Forgive Me- Part 2

Amelia’s POV

When we arrive at mum’s house the sun has long since set and I jump straight out of the car, leaving my bags and run straight into the house. The dogs began to bark the second I pushed open the always unlocked front door. I drop to my knees and happily accept their over excited welcome. Toby jumping straight up, placing his paws on my shoulder and licking my face like crazy. His tail was wagging so hard it almost seemed as though it would make him take off in flight. Oh my poor baby.

“I missed you too Tubs!! Yes I did!” I cooed to him, rubbing my hands up and down his back. Through jealousy of the attention I was giving Toby, the remaining five dogs jumped onto me, causing me to fall back and erupt into a fit of giggles. They all tried to lick my face and get my attention and I am getting over whelmed. “Stop!” I manage to say through another fit of laughter but the dogs pay me no heed. I hear laughs coming somewhere from my feet and I manage to quint through one eye to see Eliza and Mum standing there laughing at the scene before them.

“Help me” I beg them and they just shake their heads and continue to laugh. Their laughter was soon joined by Jaime and Jason who had brought in the bags. “You’re all horrible” I whined trying to stand up through the swarm of dogs and failing miserably. A hand reaches through the mass of animals and helps to lift me from the ground. I smile a grateful smile up at Jaime who was still struggling to contain his laughter.

“Better?” he asked smirking

“Much… took you long enough though” I grumbled trying to actually seem upset by it but I didn’t fool him, he just laughed again and ruffled my hair making me scowl at him. I look away from him to my mum and sister and then rush over to them, immediately engulfed by their arms.

“You are still exactly the same” Mum sighed into my hair but it wasn’t a sad sigh. If I’m completely honest she sounded relieved.

“Of course I am. Nothing could change who I am”

“Nothing makes me happier. I would hate it if you changed; I always need you to be my baby girl”

“And I always will be”

“Mum” Eliza whined “Stop hogging her! I haven’t seen her in just as long as you!” she weaselled her way between Mum and I and wraps me tightly in a hug.

“I missed you Liz” I say to her.

“I missed you too mil, I’m glad you’re okay, even if you’re half of you previous weight…”

“I know, I’m getting better though, Jaime’s helping me.”

“I’m glad you have him. He’s so good for you.”

“I know, I don’t know what I’d do without him” I admit. We were speaking quietly so no one could hear what we were saying, mainly in my case not to worry Mum about how bad I got. She always worries so much about my diet. She almost didn’t let me move out because she didn’t think I would be able to take care of myself. God, if she knew how bad I got she would never shut up about me coming home so she can look after me.

“I really need to go thank that man” Eliza said quickly, detaching herself from me and throwing herself at Jaime who almost fell over in shock. I see her say something to him and his expression softens and her wraps her into a hug. I don’t think anything makes me happier than seeing how well Jaime gets along with my family. Even though I had told him all that time ago that it wouldn’t matter I know that it would have almost destroyed me if they didn’t approve of him. Luckily however, he fitted in with them perfectly, maybe even better than I do.

After we had said our welcomes and settled into my old room it was time for reality to come crashing back down. Mum brought us out to the living room to go through the details of the funeral. I knew we had to but I was doing just fine pretending that Dad was really just still overseas, that he would still one day come home and I wasn’t ready for my wall to come crashing down quite yet. But we all have to face reality eventually.

“Mil, could you- could you read?” Mum asked shakily.

“What do I have to read?”

“Um, well, all the actual scripture parts have already been set out, but I was hoping you would say something for him…”

“But what would I say?” I ask with my voice shaking “How am I supposed to stand up there talking about him as if everything fine?”

“Mil-“

“No! I can’t do that Mum! It’s NOT fine!” Jaime grabbed my hand and wrapped an around me soothingly. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, she’s feeling just as bad as I am right now, worse even, he was the love of her life and now he’s gone. I at least was used to being alone. Mum can’t do that, she can’t be alone. She broke piece by piece every time he was sent overseas. Now that he’s gone forever I have no idea how she can even be standing here in front of me. “I’m sorry, I just- I- what am I supposed to say? He’s my Dad, I love him and he’s gone. What else can I say?”

“Why don’t you just read the letter you wrote? It doesn’t need to be to the people at the service, you could just be speaking to him?” Jaime suggested softly.

“You wrote him a letter?” Mum asked and I nodded.

