For What It's Worth..

“So, did you tell her yet?” Ryan asked me. He had his arms crossed, and a disappointed look on his face as he sat on his chair across from me, his leg crossed neatly over the other. Honestly, the way his style was changing, he reminded me of a mobster or Jesse James from Monster Garage wearing anything and everything black, and right now it was becoming creepy looking as he scolded me.

I sighed, a little frustrated because he wasn't the first to get after me about this today, so this is the twentieth time I had heard this today alone, and that wasn’t including the past couple of days when I had first planned this. Ryan and I were originally planning on talking about everything we needed to do before the start of touring season, which was next week, we'd be leaving for almost three months. We did talk about it for a good while until someone texted him to tell him were Kuza was right now.

"No, I didn’t tell her yet." I answered him. "But I can't imagine she hasn't figured it out by now. Michael isn't going to lie for me and I'm not lying to her." he gave me a condescending look. "No shit she figured it out. Who wouldn't have the way you've been hovering over her."

He paused, his eyes becoming glossy from recalling a memory it seemed. "I mean, asking us; your friends." he made ridiculous hand gestures to his rant. "Isn't a problem, because we're her friends too and honestly we're worried about all this crap as much as anyone. So we'll go check on her, hang out and whatnot. Even though she knows why we're doing it and yet she hasn't kicked your ass for doing it." I winced at his tone. "But." His voice sounded strained.

"Conning Michael Kuza into working at Jen's job so he can keep an eye on her is going to far." he put his arms up in an 'X' motion and slammed them back down on the armrests with a thump. "To far."

I snorted, laughing. "Can you be any more dramatic." His expression told me otherwise. "Sorry." I relented, and sighed again. I didn’t know how to reply to him so I looked away from his annoyed stare and focused my gaze to a point in the wall behind him. I could hear the question he had lined up for me before he said it.

"What happened with your ex, after we left you in the hospital, after you got that painting from Lilith? We saw Ricky run back in the direction of the hotel, but we just thought he forgot something." he paused. "What happened between the time we last saw you and Ricky and then when we saw you in the van, with Ricky sporting a bloody nose, and spare me the 'he ran into a door' routine."

I smirked, just a tad because of the way he said it. How Ricky got the bloody nose was far from funny, although the cover story for it was him running into a door if I remember right. “Okay, I guess I owe you an explanation..” I trailed off momentarily, not knowing where to start. A phone started ringing, bringing me out of my thoughts as quickly as I started searching them. I looked at Ryan, questioning if it was his and when he shook his head ‘no’ I quickly dug out my phone. Kuza’s name came onto my screen when I turned it to the front. “It’s Kuza.”

“He better not be calling to give you updates.” His voice an annoyed warning. “I didn’t ask for updates.” I answered coolly, even though I was annoyed at the fact he thought so lowly of me. I trusted Jen; not so much my ex..

I swiped the answer button. “Hey Mike, what's up?”

“Hey, I tried to get you at your house, where are you?” I raised my eyebrow in question. “I’m at Ryan’s, why, what’s going on?” suddenly alarmed.

“I had to drive Jenny too the hospital after work.” He sounded upset. “Is she alright? What happened? Did somebody hurt her?” The questions came tumbling out of my mouth before I could think them through, and I saw Ryan give me a wide eyed stare and move forward too listen.

“No, no, god no. Just a lot pain, and, why, does someone want to hurt her?” I bit my lip, trying not to spill too much right now. “I don’t know, I just… Is she okay?”

He sighed, and it was as if he didn’t want to be telling me what was coming next. “She’s alright, physically.. but emotionally..” He trailed off, and my heart skipped a beat. Emotionally?

“Just, can you get over here as fast as you can? I’m not even supposed to be on my cell, but I had to call you. She needs you here Chris, right now…”

“A-Alright.” I stammered out, but he had already hung up. My head was swimming with possibilities as to what's happened. I jumped out of my chair, and rushed towards the door, hastily putting my shoes on. “Chris, what the fuck, what’s going on?” Ryan was beside me, helping me back up as I fell onto the stairs in the foyer. “Ouch!” I clutched my ribs, “Got to get to the hospital.” I grunted in pain at him, and rushed out the door, ignoring his protests for me to stop and think about what I was doing. I didn’t care, because I really didn’t want this to be a twisted reenactment of me mindlessly running too someone whose body already lay motionless under a sheet on a steel slab...



