guy had never said a prayer in his life. Instead, he decided he would recite the hymn that Sheldon’s Mother from The Big Bang Theory recites. I nearly bursted out laughing.
“So, what do all of you do in the band? I know my Nelly here plays the drums,”
“I play bass, Chase is the unclean vocalist, Ned sings and plays guitar, and Levi is our tour manager.” Denny introduced, kissing ass.
“Unclean vocalist? You make the same horrific noise Austin does?” Silence fell upon them, even Austin stared down at his plate.
“Yes, mum, he does.”
“Hmm. Anyway, all of you have girlfriends, I’m presuming?”
“Yes. Well, Ned, Chase and Levi do. I’m actually gay, ma’am.” Sub consciously; I bit my lip as she nearly spluttered out the salad she had been chewing on.
“How’s Emily, Mama Stewart?” Austin asked, changing the topic. I mouthed him a thank you seeing as we all knew what would happen if we carried on.
“Amelia is perfectly well, Austin. She seems to like your genre of noise, though. I’m very proud of Izzy, having a very beautiful daughter and all. Just waiting for Nelly over here to give me another.”
“I’m twenty-two.”
“And? You’re not exactly doing anything with your life, are you? Wasting all your time on some terrible band, with freaks. I grew you up to be better than this.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Chase firmly put his hand on my arm to stop me from starting an argument, but she had pushed it too far.
“Nelly, sit down. And yes, I am serious. What a shame my mother even took you in, ended up killing her anyway.”
“What are you trying to say? That she died because of me? ‘Cause if that’s what you think, then you need to get your fucking head out of your ass. She was more of a mother to me than you ever were, so don’t you dare start criticizing my career. You invited me here so you could what, hate on everything I do? It’s the same with Izzy. The bitch in her obviously came from your genetics.” After I finished my mini rant, I shoved my chair back and headed for the door.
“You’re just going to walk out again like you did when you were 17?! Real mature.” She rolled her eyes.
“For your information, you kicked me out. Maybe if you keep rolling your eyes back, you might find a brain back there!”
“Get out! All of you, get out. None of you are right in the head! You’re gay fro Christ’s sake! Just, leave and take your emo friends with you!”
“My fucking pleasure, mother.”
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink.
I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.”
BMTH’s Can You Feel My Heart played through my earphones as I lay still in the comfort of my bunk. The light breeze from a fan coming in through a gap in the curtain, my thumbs twiddling on my phone keyboard. Ever since my sister came, I decided I would catch up with my niece; she did like my music and all.
To: Emily
How come you didn’t come to the show?
From: Emily
My mum wouldn’t let me come. L It’s fine tho, you’re coming for Thanksgiving at nana’s, right?
To: Emily
I don’t know. I’ll tell you if I do. You might find something in the post from the guys and I, don’t tell your mum.
From: Emily
Okay, I won’t. Urgh, you’ve made me excited now! XD
To: Emily
Well, I hope you like it. I gotta go, Skype me later if you want?
From: Emily
Definitely! Okay, bye. Xx
It seemed like only yesterday she was that five year old who was always draining the life out of everyone, especially Austin. Back then, everything seemed fine. My mother didn’t know about my love for the drums, she didn’t know I kept it in the shed. It was my uncle’s; he bought it to just collect dust. At that time, it was my coping mechanism. With all the shit going on in school, I needed an escape and that’s exactly what it provided for me.
“How’s Em?” It was Austin. He shuffled himself onto my bunk, flipping open my laptop.
“I sent her some tickets; Izzy said she was a fan.”
“What did Iz say? I mean I didn’t’ see her for long.”
“Eh, not much..,” I sighed. After she confronted me, I was in utter shock. I hadn’t told anyone. So, how the fuck did she know?
“I know that face, she obviously said something. Spill.” He was right; there was no way I could keep anything from him. But if I managed to keep this secret for 5 years, then I can keep it for longer.
“She told me to stay away from you, the band, everyone. I don’t know why, it’s not like she has the right.”
“Did she say anything about Mama Stewart?”
“Nope. Well, nothing rational. Em wants me to have Thanksgiving with them, I swear, she’s the only one I actually like in this family.”
“WHAT ABOUT US? ARE WE NOT YOU’RE FAMILY?” Chase shouted, climbing into the bunk with Ned, Denny, and Levi. Baring in mind it was a small bunk, we were very squished.
“Okay, okay. I love you guys more.” They all cheered over my giggles, climbing out one-by-one.
“Now that’s all over, you guys have a signing at 2, and are playing at 4.Tomorrow we have an off day for 3 days before we head for Canada.” We all nodded and I returned to my bunk with Austin. Flipping open my laptop again, I turned on The Hobbit: Desolation Of Smaug, my second favourite out of The Hobbit trilogy.
“Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort...” From the ringtone coming from my phone, I knew it was my mother. Luckily, she called at the right time; I had just taken a picture with the last fan in the line.
“Hello?”
“Nelly? Is that you?”
“Yes, mum. It’s me.”
“Great. I know you’re in Seattle so why don’t you come visit us, dear?”
“W-What? You want me to visit you?”
“Yes, that’s what I said. Do you not want to spend time with you mother? Bring some of your friends, Nelly; I would like to meet your fellow band friends.”
“Are you feeling okay, mum?”
“Of course, I’m feeling okay! Bring Austin as well, I bet he’s still as handsome since the last time I saw him.”
“What’s the catch?”
“There’s no catch, silly. Can an old woman not miss her daughter every once in awhile.”
“Yes, but, that old woman kicked her daughter out 5 years ago.”
“That was the past, now’s the future. Be here at 7 sharp, there’s food for everybody.”
“What-" She hung up before I could even take in what she was saying. My mother, the woman who kicked her seventeen year old daughter out, was now inviting my band mates and I to have dinner? There’s obviously a catch. If this woman really was my mum, then something was up. I need a smoke.
When I finally arrived at the bus, I bumped into Alex S. Just the person who would have a lighter.
“Hey, Alex, do you have a lighter I can borrow?” He looked at me quizzically before stuffing his hand in his pocket.
“Keep it if you want, I've got some more anyway.”
“Thanks,” I smiled before retreating up the bus stairs to find my backpack. Smoking was never really a habit of mine, but while I was going through college, the need became more frequent. My mother never paid for my university fee, that’s what my grandma invested in. She was the only one who ever thought I would do anything, the one who out a roof over my head and food on my plate. Thankfully, I was able to pay her back all the expenses before she died. I would've loved for her to see where I was now.
Once I had finally grabbed the pack buried under wires and other crap, I hurried to the roof. Heights only slightly bothered me, but only places where people wouldn't find me encase I fell. So the bus roof happened to be perfect for me.
Clouds of tobacco filled my lungs as I inhaled the harmful smoke. Yes, I was fully aware of the consequences smoking came with but I was never bothered. Something else would kill me before it had a chance anyway.
“Whatcha’ stressed about?” Denny climbed up onto the roof, sitting next to me and resting his head in my shoulder.
“You guys finally get to meet my mother.” I laughed, inhaling again deeply from the cigarette.
“You’re serious?!” Denny beamed, jumping up.
I smiled. “Yup. You, Ned, Chase, Levi, and Austin. She wants all of you guys to come, at 7.” Another squeal came from him as he started getting down.
“I have to find an outfit to wear! Oh, and I have to do my hair. So many things to do in so little time!” He exasperated, flapping his arms around. Soon after I finished smoking, I also clambered off. By now, Levi, Ned, Chase, and Austin had been informed by an overly excited Denny. To fill up the free time, I decided to go watch Tay’s band, We Are The In Crowd, perform seeing as we were on after them.
They ended on Both Sides Of The Story, one of my all time favourites. Mike bounced around on the stage as Tay and Jordan belted out their parts. The excitement on their faces were mesmerizing, it was like they played as if it was their last. As did every band.
“You okay?” Tiff asked, folding a couple of shirts.
“Yeah, just a bit nervous. I don’t want to mess up the performance because I’m worried about the guys meeting my mother..,”
“Hey, you’ll do great as you always do. Try focus on someone that makes you happy, not you’re treacherous mother.” She giggled, hugging me. Tiff and I were pretty close, not like I was with Austin, but still close. She was my roommate in university, which is how I knew her.
“Austin, put a foot on it!” Denny screamed, sitting at the back of some rental car Levi ordered. We were on our way to my mother’s, and we had 3 minutes to get there exactly. Let’s just say, Denny was more excited than a kid on Christmas. Obviously, he didn't know that my mum was a very strict Catholic who also happens to be a homophobic bitch.
“Calm down, man. We've got plenty of time,” Austin paused, quickly checking his watch before focusing on the road once more, “See, 2 minutes.”
“Hurry the fuck up! She said 7 sharp, so we gotta’ be there at 7 fucking sharp!” Chase looked at Denny as if he was insane before getting out some random handkerchief and stuffing it in Denny’s mouth. We all grinned as a thank you. Only muffled screams came from Denny’s mouth as Austin pulled up in the house I once lived in. I couldn't find the will to get out of the car as everyone else stepped out.
“Hey, it’s gonna’ be fine.”
“I haven’t seen her in 5 years, shit. What am I doing?”
“We’re all here; if she fucks with you then she’s fucking with us.” I giggled. “C’mon, let’s go.” With that, he dragged me out and towards the door. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if mum slammed the door in my face. I mean, just a bunch of tattooed people just appeared at her door.