“It’s nothing special, just memories, how much I wished he didn’t have to leave, how much I’ll miss him…”

“That would be perfect” Mum said with a small smile forming on her lips. It wasn’t happy though, not at all, I doubt she could smile a pure, happy smile at all right now. I nod at her again. I wasn’t sure how I felt about everyone who would be there hearing what I wrote to him but it’s for Dad. That’s what all this is for. It’s all for Dad.


*** DAY OF THE FUNERAL***

I’m dressed, my makeup is done, my hair is falling in soft curls around my shoulders, my letter grasped tightly in my hand but all I can do is focus on not breaking down. I am not breaking down. Dad would hate it, he really didn’t hate anything more than he hated any of us being upset and if he could see us break down he would be devastated. I stare blankly at my bedroom wall trying my hardest to keep my mind blank, to not think of anything at all, it is so much easier than letting all the feelings in.

“Mil?” I turn my head to the bedroom door and see Jaime standing in the doorway already mostly dressed aswell, just holding his bowtie in his hand.

“You don’t need help; it’s just a clippie one”

“It’s not that, I’m just curious as to why you were so insistent that I wore as little black as possible.”

“Dad wouldn’t have wanted a dark funeral. He loved brightness, he would want his funeral to be as full with colour as possible.” I explained and Jaime nodded understandingly.

“How are you?” he asked watching me carefully.

“About as good as I could be right now…”

“I’m sorry Mil… Will you be okay reading?”

“I’ll be alright. It’s for Dad…” he kissed me softly before pulling me from the bed. “We should go out and meet your Mum”

I nod and allow him to pull me out of my room. I see that my family had the same thought as me… Mum was wearing a rich purple floor length dress that my Dad loved, Eliza was wearing a vibrant yellow sundress and like Jaime, Jason was wearing a white suit but had a red bowtie instead of blue. I force myself to flicker a smile at them and we all pile into Jason’s car. It’s a tight squeeze but nobody seemed to mind. I sat in between Jamie and Eliza in the backseat and one hand was tightly wound around Jaime’s while the other was locked in Eliza’s. Eliza was already tearing up, she had her head rested on my shoulder and I could feel the cool wet drips of her tears fall from her cheek onto my skin. I squeeze her hand gently and turn my head to kiss her hair before resting my head against her own.

My heart swelled as we walked into the church. It was overflowing with people, and though many of them were in uniform, those that weren’t, like our family, didn’t wear black. You’re surrounded by colour Dad, I think happily as I walk with my family to take our seats at the front of the church. I was zoned out for most of the service. I stood and knelt when I needed but I couldn’t take my eyes off the coffin in the centre of the church. He was so close. He is honestly right there but I can’t see him. I can’t hug him; I can never have a conversation with him again. He’s gone…

“Mil?” Jaime whispers from beside me, I look at him absently “Mil, it’s time for you to speak”. I stared at him in shock for a long moment before I could bring myself to rise from my seat. I walk past the coffin slowly, my eyes grabbing every detail, the line of the wood, the delicate edging. I almost wouldn’t believe that he was really in there. I couldn’t picture it. I KNOW he is but I can’t bring myself to believe it.

I walk up to the pulpit and adjust the small microphone, careful not to make it make any terrible sounds. I take a deep breath before I unfold my letter and hold it in my shaking hands.

Dad,

Honestly, I’m struggling to believe that this is really happening. I don’t want to believe it. Right now, when I think of you I can’t think that you're gone, all I can think is that your still on you deployment, that you’re just overseas but you’ll be back soon. It’s so much easier to think that than to accept that there is actually no possibility of me seeing you again in my life. That you’ll never come home with a new pile of rocks from all the places you’ve been, that you’ll never come back and just give me a hug. But I need you for that. I need you here; I need your support, your love, your guidance. I need you to help me see when I’m making a mistake, and give me your approval when I’ve done something worthwhile. I never got to hear you say how proud you were of me for finally finishing my degree. I never got your approval of me finally getting away.

I met someone Dad, I love him and he means everything to me and I wanted nothing more than to bring him home to you and get your approval. But you will never get to do that. You will never get to threaten his life if he ever hurts me or bond with him over stupid things like football or beer. Dad I really need you here. I need you to someday walk me down the aisle; I need you to build your grandkids a cubby house. There is so much I need you to be here for and it’s tearing me a part thinking that you won’t be able to do those things. My kids are going to grow up without an Opa and that was never supposed to happen; you were supposed to always be here.

