Second Go
Tweets
“Did you see Austin’s latest Tweet?”
That name, that name still sent shivers down my spine and sent my heart racing. I made mad dash behind a clothing a shelving unit, pretending to look intensely at some bras on the wall while still being able to listen to the teenage girls behind me.
“No! What’d it say?” I could hear the pout in the young girl’s voice.
As I waited for her friend’s response I realized how stupid I was being. There I was, eavesdropping on two teenage girls in the middle of Hot Topic. Could I be anymore pathetic? I didn’t even know if they were talking about my Austin, I mean it is a common name. Your Austin, oh please Raegan, get a grip.
“Well I think Raegan definitely did something awful to him!”
And this is why you never second guess yourself. I slid my sunglasses down over my eyes hoping this would be enough to not be noticed by the girls.
“Poor baby! What did he tweet?” Her friend asked so worriedly.
“I’ll read it, hang on.”
I was practically tapping my foot waiting for her to pull up her Twitter.
“Here it is, ‘Going through my phone today I realized just how many relics of you are left. You seem so much happier now it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry.’ Can you believe that? What do you think she did to him?”
“She probably cheated on him! Stupid bitch…”
“His tweets have been so depressing lately. I just want him to be happy again…”
“I don’t know how anyone could hurt that perfect man. I thought Raegan was really cool, but I guess she’s just like Gielle.”
“What a fucking band slut…She’s been all over Alex Gaskarth again. I see it on Instagram all the time…”
“I know! Him and Jack! Austin’s better off without her honestly…”
I turned and made my way out of the store. What the girls were saying about me was nothing more than what I had read on the internet in the last month, or the last few years of my life. People had always called me a band whore because I was friends with band guys, always assuming I was sleeping with them. And then when I actually was sleeping with one, they had treated me like a queen. Now they all hate me again, believing it’s my fault that Austin’s so heartbroken.
But that was the farthest thing from my mind as I made my way through the mall and out to my car. Austin still had pictures of us in his phone, and videos. He still had my texts. He still had things that would remind him of me. And he knows I’m happy, which means he’s reading my tweets and seeing my pictures.
Truth was, when I had arrived in Baltimore over a month ago, the first thing I did was delete every single bit I had of him from my life. Any photos and videos I had of the two of us on my phone or computer had been stored on a USB, which Alex kept guarded safely. I had unfollowed him on Twitter and Instagram. I had also deleted his number from my phone, even though I knew it by heart.
He had tried calling and texting me a few times after I had left. The last time I had heard anything from him had been two weeks ago, he had texted me to tell me he finally saw a movie I had been telling him for months he had to see. I didn’t respond. I never responded. I hadn’t even talked to Alan or anyone else in the band.
And here I was finally getting back on my feet again and getting happy with life and he’s still thinking about me.
I climbed in my car and dialed Alex’s number.
“What Rae?” He mumbled half asleep.
“You are not sleeping right now!” I said surprised. “It’s gotta be like 6 PM there!”
“What happened Rae?” He asked with a laugh.
“Okay, so I just overheard these girls talking about Austin in Hot Topic…” I said explaining the entire story to him.
“I think that you’re over thinking things and you need to find some girl friends to talk about this stuff with…”
“Alex! Not funny!” I said pulling into the parking lot of my apartment. “Is it bad if I go in the house and stalk all his social networking sites?” I asked biting my lip.
“Yeah, it’s a little ridiculous.” Alex said with a laugh.
“Don’t care. Play a good show tonight! Love you! Bye!” I said hanging up and climbing out of my car.
I walked up the steps to my apartment and let myself inside. I had moved back to California and I had a steady job at the local Forever 21 and was looking at schools to apply to in the fall. I was back to working on music and being happy and that was something. For the first time in three years I was finally feeling happy with myself and with my life. I had goals and a future planned out.
And here I was on the coach with a jar of Nutella searching ‘Austin Carlile’ on Twitter.
Most of his tweets were about the band, and how much he loved them. Some about the fans and a few about what he was doing. It wasn’t hard to pick out the ones about me.
@austincarlile: Were you a mistake or did I make one?
@austincarlile: Scarred you for life, please come back to me, Down on my knees, repeating apologies
@austincarlile: I miss waking up to you every morning
@austincarlile: You’ve either moved on or hate me because you never answer my calls
@austincarlile: Those last words you spoke to me have been haunting me for weeks
Sighing heavily I bit my lip. I couldn’t lie, I missed him too. I missed him terribly. But I was done. That ship had sailed and I had been so much happier in the last month without him than I had been with him.
I couldn’t stop myself from checking his Instagram too. There was one picture from three weeks ago of me, him and Alan. The three of us had gone to see some movie together and Austin had taken the picture right before it of the three of us in our 3D glasses making funny faces. The caption was “#TBT with my dude @alanashby”
I missed Alan. I really did. Hell I missed all the guys, and being on the road with them.
@RaeJones: @AlanAshby Where are you? I miss you….aka I need some ginger in my life
@AlanAshby: @RaeJones WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????? Text me!
Sending him a text that simply said “Hi” with a smiling cat emoji, I screenshotted it and tweeted it to him.
We texted for a bit and as soon as I mentioned I was back in California, my phone was ringing.
“Rae, you can’t just casually namedrop the fact you’re in fucking California again! Where are you?”
“Newport Beach…” I said with a laugh.
“I got in place in Long Beach. I’m having a little get together this weekend, so you’re coming.”
“I’ll only go if Austin isn’t there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure when you’re here. He isn’t there.” Alan said with a heavy sigh.
