I saw him.

I saw him playing catch with us when we were little, I saw him push us on the swings, laughing.

I saw him carrying me around on his shoulders when I was little, I saw him kissing my little cuts when I fell.

But then it changed.

I saw him walk across the small, plain-walled room, passing the single person bed. I saw him tug on his hair, mumbling responses to people that I couldn't see.

I heard his mumbles get louder and louder and soon they turned to yells. His pacing turned into a run, slamming from wall to wall, banging his head on it.

I saw his hands in fists in his hair, yanking the small strands out of his scalp.
He was out of it. He was gone.

I saw him slamming his head back against the wall. I saw him punching the walls, kicking his bed, throwing the small amount of things he had. Yelling, screaming, mumbling, huffing.
Then I saw him crack.

I saw the string holding him together; the string he was hanging onto, break. I saw the fibers slowly untangle and get stretched out so far that it broke. No more leverage to hold onto.

When I realized what I was seeing, what he was doing, I screamed. On the top of my lungs I screamed at him. I stood in the corner of the room, not being able to move a muscle. But I fought.

All my screams, begs, pleads, cries fell silent, not making it out of my lungs. I trying to reach out for him, give him the helping hand like I always did, but I couldn't. I couldn't.

All I could to was watch.


A hysterical scream ripped it's way violently out of my throat as I shot up in bed. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute and I was sobbing... wailing as screams came out of me from my dream... from what I saw.

The type of wails that our so loud they can be mistaken for screams, so heavy and intense that I fell silent just for a second because I could not breathe. It was like when an infant cries and they have no restraints because any amount of sadness to them is the pitiful end. The cries were shaky and tears poured out of my eyes like a waterfall, my heart trying to beat off the pain.

Footsteps roared through the house and up the stairs like thunder. My sobs were the downpour, and the dream was the lightning in which I was struck by.
I saw my father. My own mind put me through the agony of what I pictured his death to be like.

Nearly bursting down the door, only one pair of footsteps flew into my room while the others stayed back. I sat hunched over, not looking up at them as I felt hands on me, my body racked with sobs. The hands quickly cupped my face to get me to move my head up, then lifted my arms up so they could look me over to make sure I was okay and not injured like I sounded.

But I was injured. Something inside me hurt like the worst pain I'll ever feel and my mind was going insane at what I dreamt. I cried loudly still as the hands pulled me into them, wrapping their arms so protectively around me that I felt I was being shielded from bullets and bombs.
But all of that was inside of me, exploding and creating mass pain. I was in so much pain, so much sadness. I couldn't control it because my daddy is dead and died in the worst way possible. And I saw it. I lived through it and I couldn't help him. I couldn't help!

My protector supported my head with one hand behind it and the other on my side as I was held close to him. He was on the bed with me, not rocking, not trying to calm me, but just holding me tightly like he was literally holding parts of me together, like if he didn't I'd fall apart or the bullets he was shielding me from would pierce my skin.

I was buried into him, still wailing. I couldn't think straight, I could just cry and accept the protection.

I know who my protector is, I always have. And I know that without him, maybe I'd want to get hit by the bullets.


Austin's p.o.v

"Is Haze still asleep?" Alan asks as he yawns, stretching his arms above his head before plopping down in the seat next to me.

I nod, resting my head on my hand as I leaned against the kitchen table. Everyone was starting to wake up and just hang out, but I had been up for a little while, sitting here and wanting to go see Hazel the whole time. I want to go check on her, but don't want to risk waking her up.

"You know what we should do," Alan sits up with excitement when an idea pops in his head. "We should all make Hazel breakfast! How could a nice, big breakfast not make anyone feel better? Especially Haze! It's like her favorite meal."

He's smiling and excited and I blow out a laugh, smiling a little. "French toast and bacon," I say, nodding in agreement. That's Hazel's favorite, as I remember. I think of all the times she's talked about it, and even the few I've made for her. She'd always get very excited over it. It was adorable.