So forgive me if I don’t believe it right now. Forgive me for not accepting that you’re not really gone. I can’t think like that, I can’t. I love you Dad and I want nothing more than for you to back here right now. I want nothing more than to wake up and find that this has all been a terrible dream and I’m really still back in America with the only thing that was worrying me being whether or not I fed the dog.

I love you Daddy and I will keep Teddy with me always. Whenever I’m hugging him you better be hugging me back. That was our deal.

Goodbye Dad. I miss you already.








~‘It was then that I carried you’~








When I reached the end of my letter I could barely make out the words through my tear blurred vision. Even when I had finished I couldn’t bring myself to move. It was like I was glued in place, and it felt as though reading that letter completely shattered the wall I had kept up in order to remain the slightest bit sane. I was being flooded with emotion and it felt as though it was destroying me. At least I was the last person to speak so there was no rush in trying to get me away from the pulpit.

I felt arms wrap around me and I immediately knew it was Jaime. I bury my face into his chest and finally let go. I let the tears flow freely from my body. Jaime didn’t bother shushing me or telling me that everything was going to be okay because I think he knew that it would only make things worse. Instead he just held me, rubbing my back softly in continuous circular motions. Though the tears didn’t slow, eventually my body stopped being wracked by sobs and it became more of a whimpering. When Jaime finally pulled me away from the front of the church I was surrounded by people giving their condolences, telling me how sorry they were for my loss and how much of a great man he was but I couldn’t process any of it. The church was cleared and all our relatives and close family friends drove to the cemetery where he was being buried but I couldn’t handle it. With just one look at my mother she nodded understandingly and said she would meet us at home.

Even though our house wasn’t too far away, the walk felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with Teddy in my arms and wrapped up in a blanket with Jaime right beside me. When we finally walked through the door Jaime immediately directed me into the bedroom then said he was going to hunt me down some chocolate. I smile slightly at how well he knows me but it doesn’t last long. I am quickly enveloped in my thoughts and I needed an escape. I trudge into the bathroom and dig out an unused razor head from a draw. I dismantle it in seconds and sit on the floor with the three blades just resting in my hand. I didn’t bring them to my leg; I just stared at them longingly. I needed them. I needed the relief they gave me. I need the feeling of metal slicing through skin with so much ease you would barely believe it’s happening. But no matter how much I long for it I can actually pick up a blade between my fingers. I can just stare at them lying in my palm.

“Mil?” I hear Jaime call but I can’t bring myself to answer. I can’t do anything but look at the blade and imagine how good it would feel to actually use them.

“Milly?” Jaime asked, right on the other side of the door this time. He knocked gently but once again, I can’t answer.

“Amelia? Are you okay?” He’s starting to panic, I know that and I want nothing more than to reassure him but I can’t; how could I possibly reassure him right now? He knocks again more urgently this time. “Amelia I’m coming in.”

I don’t even raise my head as he pushed the door open but I hear his gasp lightly as he took in the scene, obviously spotting what I held in my hand. Without another word he gingerly takes the blades from my palm, as if he was scare a quick or sudden movement would cause m to jerk away and cut myself. The second they were away from my hand he stands and rushes to the bin beside the sink and throws them into it, knowing that I wouldn’t use anything but a sanitary blade to cut with.

I still stare at my hand where the blades were previously resting. Wondering how I would feel right now if I had done it, if I had given in. How much better would I feel? I should have. I should have done it. I need to do it. Jaime’s hand folds over mine and breaks my gaze. My gaze flickers up to meet his and he looks completely heartbroken. I immediately feel guilty for what I’d almost done. How could I have wanted to do that to him? Almost hesitantly as if he really doesn’t want to know, he lifts the hem of my dress to look at my thighs but sighs with relief when he sees that I didn’t cut. He pulls me into his arms and holds me in a tight embrace.

“Please never do that again. You scared me so much” he whispered with his voice wavering slightly.

“I’m sorry…” was all I could bring myself to say.

“I feel as though I’ve been really good, not asking about it…” he hesitated “Can you tell me why Mil? Why did you start this? What drove you this far?”

“Can- can we wait?” I ask “Jus- just not now… not right after- I just- I can’t…”

“I understand… soon though. I’m worried about you Amelia”

“I know. I love you Jaime…”

“I love you too Amelia. More than anything” he kissed my head gently and my head filled with guilt. How could I do this to him? I am a horrible human being…

Notes

Yea so I'm not gonna lie, I almost broke down writing this... Gah I hate sadness :'(