Come Waste Away With Me

*Austin’s POV

I have never felt this pain before. Losing someone so close to me but knowing they are still alive but want no contact with you hurts. I know what it’s like losing a family to a death and that hurts. I thought I could never feel that much pain again. But I was wrong of course. I then felt the pain of watching a woman that I loved; that I married go and cheat on me and then leave. I thought I couldn’t feel any more pain then I felt that day. I was wrong again. One week ago I watched my sister leave without a glance back. She left a letter but it didn’t explain anything at all. She also said to not make any contact with her. I almost did text her a few times but each time I stopped. She said she needed time and if that’s what she needs I will give it to her. Even of it hurts.
I’m sure I smelled like shit. I haven’t showered or changed in days. I pulled open my curtain to my bunk before slipping out of it. The guys were all spread out over the bus. They have never been so quiet. To come to think of it, this is the quietest they have ever been. They all turned to look at me when I sat down. I only left my bunk to get food or go to the bathroom. After that I would just go back to my bunk. I ran my hands through my greasy hair feeling disgusted with myself for the way I have been acting. Ari wouldn’t want this.
“We have to go back to playing. I texted Alex to go tell the schedule people to put us on for tomorrow.” I couldn’t think straight; I couldn’t remember the people’s names. “Ari wouldn’t want us acting like this. I’m sure in all of our letters she left us she stated for us not to give up. We owe that much to her.”
They all nodded except Alan. “We don’t owe her anything. She left; if I play I’m not paying for her only for myself. She is being selfish leaving without saying goodbye except for these fucking letters. She didn’t have the guts to say the words in front of me.” He ripped the letter out of his pocket looking at the words again. I still didn’t know what his said.
“I know you are upset Alan but you don’t mean that.” Aaron rubbed Alan’s shoulder.
“I just miss her.” He whispered.
“Well we all do! But we can’t keep moping around and letting down fans!” I raised my voice at him. He was acting like he was the only one who was hurting. “She was my sister and she left without telling me goodbye too!”
“I get that but,” He didn’t finish his sentence while he stared at the ground.
“Look Alan, I’m sorry for raising my voice. I miss her too just we all need to get our mind off it and to do that we need to play.” It was the truth but I still needed to convince myself. “I guess I’m going to go take a shower.”
“It’s about time man you smell.” Tino laughed.
“Thanks.” But I chuckled with him. It felt wrong to laugh when I had no idea where Ari was or if she was going to come back. I sighed as I made my way to the bathroom of the bus. “Mom, protect her please.” I whispered looking at the ceiling of the bus.
“She will protect her.” Alan looked at me with sad eyes.
“What did her letter say to you? You have been a fucking wreck.”
“And you haven’t? She was my best friend.” He crossed his arms avoiding the question.
“You haven’t been acting like much of a friend to her lately.” I crossed my arms.
“I don’t want to get into an argument with you. You know I love her.” He sighed.
“Do you mean? You are the reason she left!” I accused him.
“She said I broke her heart.” He looked like he just got hit by a bus. I couldn’t get mad at him obviously her saying that hurt him. “I never wanted to hurt her.” Tears appeared in his eyes as he handed me the letter she wrote.
“She loves you…” I trailed off. How did I never notice?
“She thought the only reason I hung out with her is because I felt sorry for her. That’s not true I love her Austin and she left. She confessed in a fucking letter and then says she is sorry. No she isn’t sorry.” He pulled on the ends of his hair getting frustrated. I knew he was going to say things he didn’t mean. “She’s a coward. She is a fucking coward, leaving without saying goodbye. Fuck her. Fuck her, I don’t want her to come back. I need a fucking cigarette.” He shook his head throwing me a sort of sympathetic glance before leaving.
I wasn’t mad I knew he didn’t mean those words. I had the same exact freak out with Alex saying almost the same exact words. I hated myself for getting so angry.

