The Journal
Chapter 2.
6 January, 9:05am, 2003
I have spent the last 3 days with the guys. They are incredibly nice, and I feel like I've made 8 best friends. Today Dad and I are going to visit Mom, It's her second year anniversary. I could already feel that it's not going to be the best day for me.
*****
"Honey, are you ready to go visit your mom?" Dad called from outside my door.
"Yeah. Hold on a sec!" I put out my third smoke this morning and threw it out the window. I always smoke more when I'm stressed or upset, and today, it's both. I followed Dad outside and sat in the passenger seat of his car. The drive to the cemetery was silent. Dad and I never were really that close, and we didn't speak much. He used to drink a lot, and he hit me. He just doesn't understand why I won't forgive him. When we got there, I let Dad go first, like I always did. I spoke with Mom alone. When he was finished, I sat cross legged in front of her headstone.
"Hey Mommy," I whispered. "It's been 2 years without you, can you believe it? I miss you so much. I know we fought a lot, and I never showed how much I loved you. But I do love you, so much. I regret not telling you I love you sooner. I'm sorry I'm such a shit daughter. I'm just sorry about everything!" I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "I love you Mom. And I miss you." I lay the flowers down and made my way back to the car, slamming the door behind me.
"You're a strong kid Bonnie," Dad stroked my wet cheek with his thumb. I flinched away from him.
"Don't touch me," I whispered.
"For Gods sake Bonnie! Why won't you forgive me?! I'm your father! I should be able to show some affection without you flinching away from me!" He banged his fist on the steering wheel and I tightly closed my eyes. Don't show him your scared.
"I just don't want you to touch me!" I hissed, turning my attention to the wet gloomy weather outside the car window. As soon as we were home, I ran into my room and slammed the door shut.
6 January, 10:28pm, 2003
I am absolutely nothing. Why do I even try to be a good person? I'm a shit person who's not worth anything.
*****
I stared at myself in the mirror. Disgusting. I took the blade and shone it in the light. Just what I need. I pressed the blade to my wrists and made 3 fresh cuts on each one. I cleaned up the blood and waited for the bleeding to stop before heading back into my room.
"Heyyyyy," I jumped and glared at Jaime, who was lying on my bed.
"Jaime, what the heck are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you too, bitch," I rolled my eyes and lay next to him, linking my legs through his and starting to play footsies.
"So what were you doing in the bathroom?" Shit. How am I supposed to answer that? "oh you know, just cutting myself cos I'm a fuck up." I'm sure that'll work.
"Showering," I mentally facepalmed as soon as I said it.
"Showering?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Your hair's not wet,"
"I didn't wet it?"
"You're lying. You just don't have that shower vibe. Is there a boy in there young lady?!," Jaime sassed.
"Shower vibe? What the fuck is that? And no, there is no boy!"
"I don't know, but you don't have it!"
"You're a special kind of special Hime," I ruffled his hair and he glared at me, smacking my hand away.
"Don't touch the hair! I don't want some guy stealing your innocence!"
"Who said I was innocent?" I asked with a smirk.
"You're not a virgin?" I shook my head.
"Bonnie!
And I came here to ask if you wanted to have a movie night with us at Matt's place," Was I really comfortable to go spend the night with 8 guys I've just met?
"Yes!" I packed some clothes, pyjamas, underwear and bra, toothbrush, hair brush and some white converse. I took Jaime's hand and lead hi downstairs.
"I'm staying with some friends. I'll see you tomorrow." I told Dad, walking outside with no reply.
We arrived at Matt's house and we walked straight in.
"Hey guys!" I waved at everyone who were setting up pillows and blankets in the living room. I didn't know guys had sleepovers like this. I laughed as I imagined them all wearing dresses and putting makeup on each other.
"What's so funny?" Vic asked.
"Oh nothing," I waved it off.
"So, what movie do we wanna watch first?" Mike asked us, sitting on the floor in front of the DVD rack.
"Horror movies, please," I begged.
"A chic who likes horror movies? I like you even more," Tony smiled at me.
"Do you know Bonnie is not a virgin?" Thanks Jaime, now everyone is staring at me. How awkward...
"Anyway, what movie?" Thanks Austin.
"Can we watch Nightmare on Elm Street?" Matt asked.