"Yeah! And you wouldn't believe it, man, she actually likes eggs now," he points out and I laugh a stale laugh, my mind frozen on what he said. Haze never liked eggs...

Now I'm reminded of how much she's changed, how much I've missed... How much I don't know about her. And Alan does. He got to spend the time with her that I wish I had, he got to know her and help her like I should've.

"French toast, bacon, and eggs it is." I state and Alan drums on the table before jumping up from his seat.

"Everybody up, I have an announcement!" Alan calls out to everyone.

"Alright, mate," Oli laughs. "No need to yell."

"There's no shutting Alan up when he has an announcement," Tino points out as he chuckles.

"Woah, hey," Alan laughs in fake offense.

"What's your announcement?" Sammy asks from the couch, getting to the point.

"We're making Hazel breakfast. French toast, bacon, and eggs... To try and make her feel better," he says. Everyone instantly agrees, thinking it's a good idea.

"She'll like that," Izzy smiles warmly.

"I'm all for it!" Tino stands up. "Using a nice kitchen and making homemade breakfast? I should have brought my apron," he grins.

I laugh at him as I stand up from my seat and head over to the fridge, making sure there is still enough stuff. I went out to buy Hazel some food the other day, and luckily I thought ahead to what she might want for breakfast.

I pulled out all the stuff we'd need and started stacking it up on the counter while everyone got up and came over. It didn't take long until everyone had their own job, all of us wanting to do something nice for Hazel. She was in everyone's heart.

As I started to make the bacon, knowing how Hazel likes it extra crispy, Alan comes over and leans against the counter next to me. "So what's the plan?" He asks. "After this?"

I glance at everyone else, noticing they are all in their own conversations and laughing amongst themselves before looking back to Alan. "Today is the Mass and the burial," I state, taking a break from the bacon to lean on the counter, too. I pause and look down at my feet, thinking about how that's going to go. "I don't want to leave her. I wont."

Alan is silent for a moment and I can feel him looking at me so I glance up at him. His eyes seem happy at what I said, or like he's been waiting for me to say that or something.

Alan clears his throat after a second, looking away. "You're right. She shouldn't be alone."

I nod.

"Everyone is planning to leave after breakfast, to get back on the road. We've got a show tonight," Alan adds. I sigh, absolutely hating the fact that I might have to miss another show. I feel terrible for doing that to my fans.

"I hate missing shows... Doing that to the fans," I run my hands over my face.

"Well, maybe Hazel will be ready to come back today? Maybe she won't want to stay here any longer?" He offers and has a point, but I have no clue what Hazel is feeling about staying here or not. I don't want to pressure her into leaving, that's for sure.

"We'll have to see how she feels," I say and Alan nods in agreement.

That's pretty much the end of the conversation, so he pushes himself away from the counter, about to walk back over to the eggs he was making before he stopped himself and turned to me. "I can't tell you how glad I am you two are like this again," he says.

I quickly look up at him. "Like what?"

He smirks. "You know what. And I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to say I told you so."

His words hit me and start to make me think, but I still squint my eyes at him. "You haven't set it yet."

"It's almost to the time that I will," he smirks again before heading back over to the eggs, leaving me standing there. What exactly did he mean by that? What is the time that he will?

I huff and stand up straight to start working on the bacon again. I grab the tongs, about to start putting pieces on the pan when a loud scream echoes through the house and makes me jump, dropping them back onto the counter.

I quickly look at everyone else to see if it came from one of them, but they are all just looking around with the same wide eyes.

Another scream continues and I immediately think of Hazel, not wasting a second after that to start running to the staircase. Everyone follows, Matt K. even grabbing the whisk he was using for a weapon because it sounds like someone is getting murdered.

My feet carry me up the stairs faster than my mind can recognize because I'm so desperate to get to Hazel. Worry is every feature I have and I run straight over to her room, shoving open the door.