On foot to the hospital it usually takes an half hour or more. Five minutes in, it had started downpouring. Even with the rain, I got to the hospital in record time. Ten painful minutes later I ran through the automated doors was also when I took my first uninhibited breath since I ran out Ryan’s door. The pain from falling on Ryan’s stairs assaulted my senses as I breathed harshly, trying to regain my equilibrium. I couldn’t believe how blindly I ran here. I was drenched and my lungs burned for air that didn’t come at me as fast as I ran just seconds before. I took a brief moment to look around me and saw people sitting in chairs giving me startled glances, some half way standing, like they were going to get up to come help me, even security looked a bit concerned. "Chris, what the hell did you do?" Kuza surprised me by walking up to my left side. I stood up straight, holding my right side, gingerly. "I fell." I managed a small grin.

"How did get here so fast?" he returned the grin. "Did you take your car?" He probably assumed I ran to the hospital from my car.

"No, ran." I gave a short gasping laugh. "I'm in better shape than that. I ran here from Ryan’s."

"Jesus."

"Yeah, I don’t recommend it. I wasn't really thinking."

"Hey, it's your girlfriend, I really can't blame you. She's been asking for you even though she hasn't said much since we got here." He paused as if to think over his words. "Actually that might be the only thing she really said.." I sensed there was more to that sentence than he was saying. He shook his head, and nodded down the hall. I followed him down the hall and up two flights of stairs. We stopped just a few mere steps away from a door that a doctor was talking into. I heard him say Jen's full name and well it didn’t take me long to figure out where I was. The doctor closed the door and looked ashen and slightly startled, not sure of what, but I was going to guess it was me. It was only then I realized my overcoat was pretty well soaked and I was starting to get cold. Realization hit me when I realized I probably looked mentally unstable, the way my makeup felt and how harshly I was breathing."Ah, Mr. Kuza, and this is...your brother?" He left it as a question and I immediately felt that small trickle of annoyance we usually both felt about when people assumed we were twins or something. But what threw me was how Kuza handled it this time around. Since we both held the same opinion on the subject. "Yeah, this is Jenny’s boyfriend Chris Cerulli."

The doctor didn’t even blink at the obvious different last names. "Hello Chris, do you mind if I talk to you for a minute before you see your girlfriend?"

I looked at him strangely but complied with a reaffirming "Yes."

"Follow me." as he started walking towards a nurses station. It was then I gave the place a proper look and then I saw what part of the hospital I was in. Maternity ward? But I never got to finish that thought, cause the doctor stopped and started talking to a nurse who was practically hypnotized by her phone. I didn’t know what I wanted to do first, yell at her and take her phone and throw it at her, or throw it at her then yell. This is a damn hospital not your damn bedroom where you sit on your bed all day deciding who to text first. Or which selfie to post on Facebook. There is a time and fucking place.

"Can you ask Diane to bring food to room 521?"

She nodded and got up to go find the other nurse. The doctor looked back up at me, his face looked young but if you looked closely you could see the lines of age under his eyes. He had brown eyes that seemed alive with agitation and if I read correctly fear..? Fear? What was that about. "So, Chris, Ms Virginia came in early this evening with a severe pain in her abdomen. With further examination we found that she had a-" he took a breath and again I wondered what was wrong. "Excuse me, I've been having a long day and this is one of the worst part of any doctors day, I swear to you... She- she had a miscarriage."

I couldn’t believe my ears at first. I almost thought it was some sort of twisted joke. The doctor's expression was a one of a kind grief, like he was used to it but it never brought any kind of pleasure, just an increasing sadness each time. I must have been gaping or something, my eyes felt like they were popping out of my head. I looked over at Kuza, silently begging him to help, to help me understand this. It hurt, a lot more than I was willing to admit. I stood there, dumbfounded and grief struct. My hands clenched into fists, and I heard the squeaking of my leather gloves as I stretched it harshly to my will. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder and I jumped, startled out of my trance. "Come on, brother." It was Kuza. "Let's go see Jen, okay?" I nodded, and I responded with a meek 'yeah'. The doctor nodded at me, and I saw something else on his face that I knew wasn't supposed to be there. Guilt. He turned around before I could ask him about it. Turning around, I let Kuza lead me to Jen's room again.

