Strength in Numbers

"It's not fair," I pouted as Alan climbed into the bunk.

He sighed. "Sil, don't be a kid about this. I have waited two years to have you, and I'm not losing you to a fucking blade." He pulled me close to his chest and kissed the top of my hair. "I love you far too much to allow you to do that to yourself."

I buried my head in his chest. That was the third time he'd directly told me he loved me. He never expected me to say it back, even though I know it kills him when I don't.

"Alright, what the fuck Silver?" He pushed me off his chest.

I looked up at him shocked. "What?"

"You spaz out every time I tell you I love you. You came to me knowing that. I don't expect you to say it back yet, but, Christ, I expect you to not freak out like I'm about to fucking kill you."

Aaron wouldn't talk to you like that. I quickly pushed the thought away. "I-I'm sorry." I began to itch for my blade. Any kind of confrontation always gave me anxiety, making the need for the sharpened metal worse.

"Fuck Sil," he groaned catching my hand. I hadn't even realized that I'd been dragging my across my arm, nearly ripping the skin. "Stop that, you've been clean for so long." His disappointed stare was too much for me. I climbed out of the bunk and went to the bathroom.

I gripped the edge of the sink hard with shaking hands as I looked in the mirror. I look like death. I quickly scanned the bathroom. The boys had taken every sharp object out of the bathroom, keeping them hidden from me. Bastards.

What am I saying? I'm five months clean. I saw the horror cross my expression in the mirror. My hands tugged at my hair by the roots as I began hyperventilating. I can't do this. I can't do this. I sank down to the floor. I can't do this. I can't-

"Silver?"

I couldn't get the air in my lungs, much-a-less form a coherent response. The door cracked open anyway as a mess of red curls appeared. His eyes widened when he saw me curled in a ball, ripping at my hair as air moved through me in uncontrollable hiccups.

"Baby," he frowned squatting in front of me. "Hey hey, it's ok, Sil." He looked down awkwardly. I was freaking out and he didn't know what to do. "Calm down, ok?"

I shot him my best, "are you crazy, I'm flipping the shit here" look as a figure appeared in the doorway. I lifted my panicked eyes to his, begging for the help my boyfriend clearly couldn't give me.

"Shit Sil," Aaron muttered, his voice still deep and scratchy with sleep. He shooed Alan out and sat next to me. "Shh, it's ok. You're ok." He slowly worked my hands away from my hair. "Shh, I know, honey, it's ok." Once he was successful in making sure I wasn't going to tear off a chunk of my scalp, he held me tightly to his chest. He stroked my hair as he murmured reassurances in my ear.

I still couldn't breathe, but I felt safer. It was like when Austin held me. Eventually Aaron got my breathing to match his deep breaths... then I cried.

Aaron:
I groaned as I was awakened by a panicked voice. "Hey hey, it's ok, Sil," was followed by frantic pants and a frustrated groan. I got up and trudged over to the bathroom. The door was open, and inside Silver sat on the floor, her back against the sink, and her hands wound around the roots of her hair. "Calm down, ok?" Alan you fucking moron. Sil shot him an "are you shitting me?" look before lifting panicked eyes to mine.

"Shit Sil." I shooed away Alan, who only seemed to be making it worse. I tried to mimic what I'd witnessed Austin do a couple days ago when we found her about to take a blade to her arms. I got her to release her hair from her death grip and held her tightly to my chest. "Shh, it's ok. You're ok," I murmured.

Slowly but surely I got her to match my breathing. Just when I thought I'd calmed her down, she broke down crying. I held her tighter, and my heart soared when she hugged me back, crying into my shoulder.

"Silver, what's wrong?"

"I-I'm doing e-everything w-wrong," she sobbed.

"What do you mean?"

"I-I'm not g-good enough, a-all I do i-is d-disappoint Alan."

If he's an ass to her, I swear I'll kill him. "I'm sure that's not true, sweetie."

She sobbed harder. "A-Aaron?"

"Yes, honey?"

She lifted her head from my shoulder to look at me with sad red eyes. "W-why can't I b-be good enough?" She looked like a lost puppy, so sad and confused.

I wanted to cry myself. She spoke with such sincerity, actually thinking all she could do was fuck up. "Silver, don't ever say that." I wiped away tears from her cheeks. "You're perfect, don't ever think differently. You're so much better than a blade, and we're all here for you. You're not disappointing anyone, baby. We're all so proud that you've made it this long. I know you think we're ridiculous bringing you around the country on tour, but we just want to make sure you're ok. We all care about you, Sil."

She smiled, but like actually smiled. It wasn't just a faked, or halfhearted gesture, her eyes gleamed with happiness. "Really?"

I smiled back and wiped the last traces of tears from her cheeks. "Really."

She hugged me tightly. "Thanks Aaron."

"Anytime, Sil."

She smiled at me once more before she got up and sauntered back to the bunks. I leaned my head back against the sink and closed my eyes. Fuck Aaron, you fucking moron. You stupid fucker. Fuck. I fell harder for her every time I saw her smile. I could still feel butterflies batting around in my abdomen. Stop thinking like that! She's with Alan! I pulled my head foward slightly then let it fall back to the sink with a thunk. I kept whamming my head backwards into the wood. You idiot. You're going to fuck everything up. You need to get your shit together. Fuck I hate myself.

"Aaron?"I opened my eyes to see Austin looking down at me, concerned. "Everything ok, buddy?"

I swallowed. "Just dandy."

He chuckled and squatted down in front of me. "What happened?"

I sighed. "I'm an idiot."

"It's a prerequisite to joining the band. Why else would we have Phil? But why are you an idiot, this time?"

I snorted. "Because I think I'm falling for Sil, but I know I can't have her because she with Alan, and they went through some serious shit before they finally go together. I would never even think about asking her to leave him for me, but it's eating me alive to know that I had her, and let her go, and I don't even know if she's happy with him. I found her having a panic attack on the floor and he just fucking sat here and said, 'calm down, ok?' Like, what the fuck?"

Austin laughed at my anger. His eyes did their crinkly thing when he smiled. "Oh yeah kid, you're falling for her. But hey, Alan really loves her, and he's awkward as fuck, I know, but he's trying. He fought so hard to win her heart, and he's still fighting because she's so hesitant to give it away." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I know it's rough, Aaron, but you made the right decision letting her go for Alan. You have no idea the admiration he holds for you for doing that for him. He'll do right by her, I promise. Just be there to be her friend when she needs to get away from the princess's drama."

I chuckled. "Thanks, Aust."

"Go get some sleep, bud. We have a show tomorrow." I nodded and we both walked back to our respective bunks.

I heard Silver's giggle from Alan's bunk, then Alan's shush, as he chuckled. That could have been you. I shoved my pillow over my face before growling my frustration into it. Fuck me. This tour was going to be hell.

Notes

I'm so sorry! I've been writing this chapter for a week! It was so hard to get through for some reason, but it's here! And I know where I want it to go, so more chapters should be coming out frequently again. :) Thanks for the support! Much love <3 - Anna