Leaving the cave, going into the unknown

I woke up the next morning still in Alan’s arms and cuddled under the blankets seeing as we were still naked. The sun was starting to peak threw the blinds but I didn’t want to get up yet, I didn’t want to face the real world. I wanted to stay here forever with him in this little cabin. I didn’t want him to leave and tour, I didn’t want to go to work and be in that place again; I just wanted to be in this moment forever. I cuddled my head into the crook of his neck and started to silently cry, this moment was too perfect. It wasn’t fair that it had to end; I know I sound like a five year old but the world sucked right now.

I guess all my crying woke up Alan, I felt him stir beside me before he spoke up.

“Alex? Are you crying what’s wrong? Did I hurt you last night?” He sat up so he was leaning against the headboard and he carefully moved me so that I was sitting in his lap. He was being extra gentle because of the cuts on my side, last night I felt like he was walking on pins and needles while we were having sex because he was trying not to hurt me.

“I just, I don’t want you to go and I don’t want to go back to work. I’m scared, I’m tired of being in pain and knowing that you’re not going to be next to me everyday when I wake up makes me so sad. And I’m pissed off that I’m like this, it’s not fair I did nothing wrong and you did nothing wrong. I’m such a fucking burden I keep doing shit like this to you and it’s not fair.” I kept crying, I could tell Alan wanted to but in and interject a couple of times but he held it in so I could get it all out.

“Hey look at me. You are NOT a burden and I don’t want you to ever think you are. I do the things I do because I love you and choose to do them not because you are forcing me or I feel sorry for you. This is what people do for each other when they are in love. About touring, I’m not going to lie it’s going to be hard, but I’ll Skype you when I can, you can come visit me and we have a few Cali dates. Its only 2 months it’ll feel like nothing trust me. Were gonna make it threw it ok I promise.” He kissed my head and cuddled me, he pulled the blankets up over us and just held me until all the crying stopped.

“Thank you, I love you so much.” I kissed him and just stayed in the moment for a little while longer before I had to put my big girl pants on and go into the real world.


The day had come, my bubble was about to burst and I was about to walk into the place that had been haunting my dreams all week. It was now Monday and I was awoken by Alan gently stroking my back while calling out to me. He helped me shower as I really didn’t have the motivation to do much this morning, I put on as little makeup as possible and left my hair to air dry. Alan helped me get dressed so that it wouldn’t rub any of my cuts. I went downstairs and started on breakfast before sitting down at the table, he came down and sat next to me and just played with my hair because he knows how much I love it.

“I wanna drive you today, I’ll pick you up too ok? I made your lunch but if you aren’t feeling it you can come home early ok? I’ll just be at Austin’s so I can come and get you anytime.” I just nodded and felt him kiss the side of my hair. I don’t like being babied I don’t like this feeling but I couldn’t help it.

We got in the car and started the drive to my work, if felt shorter than ever before as we pulled up and I got out, I smiled to him and he blew me a kiss. I walked up to the door and just looked at it for a bit, how was I going to react when customers came in? I finally opened the door and looked around, there wasn’t that many people working today just Tom myself and another employee on the floor. The second Tom saw me he shot up, ran over to me and engulfed me in a big hug.

“Alex! Hey you look good. I’ve got your desk all set up and if you need to leave at anytime it’s fine ok?” I know Tom was bad at situations like this, so I just pretended that everything was fine and that I wasn’t freaking out on the inside. I walked over to my desk and looked at all the incoming invoices for designs. There were 5 to do and 4 were from bands, usually at this point I would put music on in my headphones but I didn’t’ trust myself not to be on high alert. That was going to make doing the band designs hard as I usually put the artist I’m working for’s music on. The other one I had to do was an earth theme of a tree so I thought I’d start with that one with no music to see how I felt. I was a little slower than usual so by the time I finished it was lunch; I opened my bag to see what Alan had packed me. He had put some left over steak and pasta in my bag and I was going to have to reheat it but I knew that if I was a little shaken in the lobby I would be vibrating in the kitchen. I got up and walked over to Tom’s desk, he was on the phone so I just waited he finally got off so I could speak.

“Tom I hate to bother you but could you, I just, I need to my food to be heated but I can’t, I uh, it’s just…” I couldn’t get the words out but he got it. I told him how long it should be in there and he went off to do it. I went back to my desk and sat there until he returned with my lunch, while sitting there eating I realized that I wasn’t going to listen to music without freaking out and I wanted to do a great job for these bands. After eating I went up to Tom again, I hated what I was about to do but I wanted to do a great job.

“Hey Tom? I think I’m going to go home but I’m going to bring the band designs with me. I just can’t sit here and listen to music, and I need to, to to finish it and I think I can only do that in my own home. It’ll be done my tomorrow but ya.” I looked at the ground the whole time, I felt pathetic but I didn’t want to let my current state affect a possible profit stream for a band or my rep as an artist.

“Ya sure that’s totally fine don’t even worry about it do you need a ride?”

“No thanks Alan can pick me up. Thanks Tom” He stood up and hugged me and I called Alan.

“Hey Alan could you pick me up please?” I said softly into the phone.

“Ya sure is everything ok?”

“Ya. We could go back to Austin’s after I just need a corner and a table I still have some work to do.” I said while packing up all my stuff.

“Sure sure ok I’ll be right there.” He said as he hung up the phone

I finished packing and walked out to wait for him on the curb, even though I didn’t get threw the whole day I did better than expected. Baby steps would get me there eventually but for now I just needed to be somewhere safe with someone safe.

Notes

How's everyone's week going?? good ? I hope so
My crazy sweet friend gave me a ticket to see LIGHTS on her tour coming up so my week has been pretty good so far. Don't be a silent reader tell me what you think!!!