[A/N SMUT AND TRIGGER WARNING!!!]

Amelia's POV

It's been two days since the funeral and two days since Jaime caught me with the blade but he hasn't said a word. He said he wouldn't let it go this time but he hasn't brought it up again even once and I'm getting more and more nervous with every hour that passes. Honestly I would be happy if he just got it over and done with rather than leaving me to fester with worry. Is he going to bring it up at all? Will it be before we leave tomorrow or will he wait until we get back to America? God I wish he would just get it over and done with!

I rolled off the lounge room couch and place the book I was reading on the table. A shiver runs through my body, I hadn't realised how cold it was... I had really gotten used to the constant heat of San Diego and the sudden shift back into a snow covered climate was really taking it's toll on me. I shuffle back to my bedroom seeking the warmth of my blankets.

When I make my way into my room I find Jaime sitting on the floor flicking through some of my old art books with a goofy grin on his face.

"Jaime no!" I whine moving towards him. He looks up at me with a smirk and when I move to take the art book from him he moves it just out of my reach.

"Problem?" He asks slyly

"Please? They're really old and crappy!"

"They're good!"

"You're joking"

"Okay they aren't as good as the ones you make now but they're still a hundred times better than what I can do."

"Still, Jaime please?"

"No I don't think I will"

"Jaime" I whine again just making him chuckle.

"You're so cute when you're frustrated"

"And you're horrible" I grumble finally giving up.

"Aww Mil, you know you love me" he said putting my art book on my bedside table and moving to wrap his arms around my waist.

"Nope, you're horrible" I say turning away from him. He pulls me closer to him and kisses my neck. I subconsciously tilt my head to give him further access.

"See?" He mumbles against my skin. I turn to face him and kiss him before mumbling against his lips.

"I hate you"

"It really doesn't seem that way" his hands travelled over my body, finding their way underneath my shirt. He lifts it gently over my head and then trails a line of kisses down my jaw, over my collar bones before teasing me along the edging of my bra. "You sure you hate me?"

He gently traces his fingers along the lacy edgings where his lips were a moment ago and leave behind a trail of goosebumps. "God I hate you!" I mumble causing him to chuckle again. He reaches around me and releases my beasts from the fabric that held them. He gently pushes me back onto the bed and places his body over my own.

"Say you love me" he mumbled against my skin.

"I hate you" I say trying to hold back a moan. He just smirks up at me before latching onto my right breast while his hand massaged my left. I twine my fingers through his hair and my back arches to meet his mouth which suddenly detached itself from me.

"Say you love me" he said again, looking me dead in the eye. I couldn't form words but I managed to shake my head at him.

A new smirk forms on his face and he looks determined. He tugs down my pants pulling my underwear with them and pauses for a moment just looking at me. I feel self-conscious under his gaze but he just smiles softly at me before returning to his place above me. He kisses me gently, filling me with his love and trailed his hand down in between my legs. Teasing me, running his fingers so close but never quite going where I craved.

"Jaime... Please..." I beg.

"Tell me you love me"

I nod, finally admitting defeat. He didn't seem completely satisfied but he complied. He ran his fingers over me before thrusting them inside of me. I moan at the feeling it provides and my hips buck up slightly. He grins at my reaction and begins to move them in and out of me, occasionally pulling them out to rub over me.

"Jaime- I- I need you"

"Say you love me"

"Jaime" I beg

"Say it"

"I love you" I almost whine. He grins triumphantly and pulls his fingers away from me. I whine at the loss of contact and he just laughs at my neediness. He pulls his shirt over his head and yanks off his pants before he crawls back onto the bed and hovers over me. I pull his lips down to meet mine and kiss him tenderly causing him to smile against my own and kisses me back roughly. He runs his hands over my body and down between my legs once again before lining himself up with my entrance and pushing himself slowly into me, a moan forcing itself through my lips.

He moves slowly at first but soon picks up his pace, thrusting in and out of me making me moan over and over. It wasn't long until I could feel the heat in my abdomen rise and I knew I was close. Jaime knew it to and picked up his pace once again.