That name, that name still sent shivers down my spine and sent my heart racing. I made mad dash behind a clothing a shelving unit, pretending to look intensely at some bras on the wall while still being able to listen to the teenage girls behind me.
“No! What’d it say?” I could hear the pout in the young girl’s voice.
As I waited for her friend’s response I realized how stupid I was being. There I was, eavesdropping on two teenage girls in the middle of Hot Topic. Could I be anymore pathetic? I didn’t even know if they were talking about my Austin, I mean it is a common name. Your Austin, oh please Raegan, get a grip.
“Well I think Raegan definitely did something awful to him!”
And this is why you never second guess yourself. I slid my sunglasses down over my eyes hoping this would be enough to not be noticed by the girls.
“Poor baby! What did he tweet?” Her friend asked so worriedly.
“I’ll read it, hang on.”
I was practically tapping my foot waiting for her to pull up her Twitter.
“Here it is, ‘Going through my phone today I realized just how many relics of you are left. You seem so much happier now it breaks my heart. I'm so sorry.’ Can you believe that? What do you think she did to him?”
“She probably cheated on him! Stupid bitch…”
“His tweets have been so depressing lately. I just want him to be happy again…”
“I don’t know how anyone could hurt that perfect man. I thought Raegan was really cool, but I guess she’s just like Gielle.”
“What a fucking band slut…She’s been all over Alex Gaskarth again. I see it on Instagram all the time…”
“I know! Him and Jack! Austin’s better off without her honestly…”
I turned and made my way out of the store. What the girls were saying about me was nothing more than what I had read on the internet in the last month, or the last few years of my life. People had always called me a band whore because I was friends with band guys, always assuming I was sleeping with them. And then when I actually was sleeping with one, they had treated me like a queen. Now they all hate me again, believing it’s my fault that Austin’s so heartbroken.
But that was the farthest thing from my mind as I made my way through the mall and out to my car. Austin still had pictures of us in his phone, and videos. He still had my texts. He still had things that would remind him of me. And he knows I’m happy, which means he’s reading my tweets and seeing my pictures.
Truth was, when I had arrived in Baltimore over a month ago, the first thing I did was delete every single bit I had of him from my life. Any photos and videos I had of the two of us on my phone or computer had been stored on a USB, which Alex kept guarded safely. I had unfollowed him on Twitter and Instagram. I had also deleted his number from my phone, even though I knew it by heart.
He had tried calling and texting me a few times after I had left. The last time I had heard anything from him had been two weeks ago, he had texted me to tell me he finally saw a movie I had been telling him for months he had to see. I didn’t respond. I never responded. I hadn’t even talked to Alan or anyone else in the band.
And here I was finally getting back on my feet again and getting happy with life and he’s still thinking about me.
I climbed in my car and dialed Alex’s number.
“What Rae?” He mumbled half asleep.
“You are not sleeping right now!” I said surprised. “It’s gotta be like 6 PM there!”
“What happened Rae?” He asked with a laugh.
“Okay, so I just overheard these girls talking about Austin in Hot Topic…” I said explaining the entire story to him.
“I think that you’re over thinking things and you need to find some girl friends to talk about this stuff with…”
“Alex! Not funny!” I said pulling into the parking lot of my apartment. “Is it bad if I go in the house and stalk all his social networking sites?” I asked biting my lip.
“Yeah, it’s a little ridiculous.” Alex said with a laugh.
“Don’t care. Play a good show tonight! Love you! Bye!” I said hanging up and climbing out of my car.
I walked up the steps to my apartment and let myself inside. I had moved back to California and I had a steady job at the local Forever 21 and was looking at schools to apply to in the fall. I was back to working on music and being happy and that was something. For the first time in three years I was finally feeling happy with myself and with my life. I had goals and a future planned out.
And here I was on the coach with a jar of Nutella searching ‘Austin Carlile’ on Twitter.
Most of his tweets were about the band, and how much he loved them. Some about the fans and a few about what he was doing. It wasn’t hard to pick out the ones about me.
@austincarlile: Were you a mistake or did I make one?
@austincarlile: Scarred you for life, please come back to me, Down on my knees, repeating apologies
@austincarlile: I miss waking up to you every morning
@austincarlile: You’ve either moved on or hate me because you never answer my calls
@austincarlile: Those last words you spoke to me have been haunting me for weeks
Sighing heavily I bit my lip. I couldn’t lie, I missed him too. I missed him terribly. But I was done. That ship had sailed and I had been so much happier in the last month without him than I had been with him.
I couldn’t stop myself from checking his Instagram too. There was one picture from three weeks ago of me, him and Alan. The three of us had gone to see some movie together and Austin had taken the picture right before it of the three of us in our 3D glasses making funny faces. The caption was “#TBT with my dude @alanashby”
I missed Alan. I really did. Hell I missed all the guys, and being on the road with them.
@RaeJones: @AlanAshby Where are you? I miss you….aka I need some ginger in my life
@AlanAshby: @RaeJones WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????? Text me!
Sending him a text that simply said “Hi” with a smiling cat emoji, I screenshotted it and tweeted it to him.
We texted for a bit and as soon as I mentioned I was back in California, my phone was ringing.
“Rae, you can’t just casually namedrop the fact you’re in fucking California again! Where are you?”
“Newport Beach…” I said with a laugh.
“I got in place in Long Beach. I’m having a little get together this weekend, so you’re coming.”
“I’ll only go if Austin isn’t there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure when you’re here. He isn’t there.” Alan said with a heavy sigh.
No it's cool! I know I've left you all with baited breath! I just couldn't think of a way to let you guys know it'd be up a little late. But don't worry!! :)
11/11/13