Strength in Numbers

When I woke up, I was alone in the bunk. I rolled my way out to see Austin, Tino, and Phil still out cold in their bunks. I found Aaron in the front of the bus, playing on his phone.

"Morning, bub," I said as I walked over to start the coffee.

He looked up quickly. "Jesus, Silver, don't sneak up on me like that." He scrubbed the heals of his hands over his eyes. "It's too early to be up."

I chuckled and sat next to him. "So go back to bed."

He shrugged. "Can't sleep, haven't been able to in a while. Everyone else still passed out?"

I nodded. "Alan wasn't in bed when I woke up though."

Aaron laughed. "Yeah, he's passed out in the back. He said something about you taking up the entire bunk last night so he just slept on the couch."

I rolled my eyes. "That's a shit excuse, he knows he could've just shoved me over and gotten in. I wouldn't have woken up."

"Heavy sleeper?"

"Mmhmm, especially last night. I think everything just kind of caught up to me and I just passed the fuck out."

Aaron laughed at me. "We almost made it through the morning without you swearing."

"Fuck off."

He shook his head, but I could see a smile on his lips.

The coffee maker beeped and I promptly went to retrieve my coffee. I smiled as I drank the molten liquid. "Mmm, have I ever told you how much I love coffee? Cause I fucking love coffee."

He laughed. "I would've never guessed."

We sat in a comfortable silence as I drank my caffeine and Aaron checked twitter. I wondered if this was what I had in store if I continued to date Alan. If I would never be fully comfortable with my boyfriend as I was with one of his best friends. I wondered if I would lose Aaron as a friend because I wanted him as something more. I wondered if Austin would forever be an emotional roller coaster because I was dating the man he wanted to be with. I repressed a sigh. Staying with Alan seemed like a worse idea every minute. I loved him, no doubt about it, but I was starting to think what I had mistaken for romance was just good friendship. Our relationship put that friendship at a great risk. I was getting less and less comfortable being Alan's girlfriend. He couldn't handle when I had panic attacks, and that frightened me. I lived with Hillary because I knew she could help me keep it together. I had lived with Austin through college because we could keep each other from falling apart. If I went to live with Alan and he couldn't handle my panic attacks I might run into traffic again. I couldn't repress the deep sigh that forced it's way through my lips. This was getting too complicated.

"You ok, angel?"

I looked over to meet Aaron's worried gaze. "A.P. you'll still be one of my best friends even though Alan and I are together, right?"

He seemed taken aback by the question, but collected himself quickly. "Yeah, of course. I mean, it kinda sucks, but I wouldn't just abandon you for being with Alan."

I nodded. My chest felt heavy. Being in love wasn't supposed to be this complicated.

"What's wrong?" He brushed the back of his fingers over my cheek. "You're crying."

I tried to take a deep breath but it came through choppy and uneven.

"Come here, angel," Aaron pulled me into a hug, where I promptly gripped his torso like he was the only thing saving me from falling and buried my face in his shoulder. "Need to talk?" I shook my head. "Panic attack?" I shook my head again. "Just need a hug?" I nodded. "Ok, hun." He held me tightly and pressed a kiss to the side of my head.

Aaron hummed softly while I clung to him, soaking his shirt. After a while I recognized "When You Can't Sleep at Night". That fucker knew that song was my greatest weakness. Austin had written it back when we were in college about the many nights he'd lay awake with me as my anxiety got the better of me. He'd stay in my room and hold me when my world seemed to be crashing around me. He wrote that song when he went to New York for a vacation and I had to call him to help me calm down because Hillary wasn't answering her phone and I was in hysterics.

"Pretty little lady with the swollen eyes would you show them to me?" Aaron sang softly.

I smiled. "I know I'm not that perfect, but you stay a while, baby, then you will see." My voice was a little shaky from crying, but I couldn't not sing. It was about me after all.

"I don't know what's wrong, but it'll all work out, ok? Everything does eventually."

God I hoped so.

Notes