Repeating Apologies

All I remember is falling onto the floor with wet hair and a wet face, I was choking on water. Phil was knelt by my side holding my head up as I choked the lukewarm water up. I blinked rapidly as Phil was soothing me saying things like "Hey its okay" and "Calm down". I took deep breathes and got myself back together.
Why the fuck did I just try that?
That was all that was going through my head. "Austin!" Phil called out. He was still calming me down and I was thankful for that. Tino came running into the room and saw me on the floor with wet hair and a wet face with Phil holding me up. "What happened?!" He panicked. I lowered my head in embarrassment. It was kind of embarrassing. "Wheres Austin?" Phil asked suddenly "He's messing about with Shay" he huffed.
That really got to me. I was in here choking my guts up after another suicide attempt (a shitty one at that) and he didn't even care, he was too busy fucking about with Shay to be bothered about where I ran to or what I was doing. When he was open about OUR song after he didn't want me to be and then goes and acts like its HIS AND SHAYS.
After Phil and Tino consoled me we walked into the main room, they told me to go home and take the day off. I knew i'd have to explain to them what was up soon and I was planning on doing it tonight. "Can you guys come round mine tonight? I need to explain something" I asked half-heartedly. "Sure thing dude" Tino agreed.
Once we actually got into the main room Shay and Austin were giggling to each other, Austins eyes caught mine and I looked away straight away. It just felt wrong. I could just tell that he was still staring at me after I looked away, it was just one of those feelings you get, right?
"I'll uh- see you later then" I announced awkwardly. I took a quick glance at Austin who seemed confused and concerned at the same time. If he was so confused and concerned he should've said something. Fucker.
----
I was sat on the couch wallowing in my own self-pity, thinking about how I was going to explain whats going on to Phil and Tino. Aaron was out so I had the apartment to myself. Justin hadn't come round since what happened which was good and he wasnt about to bother me anytime soon. I was snuggled in my quilt, I had Corpse Bride on and I had some coffee. It was almost peace, then my phone buzzed so I picked it up to see that Austin had text me.
Please don't tell Phil and Tino xxx
What did he mean, don't tell them? Whats so wrong with them knowing, we are all in a band together, they kind of deserve to know why we have these mood swings around each other.
Why not?
He maybe putting three fucking x's but he can guess again if he thinks I am. He was obviously trying to push me out of his life so.
Just don't xxx
I couldn't give a shit what his reason was, I was telling them. A couple of minutes later the the doorbell rang. "Its open!" I called as they walked in. They made themselves comfortable on the couch meaning Tino literally jumped onto the sofa and Phil slumped into the armchair.
"So whats up?" Phil asked immediately. I looked down at my thumbs which were now apparently twiddling about "I-uh" I was thinking over and over what to say to them.
"Well, ages ago, me and Austin kind of 'kind of' dated"
Tino looked up at me in confusion "kind of?" They didn't seem to mind that I was gay, but why would they? Austin and Shay are so..
"Well, we were seeing each other for about a month" I went on and explained about the whole 'situation' and they seemed very understanding.
"He's being a bit of a dick" Phil admitted. I just half smiled. I didn't like hearing people talk shit about Austin but I did it so much myself. I really didn't know how I felt about him, I just knew that I still loved him, no matter what.
"Y'know though Alan, the way you did, isn't the way to go about it" Phil continued. I just laughed to myself. "That was a really shitty attempt" Phil and Tino awkwardly laughed along with me, not sure whether they could laugh too or not. I didn't mind, I trusted them and I guess if I was laughing so could they.
"He actually told me not to tell you guys, so I think he's probably embarassed about it" I confessed. They seemed confused at first "Tough shit ain't it" Tino laughed to himself, I threw him a smile and looked down at my phone.
I told them
Okay I was kind of provoking him. My phone began to ring and it was Austin, I looked at the guys and said "One sec" I jumped up and walked into my room, closing the door behind me and answering the phone.
"What?" I began
"Why did you tell them?"
"Why did you not want me to tell them?"
"Because Alan, its not their business"
"Are-Are you embarassed or something?"
"Of what?"
"Of me Austin. I told them because they have a right to know, now answer my fucking question"
"Why would I be embarassed of you? I'm not"
"I dont know you tell me, you're the one thats been acting weird, and incase you forgot that song is our song you prick" I hated insulting him but yet I had been doing it for a while now
"Alan, I know it is and I just- I don't want to explain over the phone, can you meet me?"
I grumbled to myself for a while but then agreed to go. "Fine, where?"
"Nicos?"
"Sure"
Nicos was a pub that was close by, it was a nice place, very busy sometimes though.
-----
After explaining to the other two that I was going to go meet Austin they said they'd wait up for me which was okay, I kind of liked the idea of having them there waiting for me to get back, Aaron wouldn't be back tonight, he text me earlier saying that his band were going out of town which was fine by me.
It was dark out, there were alot of groups walking about and it made me feel nervous. Once I reached the bar I looked around for Austin who was sat in a corner booth, he locked his eyes onto mine as I walked over to him and sat awkwardly on the side of the chair. I didn't want to get too close to him and I wanted to make sure I could get out if I needed to.
"You don't have to sit so far away" He mumbled nervously, his leg was shaking which made me skittish. I swallowed the lump in my throat as he continued.
"I-I'm in a relationship Alan" He blurted
"..Congrats?" I replied sarcastically, why just blurt that out, like I wasn't aware?
"I gotta stay faithful yknow and recently I've been with you more than him, and it worries him"
I stayed quiet
"I'm sorry Alan"
I rolled my eyes "Whatever Austin"
He sighed "Look, I know I should've gone after you earlier but, yknow.."
"Shay" I inturrupted, he nodded his head slightly with a very guilty look on his face.
"I-I still love you Alan" I couldnt help but tear up, I tried to look away so he couldnt see
"Don't-"
"No. I love you kitten but, things just aren't how they used to be" I sniffled and swallowed my breath.
"Austin don't"
"I still think about that night y'know.." He added. He literally just said to me he needed to be more dedicated to Shay but yet he's bringing all this up. I looked to him and he smiled "That was one of the best months of my life" I didn't know if he was just saying all this to make me feel better or to make me feel worse. He looked at my lips and back at my eyes, hot damn, he knew that I loved it when he took glances at my lips. It was like he was asking for permission to kiss me or kind of just telling me how much he wanted to lock his lips with mine.
He smiled at me and reached over to me slowly, I was confused, everything he said, he was just going back on. I wanted to kiss him back but it was just going to confuse me more if I did so I placed a hand on his shoulder gently. "Austin" He opened his eyes and noticed what he was doing and pulled back instantly. "Oh shit.. I-I'm sorry" He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
"I-I should go" I admitted. He nodded his head. "I'll walk with you, it's really dark out and this is the time where gangs are out" I shook my head at him "I'll be fine"
He furrowed his eyebrows at me "It'll make me feel better, so I know you're safe" he pushed. I shrugged my shoulders at him. Fine, whatever.
We got outside and it was shitting it down, like raining so bad. I hadn't prepared for rain so I was just in a sleeveless shirt like always. I started to shiver as we walked down the road and Austin kept glancing at me. He swung his jacket off himself and held it out for me to put my arms in. I looked up at him in confusion. "Please" he let out softly, I abided and put my arms in quickly because it was hella cold. As soon as the jacket was on I started to warm up immediately, I snuggled myself into the jacket without realizing, after taking a deep breath i notied it smelt like him and I couldn't get enough of it, god I looked like a freak, I noticed Austin stare down at me with a slight chuckle. Once I noticed what a freak I looked like I stopped.
He was just in a vest shirt like I was, he was starting to shiver. "D-D'you want it back?" I asked quietly but he just shook his head. "I'd rather you stay warm"
That was cute but he was still going back on what he said. This guy was making me fall for him again, as if I didn't love him already he was making it worse for me. AND HE WAS WITH SHAY.
I had to keep reminding myself over and over but it still wasn't taking away the way I was gazing into his chocolaty brown eyes. He smirked at me, obviously it was the same with him.