She sits up in her bed, her hands wrapped around herself as she wails. I quickly make my way over to her, sitting next to her and immediately trying to get her to look up at me. Instinct makes me check her face over, then lift her arms up to make sure she's not hurt, wether it be from someone else or herself...

When everything seems okay, I don't hesitate to bring her into me. I don't know if she even recognized it was me, or if she's even awake, but I still hold her for dear life like I had been wanting to for so long. It breaks my heart to know that it had to be this, her dad dying, for us to reconnect somehow. I wish he could have lived and we could have figured out some way to work things out.

I don't try to rock her or calm her like I would have, because there's something different about the way she cries and screams now. It's not like the other times so I hold her like I never have before, hoping she can feel me here and trying to make her feel okay.

My heart is beating fast as I hold her. She scared the shit out of me.

I glance back at everyone else, seeing that everyone is standing in her doorway with saddened faces. I think they can all feel her pain, especially Izzy who has a hand over her mouth and is leaning against Kush. Matt Kean slowly lowers the whisk that he had up for a weapon next to Izzy right before Hazel's brother pushes his way through to see what is wrong with his sister.

He freezes when he sees us, and when he meets my eyes for a brief moment, he simply nods, letting me know he accepts that I'm the one holding her right now.

I turn back to Hazel who still scream-cries into my shirt. I want to make it go away, but I can't.

Eventually, her cries seem to slow, and then all at once, they stop. I peek down and slowly move her in my arms, seeing that she is fast asleep. Was she asleep the whole time?

Gently, I stand up and lay Hazel carefully back down onto her pillow, her swollen eyes peacefully closed.

"Is she okay?" Her brother comes over to me and asks. I let Hazel go and stand up straight, looking at him. He has a look of horror and worry, masked by utter sadness on his face, making me feel his pain.

I nod. "She must have been dreaming or something."

"She always used to get really bad nightmares when she was upset," Jake states, looking down at her. "She was young then, but..." he trails off and it falls silent.

"Uhm," Oli perks up from the doorway. "We'll go finish breakfast now, yeah?" He looks to everybody, wanting to give Hazel privacy.

Everybody agrees and Oli sends me a nod before they all head back downstairs. Alan is the only one that stays. His face is covered in obvious sadness for our girl.

"Maybe we should wake her up?" He offers. "If she's dreaming it's not a good one."

"Its probably best," Jake agrees. "You've got her?"

I'm shocked to see that he's looking at me, asking me. I wasn't sure if he accepted me in any way last night... but now he's okay with me taking care of her? He trusts me? What's changed?

"Y-Yeah," I stutter, still a little surprised. "Of course."

"Okay," he nods. "I've gotta' go start packing."

"Packing?" Alan asks. I look down, knowing that Jake has to leave today. When I managed to get him to come, I knew it wouldn't be for long.

"I've got to head back after the service today," Jake states.

Alan looks at me and I know he's thinking the same thing I am... Hazel doesn't need to say goodbye to him too, but she has to. She's not going to handle it well.

With a sigh, Jake walks out of the room, leaving Alan and I, but since we both know that we are thinking the same thing, there is nothing to say. "I'll go finish the eggs," he says and I nod, watching him leave before turning to look down at Hazel.

I sigh and crouch down onto my knees on the floor beside her head. I reach my hand up and lightly brush some of the hair in her face away, glad I can be here for her like this, but wishing it didn't have to be this way. I can't even feel happy that I'm here, holding her and touching her again like I always wanted to because she's suffering so much.

"Haze," I say quietly down to her, trying to wake her up as easily as I can. I don't want to startle her.

I brush more of her hair back, getting her to stir slightly. "Haze, wake up," I whisper.

She snuggles closer into my hand that rest on the side of her face, holding her bear tight to her chest now. "Haze," I repeat once more and since her sleep was so disruptive tonight, it was enough for her to start to wake up.

