With Me Tonight

I laid in bed with Hazel, stroking her hair lightly. I was surprised she let me lay with her again tonight, but was glad she did. She needed someone, and I just wanted to be with her.

I had just woken up, not like I got much sleep last night anyway, and just laid, listening to her soft baby snores. After barely being awake for a few hours, she passed out again last night. It's not hard to see the tole everything is taking on her, she's exhausted mentally and physically.

But I think there is more than that, also.

She's shutting down. And not in ways like she has before, where she just goes into a trance and needs to be pulled out of it. No, this is different. This is more of a depression, one that will affect her long term. One that I can't let her sink into. I don't know if I can be a help, but I'm going to try with every last fiber of my being. I'll take care of her. I always do.

It felt so good to be able to take care of her like I did last night. Just knowing that I'm here and helping her is enough to make me feel okay about missing tour and my friends. She's what makes me good, even when she feels so bad.

I shift my head to lay further back on the pillow and look up at the ceiling, letting out a long sigh. Honestly, I can't wait to leave here. This house, it's all full of bad memories. There's no happiness or good vibes coming out of the walls, and I think Hazel feels the same. Sure, she probably has lots of good memories, but they're all washed out by bad now.

The atmosphere is so dull and heavy here that I feel like it drains me. There is so much sadness and I think that it will do Hazel so much better to get out and be on tour. It's even hard for me to be in here.

I turn my head and look down at the few stuffed animals that are in the corner of her bed. They look like they are watching me, it's kind of creepy, but it reminds me of when I was here over summer. I had thought the same thing then when I slept here. That night was the night everything went bad.

In this bed, the exact spot we are laying in now, we lost our baby. And because of that, we lost everything, even ourselves.

I would have never thought I'd be laying here again.

I felt a wave of sadness wash over me, but then heard the door downstairs open. Thankful to have a reason to get out of this bed that I can't stop thinking about our baby in, I carefully start to slide away from Hazel. She huffs out a breath and rolls to her other side when she feels the movement, but still stays asleep.

I stand up and stretch, reaching my hands over my head and feeling my t-shirt lift up. I let out a sigh when I release my muscles and run a few hands through my bed head before walking to the door. I try my best not to let the floor and stairs creek as I go downstairs, catching Hazel's brother taking his shoes off in the hallway.

He looks up when he sees me and sends me a nod. "Hey."

"Hey," I reach the bottom of the steps. "How's Sydney?"

"She's okay," he says gruffly, standing up straight. We both keep our voices quiet to not wake Hazel. It's still pretty early. I guess that nap we took in the middle of the day yesterday stopped me from sleeping much.

"She is a strong girl," I agree. "They both are."

Jake nods and silence follows. Neither of us really know what to say so we just look around until Jake sighs and nods his head towards the kitchen, indicating me to follow him. I do and we both go to sit at the kitchen table.

"I have to head back tonight," he gets straight to the point after a small moment of silence.
I nod, already aware. "I told Hazel you'd be here in the morning to talk to her."

"How is she?" He looks up to me to ask. His emotions are slightly more vulnerable when he talks about his sisters, but even now, he's still straight faced.

I sigh and lean back in my chair a bit. I'm careful with how I speak. "She's exhausted, slept nearly the whole day after we got back yesterday and then went right back to sleep for the night. It's been hard for her to do anything else.."

Jake simply nodded, his expression blank, but I'm sure his mind wasn't. This was Hazel, after all.

There was a lingering moment of silence where both Jake and I looked down at the table. I know he has to leave later and this is probably our last chance together to actually talk about Hazel alone.

"I've never seen her before like I have with you," Jake clears his throat. "I've never seen her be so open and so trusting. I've never seen her listen to someone like she does you... Hell, I don't think she's ever listened to anyone."

He wasn't looking at me, but I was looking right at him. His words had all of my attention and interest. His approval was really important to me and I'm not sure why because it wouldn't matter anyway..

"And after that... filth she used to be married to," His jaw clenched. Mine did as well at the thought of Mark. Filth... he is right. "I thought that no one could take care of her and support her and love her like my dad and I could... No other guy or girl or whatever was going to treat her right," he rubs his hand over his chin and sighs. "But then I saw you with her... I don't know what you guys are or what you were, but I see the way you look at each other. You guys have something, something that I've never seen Hazel have with anyone."