*Flashback*
I blankly stared at the top of my bunk. That’s all I have been doing for the past few days; staring. My phone was gripped in my hands just in case Ari called. Which never happened. Whenever it would vibrate it was always someone asking if I was okay. I was not fucking okay. I wasn’t going to be okay. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t know where she is, who she is with or what’s she’s doing. It’s probably all three because I am the over protecting brother that made her leave. Three days ago she left us without a goodbye. She isn’t dead but it sure feels like it. It feels worse actually because she chose to leave and told us not to contact her. I was past the despair; it was replaced by fury. Not only directed towards her but at me. I couldn’t make her stay. I never even noticed she was depressed. I’m a horrible brother who was never around to help her. It was my fault she is gone. Mine and no one else’s. What if her letter holds lies? What if she isn’t going to be okay? I don’t even know where she is. In L.A. somewhere but how am I supposed to find her? I should’ve gone right after her. I should have followed that cab. But I didn’t I went back to the bus to see that it was true. God damn it I should’ve followed her.
I heard the door to the bus open and close. I really didn’t want company. I didn’t want anything. Silently I waited for whoever it was to come find me. A few seconds later my curtain was pulled back and revealed a somber looking Alex. I don’t remember the last time he wasn’t smiling but since Ari left he wore a frown. “Have you ever heard of privacy?” I snapped.
“I know you are upset but Austin you can’t stay cooped up in here.”
“Of course I am upset! My sister left!” I couldn’t control my voice.
“I know.” He sighed but stepped away to let me slide out. “It’s perfectly okay to be angry.”
“Oh I am beyond angry! She fucking left without a word.” I screamed not caring how loud I was.
Alex jumped a bit. “I know. But she will come back once she settles things.”
I threw my arms up. “No. I don’t want her to come back! She cannot come back and not talk to me for all I care! Fuck her! She couldn’t even say goodbye to me! That coward!”
“You don’t mean that.” He glared at me before leaving. “Text me when you are in a more reasonable mood. I came to tell you that I talked to her. She said she was okay but not to answer because of reasons.” And with that he slammed the door and I crawled back into my bunk breathing heavily from my anger. A sharp pain shot threw my chest but I just ignored it.
*Flashback end*
After I showered I joined the guys in the main area of the bus. The only one missing was Alan. “Where’s Alan?”
They all looked at me since I broke the silence. “He um went to get a drink.”
“Fuck.” I grabbed my shoes before slipping them onto my feet. “I’m going to find him.”
They all nodded silently. I knew they wanted to go look for Alan but they know that the only person who can talk any sense into him when he is upset is me. When I was too stubborn to leave my buck, I knew he was out drinking an unhealthy amount of alcohol. I would hear him stumble in just as the buses were ready to leave. But he wouldn’t stop his drinking; I would hear the clanging of glasses hitting each other. I can’t believe I couldn’t find the strength to stop him from going back to his old ways. Now I needed to put a stop to it before it got worse.
Fresh air filled my lungs for the first time in a week. My feet carried me forward trying to think of a place where Alan would be. I dialed his number hoping he would answer. Of course he didn’t. He turned his phone off since it went straight to voicemail. I swore as I hung up.
“Austin is that you?” I looked up and saw Mike from Pierce the Veil jog up to me. “Hey man.”
“Hi.” I really didn’t feel like talking. “Have you seen Alan?”
“Oh, yea I will take you to him. He is wasted; he has been for days.” I nodded as we began walking. “Is it because Ari left? How are you holding up?”
“I am complete shit but I know she doesn’t want me to ruin my tour just because she left. We are performing tomorrow.” I stared at the ground.
“Everyone misses her, you know?” He frowned. “But I know you out of all people are hurting the most.”
“I think Alan might win that.” I shook my head. “I miss her like crazy but I haven’t been numbing that by drinking away my life.”
“That is true.” He agreed.
“Why are you all the way out here?” I questioned.
“Oh my girlfriend is visiting. I was on my way to get her.” He grinned.
“Why are you escorting me then? Go get her man! Just tell me what bus they are at.” I nudged his shoulder.
“I think it is Blessthefall’s bus.” He gave me a hug before walking back in the direction we came. As I turned the corner of the bus that all the noise was coming from I caught sight of the familiar ginger hair. I proceeded in his direction but was stopped by a hand on my chest.
“Look who decided to show their face again!” It was Beau from Blessthefall.
“Hey man.” I smiled.
“Sorry about your sister, she’ll come around you’ll see.” He patted my shoulder reassuringly. “So are you here to collect your boy? He is piss drunk, I’m surprised he is still walking,” we looked over at Alan just in time to watch him trip over his own two feet. “Well kind of walking.”
“I should get him back to the bus before he hurts himself.” I frowned watching his trip his way over to get another drink.
“You aren’t going to have a drink?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Not today, I think Alan got drunk for all of us tonight.”
“Well good luck with him. He’s delusional.” And with that I walked away and took the shot glass from Alan’s grasp.
“Whatthefuckgetyourown.” His words slurred together.
“I’m cutting you off. No more drinking.” My voice was stern.
“Thatsnotfairaustin.” He whined.
“Come on, let’s get you back to the bus.” I pulled the stumbling drunk behind me. “We will talk about this tomorrow.”
“Talkaboutwha?” He murmured.
“Your drinking issue.”
“I do…I do not yea not have a drinking problem.” He protested unsuccessfully.
“We will talk about it in the morning.” I repeated.
“I tried calling Ari but some dude answered; I might have called the wrong number but flipped out at them. Whoops.” He laughed at himself. A guy answered Ari’s phone? Maybe he did call the wrong number. I wouldn’t be surprised considering the state he is in right now. “Loook at the stars maybe Ari is looking at them too! How romantic would that be, just like a movie.”
“If it was a movie you wouldn’t be piss drunk. This isn’t very romantic and if she saw you this way she would flip.” I shook my head at his words.
“Well she isn’t here is she? She is probably off fucking that guy who answered the phone. Confesses her love but goes and screws someone else.”
“Watch what you say that is my sister you are talking about!” I spat. “Or would you like another black eye?”
“Wouldn’t hurt as bad as a broken heart.” He ripped his arm from my grasp. “Please punch me so maybe I can forget her.”
I stared at him before sighing. “I’m not going to punch you. Now come on.”
He listened but didn’t look at me. We reached the bus and he went straight to his bunk and pulled his curtain closed. I was worried about him. I was also worried about my sister. The pain in my chest came back and I grabbed my chest with my hand.
“Austin are you okay?” Tino stood up and took hold of my arm to make sure I didn’t fall.
“I’m fine.” The pain went away as quickly as it came. “I’m going to go lay down.”
“Austin.” Aaron warned.
“I am fine.” I was really wishing I was.

Notes

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