Navy Blue Eyes

Light filtered in from the dirty window over Rowan’s head, warming her skin slowly. It was early, the light blue through the tinted glass, and she had only managed to force herself into two and a half hours of nightmare-filled slumber. She watched distantly as Ricky turned over on the couch again, clearly uncomfortable, before returning to gazing listlessly at the window pane. She now regretted ditching her purse in the bus, she hadn’t been in a right mind and was somehow convinced that bringing her phone would result in Kellin tracking her down, or worse… Tanner.

His name sent a thrill of fear through her. In reality, she knew she’d faced much worse by men much more intimidating, but that didn’t seem to matter. All logic was abandoned in the face of suffering. Rowan also, as she had been doing all night, reminded herself that he was left in the dirt, they were somewhere far away by now. Every mile, every bump in the road, every jostle of switching lanes, was a small comfort to her.

She wondered—somewhat begrudgingly—what Kellin was doing now. She’d admitted to herself that she needed him, she was fairly certain that was a fact that would never diminish in her life, but that by no means meant she forgave him. Rowan knew she’d acted out the night before, she blamed herself entirely for what had happened. It was all her fault. But she still felt betrayed, she still felt that the trust he’d worked so hard to coax her into building was crumbling, if not fallen completely. Perhaps to any normal person seeing their parent as only human wouldn’t be that big of an ordeal, but to a girl whose entire childhood was based on being raised by monsters, the loss of the image of Kellin that had been smashed the night before was devastating. She not only needed Kellin, she needed him to be her rock. She needed him to be her constant. She hated herself for acknowledging her weakness, but she was in too much of a mess to deny it.

What truly pained her the most was that Kellin knew. He was in fact the only person in the whole world who knew all of it. Or, at least, he knew more than any one else in her life ever had. She’d sat awake with him in the middle of the night, too afraid to let herself sleep for fear of her night-terrors, he’d asked her questions and she’d answered them with the utmost honesty. He’d heard the story of the time she was beaten within an inch of her life at the hands of Scott, and how she hadn’t let anyone touch her for the whole month’s hospital stay it took to recuperate. He’d consoled her on the floor of the bathroom at two in the morning, holding her hair and allowing her to lay her head on his lap as her stomach rebelled against the new intake amounts, and he’d let her break down in his arms more often than she thought was possible. He knew it all, yet he went ahead and did the thing that fucked her up the most anyway.

Rowan tried to make various excuses for him: But I upset him; but he might’ve been pressured to drink; but it was my fault; but I ran away; but he’s so stressed out; but it’s part of his job; but it was just for fun; but he didn’t mean to hurt me. However, each was more feeble than the last in her mind. Nothing was truly a worthy excuse.

Still, it was all her fault. No matter what, she’d have to live with that. She was almost positive that no matter the severity of his hangover, Kellin would wake and call her social worker. It was over now. She’d done herself in. He was surely calling Kate and Rowan’s team to ask to move her to a foster home. She mentally readied herself to return to enduring the type of pain she’d grown up with. She’d lived her whole life without him, she would do it again. She would handle the beatings and the assaults, she knew what went on in foster homes, and it was all her fault anyway.

Physical pain, whatever degree of intensity it was delivered in, was something she was accustomed to. This type of deep emotional agony? She was totally unprepared. She felt as if she was drowning, her lungs screaming out for what they needed but she was unable to give it to them. She would never feel that security again, the safety of curling into Kellin’s chest and hearing the way his heartbeat was a natural metronome as he sang her to sleep.

Unsure how quickly time could fly when you’re mentally torturing yourself, Rowan was surprised when she heard clanking from the kitchen area. Propping herself up, she found Chris to be standing at the small Keurig, his body slumped tiredly against the fridge. He caught her eye and smiled, which quickly morphed into a yawn, “Mworning.”

Rowan nodded, embarrassed about her behavior the prior night and unsure how to act around him now. “Morning.”

Deciding she couldn’t continue to lay on her back and run herself ragged inside, she pushed herself to her feet. Rowan felt unsteady, needing to sit again immediately.

“Whoa, you alright?” Chris asked, blinking his tired eyes quickly in an attempt to rouse enough to help her, but she waved him off. Was it the fact that she had skipped two doses of her meds now? Or the fact that she hadn’t eaten since… when was it? Yesterday at breakfast? She couldn’t really remember. Still, nauseas or not, Rowan reveled in the feeling of emptiness that filled her stomach. The butterflies that battered her insides brought her a sick sort of comfort.

“I’m fine, just still getting used to waking up in a moving vehicle,” she lied, the deception falling from her lips like sugar atop a cake.

“Right,” Chris said, his tone making it difficult for Rowan to decipher whether or not he bought her fiction. “Hungry?” he mumbled, sleep still thick on his tongue.

“Nah,” she shrugged, “I ate a big dinner last night. I’ll wait for lunch.”