A big gust of wind came by us and I started shivering again, clearly it got to Austin too because I could see the goosebumps on his skin. He swung his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me into him to try keep us both warm and I couldn't help but rest my head on his shoulder. He may of been cold but he was warm.. If that makes sense. He started to giggle to himself "What?" I asked softly, he looked down at me and gave the reply of "I kinda like the cold, brings people together" he squeezed me closer to him as he said that, I didn't think we could get closer.
He kissed the top of my head and as he did I looked up to him with starry eyes. All thoughts that I once had were gone at this moment. He legit had me starstruck. He stared back at me and his eye contact made my knees go weak, why was he doing this to me. He stopped suddenly and so did I, wondering what he was doing, he glanced behind me and then straight back to me with a gorgeous smile. He took hold of my hand and walked me into this alleyway, it was dark and no one could see in it without a torch. He gave me another smirk before we entered the darkness. I knew what this was leading to and I didn't do anything to stop it. I kind of wanted this to happen, I should've stopped it but that wasn't in my mind.
He locked his lips with mine, I had been waiting for him to do that for years now. His hands cupped my face as I sank into his kiss, It was wrong and cheeky, which made it all the more sweet. He bent down and wrapped his hands around my thighs lifting me up onto what I think was a bin lid in one smooth motion. It was soft but rough at the same time. I could feel him smile cheekily as we were kissing and i'm sure he could feel the same. His hands fumbled around my jeans as he started to unbutton them. I honestly couldn't care about how wet everything was, THE FLOOR AND THE BINS FROM THE RAIN NOT MY-- yknow. Although it would be soon...
Enough of that. The rain was dying down and because we were in an alleyway it wasn't as windy, the long walls sheltered us from it. He was getting rougher but the good kind. He was still being gentle with me as he knew what i've been through but it was still wild. I liked it, I've never seen him like this. It really showed the cheeky/devilish side of him. I placed kisses on his neck and remembered his favourite place. I heard him moan as I tugged the skin on his neck which made me smirk and do it more. I sucked on the skin until it left a mark whilst he was undoing his own trousers.
like I said before, I won't go into detail with this, but you can guess what happened and i'll leave it to your imagination ya' beasts. Mine and his breathe were racing together, our hearts beating fast and cheeky smirks on our face. We were proud of what we did, we hadn't got to the point of where we think about consequences. As we were doing our trousers back up we didn't lose eye contact. "I could do that again" he growled seductively. And the bad thing was? So could I.

Notes