Please, don't take this out on me,
You're the only thing
That's keeping me alive.

See those lyrics? You don't even have to say a name and just one person pops into mind. A best friend, A hero, A teacher, A family member.

A family member.

What are you supposed to do when they can't keep going? When they give up? Are you supposed to find a new person? A new someone to keep you alive?


I don't know.
For fucking once, i don't have a clue.

---

30 Minutes Earlier...

"Hey Ember, come here.'' My mom said, walking into the door. She sounded hurt and sad and the last time she felt that way when i was four, when HE happened.

''Yeah mum?" i ask, hugging her and giving her a kiss on the cheek. ''I brought home your favorite.'' She said and handed me Chicken on the bone, a fierce grape Gatorade and caramel chocolate.

Oh how i wish i could keep this down.

''Mum, what happened?" I ask because she doesn't just do things like this for no reason. Only when i got a broken bone or was sick or something.

''Let us sit and talk yeah?" She asked and i smile widely at her accent. She was from Doublin Ireland and look a lot like Amy Pond from doctor who. Witch is kind of funny because her name is Amelia.

''Well, i don't know if you wanna eat before i tell you. You might get sick.'' She said and my smile faltered. "Mum, tell me what is going on.'' i edge and she sits down, clearly out of breath. She hasn't been eating lately and her somethings are very off.

She can't keep anything down, She throws up all the time, I just has noticed something was off, but she said she visited the doctor today so maybe this is what it is about.
''Mom.'' i said sternly and she weakly smiles at me.

"So, i went into the doctor and told them about everything that has been happening. They did a few tests and found out a couple of things.
One being, thrombocytopenia (too few blood platelets), two, a enlarged liver and my Lymph nodes. All being side effects is stage four Leukemia.'' She said and avoided eye contact with me.

I swear, i felt my heart stop for a couple of beats. My stomach dropped to hell and my eyes clouded with tears. No, not my mum, she is the only one i have left.

"I only have two weeks to live. It is to late.'' she said and i felt anger boil in me.

''Please tell me this is some sick joke mom.'' i said and she started crying herself.
''I need some time alone.'' i said and i ran upstairs and slammed the door.

I grabbed my hair and tugged at it, ''Take away all of this pain!!" I screamed and threw everything i could get my hands on. Pillows, lamps, pictures.

I grabbed a picture of my mother and I and felt relaxation come over me.

I set it on the bed and grab my little altoid can and open it. I pour out all of my blades and pour them out on me bed.

I strip down into nothing and look at my disgusting body in the mirror. I pinch my stomach, arms, thighs, calves.

''Nothing but pure fat.'' i said and i think about all of the times i have burned, cut, bruised. Anything you can think of, i probably did it.


I grab my biggest blade, and bring it to my stomach.

I slice it deep, but not too deep for stitches. Over and over i bring it down, making this pain just turn to numbness.

I wanna be stronger than oceans.
I wanna lift mountains high.
Bring back glory to your name,
I wannna move faster than time.'' i sing to myself and i know i will be. I will heal, but ill be covered in scars.

I bring the blade to my biceps, repeating the same 4 lines over and over, cut after cut. I bring it to my thighs and do the same thing.

''Ember rose, they need me to stay at the hospital. The doctors said it isn't stable for me to be here. I hope i meet you there.'' she said and i hear her footsteps walk down the stairs and out the door.

I sigh and give up.

All of these cuts, were for words said and unsaid. For the time my uncle raped me and for the time my father walked out.
For all of the means kids at school who would fuck with me, for all of the nice ones who faked it.

''I can't hate the ones who made me.'' i said and i wrap everything up and dress in a grey band hoodie and some black jeans.

I grab my phone and headphones and walk outside the door.

I plug in my head phones to full blast and i imminently cry before even hearing the first chord.

I hear the song lets cheers to this by Sleeping with sirens and i feel tears running down my face. I start running and i don't know where. I just run as fast as i can and i don't care if i look like a wreck. I am going anywhere, everywhere.



I keep running, i have my feet on solid ground you cant bring me down. Well, lower than i am already am.

I feel something mold to my feet and i really open my eyes to see where i am. I am at the beach and i didn't even notice i ran 3 miles here. I just kept running and now i realize that was a bad idea because my feet hurt and i am pretty sure my bandages are soaked through with blood.

I look around and i see sand dunes about 20 feet away.

'perfect. i think and i take off my vans and run as fast as i can. I hear OMAM blast through my headphones and second and sebring plays. I feel the tears well up again, but making me run faster.

I close my eyes for a split second and i feel a body collide with mine.

I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for the impact of the ground. I feel my body hit the ground and i cry out in pain. I slide a couple of feet and curl into a fetus position, trying to make my body in less pain then it already is.

''Holy shit, good going Victor.'' A voice says and i squeeze my eyes shut once again and cry hard. I hear shuffling and a couple of curse words.

I feel a body slide next to mine, Literally.

''Hey are you okay?" One asks, a different voice then before and i nod. ''Yes just leave me alone.'' i said and i open my eyes slowly, not wanting to get up. But i do anyway.

