The Throw-Aways

I curled up on my side, not willing to face them. I heard their footsteps coming through the band bus, but I wasn’t willing to face them. Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow I will explain myself.

The familiar creak of Tino and Phil getting into their bunks echoed and I sighed a little. I checked my phone. There were two new messages from Kylar. I’ll answer them later, although she would be steamed that I didn’t respond earlier.

Nubby the nub itched a little, but I froze as I heard footsteps stop by my bunk.

“Raven, I know you’re in there.” Aus’s soft voice swooned. I ducked my head, biting my lip nervously. I was really tempted to reply with a smart aleck remark, like “the number you are searching for has been disconnected”, but I was too tired and afraid of their reaction to do that.

All I could see in the abyss behind closed eyes lids was the condoning faces of Austin, Alan, Tino, Phil, and Aaron. They would see me as some freak. Were they one of the ignorant? Were they those that gawk at people’s disabilities? I saw the look on Aaron’s eyes. It was like an alien stood in the old Raven’s place.

“Raven, will you please come out?” Austin asked me sweetly. I regretted not grabbing my sweatshirt sooner and throwing it on because now I felt bare and naked without the sleeve to hide my loss.

I heard a soft shuffle. Austin was probably sitting down. I could see part of his hair through a crack in the curtain.

“Sweetheart, why didn’t you tell us about it sooner?” He cooed to me softly. I couldn’t melted under that voice if I wasn’t so afraid of it. The words were jumbled in my head and I didn’t want to break down in front of him.

“I’m not weak.” I muttered into my elbow. He must’ve heard, though, because he sighed.

“Of course not. You’re strong.” He murmured. I covered my face with one hand.

“I can’t do this, Austin.” I choked up. The bus was completely silent. It was uncomfortable and crowded.

“I can’t do this anymore. Dad was the only family left. Now he’s gone. Who’s going to take care of Jake? Who’s going to take care of the restaurant? Arestino can’t do it forever!” I broke down, but I was basically just choking on dry sobs. There weren’t tears anymore, just fearful broken breaths.

“I tried playing piano. I can’t do it. I can’t do it with my right hand only. They said they’d get me a prosthetic arm, but it’s not going to be until late November. How can I play Infernal if I can’t play at all?” I curled up into a little ball. Who cared who heard me now? I just needed to get this all off my chest. I had been carrying the world for the longest time.

“How can I walk around outside? You know what people do when they see freaks like me? They gawk and stare. They whisper and call you ugly. I’m just another Throw-Away. Jay was always right.” I murmured unhappily. The flood of high school memories came rushing back. If I was a Throw-Away when I was whole and still with my arm, what was I now?

Worthless. That’s what I was.

Austin didn’t say a word. He had probably already left. I wouldn’t blame him. If I was in his position, I wouldn’t want to listen to my pathetic story anyways.

Suddenly, two hands cradled under me, I squirmed away from them, but strong hands dragged me out.

“No! I’m ugly!” I tried to wiggle away, but muscular arms had already trapped me.

“No, you’re beautiful.” He cooed to me. I was shaking badly in his arms. His footsteps echoed through the small hallway as we got to the front lounge. He sat down on the plush cushions, pulling me into his lap. I continued to rattle like dead leaves, but he wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back softly. I leaned into his chest, trying to close my eyes and relax. I could feel everyone’s eyes staring at Nubby the nub. I felt so self-conscious and shy now.

“Austin, how can I play in the band if I can’t play piano?” I asked him. He sighed and kissed the top of my forehead.

Woah.

Hold. The. Phone.

Did he just kiss my forehead? I mean, it’s like a friendly gesture, but seriously! It made my sore heart flutter higher.

“Well, let’s have a vote!”

“Austin, I don’t think that-“ I started to protest but he silenced me.

“Okay, who thinks Raven should be in the band still, even with one arm?” Austin called. Everyone’s heads poked out.

“If you say no, I’m kicking your ass out of the bus.” Alan threatened. Thankfully, no one declined. I tucked my head into Austin’s chest once again. He laughed quietly.

“So I guess Nubby is your little arm nub?” Austin asked, grinning. I ducked into his neck, groaning.

“I was bored but not motivated to do anything! This is like the outcome of sleep drunkess! How’d you hear about it?” I blushed with embaressment. He grinned and gained and purred with happiness.

“You mutter in your sleep sometimes. A couple nights ago you said Nubby two or three times.” He explained. I blushed deeper as my cheeks burned like an inferno. Austin stroked a stray piece of hair out of my face.

“You’re adorable when you’re blushing.” He murmured happily. I pulled away to look into his eyes that were still bright in the darkness.

“Thanks.” I murmured. Although this pleased me and made my heart beat like a war drum, I couldn’t understand his kind words. How could he see me like this yet still say these things? It baffled my brain far more than I could understand.

“I personally like your nub!” Tino added from his bunk, head peeking out. I smirked a little. Tino always came in with those sly, funny comments.

“I would’ve called it Bub the nub, but I mean, hey, Nubby the nub is cool as well…” Phil added with a smile. Austin held me tighter in his arms as if I would escape.

“You can do this and we’ll help you through anything.” Austin whispered to me. I closed my eyes and let myself be overwhelmed by the night. I was beyond tired and Austin rubbing my back was making me even sleepier. I might be one armed for now, but the boys had promised to help me until I could get that trial prosthetic.

Could I really make it until then?

Notes

Okay guys. So I was planning on writing a bunch of chapters today, but that's not going to happen. I injured my left index finger but it feels like my entire hand is on fire. Nothing seems to be helping and I nearly passed out twice already. I'm in lots of agony and I'm currently typing this with only my right hand. I'm also really sad that I can't write because that always makes me feel better but of course, it hurts too much.

(BTW: I typed this chapter last night and I'm just able to post it now)

Basically, I'm really, really sorry I can't update a lot today. It's just been a miserable day so far and I hate to let you down :( I might try tomorrow, but we'll just have to see.