"That was a good movie," I said as we left the theatre, my words getting interrupted by my big yawn.

"It was," Austin gave me a smile and draped his arm around my shoulders, leading me in the direction we had to walk to get back to the park. "You tired?" He looked down at me and I shrugged.

"Could go for a nap," I smiled. No, I could go for a real sleep. An actual one that is at least 7 hours long at best. Since last night I slept probably only a few. And same with any other nights I woke up alone, wrapped in my own arms.

^^

I was scrolling through my twitter on the couch in Austin's bus while he was in the back talking on the phone, with his Dad I think. Alan and the rest of the guys weren't here when we got back from the movie, so I just assume they are off doing their own thing somewhere.

The door sliding open to my left caught my attention and I turned my head to watch Austin stalk out, throwing his phone on the couch next to me. "Hey I think I'm gona go out to dinner with Vic, maybe Kell too," I said, barely looking up from my phone while he walked into the kitchen area, opening the small fridge. He let out a grunt, showing me that he heard me and I finally looked up. I was about to ask if he wanted to come, but the Monster in his hand distracted me. "How many of those do you have in a day?" I asked. Ever since he told me of his heart condition I've been more aware of all the energy drinks he has, Monster always being in his hands. I also googled it, finding that it's not the least bit healthy.

"I don't know, a couple." He grumbled, leaning against the counter.

I scowled and got up, pocketing my phone as I walked over to him. He had set it down next to him so I grabbed it, pouring the rest down the sink. It was one that was already open, so not much was in it. Austin tried to take it back, but didn't get to it in time. "That's not fair," he snapped.

"You want to die early? Then help yourself."

"Geez, Hazel," he huffed. "You're not my mother."

"Just looking out for you. You're the one with the heart condition," I reasoned with him.

"I'm fucking fine, aren't I?!" He yelled, slamming the empty can down on the counter, harder than I expected, making me jump lightly. I immediately flinched away, ready for impact on me, but nothing came. "Just go to your dinner with Vic," he pointed at the door after a minute, noticing my flinching, then ran a hand over his face.

I rolled my eyes at him, "I'm going to shower," I grumbled, turning away and walking back to the small bathroom. I shut the door a little harder than necessary when I got in there. I kept repeating 'stupid stupid stupid' in my head angrily, also trying not to cry. I've never been much of a crier, but I hated when someone was pissed at me or yelled at me, especially Austin, it bringing up tons of bad memories. And I'm running on barely any sleep right now.

I turned on the water, the knobs squeaking as I did, letting my hand test it until it was warm enough. I was about to pull my shirt off, but the sound of the door opening caught my attention. I put my hands back down at my sides, turning to watch Austin walk in a shut the door behind him. "I'm sorry I got angry. That isn't my reaction usually," his head hung. I crossed my arms and sighed. "I just got in a bad mood after talking with my Dad and then hearing you were going out to dinner with Vic and Kellin made me kind of jealous."

"I was gona ask you if you wanted to come," I mumbled.

He let out a sigh and stepped forward, putting a hand lightly on my face. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," I uncrossed my arms, letting one of my hands rest on the curve of his sides when I took a small step forward. I couldn't stay mad at him. "I'm sorry Austin," I mumbled. "I shouldn't ha-"

"Hey," he chuckled lightly, making me look up at him. "It's alright, you don't have to blame yourself."

I swallowed and nodded, even though I know I have to. I always do, always have. The seed Mark planted in my head that everything was always my fault grew into a tree that I keep inside of myself, branches poking to get out. One of those twigs being the secret I'm so helplessly keeping from Austin. So with that still inside me, everything that ever happens between Austin and I will always somehow be my fault. Because I am a shit person. Because I'm the one that hurts people. Because I'm the one that doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship.

Either way I shouldn't have gotten all cranky on Austin like that.

"Shower with me?" I asked lightly, wanting to make both of us feel better after are small fight. He gave me his perfect smile while hands went to my hips. They slid under my shirt and started hiking it up. I sighed contently at his touch, it distracting me from feeling so bad. I only always think about everything I'm keeping from him now and it makes me hate myself more and more, but for now on days like today, I did my best to forget it for the sake of both of our happinesses.

I raised my arms for him to lift my shirt up and tug it off easier, but his eyes halted on the ring dangling from the chain on my neck for a moment. He dropped my shirt on the floor and reached his hand out, barely touching the chain on my neck. I shook my head and reached up, putting my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down to me while he came closer, attaching his lips to my own delicately, luckily distracting him.

I could feel the passion in the kiss, making my heart stammer and my hand darted to his hips as his the back of my neck to keep me close to him, tongue parting my wet lips. I moaned at the feel and taste and touch of him, starting to raise his shirt up as well.

