My Understandings

Austin was leaving today.
Today was the day he'd rip my heart out and throw it to the ground. I'd be left here. On my own, back to my old routine. I didn't want to but the day he left is the day it started again.
----The day before----
He told me he had planned something for us today, what it was? I had no idea. He knew I didn't like surprises yet he always had them up his sleeve for me. Everytime i'd give him that grumpy look of mine when he told me about the surprise he had for me he'd say it was one of the cutest things ever.
He picked me up from my house again, I told my parents that there was a christian club I was going to.. again. Wow, they're so easy to fool.
He did the thing that he always does, open and close the door for me and when he got into his side of the car, smile at me ever so sweetly and kiss my hand. We'd normally always hold hands in the car unless Chris was there. I still hadn't told him, nobody but Jaxin knew and i liked it that way. Every date we'd go on would be out of our town and away from people who knew us.
He drove to the place where we had our first date, to the cliff.
It was our place. It was perfect.
He had set out a blanket on the side of the cliff, like where we sat before and i played that song to him. He had waited until it was getting dark to bring me here. There were little lights shining next to the blanket. Once we had got out of the car and I saw everything he had done I was speechless. I covered my mouth my hands, I honestly didn't know what to say. I glanced at him, he was staring over the edge of the cliff in thought. I saw him swallow his breath and let out a nervous sigh.
What was he sighing about? This was perfect.
He took hold of my hand and led me to the blanket and we sat down, tangled in each other. He sat with his legs crossed and I sat in between his legs. "You're making saying goodbye harder" I let out. He sighed again but instead of looking at me in the eyes like i was to him, he stared over the edge of the cliff. "I know. Let's not think about that, let's just enjoy tonight" at the end of his sentence his eyes joined mine and he smiled softly. I nodded my head stifly and swallowed my breath. There was no escaping it though. He was leaving and that was it. Whether I would get to see him again or not is a question i'd rather not know the answer to, just incase it was something i didn't want to hear.
Most of the night we were cuddling underneath the stars and it was perfect. We didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. We knew what each other were thinking even though the silence surrounded us. The only thing I could ask for now was for him to not leave.
He pulled his phone out and opened tumblr up. He was fully aware that I could see what he was typing and that I was watching him type it.
"Last night with him, its going to be perfect. We've been watching the stars all night, he's been sat in my lap, i'm going to miss the way he smells, the way he smiles, his laugh. Those dark brown eyes, his shortness, his small frame, the ink on his skin, his paleness, his hair. My little ginger prince, this month with you has been more than I could ever ask.
He's sat here, watching me type this and I know that any minute now he's going to start crying and tell me not to leave which will tear my heart in two. I don't want to leave, but i've over-stayed my welcome here and i'm starting to get abuse in the streets.
I may be gone but baby I swear everything will be okay ♥ I couldn't ask for a better you ♥"
He clicked post and I turned to look at him when he placed his phone down. He was right, I was about to start crying. The tears just came and they wouldn't stop. I put my head in the crook of his neck and wimpered "don't go" into him. I didn't know what his expression was, I couldn't see it, I was too busy sobbing to pay attention to anything. I kissed the right side of his neck, above the rose tattoo he had gotten in honor of his mom. I knew that was his favourite place to be kissed, it always made him smile, but it didn't this time.
I can usually feel him smile when I kiss him there but I didnt feel it. I pulled my head away to look at him in the eyes and a single tear had fallen down his cheek. His eyes were watery and red, he was trying so hard to keep himself from crying. He was looking directly over the cliff, at the mountains in the distance. He didn't even glance down to me. "Austin.." I whispered.

He still didn't look at me but he replied. "Yeah kitten?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat, I can't believe I was actually saying this but I thought I was ready.
"H-How about tonight?" He knew exactly what I meant. He looked down at me, his eyes now not as flooded as before. He took a deep breath "Don't force yourself baby, not if you're not ready" It was nice how he always reassured me that he didn't mind not doing it and he didn't want to pressure me into anything. "I-I want to" I looked him in the eyes and he raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" I nodded my head stifly. "This is my last night with you. You said so yourself, it was going to be special, whats more special than that?" He gave me a soft smile and kissed me. I smiled into the kiss and rest my hands on the back of his neck whilst he had his arms wrapped around my torso.