Rowan was struck by an odd sense of… wait, was that guilt? Perhaps she’d slowly grown unaccustomed to lying to others? She used to do so without an ounce of remorse, but now she felt uncomfortable. She looked for any excuse to change the subject, but when Chris spoke she regretted that thought.

“So, Vic Fuentes called me this morning,” he stated, sipping from his steaming mug full of coffee and some sweet smelling creamer.

“Oh?” Rowan replied casually, “What’s he up to?”

“He said he needed to speak with you when you woke up,” Chris answered, his forehead creasing over the top of the mug as he took another gulp.

“Right,” she sighed, rolling her eyes at his interference. Really, she wasn’t upset with Vic. He was sober. And moreover, he’d been trying to chase her down to help where Kellin had been chasing her off with hurt. Nevertheless, she knew anything she said to him would likely leak straight through to Kellin. “D’you mind if I use your phone then?”

“Sure,” Chris reached into the pocket of his hoodie, something he seemed to have added to a pair of boxers for Rowan’s benefit. In reality Rowan was growing weirdly used to living in a bus full of men with no regard for personal boundaries, boxers were more common to her than fully-clothed men at this point. The thought made her chuckle lowly, something that caused Chris to shoot her another odd look. She shook her head, dismissing his silent insinuation of her insanity, and accepted his phone. “I’ve gotta go see if the schedule’s gone out.”

He left the room, though he and Rowan both knew schedules weren’t handed out until the bus was parked and the tour was being set up by the roadies. Ricky was still snoring lightly, making this as close to alone as she could get to make the call in such a small area.

She found it was already unlocked and open to Vic’s contact, making her curious as to exactly what time he’d called. Rowan felt a tad sly as she switched over to Chris’s recents but she had to know. Written in red she saw “Vic Fuentes [PTV]: Missed Call (5) & Voicemail (4)” and clicked it. It showed the time of each call, 4:01 AM, 4:33 AM, 4:57 AM, 5:14 AM. Finally, there was a return call from Chris to Vic at 5:16 AM. She winced at the thought of Chris needing to be badgered with calls that early. Feeling dirtier by the second for intruding on his hospitality, Rowan looked to see three voicemails from Vic.

The first was from the 4:01 call, “Hey, man, it’s Vic. I know it’s really early. Or late, I dunno when you guys went to sleep but… Beau said that Sabrina, Allie, and Ryan Ashley stayed over with Lights last night, and Ryan told Lights who told Beau that Josh told her that Kellin’s daughter was with you guys last night? That she stayed on your bus? Anyway, she has an allergy and needs a medication every morning and night, which she apparently forgot. So… if you can call me whenever you get this that’d be great. Thanks.”

Rowan swallowed back a tidal wave of emotions as she clicked the next message, one left at 4:57. “Hey, again. It’s Vic… again. So, I wasn’t sure if you heard my last message but I realized I forgot to say that if you can’t get me then try Kellin, I’ll text you his contact in case you don’t have it. Or any of my band members, or my tour manager. Or any of Sleeping With Sirens. She really needs her medication, so call as soon as you can.”

The last message was hardest to hear. She pressed it, it was left at 5:14. “Hey, Chris.” The voice was not Vic’s but Kellin’s. Rowan pulled the cell from her ear to see it was still from Vic’s number. She wasn’t sure how Kellin had even gotten to Vic since the buses were still moving at that time. Unless he had them stop, a thought that mortified Rowan. “It’s Kellin. I know Rowan’s there and, I mean, I’m not mad or anything. I’m really grateful, actually. And I’m not mad at her either. I just… I gotta know what’s going on with her. Please. She… ran off last night. Some shit went down and… I just really need to talk to her as soon as possible. Thank you, again, for keeping her safe.”

Rowan was compelled to throw the device pinched between numbing fingers at the wall, but luckily realized in time that it was not only Chris’s phone but it would make quite a loud bang, one certain to draw all eyes to her. She took deep breaths, looking at the current time. 5:49 AM. Was it safe to call? Would Vic answer? Or would it be Kellin? She wasn’t sure what she’d say to him. She was almost positive that whatever would come out of her mouth wouldn’t be for the ears of those on the bus. She hesitated, should she or shouldn’t she?

Deciding she had to talk to someone in order to quell their ridiculous fears, she pressed Call Back before she had time to stop herself.

Ring, Ri– “Rowan?”

Her breath caught, she instantly wanted to hang up, but she forced herself not to do so. “Yeah,” she said coldly.

“Thank god,” Vic replied, his sigh of relief audible through the phone.

“Am I on speaker?” she asked, cutting past the pleasantries, her tone dry.

“No,” Vic replied, his voice withdrawn as he felt her anger and pain through her words.

“Is he there?” she verified, not one to be duped. She was in no mood to deal with it.

“He’s in my bunk, I told him to try and get some rest. We thought it’d be a while before you woke up,” Vic explained patiently, “I’m on the couch. He– he can’t hear me.”

Rowan almost felt bad for taking this out of Vic, but she had little room for pity when she was so full of illness. “Okay,” she replied curtly, clearly not in any state to have a chat. “Why’d you call?”

