The guys and the girls had just left the bus for their night out, Alan had tried asking to talk to me a few times since we had gotten back to the bus but I had somehow managed to get out of it. Now I sat on the lounge with a pad of paper on my lap. I had drawn two columns, one for pros and one for cons. I began to write;

Pros
Alan is nice
Alan is funny
Alan is attractive
He will treat me right
He is understanding
He has never forced me into anything
He genuinely cares
Great sex
Overall great guy
We are perfect for each.

Cons
Harassment from fans
If we break up it could be awkward.

I was stuck writing the rest of the cons. I had so many pros but hardly any cons. And right now, in this moment, I knew that I wanted to date Alan. I smiled to myself, finally I could let myself do this without having doubts.
I wanted to surprise Alan with the talk when he arrived back at the bus so I messaged all the girls and the guys, telling them I would be hanging out at the Bring Me The Horizon bus and they’ll probably reach the bus before I do. I got several responses saying ‘okay!’
___________________________________________________________________________

It was now 1am and I was in bed, BMTH looked really tired so I didn’t want to keep them from anything. I had decided to go to bed and just lay under my covers until Alan came home. Sudden I could hear the bus door opening and closing, and male and female giggles and kissing. Either Tino, Aaron or Phil had come back with their girl. I snuggled further into my covers, I was kind of trying to sleep. Right now I wasn’t even visible. My head was completely under my covers. I heard more giggling, and then the sound of my bedroom door being open.
Oh guys really? Please not in mine and Alan’s room! I was about to pull the covers off me and kick the horny bastards out when I heard a female moan followed by a voice. Alan’s voice.
“mm you like that babe?” groaned Alan.
“Yes heeheehee” giggled the stupid fucking bimbo.
I heard Alan and the bitch go on Alan’s bed and continue their… fun.
It honest to god felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stamped on it. I thought Alan said he would wait until I’m ready? I thought Alan liked me? Tears silently fell down my cheeks as I laid there, frozen. I couldn’t move and I don’t think I wanted to, things would be so awkward if he knew that I knew. Plus I couldn’t really move, I was literally fucking frozen. I don’t know why I was frozen though when my main instinct was to get the fuck out! Was I frozen in pain? Fear? Betrayal? No, not betrayal. We were never official, we could have been if it wasn’t for me and my stupid mind. This would never of happened if I went with them, this never would have happened. This is all my fault. Am I not good enough? He said he would wait for me, that’s what Anouk told me. Was I just another girl to him?
Unfortunately I had no right to be angry with Alan, we were both single. He was just mingling more than me.
How could he do this? My tears were soaking my face, it was making my hair stick to my skin and my little area under my covers really fucking hot and I couldn’t breathe. I needed to lift my covers a little bit so I could breathe. Unfortunately I was laying on my side, facing Alan’s bed. I very slowly moved my arm and lifted it, the fresh air hit my face and I silently breathed it all in. As I had created a little tunnel in my covers, I now had a fantastic view of Alan and the bitch fucking.
With every moan and groan they made, my heart broke even more. Even when I thought my heart couldn’t break anymore, it broke even more.
After a few hours, Alan and the bitch were finally finished. I felt like I was dead on the inside and out. I was numb, I guess once my heart had reached its pain limit I just stopped feeling everything although my tears were still pouring down my face.
“Can we cuddle?” The blonde girl giggled.
“Ah, unfortunately not my little princess, the rest of the guys should be here any minute now and, uh, someone else will be here as well” Alan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Someone else?” The bitch said, quoting Alan, “Is it another girl?” She asked, I could hear the pout in her voice.
“It is, but trust me Lauren, she means nothing to me.” Alan reassured her. Wow, thanks Alan. My numb streak had ended as soon as Alan spoke those words, pain seared my heart like a red hot knife. Lauren, A.K.A. Bitch, quickly dropped the conversation.
“Well, tonight was fun” She said, her voice dripping with seduction.
“Here, I will give you my number, and whenever you feel like…” Alan paused, “Give me a call and we’ll try and sort something out.” He finished sexily.
Alan and the Bitch walked out of our room and I assumed he was leading her to the door. That’s when I bolted, I ran for dear life down to the end of the bus and into the bathroom.

As soon as I reached the bathroom I ran to the mirror, I was a goddamn sight. My eyes were bloodshot from all the crying and you could see the sadness in my face, in my eyes. At that moment I thanked god I had some make up in the bathroom, I dabbed on some concealer around my eyes, but then I just settled on doing my whole face. Then I got some powder and literally caked it on my face, but don’t worry, I didn’t even look like I was wearing make up. Next I found some mascara and did my eyes. Then I groomed my hair. I looked like I had just come back from the Bring Me The Horizon bus. I breathed in a big gulp of air and walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

Notes