Wounds of Regret

~Austin's POV~

"A-Alan?" I started to hesitantly make my way towards him, but stopped myself. I didn't want to provoke him.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Nothing could ever have prepared me for what I'd seen when I opened the door. Alan was standing on a chair with his head in a fucking noose. Blood was dripping onto the floor from the visible gashes in his wrists, and his face was coated in tears.

I stood there frozen, staring in complete shock at the sight before me. I really just couldn't believe it. I felt my heart shattering in my chest. Alan meant so much to me, there was no way I was going to lose him. Not ever.

I knew there was something off about him, but never in a million years would I have thought he would be driven to this. There was so many emotions running through me I couldn't think straight. All I knew was that there was no way in hell I'm going to lose him.

I forced myself to snap out of it, running towards him.

"Alan dont you dare. I will not lose you. Not today. Not ever." I looked at him straight in the eyes, he started crying and blubbering out random sentences.

"Y-you dont have to keep pretending, Austin. I know you all want me gone. I'm just bringing you down everything will be better when I'm gone. Please just leave Austin. I dont deserve to be here anymore please jus- just." He started cry cry even harder, and I could barely make out anything he said.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He thought we wanted him gone. He thought he was bringing everyone down. He couldn't have been more wrong. I needed him, the band needed him, and our fans needed him more than anything. He was the most important person in my life, and I couldn't grasp how he felt this way. I felt my heart break all over again.

"Just leave me to die!" Alan choked out, repeating the same phrase over and over.

I grabbed his waist and carefully lifted his head out from under the rope. I lifted his frail body into my arms, failing to hold back tears. I was shocked at how light he was. He couldn't have weighed more than a child.

Alan started to fight, pounding on my chest and screaming that he was too fat. I felt my stomach drop. How had I not seen this earlier? After a few minutes Alan gave up, too weak to keep fighting.

His eyes started to droop, and I was getting worried. I spotted a bottle of pills spilling onto the ground and started to panic.

"Shit."

I ran to the bathroom, clutching Alan in my arms. I sat on the floor and gently placed him in my lap in front of the toilet. I was not about to let him die. I stuck my fingers down his throat, forcing him to throw up. He flopped around lifelessly in my arms, seemingly unaware if his surroundings.

One he'd thrown up all the pills, I held him in my arms, promising him everything was going to be okay. Promising I would help him no matter what.

I remembered the gashes on his wrists, and soon found a first aid kit under the sink to bandage him up. Once I'd cleaned and bandaged the wounds, I kissed both of his wrists and lifted him into my arms again. I just wish he could see how beautiful he really is.

I set Alan on the couch, wrapped in lots of blankets and pillows, leaving him to sleep.

Not baring to look at it anymore, I pulled the rope down off the ceiling and threw it in the trash. I cleaned the droplets of blood off the floor, and stopped to gaze at the beautiful boy sleeping on the couch. There was no way I was leaving him alone.

I headed to the kitchen, deciding to get myself a drink when I spotted it. Alan's letter.

Hesitantly, I opened the piece of paper and began to read. What I read broke me.

He explained everything he was feeling. How he thought he was only in the band out of pity, how he thought he was fat and ugly, how he thought no one would care if he was gone, and most importantly how he was in love with me. And that I'd never love him back.

I honestly didn't know how to feel. I've been in love with Alan since we first met, but I always thought he'd never like me back. If I had just stopped being such a pussy and told him none of this may have even happened.

I was filled with so many emotions right now, I needed to tell someone what happened.

Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I decided to call Aaron.

The phone rang a few times before he finally picked up.

"Hey Austin, how you doing?

"Not so good right now, man."

"What happened?" He sounded concerned. He should be.

"This is going to come as a complete shock so I'm just going to say it. I walked in on Alan trying to kill himself."

There was silence on the end of the line.

"Fuck."

"I know. He's sleeping right now but I read the letter he left and its really bad, Aaron. There's no way I'm leaving him alone. When he wakes up he's coming home with me."

More silence.

"Fuck, man. I really don't know what to say. Do you want me to tell the other guys?"

"Yeah, that would be great thanks. I really have to go, I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I hung up the phone, running my hands through my hair. I decided to go check on Alan again, seeing him still curled up on the couch. Satisfied with what I saw, I headed to the closet where I knew Alan kept his suitcases for tour.

Grabbing out a few bags, I began to pack them full of everything Alan would need. Once I was satisfied with what I'd packed, I grabbed the bags and set them by the door.

I figured it wouldn't hurt to leave for a second or two, so I walked down to my car to set the luggage in. I came back just in time to see Alan waking up.

Notes