Time & Time Again

“Wait, what about that time that we found her in Mice’s bus, passed out in Austin’s bunk. She was so shitfaced she was convinced she was back in her bunk and called Austin a fucktard and told him to get out of her bed before she told Fin. Austin almost pissed himself laughing, trying to get her back to our bus.”

“Oh my god, stop!” I groaned, covering my face with my hands.

The whole table burst out laughing and I groaned again. We were still at the catering tent, and unfortunately it was story time, though most of the stories involved me in my wild drunken merch girl days. Let’s just say I was pretty reckless and just didn’t give a fuck.

“Oh, oh, wait no, remember that one time in Philly when we went to the bar and she had climbed up on the fucking bar counter and Jake tried to get her down and they argued back and forth for almost ten minutes before she called him a pussy and told him to suck her dick and then here comes Fin pissed off like a motherfucker and he just jumps up on the stool, throws her over his shoulder and storms out of the bar. Jake and Scottie didn’t talk for like a week!” Chase says, laughing.

“Holy fuck! Stop! Please!” I groaned again, though once again I was only met by laughter.

“Damn, I wish I knew you when you were a merch girl Scottie!” Mike laughs and I can’t help but smile and shake my eyes, I caught sight of Tony staring at me, amusement in his eyes and he flashed me a smile before he looked back down to my son, sleeping in his arms.

I smiled now, looking at Jace and Tony. I couldn’t help but bask in the happiness that crept over me watching them because Tony was the first band member, outside of Searching Souls, who Jace had warmed up to so quickly and felt really comfortable with, I mean, not like it wasn’t hard to feel comfortable around Tony, I mean, fuck, I shared a bed with him after only meeting him like three hours beforehand. I smiled, thinking back to that night.

“What are you smiling at creep?” Fin nudged me with his shoulder.

I chuckled looking over at him. “Nothing.”

He looked at me questioningly, then looked over at Tony, who was now talking to Jaime, careful not to wake the child in his arms, and then looked back at me. “I know you like him,” he smirked, talking low enough so only I heard him.

My eyes widened. “What, no I don’t.” I muttered, just as quiet.

Fin laughed quietly. “Oh please, I know you Scottie.” He raised his eyebrows and continued when I didn’t say anything. “I also know Tony, he’s a good guy, I approve.” He winked and I reached over and punched him in the arm, hard.

“Ow!” he yelled, getting everyone’s attention at the table as they turned to look at us.

“Uh oh, please don’t let this be the start of McQueen Madness,” Chase said and Jake and Frank groaned.

“McQueen Madness?” Vic question and I smirked, looking over at Fin who was doing the same.

“Yeah, Scottie and Fin used to pull these pranks on each other, like ridiculous twelve year old, middle school pranks; we started calling it McQueen Madness after the time they actually got into a fist fight when Fin shaved off Scott’s eyebrow.” Jake answered.

Fin burst out laughing and I sat up and punched him again. “Shut up dickhead, I’m still pissed about that, I had to cut myself some side bangs and wear beanies that covered my eyebrows for months. My eyebrow still doesn’t grow in right.” I complained. Fin laughed again and I shook my head, leaning back in my seat, glancing over at Jace.

“Oh, shit, remember that one time when Scottie got him back though, she hired this stripper to come and give Fin a lap dance, except it wasn’t a girl. It was a fucking guy, God, Fin was so mortified it was hysterical. He just sat there, completely shocked and Scottie all but pissed herself watching.” Jake said and I suddenly stopped breathing.

“Oh wait, no, but it wasn’t even a real stripper, remember, it was her friend, shit what was his name?” Frank added and I clenched my fists, still holding my breath and I felt myself go cold.

“Dude, shut the fuck up.” Fin hissed, his tone deadly.

“What? I was just trying to remember his,” Frank suddenly stopped, a horrified expression on his face.

I let out my breath in a ragged groan. “Dean. His name was Dean.” I quickly got up and headed back toward the line of the food, not wanting to wait around and hear the rushed apologies or look at the confused faces of the Pierce guys. I was just about to grab another plate of food, deciding to just eat my feelings when I suddenly turned and found myself pressed into someone’s chest. I stumbled back and probably would have fell on my ass if he hadn’t of reached out and grabbed my arms, steading me.

“Shit, sorry,” I heard him say and I felt an instant smile form on my face.

“Austin!” I screamed and I jumped up into his arms, gripping his lanky body in a tight hug.

“Oh my God! Scottie!” he yelled, just as surprised and hugged me back. “Fuck, I was wondering when I would see you again, Fin said you were coming back.”

“Yeah, I got here yesterday but fell asleep before I could see anyone.” I explained, stepping back and looking up to meet his eyes.

“Huh, that’s funny, I don’t remember seeing you in my bunk last night.” He smiled, referring to the story Jake had just told moments ago.

“Shut up!” I laughed, playfully shoving him.

“Are the guys here? I need to make sure Jake can still sing our song tomorrow?” he asked, Jake had recorded a song with Of Mice & Men and the fans loved it and they tried playing it live as much as possible but haven’t recently due to them playing too close at the same time these past couples of days.

“Oh, yeah, this way,” I said and gestured back to the table, making our way there as we made small talk, catching up.

I was laughing at something Austin had said when we finally got to the table, causing them all to look my way and I tried to ignore the looks I got from Jake and Frank. Fin studied me closely, before he relaxed when he realized that the mention of him hadn’t affected me too much and if anyone had told the Pierce guys who Dean was, I couldn’t tell from their faces, though I thought I saw something on Tony’s face before he quickly smiled up at me, and I smiled back, looking back down at Jace in his arms.