I watched as he shook his head slightly and pointed his finger out. I'm not sure what he's getting at, but I hear everything he's saying loud and clear.

He takes a moment to rub the stubble on his chin and look across the room, out the window. His jaw clenches slightly and I can tell he is thinking about something intensely.

"I'm trusting you," he says roughly, finally turning to look at me. "You get that? I'm trusting you with whatever bit of trust I have left in me to watch out for my little sister and treat her like she should be," his voice was gruff to cover up his emotion towards leaving her again. He was demanding with his words but I know he just wants to know Hazel is and will be safe.

"You can trust me," I say as strongly back as I can.

"You're in her life now. You make sure she's okay, happy... You take care of her. You don't let anything hurt her. And if you hurt her in any way I will-"

"You can trust me." I cut off his harsh voice with my sturdy, reassuring one. He closes his mouth and looks at me. "I love her," I admit simply, getting Jake's face to soften slightly around the eyes.

After sitting in silence for a moment, Jake stands up, pushing his chair back as he does. He looks down at me and holds his hand out, his posture sturdy.

I stand up to now and accept the gesture, putting my hand in his to shake. Except after that each of us lean in the pat the other on the back in a sort-of hug.

"You're a good guy," Jake says as well pull away. He still holds my hand in his grip. "Thank you."

I nod and shake his hand one more time, his other hand coming to cup the back of mine for a more thorough shake. "My pleasure," I say back, lighter now.

He nods to me and we release hands.

"When do you leave?" I ask, carrying on lighter conversation.

"I have to be at the airport in a couple of hours. I'm all packed and ready so I can spend the rest of my time here with Hazel," he says and I nod in understanding.

"She's upstairs," I nod my head towards the stairs. "I'll be down here."

Jake nods towards me to show he heard me, but he caught my eye while he did and I could see the thank you in it. I watched as he turned and went up the stairs before leaning against the table and rubbing my hands over my face. All I thought of was Hazel.

I ended up pulling out my phone from my pocket and unlocking it. I ignored most of my notifications and went to Alan's contact. I typed up a quick message.

Me: Hazel and I are coming back.. Maybe we'll make the show tonight...

------

I spent the time downstairs packing up myself, going through the freezer and fridge for anything that might go bad while the house is empty, laying on the couch, watching TV, and catching back up with the fans on twitter.

It felt a little weird doing all these normal things, especially lounging. It felt sort of wrong with everything that's been going on, but it still felt good to relax.

Currently, I scrolled through twitter. I was updating the fans on my absence and that I would be coming back and how terribly sorry I was. I attempted to make up for it by responding to a lot of the people that said they missed me there, but I know that can't really do much.

Some fans were understanding, and some were... well, not. I looked through the replies on one of my posts, seconding this.

"What a stunt @OMandM... show up with out your lead singer.. What the fuck. #upset"
"Refund @OMandM."

"Of Mice and Men should just leave the tour if they are going to get my hopes up like this."

"This tour is epic bullshit. Two bands without their lead singers. #TheAmericanDreamTour."

"Tonight I thoroughly enjoyed the headlining band Bring Me The Horizon. Yes, that's right. Only one headliner because I don't recognize @OMandM as a band anymore. Not with out Austin."

That one pissed me off because for Gods sake, I'm not the only one in the band. This isn't Of Mice and Austin. I kept scrolling. I felt absolutely terrible the more horrible replies I read through. Even though it was only a few out of the many shows, ppeople were angry.
I ended up skipping over those, because fans just need to understand. Stuff like this happens. I'm not magic, I can't transport, and I don't have clones. I'm just a person and I can't just put Hazel or her passed father on hold. All I can do is apologize and try to make it up to them.

It was good to know that a big majority of fans were understanding. They accepted my apology and actually realized that this wasn't their only chance to see Of Mice and Men live. They were the true fans. And then of course there are the fans that really just enjoy good band gossip. There was a huge buzz on if Hazel and I got back together. All of the fans really ate up any news on band members in relationships.

"Hazel and Austin missing at the same time?! Hm... I wonder."