"You're all I could ever ask for" He pulled away from the kiss and smirked. We stood up and he held his hand out for me to take, so I did. He gently led me to the car and opened the door for me.
He parked the car outside of a hotel room, it wasn't one of the shabby places. It was tasteful. I don't know how he'd have the money for this but I felt special, one in a million just being escorted in by him. We walked through the double doors of this hotel. The lobby was spotless, there was a small fountain in the middle of the room and sofa next to it. "Take a seat kitten" Austin suggested so I did.
He walked to the reception counter to check in and when the guy was getting the key for him he turned around and smiled at me. Once the key was in his hand he winked at me, I stood up quickly and followed him to the stairs.
We got to the bottom of the stairs and he stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked up to him "What?"
He just gave me a cheeky smile and scooped me up in his arms wedding style. He really knew how to make your head spin and your stomach do sumasaults. I rested my head on his chest and he smiled at me.
He didn't put be down when we got to the door of our room, I thought he would do but he managed to unlock the room, open the door and close it with me still clung onto him. He gently placed me down once we were secure in the room, I was still locked on his eyes and then he gestured for me to turn around, and I did.
Oh my god. Oh my gOD. OH MY GOD.
The room was covered in rose petals, as cheesy and cliche that is, it was so sweet and romantic. Everything in this room was perfect and romantic. I realize why he wanted me to not come wiht him to the desk. He got one of the stupidly expensive rooms, one that was designed for couples or honeymooners.
My eyes floated around the room and they instantly locked back onto his. His beautifully brown eyes that were full of magic and mystery.
I took a step closer to him and went up onto my toes pressing my lips to his, locking them there, I didn't want to stop kissing him. I was ready now and I knew it. He was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to. Our last day together or not. It was him and only him. I couldn't imagine anyone else being as perfect and I finally I couldn't imagine my life without him, which made the next day almost impossible.
He walked forwards which made me walk backwards because our lips were still locked together, he slipped my jacket off and then his own. The bottom half of my legs came into contact with the bed frame and I feel onto my back on the bed which broke our kiss. Austin took that opportunity to kick his shoes off, so i thought i'd do the same.
He quickly re-ignited our kiss by climbing on top of me on the bed, I ran my hands up his sides to slip his shirt off over his head and he let me, getting the shirt over his head broke the kiss so I traced my finger over his tattoos as he threw the shirt on the floor, my favourite one of his tattoos was on the top of his chest. It was the words "This World Is Not My Home" above some flowers. He proceeded to kiss my neck and then pull my shirt over my head, just like had done to him. I wasn't afraid of showing him my chest anymore. It was only below I was nervous at. What if I wasnt, i dont know, big? Or big enough for his liking?
His large hands ran down my sides and he planted little kisses along my ribs. It was my favourite spot and he knew it was my weak point, I let out a little groan when he kissed them, he looked up at me with a smile and carried on, bringing the kisses back up to my neck and then joining his lips back to mine. My pants were getting tighter with each kiss he gave me, he knew what he was doing so i let him. I could feel that his jeans were getting tight on him too as it brushed passed my leg a couple of times.
As he left kisses on my neck he asked me the same reassuring question "are you sure?.." I nodded my head and he continued with leaving kisses on my neck. "Tell me to stop at anytime, I don't mind, just prepare yourself" I nodded my head stifly. This was what I wasn't looking forward but I was going to do it. For him and for me.
Okay okay, I bet you'd love to know what happened next but i'm not going into detail. You'll just have to let your dirty imaginations wild. Lets just say. It was awkward for me and it hurt because damn that guy has a big.. well you know. Okay I get weird when it comes to saying things like that, I was raised to not be vulgar, which is why i don't swear if you have noticed. Either way, I was fine with it being awkward and weird for me because, thats what everyone's first time is like right? The prepping bit was nice though after I got used to it, he knew what he was doing letsjustsay.
I laid in his arms, our sweaty bodies close together as our breathing came back to normal. I looked up to him "Thank you.. Austin" I whispered with a smile. "My pleasure tiger" He replied giggling to himself. We didn't say anything more, we didn't need to. My eyelids were getting heavy, I was tired but before I did fall asleep though, i needed to at least put some boxer shorts on because I have always hated sleeping naked. I just don't think its comfortable. As I got off the bed to reach for mine Austin laughed at me, I turned round looking at him whilst sliding them on. "What?"
"Don't like sleeping naked?" He grinned and I shook my head then climbed back into his arms. I rested my head in his arm which was playing with my hair and we soon fell asleep.

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