With Me Tonight

That night I dreamt of my dad.

Not like before... Not like I was reliving his death, but his life.

It was a memory of when I was younger, a simple one at that. Syd and I were on the swings and Jake was playing his gameboy on the play structure in our backyard. My dad took turns pushing Syd and I, each of us cheering and calling his name to push us again when he did. I was old enough to swing by myself, but I wanted him to push me. He was so much better at it...

When I woke up, my eyes felt glazed over from the old tears of last night. I blinked them open slowly, only to find myself alone in my hotel bed, covers laid over me.

I took me a moment, in my disoriented state, to remember what happened last night.

I felt like it was all a part of my dream... I felt so close to my dad again, like a weight was pulled from my chest. Like I'll be able to be with him again soon...

I slowly sit up, my eyes raw and sensitive and my body exhausted. I was so used to laying down.

"Austin?" I call out, my voice raspy. He is what first came to my mind.

I see his figure sitting on the edge of the other side of the bed, hunched over. He was tying his shoes.

He looks up when he hears me call him and smiles over at me before getting up."Hey," he says gently, walking over to me. He sits down on the open space on the bed next to me. "I was about to wake you.." He is quiet, like I'm still asleep. "We've got to head out on the road in a few.."

I stayed quiet, casting my eyes downward. I don't know what will come now. It's a road of uncertainty, but I'm sure Austin won't let me drive down it alone.

Austin looks down at me for a moment. "I'm gonna go grab some breakfast from the lobby," he brushes a piece of hair behind my ear, getting me to look up at him. His warm brown eyes bore into me. "I'm gonna bring you back some food."

I look up at him for a moment before he slowly stands from the bed. I don't want to lay here alone anymore, so I don't think before I sit up. "Wait," I call, my voice raspy. Austin looks back at me, caught a little off guard, not expecting this much out of me. "Can I come?"

Now he's really surprised.

I guess I just don't want to be alone. I'm afraid I'll get all miserable again, well, more miserable than I am.

I want to feel better, I've decided. I want to feel better about my dad, I mean, why would I want to stay like this? So I've got to try. As much as it hurts and goes against everything in my head.

He doesn't say anything as he comes back over and holds his hand out for me, his eyes slightly happy.

This time I don't hesitate to take his hand and let him help me up. Neither of us let go as I stand, my legs a little wobbly. I grip onto his hand with my clammy one and he waits for my body to wake up.
"Wait for me to get ready?" I ask him. I've got morning breath like no other.

"Of course," he smiles slightly, happy, but he's still careful with me, I can tell.

I'm still trying to be careful with myself, too.

I let go of his hand and go over to the bathroom. While brushing my teeth I look at myself in the mirror, seeing the bags under my eyes stand out past my messy hair and pale face. I look like shit, like what I'm feeling on the inside is mirrored on the outside.

After I spit out my mouthwash, I pick up my brush on the counter next to me. I look at it in my hand before starting to pull it through my hair. Maybe if I make my outside look better my inside will mirror it..

As if that has ever worked before.

I shake my head at myself, but just continue to change. Before I leave, I rub at my eyes, knowing there is nothing I can do about their puffiness.

When I come back out into the room, Austin is leaning against the doorway, looking down at his phone. When he hears me come out, he puts it away and stands up straight. He almost looks shocked that I actually look presentable, but masks it with a slight smile.

"You look good, Haze," he says lightly, reaching his hand back out for me.

I stay quiet and come over, sliding my hand back into his. His eyes meet mine for a moment before he is leading me over to the door.

When he is about to open it, I pull on his hand. "Austin," I stop him, getting him to look back at me, his eyes questioning.

He's about to ask me what's up when I use his hand for leverage and stand on my tippy toes to quickly kiss him on the cheek. He's so taken aback all he can do is look at me for a moment before breathing out a laugh through his smile.

I felt like I needed to do that, or at least I wanted to. Last night, when I kissed him, I felt better. I felt something. I have these roots that have planted themselves in Austin, and I know how dangerous that is and I know I don't want to rely on him as much as I do, but it's Austin. He's the one person it's okay for me to rely on.

"Come on," he opens the door, smiling at me. "Before breakfast is over."

We go down to the elevator and get in, staying silent as we ride down to the first floor.

My mind starts to leave me again as we get off, heading into the lobby where the food is.
There's tons of people, and I can hear the chatter of all the other bands. I feel bad at first for having not participated with them all for so long, but then I just feel bad.

When I see the food, I try to want some, but my appetite is lost again. I'm finding it really fucking hard and I'm feeling really fucking sad again the more awake and into the real world I get.

Okay. I need to stop. I've got this. I'm doing this to feel better so I've at least got to start trying.

Okay.