"YES!" I shot up. they all looked at me.
"What? I like Johnny Depp," I shrugged.
"Okay, so who's getting drinks and lopcorn? I'm not," Wow, Alan. You're a lazy fucker.
"I will. You guys get everything set up," I told them.
"I'll help you," Oli took my arm and dragged me to Matt's kitchen.
"Popcorn in the cupboard. I'll make drinks," I nodded. I think Mike, Tony
and I were the only ones drinking alcohol tonight. I rechecked for the popcorn, but I was just to short. And Oli knew that the jerk.
"Here, let me get that for you," Oli's chest rubbed against my back and I froze in place. His arm reached above my head and grabbed the popcorn packet for me.
"Here you are love," he whispered, hot breath hitting my neck. I shivered and I could practically hear the smirk on his face.
"You knew I wouldn't be able to reach it," I whispered, turning around and putting my hand On his chest to seperate our bodies.
"Maybe I just wanted an excuse to get closer to you,"
"Why - "
"HURRY THE FUCK UP YOU TWO!" Matt yelled. I quickly jumped away from Oli and stuck the packet in the microwave and put it on. I helped Oli hand out drinks before getting the popcorn and pouring it into 2 bowls and placing them on the table. I sat against the arm of the couch and put my legs over Alan's and Matt's laps just as the movie started.
"I'm so pretty!" Mike giggled after I did his makeup. Mike, Tony and I were pretty pissed.
"I know!" I agreed.
"Bonnie, do you think I can fly?" Tony asked, standing on the edge of the couch. I walked up to him.
"I believe you can do whatever you put your mind to," I said seriously.
"I think I can fly," Tony nodded.
"Me too. Move over buddy," I stood next to him and we jumped off the couch together, flailing our arms. before we fell on a sleeping Austin.
"OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"HOLY SHIT! RUN!" I screamed as Austin started running after us. Lesson learned: Don't disturb Austin's sleep unless you want to die.
"Where do we go?!" I asked Tony desperately.
"The roof!" He stated proudly. We ran into this cellar thing, and then next thing I know, we were on the roof!
"You have to be careful!" I nodded my head and we crawled along the roof. We heard laughing and we looked up, seeing Mike in the tree.
"How the hell did you get up there?!"
"I climbed up here like a kitty! Meow!" Then Mike crawled down the tree like some possessd person and disappeared. Creepy.
"Bonnie! Tony! Why are you on the roof?!" Vic asked from below.
"Why are you not on the roof?" Tony sassed. Oh.
"Whatever! Guys, just get down!" Matt demaded.
"Okay!" Tony turned to me. "I think it's time to fly,"
"Yes!" We linked arms and sat in the gutter of the roof.
"Oh my god!" Jaime stared at us in disbelief.
"Guys, don't be stupid!" Oli snapped at us.
"Well, I'm a tired turtle. Ima fly tomorrow!" Tony hugged me and stumbled back into th cellar we came from.
"Good boy Tony!" Alan praised as Tony curled up on the ground next to them 2 minutes later. Mike was sitting there meowing like a crazy person.
"Bonnie! Get your ass down here now!"Austin scolded me.
"No! You said you were going to kill me! That doesn't sound to welcoming!"
"I'm not going to kill you!"
"Seriously Bonnie, get down," Matt is a bully.
"Never!"
"Bonnie! Get your ass down here right now or I'm coming up!" Oli is a bully too!
"Can I be a giraffe?"
"Of course you can honey, just get down!" Jaime answered me. I shrugged and stood up, getting ready to leave when I slipped.
"BONNIE!"The guys started screaming and yelling and I closed my eyes, waiting for the impact of the ground.
But it never came.
"Oh my god Bonnie!" I opened my eyes and seen Vic had me in his arms, now sitting me up and rocking me back and forth.
"Bon, are you okay? You scared us!" Tony demands. Now seeming fully sober and awake. i looked aRound and burst into tears.
"Hey, what's wrong!?" Oli asked.
"Jaime said I would be a giraffe! I'm not!"
"Haha! I'm still a cat! meow!" Mike licked my cheek before crawling inside the house and we followed him. Eww. I have Mike germs on my face.
January 7, 3:07pm, 2003
So I almost died by jumping off Matt's roof. I blame Tony and his dream to fly.