"Austin and Hazel are probably just off on an island kissing and making babies because they are in love #goals"

"#AmericanDreamTour more like #TeamHazetin !!!"

"Really happy that Austin is happy with Hazel, but will literally be so heartbroken if they are back together :("

At this point, I decided I went through enough for now. There's only so much I can take of negativity and gossip. The positive stuff, sure, that's cool... But the other stuff is a bit much... And a tad obnoxious. I like to stay as positive as I can on here at least.

I sigh loudly and click the off button on my phone, putting it down on my stomach. I can't wait to get back on tour and preform. Also a nice bed and warm shower and a good sleep would be really good right now. I feel like my schedule is all out of order from being here with Hazel and sleeping at random times and being stressed and sad. I'm sure I will get back on track fast enough, though.

Hazel on the other hand..

I brush the thought away when I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I shoot up from the couch and stand, starting to walk into the kitchen. Hazel's brother walks in and he doesn't look too hot. I can't imagine how difficult that goodbye must have been for them. I don't want to imagine.

He doesn't say anything as he reaches his hand out for me again. I take it and we share a firm handshake, looking at each other in the eyes as we do. He has a sturdy look, a thank you for everything, you're a good man type of look. We both nod at each other.

He lets go of my hand and turns, walking back out of the kitchen and down the foyer to the doorway. He has one small backpack sitting at the bottom of the stairs that he grabs, I assume the rest are already in the car.

"Do you need a ride to the airport or something?" I ask, trailing behind him. There's a sadness in the air, traveling from upstairs and all around us.

He sends an appreciative smile but shakes his head. "I go off to a special station, I'll drop the rental off there. Maybe get some time alone.." he says and then looks back up the stairs. "Hazel doesn't need another goodbye," his voice is now softer. I nod, understanding that if I gave him a ride to the airport Hazel would come and then have to say goodbye to him again. It's over with already.

"Okay," I nod. We're both quiet for a minute. It's a weird goodbye between a brother of an ex and the ex/not really ex.

"I'm glad I got to meet you, Austin," Jake says simply.

"Me as well," I say.

Jake puts his hand on the door nob and twists it open. "Take care of her?" He signals up the stairs.

"Of course," I state, getting him to nod and open the door, stepping one foot out.
"I'll see you around," he says before he steps outside and shuts the door behind him.

I look at the door for a minute, feeling a quietness without him here. He is a good guy, a really good guy. I feel kind of bad that we aren't driving him back to where ever he needs to go, but he sounded like he didn't want us to. He wanted time alone, I can respect that.

When I hear the car through the door start up and start to drive away, something clicks in my head. Hazel.

I spin and start my jog upstairs, going straight over to her room. I don't know how I'd be able to say goodbye to one of my siblings that I just got to see, especially after our father died. Especially when I'd be sending him back to the military.

God, this sucks so bad for Hazel.

I quickly go over to her room to check on her. The door is wide open and I can easily see her from down the hall. She stands over by her window, looking out of it with her arms wrapped around herself.

I slow down when I get closer, coming over carefully to her. My feet make the floor squeak, so I know she knows I'm here. I know she won't be startled, but she doesn't acknowledge my presence either. She just stands and looks out the window.

I stand behind her and look at what she is looking at. It's a perfect view to watch her brother get in the car and then drive away. Her head follows his car as it does down the road, past her window. She watches it until she absolutely can't see it anymore. I notice silent tears under her eyes.

"He'll be okay," I say from behind her, my voice reassuring. She blinks a few times after I speak.

I know she worries about him in more ways than one, and even though that's not the only reason why she's upset about him going, it's one that I can try to comfort her on.

Hazel nods and squeezes her eyes shut before she turns to face me. She looks right at me and brings her hand up to wipe the tears from under her eyes. She takes in a big breath before speaking.

"Let's get out of here."

Notes

I've had this chapter written for like a month!! Ah! My dumb computer stopped working and this website kept shutting down!! So I'm super sorry for how long it's been! I don't even remember how cheesy and lame this chapter is:)

I'll be posting probably two more tonight I think! Then I'll try to update faster, haha!:)

I hope you guys enjoy!! How have you all been??