The guys all greeted Austin and they began a conversation as I walked over to Tony, putting my hands on his shoulders as I stood behind him. He leaned his head back to look at me, almost making his snapback fall of his head and he threw me a cheesy smile. I laughed and adjusted his hat.

“Come on, I need to get my little turtle back to the bus,” I whispered, reaching my arms out for Jace.

Tony gave me an exaggerated pout and I laughed quietly. He started getting up and I backed away, pulling his chair out so he didn’t fall over it. Once he was clear I held my arms out again but he pulled Jace closer, grinning at me.

“I’ll walk you there,” he said and I smiled.

“Okay,” I said to him then turned back to the table. “Alright guys, I should get Jace to bed so I’m calling it a night.”

“Aw, fuck, I almost forgot about him!” Austin said suddenly and jumped up from the seat he had been in. He came to stand by me and looked over at Jace, giving Tony a nod and a hey man, in the process. “Damn you made an adorable kid Scottie,” Austin laughed and reached up to fluff my hair.

“Knock it off,” I said, ducking down and pushing his hand away.

He chuckled. “Me and the guys are coming by tomorrow to see him, when he’s awake, I wonder if he remembers me.”

“You video chatted with him last week, or at least tried to, I’m sure he remembers.” I laughed.

Austin shrugged and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “See ya tomorrow squirt,” he said and I rolled my eyes.

“Bye guys!” I said and waved and I walked forward, receiving a few byes and waves in return.

“Tone, you going with?” Mike asked suddenly and I could already tell he was smirking before I even turned around.

“Yep, we don’t want to wake Jace up,” Tony answered easily, ignoring Mike’s suggestive tone.

There were a few sarcastic responses and someone even whistled as Tony and I started walking again. Tony laughed and shook his head, looking over at me and I just smiled in return. There weren’t as many people in the area as before so Tony and I didn’t feel the need to rush as we made our way toward my bus, the conversation flowing easily, like it always did for us.

“So it sounds like you were a pretty fun time back in the day,” Tony commented, glancing over at me, smirking.

“Oh good, I was a hot mess,” I laughed. “I drank too much, partied way too hard and just didn’t give a fuck.”

“So do you still party like that?”

“Not since I got pregnant.” I answered quietly, I honestly hadn’t even drank or smoked since that night I had found out, almost three years ago.

He nodded, looking over at me. “You know Scottie, just because you’re a mom now, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have some fun every now and then.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t just party because I was a mom now. I didn’t party because partying is what sent everything to hell in the first place. If only I hadn’t agreed to that summer of fun, if only I had gone on tour with Searching Souls and Pierce the Veil. If only I had said no to Dean and his ridiculous offer. I hated myself. I hated that I could feel this way because I know that if I had turned down spending the summer with Dean then I wouldn’t have Jace, and that honestly scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t imagine my life without that little boy, even if my life did change so drastically heartbreaking because of him. I knew that if I ever had the chance to change it, I would still spend the summer with Dean, even if I knew what the ending would be. I would always make the same choice.

“Scottie?” I heard Tony’s voice ask and I looked forward to see we were standing in front of the bus, shit, when did we get here? “Can you open the door?” he said with a laugh.

“Yeah, sorry,” I muttered, punching in the code and opening the door, letting him climb up the steps. I followed, quietly shutting the door behind me.

“Which one?” Tony whispered as we made our way to the bunks. I motioned toward mine and he gently set Jace down, placing his head on the pillow. Jace stirred a little at the movement but otherwise went right back to sleeping. Tony stepped back and I saw him stretch and heard him pop his back. I smiled as I leaned down and pulled the blanket up around Jace, tugging his shoes off his feet. I placed a kiss on his forehead and stood back up, looking over to Tony who was looking over at me thoughtfully, something he seemed to be doing a lot of.

“What?” I whispered as he started to walk forward, passing me and heading toward the front of the bus.

“You have a pretty awesome kid, and you are an amazing mom.” He said, turning to look at me in the eyes. I knew why he was saying this, somehow Tony Perry always seemed to know what I was thinking.

I smiled sadly, looking down. “Thank you Tony.”

He stepped forward and placed his hand under my chin, pulling me gently to look up at him. “I know that you don’t want to talk about him right now, but, if you ever want someone to listen, I’m here.” He quickly leaned down and kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes, even though it only lasted a second I enjoyed the contact while I could. I opened my eyes when I felt his hand leave my chin and watched him as he made his way to the door.

“Goodnight Tony, thank you.” I was thanking for him for so much more than he knew but the way he looked at me made me think that maybe, just maybe he did.

We smiled and I turned to walk toward the bunks but his voice stopped me.

“Scottie?” he asked quietly and at first I wasn’t sure if he had even said it but when I looked back I saw him hesitating at the top of the steps.

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think about what would have happened if you had come on tour with us?” he asked and for a second, he seemed unsure, like he thought the question would upset me, because while he didn’t know much about what happened that summer he knew enough to know that if I had gone on tour, I would not have gotten pregnant.

“All the time.” I answered quietly and he looked over at me, and in a way I almost felt uncomfortable because I swear, in that moment, Tony Perry was looking at me like he loved me.

He didn’t say anything, he didn’t do anything, no nodding, no smile, laugh, shake of his wrist, nothing. He walked down the steps and quietly closed the door behind him, disappearing in the dark, leaving me standing in the middle of the bus with my son softly snoring in the background.

Notes