He had to break away from me to I could push his shirt off over his head. While taking in the beautiful view of him in front of me, I reached behind my back, unclasping my bra clip, letting it fall down my shoulders, his breath catching in his throat when I did. "Take your pants off," I said breathy too him, my voice in almost a whisper as I came back close to him. I wanted to show him what I felt. He did as I told, starting to undo his belt. I helped him slide down his black skinny jeans as I got down on my knees in front of him, eyes on the prize the whole time. The V leading down his toned chest being the neck victim my fingers chose to dance over.

I looked up at him with big eyes when my fingers went down and hooked on the top of his briefs, not breaking away from his big brown ones coated in lust when I pulled down his briefs as well.

His hardness was freed and I bit my lip at it, feeling myself grow wetter, especially when I wrapped my hand around his base. He let out a groan, it rumbling from deep in his chest. He gripped onto the back of my head, hand tangling in my hair, turning me on more. "Suck me, Haze," he growled and I had to bite back my own moan.

I smiled up at him before I gladly darted my tongue out, letting it run over the head of his hardness before taking him in my mouth. I hallowed out my cheeks to give him more pleasure, but as I took more of him in my mouth, that became harder to do.

I love hearing all the groans and moans that sneak out of Austin's mouth as I pleasure him, something I can only love to do. And I also loved when he started to take control, fucking my mouth, making me moan, the vibrations from my mouth only spiking his pleasure.

I worked the part of him that I couldn't take in my mouth with my hand that was still wrapped around his base, even stroking some fingers over his balls, feeling his hand tighten in my hair each time I did. Multiple cuss words spilled out of his mouth, and I could tell by his body language alone that he was close, but was completely surprised when he pulled out of my mouth and pulled me up. He attacked my lips with his, not caring where they had just been while his fingers hooked in my jeans, pulling my waste closer to him so he could undo my button.

His tongue was hurriedly dominating mine, my hands gripping onto his arm muscles as he started tugging down my jeans, taking my panties right with them. We both stepped out of our pants that were at our ankles and he lifted me up, pressing me into the back of the shower. The steam in this room was at a max as the hot water caressed our bodies.

My mouth fell agape, unable to produce my moans or screams when Austin lifted up one of my legs and thrusted inside of me. I just wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, gripping onto him, planting kisses over his shoulders and neck, and letting my body get swept up in pleasure. "Oh!" I dug my nails into Austin when he kept pounding into me, keeping me locked against his chest. "Aust!" I breathed out, him trailing small bites up my neck, sucking where he wanted to. My whole body was being taken over in pleasure. Becoming intoxicated with Austin.

"Fuck baby," Austin growled in my ear, making me shiver. His hands moved, caressing every inch of my body, touching everywhere, making my head spin. My whole body was tingling and after a little more touching, moaning, swearing, and biting, both of us were nearing our end.

The tingling started from my toes, making me curl them while I clung to Austin for dear life. The volume of my moaning increased and my body racked with shakes when I finally met my powerful release, crashing over me like waves.

Austin breathed out my name, the most perfect sound coming into my ear, making me shiver as he met his release in side of me.

I let my leg slide back down from Austin holding it up, but kept my arms around him while we both caught our breaths. He had buried his face in my neck earlier, so he started planting light kisses on it. "We should probably shower now, hm?" I mumbled, running my hands through his hair. "The waters been running for a while," I chuckled and Austin brought his head up to look at me. He gave me his cutest dorky smile and a peck on the lips, taking a step back so I could be free from him locking me against this wall.

Austin grabbed the bar of soap and started to rub it over his body, but I stopped him by putting my hand on his. "Let me, I love your body," I was honest with him for once.

He let me take the soap from him. "You do?" He asked, sounding a little unsure of himself as I ran the soap over his body. "Mhm, every inch of it," I responded easily.

He smiled. "Even my '7 foot long legs'?" he imitated me.

I chuckled, "yes, even your super long legs."

"But they're chicken legs!" He laughed.

"So? I love them!" I gave him a smile which he returned before leaning down. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips while taking the soap from my hands. "But you're so beautiful," he mumbled, working the soap over me. "What did I do so right?" He asked himself and I had to try to hide the frown on my face. That's the question I ask myself all the time with him, but the one he should never ask himself. Especially not now.

^^

"I need a nap," I pouted, climbing up in Austin's bunk, all cosy in the clothes he gave me of his to borrow. They smelt like him.

"C'mere then," he held his arms out to me and I gladly came over and snuggled up to him. He gave me a small smile and I could see the stress lines in his face. "Your Dad? Something wrong?" I asked, remembering when he told me his Dad put him in a bad mood.

"No, it's fine," he shook his head like he wanted to forget, looking down a little. I put one of my hands on his face, making him look at me. "I can tell thats something he said is bothering you. Spill."

