Come Waste Away With Me

Warped Tour finished yesterday. I have been away from my brother for almost four months. I should be used to the feeling of being away from the people I love already but I am far away from being used to it. My heart still aches when I think about who I left. I left a happy life where everything was actually okay. I didn’t see that it was okay because my depression blocked me from being truly happy. But now that I’m gone, I would give anything to be back there. Every single day has been living hell. I figured out that fighting back was just going to make things worse for me; it don’t fight back anymore. I am weak, I am broken, and I am alone. But no matter how hard this has been to me, I never resulted back to cutting. I promised the people I loved I would not pick up that razor again. I came close to it once but I saw my brothers face when I told him about my self harm and I threw the razor into the corner of the room. It is still there, it shines in the light if you look at it in the right angle.
The only thing keeping me sane is my job. I took up photography, since I had Adam Elmakias as one of my references they couldn’t really say no. I also think my photos are actually good. I love taking photos of everything. Lately I have been taking pictures of the ocean, palm trees, anything nature related but today I have a different job. Today I get to go take pictures of a band. They won’t tell me what band but Adam told them to let me go. My boss reassured me that it was not my brother’s band. How awkward would that have been? Mason doesn’t let me travel to take pictures, I’m stuck in L.A. Not that I’m complaining, I just really wanted new scenery and this is definitely different. I stood in front of the mirror in only my undergarments and snapped a picture. I was documenting every bruise on my body, so when it comes to the day I’m not scared anymore I have evidence. I switched out my memory card and replaced it with a new one for tonight. I hid the other one at the bottom of my sock drawer. I packed my camera along with extra lenses and memory cards.
Once I made sure I had everything I slipped on my lavender lace dress. It used to fit my body perfectly but over the past months I have lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I would eat but Mason gets angry when I eat more than one meal a day, even when the one meal isn’t even a full meal. I knew it was very bad but I couldn’t give him another reason to use vulgar language or to abuse me. I rubbed foundation all over my face to attempt to cover the bruises. My face was more bruised than it was not. Once I was sure you could not see any hint of purple I put on mascara and eye shadow to hide them even more. I put on some lip gloss which burned my lip because of the cut that is present there. The people I worked with didn’t even ask me anymore of how I got these cuts and bruises. I really don’t think they care. I pulled my hair up into a pony tail, once I made sure it would withstand concert conditions I practiced my smiling. Even faking a smile was hard to do now. My eye no longer held any type of shine just a dull brown.
I sat on the edge of the bed to slip my white vans on my feet. These shoes were still almost perfectly white. I took very good care of them; honestly I have no idea why I am wearing them to a concert. Oh well I can always buy new ones. I stood up and pulled my leather jacket over my shoulders, took one last look in the mirror. I guess this is as good as I’m going to look. I hated caking my face with makeup but I had to.
My bag was then swung over my shoulder, I made my way downstairs. “Mason, I am leaving.”
“When will you be back?” He questioned standing up from his position in front of the TV.
“Probably not until after one.” I frowned knowing he would not be happy.
“ONE IN THE MORNING?” He took a deep breath. “Who do these people think they are?”
“It’s good money, it won’t be an everyday thing, just a onetime thing.” I tried to calm him down.
“It better be, I don’t approve of this at all.” He shook his head and grabbed my arm tightly. “No funny business.”
“Bye.” He let go of my arm only to grab my face and forcefully press his lips against mine. It took every ounce of me not to pull away until he was finished. He pulled away and returned to his seat. “Get me a bottle of beer before you leave.” He ordered.
I quickly went to the fridge grabbed a beer opened it then brought it to him. “Here.”
