A/N: (JUst posted a chapter before this an hour or so ago, so read that first!!)


I went back to my room last night at the hotel everyone was staying at (they put Austin and I together for obvious reasons) and stood in the doorway, looking at the room around me for a long time. It felt so wrong, being here, but it was the only place I could be.

It was so foreign, so empty and clean, it made me feel worse. It wasn't home, but home wasn't an option for me.

That night I gave up and went to lay in my bed, sinking into the mattress.. Two days later I still haven't moved. My mind and body gave up. I couldn't do it anymore.

Austin came in multiple times, worried, stressed, and sad because he didn't know what to do for me. I slept halfway through the first day, but the rest I just laid, empty and lifeless. Everything hurt so bad and made me so sad I didn't know if I could move. And I didn't want to. There was nothing to motivate me to get out of bed, not even preforming.

I thought I was better than this. I thought I was better in general.

What happened to 'the new Hazel'?

The first night (last night) I didn't even hear Austin come back. He must have stayed through Bring Me the Horizon and hung out with everybody. I saw him passed out in the chair in the corner of the room when I woke up, steam from his shower floating in the room.

I wondered if he ever realized I wasn't there last night, or if he didn't care? I guess it's good that he's not wasting his life on me anymore, but I still felt like he stole apart of me that I had lost back at home.

I fell back asleep after that.

I practically slept through the whole next day, and when I did wake up, I just laid there. I didn't look for Austin, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.

But as I laid still, empty, and lifeless, Austin came in many times again. He rarely left the room. He tried to get me up, tried to get me to eat. He tried everything he could think of, but just grew more and more distressed when I laid there or pretended to be asleep. I wanted him to give up already, as scary as that may be..

I could see everything he felt in his eyes. So I didn't look at him.

Even Alan and Oli came into my room, seeing if I wanted to preform that night or if I wanted company. I didn't respond. It hurt to bad to think that I actually didn't want either.

Then they all had to leave to go on stage themselves and I was left completely alone in the hotel. I could feel it, so I forced myself back asleep.

Now lying here awake in the middle of the day, I'm all alone again. Thankfully, we were staying at this hotel for two days due to the two locations of sets that were nearby, so we didn't have to leave until tomorrow morning.

Maybe they'll just leave me here, let me lay alone forever.

I wish they were cruel enough to do that.

I think some of the bands went out for a late lunch and to explore, and I don't know if Austin and the Of Mice guys went with. I overheard them talking about wanting to watch the new Game of Thrones that was on last night and Tino had to "prepare."

If they didn't go, I don't know where they are. I can guess all hanging out in Alan's room or something, but I'm not sure. All I know is that they aren't here.

My thoughts are a little bit louder now, more awake because my body is as well. I can't sleep them off anymore, especially not the ones that tell me how badly I have to pee.

Slowly, I sit up from the bed for the first time in 30 hours or so. I tug at my messy hair as I look around at the room, which is separated from the living room of this suite. The door is shut and it's windowless, the only light is the glow coming in from under the crack of the door. I felt completely dark inside.

I'm slow as I move my legs off the bed and push myself up. My legs ache and my whole body feels cracked. I sway and my head pounds from the ache I have inside of me, but I still make it over to the bathroom.

After I go, I walk out and look at the bed covered in the mashed up white comforter. I can vaguely see the dent my body created in it from laying so long.

It don't want to go back in it. I have a sudden hate for that bed, like it's filled with all my shitty thoughts and feelings.

So instead I go over to the wall in between the door and the tv stand and slide down it, by butt hitting the carpet. I bring my legs up and wrap my arms around them, letting my head lean back against the wall and looking up at the ceiling fan.

It stays perfectly still, like everything else in the room. I feel the same, like my life is so still that it will never be able to change. That I'll never be able to not feel like this, or be like this.

I feel like I've been sucked into it... Into all the pain and agony.

I don't know how to get out or if I ever will be able to.

*
I hear the door shut and a pair of footsteps come in a bit later, maybe an hour, I don't know. I've lost track of time completely.

The footsteps come right over to the door and I know they are Austin's. I know exactly what Austin's footsteps sound like. He has long flipper feet that he can't help but shuffle against the floor a bit. And they aren't too loud for how long his legs are.