He sighed when he met my eyes, "He just saw some pictures of us on his computer and started to say a bunch of shit.. Went off about how much he hates when I date other famous people because they just want to use me for fame or something."

This made me frown, "he thinks I'm using you for fame?" I sounded a little disgusted.

"No. Well, I mean, yes," He sighed. "I know you're not, Haze, and I told him that too. It's just the few relationships I had ended really shitty, and he doesn't want that to happen again."

I don't want that to happen either, but I gulped knowing that I should really tell him about Mark. "What happened? I-If you don't mind me asking."

He let out another sigh, shifting to hold me closer to him. "I was married once," he stated, shocking me a little bit. "Her name was Gielle," he paused for a moment, baring himself for the story he was about to tell and I stayed quiet, ready to listen. "It wasn't the greatest relationship, but we weren't married for too long. At least not long before she cheated on me."

How could anyone, and I mean anyone, cheat on someone in general, especially Austin?!

"She said at first it was because of my touring and music career, plus, the heat problem became too much for her, I guess, but when she found out she was pregnant with this other dudes baby, it was because she just was a bitch," he tried to laugh it off, but I could feel the hurt in it. And I was angry. I have never met this girl before but I already had a burning hate for her. I can't imagine the pain of being cheated on and left for someone else, especially when Austin was in the middle of dealing with his heart problem! "I got over her eventually, then I met Crissy. Nothin' special besides she was a bitch, too, and the moment we broke it off she was already on another guys dick."

He had my shirt balled up in his clenched fist and I leaned back to look at him, putting my hand on the side of his face, feeling his scruff. "I had no idea you went through that shit," I shook my head in disbelief. "I'm so sorry you had to."

He breathed out, relaxing a bit. "It's alright," he gave me a smile and leaned down, planting a light kiss on my forehead. "They're in the past."

I nodded and just looked into his eyes with adoration for a moment. He was so strong. So perfect to me. "Now, that nap?" He gave me a smile, which I returned and snuggled back up into him. "We have to be up in a few hours for that dinner with Vic and Kell," I mumbled sleepily.

"You don't have to bring me, Haze," he said, rubbing little circles on my arm.

I shifted so I was looking up at him for a moment. "What? Why? I want to."

"I don't want to be that way overly protective, jealous boyfriend. I trust you," He gave me a small smile and all I could do was nod to hide my frown.

"I'm gona go to the bathroom real quick, I forgot to pee," I said as convincing as I could and when Austin chuckled, I knew he bought it. I need some air. I need to get away for a minute so Austin doesn't see everything catching up to me.

I slid out of his arms and hopped out of the bunk, quietly making my way to the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against it momentarily before moving so I was looking in front of the mirror. Looking at the image of the girl who I've grown to hate. To become disgusted in.

Austin trusted me. He trusted me when he had every reason not to, when he shouldn't. When he had already gone through so much shit with relationships. He thought he was lucky when he shouldn't feel so. I'm a mess. I'm a fucking disgrace. I've always been. No one is lucky to be with me. No one is lucky to take my baggage or my secrets. Secrets that I haven't even told Austin! Secrets that no matter how much I should or know I need to, I probably won't tell!.. Austin's going to hate me. I'm going to put Austin through pain again. I've been trying to ignore these past few days that I'm lying to Austin! That I'm not a shit person!

Everything inside my head became too much and I had to put my hands on the edge of the sink to support my body as choked sobs came out. I was filled with so much self pity and hate that each tear seemed to burn as it rolled down my cheek silently.

"You're worthless!"

"You stupid bitch!"

"No one is going to want you! No one deserves you!"

Mark's words echoed inside my head, making the sobs that I tried so hard to keep quiet start to erupt, my body quivering.

Why can't I just tell Austin? Why can't I just end this whole damn mental battle with myself?!

Because I'll cause him pain. Because I'll most likely lose him. Because I'm scared.

I'm so fucking selfish.

I stood up straight again, needing to get out of this small bathroom before it collapses on me.

I wiped the back of my hands over my cheeks, trying to brush away the tears as much as I could, but they wouldn't stop coming. I had already been in here for way too long, and since Austin hadn't tried to come see what's up, he must be asleep, right?

Well that's what I told myself as I quietly exited the bathroom, tiptoeing out. When I got back to the bunk I stopped and looked at Austin. He had fallen asleep, looking so innocent and peaceful and amazing.

"No one deserves you!"

After the same thoughts and memories came back in my head, I turned and headed for the door before another sob could come out and I would wake Austin.

Notes

i don't really know the stories or austin's girlfriends so if you do don't get angry! I just used whatever for my story! I don't mean to bring down Crissy or Gielle!! I don't know much about them!!

So Hazel can't hold out much longer? She had kind of a break down/panic attack? When do you think Austin will find out? What do you think will happen?

I love you alallllalallll<3