“You can leave.” I will take you up on that offer. “Oh and tomorrow I expect a nice dinner and maybe other things.”
“Ok.” I rushed out the front door before he could stop me again, I was already late. I quickened my pace down the sidewalk. I didn’t have money for a cab, I didn’t own a car, walking is my only option. Good thing the theater wasn’t far, only a few blocks. I dug out my pass to get into the building from my camera bag. I placed it around my neck without missing a step. There is already a line forming on the outside of the doors. I should’ve gotten here a bit earlier but now I have to get passed fans.
“Excuse me.” I kept repeating as I pushed passed the kids waiting.
“Are you Ariana Carlile?” Some girl asked.
My feet stopped walking as I paused in front of her. “I am.”
“I was at the one Warped Tour when you sang with your brother! You were amazing!” She rushed her words.
“Thanks.” I smiled.
“Are you here for the concert?”
“No, well kind of. I am taking pictures.” She nodded at my words. “I’m sorry but I better get going I’m late.”
“Sorry for keeping you!” She apologized.
“No worries.” I waved goodbye to her before continuing my way to the doors.
“Miss, you have to wait for doors to open.” The man said crossing his arms. I showed him my pass to get inside. “How do I know that you aren’t lying?”
“Okay, why would I lie? This is my job! Go get Adam if you really don’t believe me.” I can’t believe him. I’m already late and now this jerk won’t let me in.
“No need to get your panties in a twist.” He opened the door for me and I ran inside before anyone could stop me. Before I could stop myself I ran straight into someone. I stumbled backward but didn’t fall over.
“Oh I’m sor- ARI?” I took my gaze off the floor and unstiffened. “It is you! What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you too Mike.” A smile formed on my lips. “I am a photographer.”
“You are the secret that Adam was talking about?” He pulled me into a hug making me stiffen and my eyes go wide. He pulled back confused. “Sorry.”
“I just wasn’t expecting that…it’s nice to see you.” I reassured him.
“And it is nice to see you.” This is what I love about Mike he really doesn’t pressure you into saying anything personal. “You better go find Adam.”
I nodded while saying my goodbyes, I walk back farther before I heard Adam talking. “Okay, just turn your hea- perfect!” Click. I walked in and gasped. Alex was standing there in front of Adam with his hands in his pockets. They both turned their gazes to me. “Ari!” They both said.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Why are you here?” Alex said at the same time.
I ignored him. “What do you want me to do?”
“Can you go take some pictures of Mike and Vic?” He asked with a smile.
“Of course.” I turned on my heel but Alex grabbed my arm. My eyes grew wide and I flinched. “Please, let go.”
From the tone of my voice he dropped my arm. “Are you okay?”
I cleared my throat. “I’m fine. I should get going, I have a job to do.”
“Ari…” He stepped forward and I stepped back.
“This was a horrible idea. I should’ve never agreed to this.” I shook my head backing away. I didn’t want to be scared of him. I just couldn’t trust anyone anymore.
“Don’t leave,” He stepped closer and I backed into a wall.
“Don’t come any closer.” I pleaded but he didn’t listen he wrapped his arms around me.
“Geez you are skin and bone… Ari…” He held onto my shoulders. “What is going on with you?”
“Don’t ask please.” I blinked back tears.
“What is wrong?” I shook my head. “What. Is. Wrong?”
“I have to go.” I pushed him off of me expecting to get hit I coward backward. “I’m sorry Adam but I have to go.” Alex just stared at me with a confused and sad look. I wouldn’t meet his eyes.
Ring
Ring
Ring
My phone went off in its obnoxious ringing. I pulled it out of my camera bag. It was a number I didn’t know. “Hello?”
“Hello Miss Carlile?” A lady spoke through the phone.
“Yes.”
“I am a nurse at L.A. hospital, your brother was just brought to the hospital.”
“W-what?” I brought my hand up to my mouth.
“Is there any way you can get here?”
“I’m in L.A.”
“Come as soon as possible. He collapsed getting off a plane and has not woken up. The doctor mentioned his heart,”
“I will be right there.” I whispered. I hung up and fell into Alex because I couldn’t stand anymore.
“Ari, what’s wrong?” He gripped me tightly.
“Austin is in the hospital.” My body convulsed into sobs.

Notes

Ari's outfit: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=127221963

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