I put my hands over my face, as if that was going to protect me from this. When I dropped them again they fell loosely to my sides, and I was met with Mike's sympathetic face. He nodded, and walked in without knocking and I followed close behind. I heard her before I saw her. She was sitting on the ledge on the window, curled up in a ball. Her knees tucked under her chin, arms tightened around her legs keeping them still. She was tense, her muscles bunched up, but for whatever reason I couldn’t tell. She had her headphones in and the volume was up really bloody loud, a sign she was very, very upset. But what gave away why she was upset was the kind of music she was listening to. It sounded heavy and a bit like screaming, I inched closer and was floored. She was listening to me, Motionless In White; and if I knew my songs correctly and I damn well did, she was listening to Abigail. She was wearing dark blue scrubs that seemed to hang off her.

She was tapping her foot to the song, and I saw the tremor in her clothes as she kept up with it. My heart ached for her. I quickly unbuttoned my drenched overcoat and threw it on the back of the chair beside her bed. She looked over startled, but when she saw me I saw a hint of smile. She pulled out her headphones and whispered out a raspy. "Hey."

Watching her get off the ledge was painful, she flinched in pain as she started walking towards me. I couldn’t help but glance at her stomach, and the thought that she was no longer carrying our child put a lump in my throat. "Hey, my angel." I strode over to her so she didn't have to walk far. Taking her into my arms as soon as she was in my reach, I cradled her head to my chest. "When did you get here?" She asked as she wrapped her arms around me tightly.

"Just a few minutes ago. I got here as fast as I could."

"That must have been you then. I saw some man in black running towards the hospital, he nearly ran into a car."

"Sounds like me, doesn't it."

"Yes, a madman in black. Definitely sounds like you." She sniffled and I felt her squeeze me tighter. I heard the door close behind us, and I knew Kuza left us alone. I held her close; squeezing her and swaying her gently, willing her to cry, because I knew she needed too. I felt it.

"Yes, your madman in black." I chuckled lightly. She shook a little, laughing softly and I heard the choking sob that was threatening to come out.

"I'm not going to ask if you're okay," I started slowly. "because I know that you aren't. But I am here for you whether you need me or not. If you need to be alone, I'll still be there, waiting for you to talk." I tilted my head so my cheek was resting against her hair. It was dry and soft, warming my cold skin. "I'm so sorry this happened to you baby. I'm so sorry." the choking sob turned into full blown crying,gripping my shirt and clinging off of it.

I just held her there, rubbing her back slowly all the while rocking her back and forth. After a couple minutes I led her to her bed and laid her down, while I tried to cuddle up beside her without messing up her bed. She didn't give me any options, as she tugged me right up with her, wet clothes and all. I didn't protest the comfort I got from it. Soon she calmed down and I heard her take a deep trembling sigh. I did too, but I couldn’t open my mouth, it was just a dramatic intake of air through my nose. We laid there in silence for awhile, just letting the stillness in the room soothe us. It didn’t do much for my mind, as unsettled as it had become since I got here. Images of Jenny playing with her niece and ones with her having a very pregnant belly were bombarding my thoughts. I knew she wanted kids someday, just by the way she adored her niece; Nova. I never gave it any thought, if I was honest I never did want kids, but the pain in my heart was telling me otherwise.

Reality hit me as I realized I could have been a father. I was stunned. Something must have alarmed Jen to my sudden change of demeanour. "Chris, are you alright hun?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. My side just hurts a little that's all." It wasn't a total lie, it did hurt a bit, but not seriously enough to get worried about it. It was something to focus on though.

She immediately turned her head up and tilted it to look at my face. "Are you alright, what happened?" her concern for me warmed me as it always has since I met her, she was the one who had to endure great emotional pain, and yet she was more concerned about me.

"I'm fine, I fell earlier on Ryan’s stairs. Might be bruised but it's no biggie. I'm more worried about you." I saw the tiniest hint of a blush form across her face.

"I'll live." She gave a small smile. "I'm still trying to accept the reality of it."

Too accurate she was.