''Hey, take it easy. You seem totally okay by the looks of you.'' He said and i finally stand on my own two feet, and glare at the person infront of me.

I see shoulder length hair that is covered with a snapback.

I look at his face and realize it is Vic fucking Fuentes.

''Holy shit you are bleeding.'' Someone behind him says and i look at him, Tony Perry, looking at my torso.

I look down and see blood splotches all over my stomach and my arms. ''Yeah and it is none of your fucking business.'' i snap and i run towards my final destination.

''hey wait!!" I hear Vic call back, but i keep running. I know where there is a little tunnel that my Mom and i dug once, going under neath a sand dune.

I should lose them there.

I run as fast as i can and i look behind me and see that they are a about 10 ft away.

I pick up my pace and and dive into the dunes. They go up then down, side to side.

It is very easy to get lost in.

I dart left and right until i go back up, and 5 lanes over. I see our dune and i dart right towards it. I enter the small whole on the other side of it and quickly climb in.

I hear footsteps and then some voices.

''Dude, she was bleeding a lot.'' Tony said and i cringe, looking down at the pool of blood forming on my stomach.

''Yeah that is why we have to find her.'' Vic said and i let out a little sob. not from the pain, but from the caring things he is doing for me.

''How do we even know where she went?" tony asks and i hear Vic sigh.

''Because look at the footprints.'' He said and jumped off the top of the dune he was underneath and turned around.

''Hey there.'' He said when his eyes landed on me and i bring my knees to my chest and try to go deeper into the whole i am but i can't. I see tony jump down too and they both look at me.

"We know you know who we are, we just wanna help you okay?" Vic said and moved towards me.
''But i don't need your help.'' i said and i mentally slap myself because my voice cracked at the end and wavered up and down.
''Come on, look at your hoodie.'' he said and pointed.

I look down once again and i see that the blood is at least 2 as bigger as it was when i last checked.
''Let us help you.'' Tony said and walked towards me, and holding out a hand.

I don't grab it but agree with help.

''Here, put this on. People are gonna think you got stabbed.'' Vic said and offered his shirt to me. I grab it, but they both stand there looking at me.

''Can you not stare?" I ask and they both turn around. I quickly grab my PTV crew neck and throw it over my head.

'oh and ---'' vic starts to say and turns around, looking at my exposed upper body. I quickly grab his shirt and pull it over and tear up. ''Just take me to the hospital.'' I said and Vic looks right at me like i am fucking crazy.

''You are like 15, they will put you in the mental ward. You know that right?" he asks and i roll my eyes. ''I am 19 dumbass. And this is fucking nothing. I need to go there because my mother.'' i said and he looks taken back.

''Well at least let me look at it at our house. You can even have some of Tony's whiskey.'' He said and held out his hand. I roll my hoodie up so you can't see the blood and i take his hand.

''Thank you.'' i said and i wipe my tears that fell out of my eyes. He rubs comforting circles with his thumb on my hand and we walk out of the dunes and onto the street. I clutch my shoes in one hand and twidle my head phones that ended up staying on me that whole marathon.

''Just down the street okay?" Vic says and i nod.

We walk down one more block and take a right, leading us to a big neighborhood and big houses.

He leads us to the big blue one, three down and onto the steps.Vic opens the door and tells me to wait here while he grabs the whiskey and first aid kit.
"Tone? take her upstairs to my bedroom.'' he called from the kitchen and tony takes my hand and leads me up, Vic close on our heels.

Vic shoes tony out and shuts the door. "Take the top off.'' He said and i painfully pulled it over my head, revealing all of my bloody bandages and scars.

I twist the top off of the daniels and chug enough to make me feel tipsy so i don't feel much.

He frowns and takes the wrappings off, cleaning it and putting new ones on. He also puts what i call spider tape on them, witch is just small clear tape to hold cuts together.

''does this have to do with your mother?" He asks and points at my pants. I nod and look down, seeing that my black jeans look wet on the top. I thank myself for wearing black cute underwear today and take them off.

He does the same thing as the other cuts and goes into his dresser. He pulls out plaid button up and hands it to me.

''Are you alright staying here for a while? You look exhausted. '' Vic commented and i nod, letting my black hair cover my green eyes.
''No, don;t do that. you are beautiful.'' He said and i lean back on the bed and curl into the blankets.

'Will you sleep with me?" I ask because, i feel like dreams will attack me and he nods. He undresses quickly and climbs in.

I curl up in a fetal position and he pulls me to his chest.

---

Two weeks later.

I am with Vic and my mom, and we are all crying. "Take care of her Vic, she needs you know more than ever.'' My mom said, caressing his cheek. She looks over at me and flashes me a smile.
''Hey darling, you will always know... to keep me on your heart... forever...'' she said and i let the tears fall out of my eyes and i grab her hand.

''Make sure you play lots with Powell up there okay? Give him a hug and a kiss from me.'' i said and she nods.
''I willdarling. I love you both so much. stay strong.'' she said and she closes her eyes and her heart flatlines.

''Goodbye momma.'' i said and i kiss her forehead.

Notes

tears, so much tears