I have spent the last 3 days with the guys. They are incredibly nice, and I feel like I've made 8 best friends. Today Dad and I are going to visit Mom, It's her second year anniversary. I could already feel that it's not going to be the best day for me.
*****
"Honey, are you ready to go visit your mom?" Dad called from outside my door.
"Yeah. Hold on a sec!" I put out my third smoke this morning and threw it out the window. I always smoke more when I'm stressed or upset, and today, it's both. I followed Dad outside and sat in the passenger seat of his car. The drive to the cemetery was silent. Dad and I never were really that close, and we didn't speak much. He used to drink a lot, and he hit me. He just doesn't understand why I won't forgive him. When we got there, I let Dad go first, like I always did. I spoke with Mom alone. When he was finished, I sat cross legged in front of her headstone.
"Hey Mommy," I whispered. "It's been 2 years without you, can you believe it? I miss you so much. I know we fought a lot, and I never showed how much I loved you. But I do love you, so much. I regret not telling you I love you sooner. I'm sorry I'm such a shit daughter. I'm just sorry about everything!" I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "I love you Mom. And I miss you." I lay the flowers down and made my way back to the car, slamming the door behind me.
"You're a strong kid Bonnie," Dad stroked my wet cheek with his thumb. I flinched away from him.
"Don't touch me," I whispered.
"For Gods sake Bonnie! Why won't you forgive me?! I'm your father! I should be able to show some affection without you flinching away from me!" He banged his fist on the steering wheel and I tightly closed my eyes. Don't show him your scared.
"I just don't want you to touch me!" I hissed, turning my attention to the wet gloomy weather outside the car window. As soon as we were home, I ran into my room and slammed the door shut.
6 January, 10:28pm, 2003
I am absolutely nothing. Why do I even try to be a good person? I'm a shit person who's not worth anything.
*****
I stared at myself in the mirror. Disgusting. I took the blade and shone it in the light. Just what I need. I pressed the blade to my wrists and made 3 fresh cuts on each one. I cleaned up the blood and waited for the bleeding to stop before heading back into my room.
"Heyyyyy," I jumped and glared at Jaime, who was lying on my bed.
"Jaime, what the heck are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you too, bitch," I rolled my eyes and lay next to him, linking my legs through his and starting to play footsies.
"So what were you doing in the bathroom?" Shit. How am I supposed to answer that? "oh you know, just cutting myself cos I'm a fuck up." I'm sure that'll work.
"Showering," I mentally facepalmed as soon as I said it.
"Showering?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Your hair's not wet,"
"I didn't wet it?"
"You're lying. You just don't have that shower vibe. Is there a boy in there young lady?!," Jaime sassed.
"Shower vibe? What the fuck is that? And no, there is no boy!"
"I don't know, but you don't have it!"
"You're a special kind of special Hime," I ruffled his hair and he glared at me, smacking my hand away.
"Don't touch the hair! I don't want some guy stealing your innocence!"
"Who said I was innocent?" I asked with a smirk.
"You're not a virgin?" I shook my head.
"Bonnie!
And I came here to ask if you wanted to have a movie night with us at Matt's place," Was I really comfortable to go spend the night with 8 guys I've just met?
"Yes!" I packed some clothes, pyjamas, underwear and bra, toothbrush, hair brush and some white converse. I took Jaime's hand and lead hi downstairs.
"I'm staying with some friends. I'll see you tomorrow." I told Dad, walking outside with no reply.
We arrived at Matt's house and we walked straight in.
"Hey guys!" I waved at everyone who were setting up pillows and blankets in the living room. I didn't know guys had sleepovers like this. I laughed as I imagined them all wearing dresses and putting makeup on each other.
"What's so funny?" Vic asked.
"Oh nothing," I waved it off.
"So, what movie do we wanna watch first?" Mike asked us, sitting on the floor in front of the DVD rack.
"Horror movies, please," I begged.
"A chic who likes horror movies? I like you even more," Tony smiled at me.
"Do you know Bonnie is not a virgin?" Thanks Jaime, now everyone is staring at me. How awkward...
"Anyway, what movie?" Thanks Austin.
"Can we watch Nightmare on Elm Street?" Matt asked.
"YES!" I shot up. they all looked at me.
"What? I like Johnny Depp," I shrugged.