Her eyes blinked open and they were immediately on me. I was surprised when a smile perked up her lips at me and her eyes sparkled a light I thought I'd never see again. And that light was set right on me. It made a smile start to come upon my lips, too.

My heart skipped a beat as her hand reached out to rest on my arm and she sighed in content. "Austin," she breathed in a happy murmur before her eyes fell closed again. My heart thumped in a funky way from that, feeling lost in what just happened. In that one moment I felt as if everything was forgotten and we were back in the place we were this summer. Happy and free and not this. But she wasn't even fully awake.

Wondering what that was all about, I tried to wake her up once again. I wanted her to wake up like she just did.

"Hazel," I repeated once more, a little more sternly. "Wake up."

The smile slowly started to fade from her face as she became more and more awake, before it completely disappeared and her eyes were wide open. They didn't hold that sparkle they did a minute ago and she definitely wasn't smiling at me anymore. I wish we could have both gotten lost in that moment. I wish she could wake up into whatever world she just did, not this one.

She looked at me again, but this time her eyes were dull and she looked completely unhappy compared to what she just was a second ago. She looked unimpressed that I was here, unlike how she just reacted.

"I had a dream I was waking up next to you," she said, her voice bland. I couldn't think of anything to respond, I just stared at her. "We were on the bus, it was over summer."

I watched her and she watched me, but nothing was said for a while. "Do you wish things were still like that?" I ask suddenlt, unsure of why I did. But I'm unsure of why she told me of her dream, too.

She looks away from me and it seems as if she was almost blushing, but I'm probably wrong. She doesn't answer me and sits up in her bed, looking down at her lap. "I should get ready for today," she says and starts to get out of bed.

I stand up and look at her, noticing she's wearing my Slipknot shirt. I want to smile, but pretend I don't notice. "Okay," I say. "We have a surprise for you downstairs, but Hazel?" She turns to look at me. "Do you remember what happened this morning?"

She looked at me, confused. "What?"

I couldn't lie to her, so I tried to word it in an easy way. "You had a bad dream..."

"I don't remember... What happened?" She admits, seeming confused.

It was surprising to hear that she doesn't remember at all, but I guess that's a good thing.. I decide not to stress her with what happened by telling her. I'm not lying to her, I'm just not telling her everything and that's one hundred percent for her own good.

"Nothing," I shake it off. "You just seemed like you were having a bad dream, that's all."

She nods and looks down at her hands, playing with her fingers. I feel like a small amount of awkwardness has risen between us. Or maybe it's just me? After that moment and this morning...

Feeling like I'm hovering too much, I sigh slightly and start to walk to the door. There was nothing else I could say, even if I wanted to. Not yet.

"Austin?" Hazel calls and I quickly come to a stop and turn to look at her. "Are you..." She looks down at her feet again, shying away. "Are you leaving with them all today?"

I look at her as she refuses to meet my gaze, sensing how vulnerable she feels. I know she hates feeling like that, it makes her think she's weak, so I try my best to not make it that way.

I turn my body to face her again, looking at her and waiting for her to look in my eyes. "I told you I'd never leave you again, Hazel," I say, barely above a whisper. This gets her to look up at me, her eyes sad. "And I plan on keeping that promise."

Now Hazel can't take her eyes from me and I don't move mine from hers, searching to find that sparkle I did this morning. I know it has to be in there somewhere.

Hazel must have felt me searching, because she breaks away to look down at her feet. She nods slightly, but then stays quiet. "I'm going to get ready," she looks to her dresser after a few moments.

"Okay," I nod, watching her and not liking how she's trying to put everything in her head away. "I'll be downstairs. Come down when you're ready."

She nods and I send a small, sort of smile before walking out, feeling her eyes on me the whole time. As I go down the stairs, I sigh, my head all over the place with everything.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Notes

Here you guys go:) Let me know what you think! And how have you all been!

I'm sorry to have been gone, but happy to be back! :)