For a second I thought she was going to talk about it, but decided against it. Instead lifting up my shirt so she could look at my side. I was right, I saw the beginnings of a wonderful looking bruise near my hip and cringed internally. Gingerly, she put her hand over it, and she sighed. Her temperature was hot to the touch with my cold skin and I felt the ache slip away a little. I loved it when she did things like that, it made me happy. "That's going to be bad bruise, I would say."

"Yeah, keep away from Ryan’s stairs. They're pointy and painful when landed upon." She laughed at that, my play on words and I was glad we could still talk some what normally.

Pulling my shirt back down, she nestled under my arm, snuggling me. I looked at my feet hanging awkwardly off the side of the bed, uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to bother taking them off. They were wet and dirty from me running here, so much so that they were dripping water with specs of dirt. I pushed the heel of one and it went flying off, doing the same with the other I pulled my feet up on the bed, keeping a distance from Jenny’s legs, not to get her wet and cold.

The silence was broken after she spoke up again. "I guess I was lucky that Kuza was there to take me to the hospital." She said it pointedly, without any malice. I looked down at her and I saw her smile in a I-know-what-you-did kinda way. "You've no idea how much shit I've been getting today because of that."

My smile was light. She shook her head. "I can't get mad at you for it, considering what happened. I mean, I barely remember how I got here, so." She trailed off, not knowing how to finish.

"No, it's fine Jenny. I don’t blame you for being upset. It was a poor judgement call on my part."

She sniffled and laughed. "As long as you did it, thinking about my safety and not for other reasons."

I trust you. "Jen, I love you. I wouldn’t do this if I didn't trust you. Same with you. If this was about trust, you and I have the same opinion on it. We talk, not send our friends to do the dirty work."

She nodded her head, agreeing with me and I felt relieved on some level. Ricky and I still didn't tell everyone the whole story but it felt like I could tell it soon. Well more to the point, it had to come out. Before everyone started making their own assumptions. I looked down at my hands and saw that I still had my gloves on. It took some maneuvering, but I managed to get them off without making myself frustrated with the leather and the water still dripping off me. Once I wrapped my arms around her again, she pulled my left hand to her and examined it. Watching her, she caressed my hand, gazing at my tattoos.

"See something you like?" I murmured into her hair. She laughed softly. "I see someone I like. And I'm holding onto his extremely wonderful tattooed hand."

She looked up at me, and nuzzled into my neck. Her lips felt warm against it. She mumbled something against it, and then she giggled. "What?" I asked her. She laughed again. "My lost boy."

She tilted her head up too me and smiled at me sweetly.

“You’re so cheeky.”

“And yet, you love me anyway.”

“Of course I do, especially when you smile like that.” I commented. She giggled and snuggled herself under my chin.




It must have been an hour or later, Jen was fast asleep in my arms, her face pressed against my chest. The nurse had come in sometime earlier with some food for her to eat, and I had to coax her to eat it all, since she tried too make me eat half of it. After that we just laid there and she finally fell asleep. I wish she didn’t but at the same time I’m glad she did, because I couldn’t seem to hold back the thought that I could have been a father.

It was unbelievable, really. I couldn’t believe it. And just when I find out that it was possible, it gets snatched away as quickly as I learnt it. It felt like I couldn’t even mourn the fact that our child was gone, before we even knew it was there.

My thoughts were interrupted yet again, by the nurse that came in earlier. “Sorry to disturb you, but visiting hours are over. You can come pick her up in the morning.”

“Alright.” I murmured. “Do you have a pen?” I asked her. She nodded and handed me one from her uniform. I dug around in my pockets, and pulled out a scrap piece of paper. I wrote down.

-I’ll be back to pick you up in the morning, love you Jen. <3-

I quickly put my shoes and jacket back on, and went to kiss Jenny's forehead.

“See you in the morning, beautiful.” I murmured softly. And with that I left the room, the hospital, and stood out in the rain, and let my tears finally fall.

Notes

OK. This chapter was extremely hard to write, because of my current situation. But its also my current situation that I haven't been updating.

I'm... Well. Pregnant. O.O.

Yeah, it surprised the hell out of me too. But my boyfriend of seven years is ecstatic. Me, I'm happy but..hormonal.

Anyway. Hope you enjoy, and I hope to have interent soon, things have been up and down, but thanks for reading these stories, they seem to be the only thing keeping me going. :3

Enjoy! :)