Toxic Valentine. (Fransykes)

“Fuck this,” That was the first thing that tumbled from Oli’s mouth when Kellin Quinn leaned against the wall with an eyebrow raised and his cell phone dangling between his fingertips, eyes trained on the British lad. With all matters considered this was a good day, when the two friends would shout at each other, curse each other, roll their eyes and spew whatever nonsensical wrongdoings they could too smear their names. There was no mistake about their relationship though many would look at them and think they despised each other, in reality that was their way of caring for people so very opposite too them. “Fuck all this, I didn’t ask for this,” The American raised an eyebrow and played interest, faking reassurance when in reality he simply wanted to call the other a drama queen. “I was doing so well, I’m close to being married, and then I see his again and…”

“You knew it would upset you, so why did you stay the whole tour? You could’ve ditched it, you knew this would happen,” As it so happened, this made little sense, as Kellin who was as homesick as any other man on this tour had been close to tears on a Skype call last night to his wife. He was aware that the distance from his wife and child would do this, but he took it and ran anyway. “It’s just Josh, why don’t you speak to him?” That was also a ridiculous proposal, as the last time the two had even ghosted each other’s presence there was nothing but silence and pain echoing between them. Josh’s eyes had been so full of agony. All this over one night, yet he knew that night had been so much more to Josh, the first time he just gave in to his needs so easily, with so much trust.

“I can’t do this Kellin,” The formalities seemed ridiculous given the discussion they were amidst, but Oli could never find it in himself too bring up a pet name for the other boy, it didn’t seem right seeing as on a good day they despised each other. For someone so fierce, they skinny boy appeared so fragile that even Kellin couldn’t hold back slinging an arm around him but still no words of comfort bubbled to the surface. “I broke him, I can see it, I took all of him and then pushed him away as if he meant fuck all too me, all cos I was a scared little bastard,”
“You can do it, you’ve managed so far, right? What’s so different about this time?” Silence.

“Me and Hannah are getting married after this tour,” The sound of breathing is the only thing to be heard and the shorter pulls away with a brutal look in his eyes. Oli knows what he’s thinking, he knows that Kellin is disgusted with him, but he’s also so used to that from the other man that it hardly stung him. “She wanted too, I couldn’t tell her no, she wants a family…kids and…” He didn’t cry, Oliver Sykes didn’t cry, mainly because he wasn’t him without the man he truly loved after all, the best part of him was too broken to fit anymore.

“You shouldn’t do this, it’s not fair on her,” He thought of Katelynne and Copeland at home, what his little daughter would be like if he didn’t love her mommy. “It’s not fair on any child you have, it’s not fair on you and for fuck’s sake it’s not fair on Josh,” And there was the Kellin Quinn that the fans would never see, this angry and violent man with fire in his aqua eyes and a bitterness on his lips as he spoke. But every word was true “If you go through with that wedding Oliver, I swear to any fucking God out there, I will never speak to you again,”

And then he left, he left and found Vic, who immediately wondered why his good friend was so aggravated and tense that his temple throbbed and eyes almost watered. For a moment, the Mexican worried that Kellin was panicking over his family again, because unlike him Kellin had that too get home to, the last time he had missed his daughter’s first words and it had broken him into pieces. There was the first time he came back after her birth and didn’t recognise him, which had left the American calling Vic at 2AM with blood the colour of Guinness as he sobbed and ranted about quitting his job and being normal. He didn’t quit though.

“What’s up?” Cautious and careful, which was just Vic in a nutshell really, sometimes really nosy, but he was quiet and sneaky which was why no one ever suspected his arrogance and interference. “Are you ok, you don’t look too well Kells,” See, unlike Oli, the Mexican found the capability to slip in a nickname as if it were nothing, because too him it were nothing, they’d been friends since they busted into the business together, the music industry was a scary place to go without allies.

“Nothing Vic, just go away…make sure your brother isn’t drinking himself to death or some shit,” Vic stepped back as if burnt, he’d done nothing wrong, but he was being treated like shit. Kellin had done nothing wrong, but he’d still ended up with everyone else’s problems in this, right? As if he didn’t struggle every day and every night being on tour, terrified of the dark and missing his loved ones as if they had been torn away from him, Oli and Josh could deal with their own shit, could they not? They were grown men acting like children.

If only he knew how bad it had gotten though, he had lived through the depression of the Sheffield boy, it had been him being called at 3AM, a bottle of pills by his side as he whimpered and spilled every fear and focus. And yeah, Kellin had been surprised to get that call because previously they couldn’t stand each other, and maybe that’s why he had been called, maybe he thought that the other smaller ebony haired man would tell him to go ahead. That was a sore thought too think.

Instead the American had listened as Oli told him of his story, of his depression and how Josh had hauled him head first out of it, of how he loved Josh and told him all these lies and secrets to keep him there until he panicked and ran away. He told him he didn’t love Hannah, and he hated too lead her on. He told him he loved Josh, but it was more complicated than just saying yes, like there was a contract to it. And then he said he didn’t want to be alive anymore, that music was all he lived for and he couldn’t even sing anymore. In the end, Kellin stayed until 1AM talking about life and how it sucks, and that at the end of the day what makes him happy is what’s important. It’s all he could offer, he hadn’t experienced heartbreak like that.

The next day they didn’t speak, no call to check the other was ok, every tour they simply exchanged a nod, every interaction was bitter and sarcastic. There was no friendship or loathing between them, they simply continued as if the night had never had happened.

Notes