“Nelly, it’s been a while.” She grinned, grabbing me into a hug. I tried to struggle out but she had a firm grip around me.
“Hey, mum.” I reluctantly said.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends,” She spoke, her hands placed on her hips. Denny and Austin were grinning; Levi, Chase, and Ned were standing there just trying to look presentable. Denny made sure everyone was wearing appropriate clothes, and that nobody stank of alcohol and sweat.
“Uh, this is Ned, Chase, Levi, and Denny. And, Austin, but you already know that.” I nodded, glancing from Austin to her. She eyed them suspiciously before smiling wide. I could tell it was fake, only because I knew her, anyone else would think it was actually real.
“My name’s Mama Stewart, it’s nice to finally meet you all. Well, come on in. You've surprised me, Nelly, it is 7 exactly.” Everyone looked towards the smiling Denny; you could tell he was mentally patting himself on the back. We all walked in, my mother leading the way to the front room.
“I hope none of you hate casseroles, it’s my only specialty I’m afraid.” Rushing into the kitchen, she spoke. I didn’t speak, I don’t think I could. The rooms seemed the same since I was 17; the only thing missing was every single photo I was in. They were all of holidays where I was absent or Izzy’s graduation or Emily’s first day of school. My finger brushed the edge of the mantel piece, dust collected up on the tip of my finger making me wonder if she had done anything to my room. Everyone was silent, as if they were giving me space to take in what I was doing. I was at my mum’s house with my best friends having a casual dinner. But I wasn't. I was the mother who didn’t believe in me’s house with the people who had faith in me. The very people she hated with every fibre of her being.
“Why did you invite me here?” Bluntly, I asked. There was no need for me to put it softly, I wanted answers.
“I have realized I am growing old, so why not see who you associate yourself with. Now, is that such a crime?” A laugh escaped her mouth as she guided the guys to the dining room where there were platters of food.
“Let’s say grace, shall we. Chase, would you like to start us off?” He looked at me before hesitantly nodding and placing my left hand in his. My mother closed her eyes and we all followed suit. To say Chase had no idea what he was doing was an understatement, the poor guy had never said a prayer in his life. Instead, he decided he would recite the hymn that Sheldon’s Mother from The Big Bang Theory recites. I nearly bursted out laughing.
“So, what do all of you do in the band? I know my Nelly here plays the drums,”
“I play bass, Chase is the unclean vocalist, Ned sings and plays guitar, and Levi is our tour manager.” Denny introduced, kissing ass.
“Unclean vocalist? You make the same horrific noise Austin does?” Silence fell upon them, even Austin stared down at his plate.
“Yes, mum, he does.”
“Hmm. Anyway, all of you have girlfriends, I’m presuming?”
“Yes. Well, Ned, Chase and Levi do. I’m actually gay, ma’am.” Sub consciously; I bit my lip as she nearly spluttered out the salad she had been chewing on.
“How’s Emily, Mama Stewart?” Austin asked, changing the topic. I mouthed him a thank you seeing as we all knew what would happen if we carried on.
“Amelia is perfectly well, Austin. She seems to like your genre of noise, though. I’m very proud of Izzy, having a very beautiful daughter and all. Just waiting for Nelly over here to give me another.”
“I’m twenty-two.”
“And? You’re not exactly doing anything with your life, are you? Wasting all your time on some terrible band, with freaks. I grew you up to be better than this.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Chase firmly put his hand on my arm to stop me from starting an argument, but she had pushed it too far.
“Nelly, sit down. And yes, I am serious. What a shame my mother even took you in, ended up killing her anyway.”
“What are you trying to say? That she died because of me? ‘Cause if that’s what you think, then you need to get your fucking head out of your ass. She was more of a mother to me than you ever were, so don’t you dare start criticizing my career. You invited me here so you could what, hate on everything I do? It’s the same with Izzy. The bitch in her obviously came from your genetics.” After I finished my mini rant, I shoved my chair back and headed for the door.
“You’re just going to walk out again like you did when you were 17?! Real mature.” She rolled her eyes.
“For your information, you kicked me out. Maybe if you keep rolling your eyes back, you might find a brain back there!”
“Get out! All of you, get out. None of you are right in the head! You’re gay fro Christ’s sake! Just, leave and take your emo friends with you!”
“My fucking pleasure, mother.”
Notes
Well, that happened... I don't know if any of you guys actually like the story. XD I hope you do. I'm really bad at ending chapters, so I'm sorry. Thank you for over 400 views!
Nel's Outfit.
- Hen.
Um, hey, people. This is Hen, uh, basically, I can't use the account this story is on anymore so I will be posting it on this new acc. I'm going to start it off from chapter 12, so yeah.
4/26/15