Repeating Apologies

Austin POV
* A week later
I decided to stay at a hotel instead of Toby's. I had been at his for three days and felt like I was just intruding. He insisted I stay longer but I just felt rude. Alan had rang me everyday since but I didn't answer. I was still trying to find a way to forgive him. What he said actually hurt.
He called me a monster, exactly what people called me before, it brought back so many memories. Maybe to the point, where I shouldn't be mad at Alan, maybe it was safer if we weren't together. I remember feeling like I wanted to hit him. I have never felt like that. I took my anger out on that guy. He probably didn't even know we were together.
I knew that the anger I was feeling when I beat that guy up was actually for Alan and I felt so bad. I shouldn't feel like that, I felt dangerous. I tucked my knees up to my chin, and ran my hands through my hair.
I felt like a monster, I beat an innocent guy up, smashed up my home, made my boyfriend feel like shit and now i'm sat on a hotel bed. All because I rejected him. I should've opened my arms wide and hugged him when he came to me that morning, I should've never let go of him. I regretted everything I did, and I wasn't even drinking.
Was I insane?
I felt insane.
All this time I felt hatred for Alan, when really, the hatred is for myself. He did some shit that he shouldn't of done which I still don't know whether to forgive him for that. I strongly believe in the saying that "a drunk mans words, is a sober mans thoughts". Maybe he wanted to cheat? Was I not giving him enough?
It all came back to me in the end, I'd always end up to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough and I was the problem.
I wanted Alan to knock on that door, so badly, just so I would have him in my arms, snuggled up to me. I would never let go but I knew that wasn't going to happen. If I wanted to see him, i'd have to be the first one to make a move.
Half of me wanted to leave forever, like going to another city but the rest of me just wanted to go to him.
It was now or never. I chose the latter and took my bags with me, dumped them in my car and went to the apartment. It had felt so long since I had seen him, my eyes started to water and I couldn't stop them.
I swung open the door and looked around, his door was closed so I presumed he was in there. I knocked on his door
"Not now Aaron" he sobbed.
I knocked again, I would've said something, but I didn't know what I would say.
"No"
I knocked again
The door clicked moments later and he was stood at the door, his hair was a mess, his eyes were just as red as mine and he sniffled to himself "Wha-" he was mid sentence before he looked up. I tried to push a smile to him, but i couldn't. Before either one of us could say a word we clung together simultaneously.
His head was pressed close to my neck and mine resting on his. He clung to the back of my shirt and I wrapped my arms around him tightly. He began to sob into my chest whereas I tried to keep all of that away. "I didn't thin- think you were coming back" he cried.
I felt so much better and so much worse at the same time.
"I'm so sorry Kitten" I apologized. I squeezed him tighter placing a kiss on the top of his head. I really didn't want to let go.
He took a step back too early, I still just wanted him pressed close to me but I knelt to the floor a little to get to his eye height. "N-No, I should be the one saying sorry" he muttered as he wiped his eyes. I gently caressed his cheek, wiping off the tears that fell, i could feel my own eyes welling up more too.
"I should've listen to you. I'm so stupid"
I didn't know how to reply so I just scooped him up, closed the door and took him to his bed where we just cuddled. For the rest of the day. We spent it together, both hoping that things would be okay in the morning, like all of this was a bad dream. Though, his words would always be in the back of my mind.

Notes