I can hear when he gets to the door of the room I'm in and then when they stop, but he does nothing. I wait for him, probably to come in and see if I'm hungry or if I'll talk to him this time, but it's quite and still like before. Until his feet shuffle and start walking back away.

My chest sinks in and I turn my head towards the door.

I wrap my arms tighter around myself and give up on trying to listen for him. I don't care where he's going anymore.

But then there is a scraping noise that comes from the floor next to me. I look down curiously over my shoulder to see a piece of paper lay there.

I stare at it for a moment, but then reach over to grab it.

Hey

In Austin's beautiful, messy scripture, that is all it said.

It was simple, but it made me feel less horrible. It reminds me that Austin is the only one who is understanding of me and what I'm going through right now. They simple 'hey' proved it and showed me he knew how much I hurt and how hard it is for me to talk right now. He knew that I didn't want him or all the things he wants to get out of me shoved down my throat right now.

I'm not sure what he wants me to do, though, I don't have a pen or anything..

A moment later a pen slid under the crack of the door.

I grab it, but only let it sit in my tightly squeezed palm while I look at his word to me. I don't know if I want to respond, I don't know if I'm ready, or if I want to.

But I give in and do anyway.

Hey

I write back, but my hand writing isn't nice and light and flowy like his. It's just messy as I slide it back under the door.

I can feel the moment of shock that Austin has when I give it back, for he doesn't pick it up right away, just looks at it. But when he realizes I actually responded, he snatches it and starts scribbling something down. I assume he's sitting against the wall on the other side of the door because I can hear everything he does so well.

Tino has some leftover bacon from breakfast and wants to know if you want any. I can bring you some?

I read what he passes back under the door and stare at his words again for a while. My stomach is so empty like the rest of me that it churns when I think of food. I can't think of eating, nothing sounds appetizing. Nothing sounds good anymore.

I'm okay.

I send back under, laying my head back against the wall as I wait. When I got it back there were scribbles all over it.

The guys miss you.

'The Guys' had been replaced over something that was scratched out. I looked closely and saw 'I really'.

My chest heaved a little.

I didn't send it back under as fast this time. Each word and thought was getting harder and harder. I didn't want to talk or think about what he said or what I want to say. I can't.

I'm sorry

I slide it back under, curling my legs up tighter to me. Austin quickly responded and I could even hear his pen writing on the paper.

Don't be sorry Haze

As I ran my fingers over my name that he wrote so easily and beautifully, the first thing that came to mind when I read it is that there is so many reasons to be sorry. A million reasons that crash around inside of me, making me ache from the inside out.

This is why I don't want to think.

Does my band hate me?

That's one of the reasons that I could think of quickly that I write down and send back under. I question why I'm able to have this note passing conversation with him so easily when I haven't been able to form a complete thought or word the past few days.

No, of course not. Is that why you don't want to preform?

I can't even start to explain why I don't want to because I don't even know myself. It's all just a big blur and I don't understand, but I know I just don't think I can do it.

I don't know.

I give the first truthful response of the day, and I know it's not enough for Austin. But I just can't make him understand, especially without words and on paper.

Do you want to come tonight?

Austin's trying, I think as I read his message, I'll give him that. But I don't know how to try right now.

I don't think I can..

I think this Austin understands a bit more because when he sends it back, he seems to have accepted it.

I don't want to leave you

When I get this, I can't help but think that I don't want him to leave, either. Now that I'm here, awake and having some kind of conversation with him, I just wanted him to stay and make me feel less horrible. But I know he has to go to this concert to play tonight, just like I should be.

And I also know that I can't take this conversation anymore. It's simple, but it's wearing on me. I don't want to fucking think! Every thought is painful and too heavy for me. Every thought is sad.

I don't have a response now, for I don't know what to say or how to say anything I don't want to think of.

I look down at the crack of the door that some kind of meaning has come to in the past few minutes. I see Austin's fingers peak under it, probably because he's resting some of his weight against his hand as he waits.

But since I don't have a response, all I do is place my hand gently over his.

After he has his small moment of surprise, he wraps his fingers around mine. They're warm and convey a message he could never write.

We sit like this, with the small contact, for the rest of the day.

Notes

here's another! Let me know what you guys think! THings are going to start moving along!!:) And Hazel is not doing so good? Some obvious signs of depression :(

I will probably post another chapter tonight!!