Austin kind of eyes me a bit as we start to go through the serve yourself buffet. I ignore him, trying to make it seem like I'm doing better. I'm sure he can see right through me, but I'm still going to try.

Austin grabs a plate, filling it up with servings of eggs, bacon, sausage, muffins, and anything else he can stuff himself with. He's always the most hungry in the morning. He even gets a bowl of Lucky Charms, too. They're his favorite.

Nothing seems that appetizing, mostly cause it's nasty hotel food, but I still get some bacon and a blueberry muffin. I grab Austin and I a milk at the end of the buffet and follow him over to a table in the lobby. He picks one away from everyone else, relieving some of the pressure in my chest.

"You good?" He asks me when we sit down. I simply nod. I'm trying to be, at least.

"They have really good sausage here," he starts, grabbing his fork. "I tried those pancakes they have out there that you have to make yourself yesterday but they tasted like rubber. And I swear it wasn't user error, I blame the government."

The edges of my lips perk up a bit at his rambling. I've forgotten how much I've missed that, how silly he can be when he gets excited over something. Almost like a kid. It made me feel better.

He starts to make a dent in his plate of food and I look around the lobby as I try to eat some of my bacon. My band isn't down here, luckily, I'm not ready to deal with that, but I see random people from most of the other bands waiting in line for the buffet.

I spot Jason sitting with Lionel across the room and can't help myself from thinking back to out conversation. Maybe believing in something will help?

But what is there for me to believe in? Am I ready to believe in something? How do I even-

"Haze," Austin said my name lightly, he must have notice I froze up and went quiet.

I look over to him and meet his eyes. "I'm okay," I whisper.

"I know," he nods, not looking away from my eyes. "I've got some extra sausage if you want some."

I should have known Austin got so much food just so he could make me eat more. Sure, he inhaled most of it down, but he knew I wouldn't take much so he got portions for me too.

I nodded, as much as I wasn't really feeling hungry, giving in. Maybe it will get my mind of things, this sausage that he claims is so good.

After we both finished up, we threw out all of our trash and left our plates in the pile with the rest.

Austin led me back over to the elevators, definitely happy with how far I've come with him today. I feel better about it too, but still feel like my heart is only halfway beating. I feel like I'm missing a part of me and I try not to think about it but it sucks.

I watched as Austin went up to push the button for the elevator, his cup of decaf that he got earlier still in his hand. He doesn't even like coffee, but he said he wanted it to keep him warm, which is fair enough. It's basically like a frozen over hell for his California body here.

I looked down at my feet, trying to not think as hard as I am, until the elevator beeps. I look up as it opens, getting ready to go inside, but only to see Izzy, Sam, and Kush start to walk out. I freeze when we make eye contact.

"Oh, Hazel," Izzy stutters, stopping in front of us.

I gulp, not knowing what to say.

I haven't preformed for what feels like so long... I just couldn't, and the worst part is I didn't want to either. I don't feel like crave for it like I used to...It's just an empty call to the band that I feel so disconnected to right now..

"It's good to see you.. How are you?" Izzy asks, her hands in her pockets.

I glance at Austin who is now closer to me, wary of this like I am.

"I'm, uh, I'm," my voice cracks so I have to clear it. "I'm okay."

"We've been meaning to talk to you, we just didn't know how you were..." She says, almost feeling guilty. They came to check on me once when we got back, but after that, I haven't seen them since. They've just been going on without me, I guess, like they didn't want to try to check on me again. It's okay though, I guess.

"Yeah," I look down awkwardly. This is hard, it's making me think again.

I hear the elevator door close, other people had gotten on. I look at Austin, feeling stuck in this situation.

"We miss you on the stage," Sammy adds in, breaking the tension. "The fans do too."

I look at him, feeling guilty.

"Are you feeling up to performing?" Kush now asks.

I feel like it's not a whole-hearted question. Like, they're fine either way. I don't think the fans even miss me that much, I think they've gotten used to this "new band" they've become without me, since I've missed so much this tour. My band is fine without me.

"I don't know," I say truthfully. I really don't know at this point.

"Think about it, okay? We seriously miss you. I think coming back might help," Izzy smiles, leaning over to squeeze me in a hug.

Sammy and Kush do the same and the next thing I know they said 'see you later' and Austin and I are alone waiting for an elevator again.

I don't know what to say or what to think, my chest just feels heavy. I feel confused, lost, and absent-mindedly follow Austin into the elevator that just opened up.

As we wait for it to close, he says my name. I'm too caught up in myself to answer.

"Haze," he calls again, coming closer to me.

I now look up to him, meeting his eyes brown with concern. "I.." I start, working through this in my head one more time before meeting Austin's gaze once more.

"I think I want to quit my band."

Notes

6 months later.... awkward..

(im so sorry! here is this! dont forget about meee!)