Repeating Apologies

I woke up with a pounding head, I was in my own bed but I wasn't alone, there were arms wrapped around me, I turned my head slowly to see the face I didn't want to see. It was Justin. He was cold and fast asleep. I slipped myself out of his arms without waking him and walked out of the room, I was heading for the bathroom. As I stepped out of my door I realized it was a lot later on in the day than i thought. My head hurt as I walked into the bright room, I closed my eyes to avoid the bright light but then I heard my name. I opened my eyes slowly to see Austin and Aaron sat on the sofa. I was just in my boxers so it was kind of awkward. They both looked at me in shock and both looked worried out of their mind. I stood still with wide eyes and their strange looks. "W-What?" I asked sheepishly. They both tripped over their words, Aaron pointed to my body "w-what hap-happened?" He stumbled. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and looked down. And there I stood, pretty much a giant grape. I ran into the bathroom which was kinda of painful, as I looked into the mirror, I saw a bruised up body with dry blood stains. What the fuck happened to me, what the fuck did I do last night? I had a lump in my throat, I traced my finger across the bruises along my chest and then noticed I had some between my thighs, i had hickeys on my neck. I didn't know what was going on with my life anymore, i sunk down the floor in pain and held my head in my hands and began to weep uncontrollably. What was happening with my life? Aaron soon walked into and saw me in a heap on the floor, he helped me stand up and brought me back into the living room, he sat me down on the sofa and gave me his duvet. Austin was in the kitchen making me a drink, he placed it next to me and instead of sitting next to me like I thought he would he sat on the other sofa. Aaron sat by me whilst his knee was shaking. "W-What happened?" Aaron asked cautiously, I shrugged my shoulders, it was painful to move anything though. Isn't it weird how it doesn't affect you if you haven't seen it? Like if you accidentally cut yourself and you don't realize until later and then it starts to hurt, because you now know its there? "Di-Did he do it?" Austin asked quietly. I shrugged my shoulders to him, I honestly have no idea what happened last night and I don't think I want to know. "How come you're here?" I asked Austin "We had band practise, and when you didn't show or answer your phone, I thought I should pop by" He replied slowly. He looked like he had regretting his decisions which really showed how much he cared. I don't know why I was expecting him to do all this and act like he cared because after all, he did have a boyfriend. Austin took a deep breath "Do-Does it hurt" he gestured down to my lower half "yknow" That was a bit personal, Aaron pretended he didn't hear that question as I sat with wide eyes. But, it kind of did. I nodded my head slowly and as soon as I did, Austin stood up, his breathing was heavier and his face was red. I knew exactly what he was thinking. Me and Aaron watched as he stormed over to my room, we heard shouting and banging and the next thing we know, Justin is being dragged out by his fucking ankle, HIS FUCKING ANKLE! He was kicking and screaming but something just took over Austin, he wasn't listening to anyone. Justin was half naked, as soon as Austin had him out of the apartment he looked back at us and closed the door, his face was vengeful. We thought it would be the best idea to not inturupt. I didn't want to know what was happening out there, I just heard shouting and groans. Me and Aaron just sat staring at each other with wide eyes. He was clueless but I had some sort of an idea. About five minutes after Austin came back in, he was breathing deeply and slowly, he was trying to get his breathing back to normal. His face was red, as he looked up to the ceiling he just said "You can skip today if you want" and with that, he walked outside the room again. He forgot his jacket for one and he didn't even say goodbye. ---- After that day, I hadn't seen Justin. He never came round, he never called or texted. I dont know what Austin did but he kind of saved me from an abusive relationship. A couple of days after it all happened I walked into the building where we had band practise. The guys were all sat around looking worried, Shay wasn't there. "What going on guys?" I asked as I slowly placed my guitar down. "Austin- Uh, Austin got taken in by the cops" Phil explained. what. He told me it was something to do with a beating. He got arrested because he beat the crap out of Justin. They then told me what they did to the guy, I didn't mention that it was because of me and that I knew Justin. "Apparently he just kept kicking and kicking at this dude, he cracked a couple of his ribs man" Tino explained. "The guy had a cracked tooth and a broken nose! Who thought Austin would ever do that?" he continued. "We don't know if it was actually him though Tino" Phil replied. I just shrugged my shoulders. He did it, I knew he did. "Ha-Has he been put away?" I questioned hastily. They both shrugged their shoulders. "Shay said he was going to call us later" A Shayley did call. He said he had been put in a cell but he had bail. The bail was ridiculously high though. We all promised each other that we would come up with the money, doing random gigs in bars, busking. We was going to make that money and get him out of there as soon as possible. We had no idea how long it took but we were determined. We still went to practise and rehearsed a couple of songs. ---- We got the money together a lot quicker than expected, people were so nice when they donated money to us. As soon as the bail was posted he was out. He was out and we couldn't be happier. Sure, we were worried about him but we couldn't be happier that we had him back. Shay had been all over him in practise which was just off putting for me, Tino and Phil. It was somewhat heartbreaking for me to. I had no idea how I felt about him. One minute I hated him, the next minute I didn't know him and then I was head over heels for him. What was I supposed to feel? I didn't know what he felt towards me, he'd give me two different looks. The dreamy look which confused the hell out of me because I didnt know what that was supposed to be and then there was the cold look. It wasn't necessarily nasty, it was just the 'im in a relationship' look and the 'i dont love you' look, that was the look i didn't like. But it did bring me back to reality when I was feeling lovey for him. ---- Every band practise we had, every time I saw his face I just fell deeper in love with him. When he smiled, when he screamed, when he sang, when he smirked, when he winked just unnnnngghhhr. I was fangirling over him and I didn't want to be. I just loved him and I wanted him. He was still with Shayley and they were still close though. It got to the point where i couldn't bare to see him but I wanted to see his beautiful face. I-I wanted to feel his touch again, feel his breath on my skin. Today at practise I really wasnt feeling good. I missed him more than ever this day and I dont know why. It just so happened to be the day where Shayley and Austin were at their loviest. Their 4 year anniversary. It killed me watching it, like Austin was holding the gun and he pulled the trigger without thinking. Okay, so we were playing around with a couple of songs and then Austin decided that we should play the song THAT I CAME UP WITH. He had modded it a little bit. The other guys learnt the song and wondered why I didn't need to learn it but Austin just said that i learnt it beforehand. Then we got to playing it. Shayley did so well singing it, it sounded amazing and with Austin screaming in the background, it sounded ace. As soon as they hit the words "and if we climb this high, i swear we'll never die" and I just lost it. I had been bottling it up all song, i got past the verse the first time, i just couldn't help but let it all out afterwards. I dropped the guitar straight away, pulling it over my head and heading out of the door, I headed for the bathroom. I just needed to do something and I hoped none of them bothered to follow. I heard them stop playing straight after I dropped my guitar. Tino called my name but I just ingored it. As soon as I barged through to the bathroom I turned the taps on straight away, filling the basin up. I looked up to myself in the mirror, seeing the hot tears roll down my cheek. I don't know why but I just wanted to go. I didn't mean anything to him anymore. I thought that song was ours, whether we're together or not. I looked down to the now fully filled basin and took a deep breath. I took no other thought and plunged my head straight into the water. It was cold but I didn't care. I didn't try to hold my breath, I resisted my natural senses and kept my head under the freezing cold water. What a fucking way to go right? Drowing yourself in a fucking sink. I'm worthless. I couldn't even end it properly.

Notes

Okay, i'm sorry that got a bit deep.