"Okay, so who's getting drinks and lopcorn? I'm not," Wow, Alan. You're a lazy fucker.
"I will. You guys get everything set up," I told them.
"I'll help you," Oli took my arm and dragged me to Matt's kitchen.
"Popcorn in the cupboard. I'll make drinks," I nodded. I think Mike, Tony
and I were the only ones drinking alcohol tonight. I rechecked for the popcorn, but I was just to short. And Oli knew that the jerk.
"Here, let me get that for you," Oli's chest rubbed against my back and I froze in place. His arm reached above my head and grabbed the popcorn packet for me.
"Here you are love," he whispered, hot breath hitting my neck. I shivered and I could practically hear the smirk on his face.
"You knew I wouldn't be able to reach it," I whispered, turning around and putting my hand On his chest to seperate our bodies.
"Maybe I just wanted an excuse to get closer to you,"
"Why - "
"HURRY THE FUCK UP YOU TWO!" Matt yelled. I quickly jumped away from Oli and stuck the packet in the microwave and put it on. I helped Oli hand out drinks before getting the popcorn and pouring it into 2 bowls and placing them on the table. I sat against the arm of the couch and put my legs over Alan's and Matt's laps just as the movie started.
"I'm so pretty!" Mike giggled after I did his makeup. Mike, Tony and I were pretty pissed.
"I know!" I agreed.
"Bonnie, do you think I can fly?" Tony asked, standing on the edge of the couch. I walked up to him.
"I believe you can do whatever you put your mind to," I said seriously.
"I think I can fly," Tony nodded.
"Me too. Move over buddy," I stood next to him and we jumped off the couch together, flailing our arms. before we fell on a sleeping Austin.
"OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"HOLY SHIT! RUN!" I screamed as Austin started running after us. Lesson learned: Don't disturb Austin's sleep unless you want to die.
"Where do we go?!" I asked Tony desperately.
"The roof!" He stated proudly. We ran into this cellar thing, and then next thing I know, we were on the roof!
"You have to be careful!" I nodded my head and we crawled along the roof. We heard laughing and we looked up, seeing Mike in the tree.
"How the hell did you get up there?!"
"I climbed up here like a kitty! Meow!" Then Mike crawled down the tree like some possessd person and disappeared. Creepy.
"Bonnie! Tony! Why are you on the roof?!" Vic asked from below.
"Why are you not on the roof?" Tony sassed. Oh.
"Whatever! Guys, just get down!" Matt demaded.
"Okay!" Tony turned to me. "I think it's time to fly,"
"Yes!" We linked arms and sat in the gutter of the roof.
"Oh my god!" Jaime stared at us in disbelief.
"Guys, don't be stupid!" Oli snapped at us.
"Well, I'm a tired turtle. Ima fly tomorrow!" Tony hugged me and stumbled back into th cellar we came from.
"Good boy Tony!" Alan praised as Tony curled up on the ground next to them 2 minutes later. Mike was sitting there meowing like a crazy person.
"Bonnie! Get your ass down here now!"Austin scolded me.
"No! You said you were going to kill me! That doesn't sound to welcoming!"
"I'm not going to kill you!"
"Seriously Bonnie, get down," Matt is a bully.
"Never!"
"Bonnie! Get your ass down here right now or I'm coming up!" Oli is a bully too!
"Can I be a giraffe?"
"Of course you can honey, just get down!" Jaime answered me. I shrugged and stood up, getting ready to leave when I slipped.
"BONNIE!"The guys started screaming and yelling and I closed my eyes, waiting for the impact of the ground.
But it never came.
"Oh my god Bonnie!" I opened my eyes and seen Vic had me in his arms, now sitting me up and rocking me back and forth.
"Bon, are you okay? You scared us!" Tony demands. Now seeming fully sober and awake. i looked aRound and burst into tears.
"Hey, what's wrong!?" Oli asked.
"Jaime said I would be a giraffe! I'm not!"
"Haha! I'm still a cat! meow!" Mike licked my cheek before crawling inside the house and we followed him. Eww. I have Mike germs on my face.
January 7, 3:07pm, 2003
So I almost died by jumping off Matt's roof. I blame Tony and his dream to fly.
this is really good. Im in the middle of class and about to burst out laughing
3/6/15