No, no, no…This couldn’t happen. I thought over and over. I was sobbing, shaking like a dog. Jack had asked me this over a month ago. It was like a flashing glimpse of what would happen now.

I was without my left arm. I had only one arm now.

No, I couldn’t have this happen to me. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. My dad was probably dead and my music career might just be down the drain.

Without my arm, I can’t play.

If I can’t play, I can’t be in the band.

I lose everything I worked for. I lose my dreams, I lose my confidence, I lose Austin and the boys.

I can’t play the piano ever again.

I thought about this over and over. My musical career might just be over. I might never play piano again. Who would want to listen to a one-armed pianist? No one. Especially no fan.

SHUT UP, RAVEN! THINK POSITIVE. IT’S WHAT MOM WOULD WANT! I screamed at myself. Biting my lip, I tasted the familiar drops of metallic blood. Could I learn to play piano with one arm? Didn’t they make prosthetic arms for those who lost a limb? Could that actually help me play piano?

“Is everything okay?” A man with blue scrubs came in. A stethoscope hung hopelessly around his neck. Everything seemed to be dreary. I didn’t want to be here.

I didn’t want to live right now.

“Yes.” I lied. It probably was the biggest lie of my life. The man, about forty years old, pulled up a small stool and sat at the right side of my bed. A window looked out over the mountains.

“Well, I’m Doctor Parker Lyons. I’m here to say that you are our miracle girl of the day.” He patted my right hand softly, sadness in his eyes. A small cartoon lion was on the left pocket of his scrubs. It would’ve been cute if I wasn’t so down in the dumps.

How can I be the miracle child when I’ve lost everything?

“So when you came to us, you had lost most of your blood and it looked like you weren’t going to make it through the surgery. We had to do many blood transplants and your chest was ripped up pretty good. It’s sewn together with about forty stitches and your left arm has ten.” Doctor Lyons checked his clipboard while peeking at the numbers. A buzz sounded and the Doctor pressed a few buttons on the IV drip.

“Why couldn’t you save my arm?” I asked, my brain dragged down and rolled over by a truck. I had so many questions to ask him. I just hoped he could give me the straight answers.

“The damage was too severe to both your arm and your shoulder. That’s why you have it amputated just past the shoulder. It’s about four inches up from where your elbow.” His green eyes locked on with mine sadly. I wiped away a tear on my right shoulder.

“What happened to my dad?”

“I’m sorry….” He trailed off. I truned my head into my chest and sobbed. I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

It was true. Dad was gone and dead. The Three Meatballs would have to be shut down. No more hanging at the diner. No more late night jokes. No more daddy-daughter dates. Jake.

WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO MY DOG?!

I had no family left. Aunts, Uncles, they were all moved away and I hadn’t seen them in a decade at least. I had no family left, nowhere to go if I couldn’t be in the band.

When my tears finally stopped, I looked to the man again.

“Please, how long until I’ll be healed?” I asked him. He showed me a picture of a body. Most of the left half was colored in red. Red meant danger. Danger meant bad stuff.

“In the crash, you were thrown out of the shattered windshield, but you left side of your body took most of the damage. We suspect that when you were tossed aside, you landed on your left arm, and the force ripped it off. Your entire left ribs and legs are bruised. When you landed, you caught yourself with your left arm, causing it to be ripped off, but none of your ribs were broken. This saved your life. If you had a broken rib, it could’ve punctured an organ and killed you. It’s a large price to pay for your life, but at least you’re alive.” He pointed out. I stared at the diagram blankly.

I wish I had died.

I could be with my dad and mom right now if only I was dead.

“Can I ever play piano again?” I asked so softly that I was nearly overpowered by the whirl of a fan. Doctor Lyons squeezed my hand softly.

“I can’t answer that.” He responded.

“B-but, don’t t-they m-make those prosthetic arms?” I asked. His green eyes twinkled with the only hope I had all day.

“That’s the other major question. I can-“ A nurse came in the room right as he was about to answer my question. I mentally scolded the woman, but she looked a sleepy eyed. The clock rang out midnight. Oh, no wonder she looked tired.

“Doctor Lyons, there’s five men and four kids in the lobby asking when they can see Ms. Skarsson.” She whispered to him. I might be one-armed, but I can still hear!

“Raven, do you know them?” He asked. I nodded. It was the band plus my four friends.

“Yes, Doctor Lyons.” I responded, voice still hovering over despair and depression.

“We’ll need to give you pain killers and sleep meds soon so you can try to recover as quickly as possible. We hope to have you out in about four or five days.” He said. I thought about seeing them.

But I really didn’t want to.

“Do you want to see them?” His voice drifted into my thoughts.

What would my friends think of me with one arm? No, they wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore. Who wants to be known as that kid that pities the one-armed wanna-be musician?

People gawk at those who are different, especially those who have lost a limb. The ignorant chose to ignore that us “Throw-Aways” are people to, so they would whisper behind my backs, calling me “ugly” and “disfigured”. I can’t let them see me like that.

I just want to hide.

The band. I couldn’t let them see me like this. They would just think I’m weak. They would think that I’m pitiful and I AM NOT LIKE THAT! I don’t care how many limbs I lose. I don’t want anyone to treat me like I can’t do anything by myself anymore.

No, I can’t let them see me. I can’t let Austin see me.

Austin. He would never love a girl with one arm. No, no will love me again. I don’t have my family, I can see my friends leaving me, the band would just pity me and I don’t want to be treated like a kid.

But I still want to be with Of Mice and Men.

So what will I do? I’ll hide having one arm as long as I can. I’ll wear long sleeved shirts, wear sweatshirts, do anything to hide that I don’t have my left arm. I’ll do this for two weeks after we get out of the hospital. I’ll use that time to prove to them that I’m still normal. They’ll think I’m still with both arms. It’s like nothing ever happened.

Then I’ll come out to them after two weeks and tell them that they don’t have to have me as part of the band. But that time I was acting “normal”, I’ll prove that I can still be Raven with one arm! It’ll be like nothing happened!

Yes, please, this has to work!

“Raven?”

“Please, I’m not going to see them. Can you do a favor for me, Doctor Lyons?” I asked him quietly. The Doctor nodded. I was an adult now. I was nineteen and could have my privacy if I wanted.

“Of course.”

“Please don’t tell them about my arm, yet. I’ll tell them later. You can say about anything else, just leave out anything about my arm.” I responded. Doctor Lyons nodded and got up. He left without another word. A nurse in green came and put meds in my IV.

Soon enough, I started to fall asleep. I didn’t want to slip away, but what was the point in reality when I had nothing left?

Notes

#SheWillFlyAgain

Well, she's at least living, but she's seriously depressed.

WARNING WARNING WARNING: THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS HAVE A LOT OF DEPRESSION IN THEM WITH POSSIBLE TRIGGERING STUFF. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH, SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHEN READING!!!!