The heat in my lower abdomen soon became too much for me to hold onto any longer and I came in a fit of moans. Me being sent over the edge seemed to bring Jaime closer as well as his thrust became sloppy and soon he was cumming inside of me. He rode out his high before collapsing on me burying his face in my neck. After we had both caught our breath he pulled himself out of me and rolled off onto the bed beside me. He sighed contently before pulling me closer to his side.

"I love you Amelia" he whispered into my hair.

"I love you to Jaime"

He runs his fingers softly up and down my side, tracing the lines of my tattoo almost absent mindlessly. Inevitably they make their way down and gently caress my scars and his eyes turn sad. I sigh, knowing exactly what was coming.

"Milly, we need to talk about it..." He said softly, obviously sensing my reluctance.

"I know"

"Will you tell me?"

I take a deep breath before answering. "What would you like to know?"

He didn't answer straight away, it seemed as though he was trying to think of a good place to start. "What made you start?"

"It wasn't one thing in particular, more of a build-up and one day everything just became too much. I got really mad and I didn't know how to get rid of the anger and surge of feelings and I dunno, I just grabbed the nearest sharp object and dug it into my thigh. I didn't realise what I was doing right away and when I did I freaked out. I didn't want people to see, I didn't want to be thought of that way"

"What things caused the build up?" He asked, voice wavering slightly. I don't think he really wants to know these things...

"People mostly. I never really fitted in. I preferred to be alone; I had piercings and listened to 'devils music'. People just seemed to find everything different about me and shove it in my face"

"I'm so sorry. People are horrible"

"It's okay. It's better now, I got away from them"

"But- but just before I met you, you still had scars and people were worried that you were going to-" he stopped suddenly.

"That I was going to kill myself? Honestly I was" his eyes filled with horror and I felt my heart breaking. He hates me now... He doesn't want to be with someone like me. Now he knows how crazy I am he's going I leave me. I should have kept my mouth shut! I should never have said anything!

"Please don't. No matter what happens please don't. I couldn't live knowing you weren't here anymore" wait what? "I couldn't live without you Mil, never leave me okay?"

"You don't think I'm crazy?"

"What? No! I'm just worried! And I hate the thought that if you had I wouldn't be here with you right now"

"Thank you" we were diligent for a while but I knew from the look in his eyes that he still had questions.

"Milly?" He asked hesitantly.

"Mmm?"

"You said things were better, that you got away from all that... Why did you want to kill yourself?"

I paused, not knowing what to say. How to explain the hollow feeling that makes you feel like nothing.

"I don't know, I just- I felt worthless, empty. There just wasn't anything that really made me happy and I was sick and tired of waking up every day to the hollow feeling in my heart and the thoughts that my life would always be so slow, sad and meaningless. There just wasn't anything for me to live for and I wanted to escape the constant thoughts weighing me down and the emptiness that I felt. Anything is better than that which is why I turned to the blade so much. The pain gave me something to feel, it reminded me that I wasn't completely void of feeling, that there was still some of me left inside somewhere. But the pain wasn't enough, I needed more feeling than pain, but I couldn't find anything. So I just wanted it to be over. To be rid of the emptiness and the pain and just feel free I guess." I was crying now, not sobbing like I had so much over the past few days, just slow tears falling down my cheeks.

Jaime pulled me into his arms tightly and stroked my hair soothingly as I cried. "I'm sorry you had to feel that way... No one should ever feel like that. I wish I could have been there to help you..."

"You did. You showed up and gave me happiness. You showed me that there is more to life than pain and emptiness. You showed me happiness and love and excitement. Things I hadn't felt in years and thing I thought I would never feel again."

"I'm glad I could give you something"

"You gave me everything" I looked deep into his eyes and all I could see in them was love. There was no better sight than someone looking at you with love in their eyes. Knowing that they care about you, knowing that they would miss you if you were gone. That look in his eye was more than enough incentive for me to try and stay alive for as long as I could so I could continue to bask in his love. Nothing would make me happier than to be held in his loving gaze for the rest of my life. Nothing at all.

Notes

so I figured that a little smut would make up for the hopless updating skills I have :) Please enjoy it as it makes me uncomfortable to write so you better consider yourselves lucky that I did it for you :D

Love you all!!
xox