“Well–” he sounded taken aback at her rudeness, even more so by her apparent lack of awareness of her own predicament. “Well, we wanted to know that you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” she snapped, “and I think I’ll hang out with Chris and the guys for the day.” She knew she’d be uncomfortable with them to a certain extent, but the thought of going back to Kellin seemed next to unbearable.

“Oh, well, okay. I guess. But–” Vic’s words were flustered, not handling her attitude well in the midst of his concern for her wellbeing.

“I’ll ask to be sure it’s okay,” she butted in.

“Oh, great. I’m sure Kellin won’t have a problem, he’ll just be glad you’re talking to him at all I think–”

“No,” she cut him off, “I meant I’d ask Chris. Anyway, I might try to sleep a bit until we get to the venue so–”

This time it was his turn to stop her short. “Wait. Hold on a minute, kid. Check your attitude at the door, I’m not calling to talk because I want to force you to do anything you’re not okay with doing. It’s your business when you’re ready to talk to him, all I care is that you’re safe and that you aren’t doing something that will break my heart and his.”

Rowan was now at a loss for words, swallowing thickly to keep her feelings at bay. This was no time to act like a child, she refused to break down yet again and confess her deepest thoughts. Sure, she wasn’t mad at Vic directly, but the fact remained that she didn’t want to be having this conversation. She didn’t think it was fair at all to have to report your whereabouts and health to someone you’d rather not converse with.

“Okay,” was all she could say at first. Then, after a pause filled only with their patterned breaths, she sighed. “Can you pack me a change of clothes and bring it to Motionless’s bus when we land?”

“You need more than clothes, babe,” he said. Rowan disliked the implication of her medication being forced upon her. There was the chance that taking it would make her want to eat. There was also the chance that Vic had told Chris to make sure she ate. Or that she couldn’t be left in the bathroom alone for too long. Or that she wasn’t aloud near things she could use to hurt herself with. Or that she was supposed to talk about what was going on in her head.

“I’ll be fine for a day, Vic.”

“Ro, just let me bring the meds. Your life means more than just a day.”

Rowan flinched again, wanting to scream at him that her life meant next to nothing to her now. She didn’t care if she slipped and fell off a skyscraper, she didn’t care.

“Do what you want, you’re an adult.” Rowan wanted to leave it at that, but she felt there was more to be said. Or rather, more to be heard.

“Rowan, he feels horrible about it. He… he let things get out of hand. I know, I know. It’s just a pathetic excuse, but I think you should hear him out. Just, let me put him on. Just let him know you’re alright. That you don’t hate him.”

Part of Rowan thought, ‘Why would I hate him? It’s my fault anyway.’But on the other hand, she wanted to make Kellin suffer. If even for just a day. She didn’t want to kiss his boo boo and make it all better. He was a grown man and he needed to deal with what he’d done.

“No, Vic. Not right now. I… I can’t.” She decided to leave it there, not trusting herself to remain strong in her convictions if he tried even one more time to convince her. She wanted to hear his voice too. She wanted him to tell her he was sorry. She wanted to say it was okay. But if she did she’d be opening herself up to the hurt that was inevitable when he admitted that, sorry or not, he was tired of dealing with her. “I’ll see you in a little while. Bye.”

“Love you, Ro.”

Choking on her own emotions, Rowan coughed uncomfortably, “You too.”

∞
Knock, knock. “Hey, man, c’mon in.”

Rowan heard Chris’s voice from inside the bathroom, sucking in a slow, deep breath in preparation for what was to come.

“She’s just in the bathroom,” Chris went on after Vic’s greeting, and Rowan knew Vic would be assuming she was doing something ‘dangerous’. Not that she hadn’t considered doing so, but she withheld as she knew he would be watching.

Rowan popped open the door, emerging from the bathroom with the expression of one approaching the gallows.

“Ro,” Vic breathed, setting the bag he carried on the couch in order to wrap his arms around her as if they were long lost relatives.

“It’s been less than twelve hours, Vic,” she mumbled into the embrace, embarrassed to be fawned over in Chris’s presence, she wasn't a child.

“I wouldn't be so worried if–” but he cut himself short, somehow sensing her discomfort with Chris in the room. “Yeah, sorry,” he went on, pulling back to smile softly at her, “anyway… I brought a change of clothes and… stuff.”

“I’m gonna go help Sabrina set up our tent,” Chris excused himself once again right on cue. Rowan respected his ability to tell when she needed privacy, a quality Vic didn't seem to possess currently. The rest of his band had already vacated the bus with various excuses, leaving just Rowan and Vic.

“Are you alright?” Vic prodded fervently, as he got onto his knees to better see her, his eyes scanning her for some sign of discomfort. There were scratches littering her arms but he couldn't discern the cause without asking her and he hoped she'd talk without being forced. Other than that, her only visible wounds were her bloodshot eyes.

“Yeah,” she responded without pause, then attempted to distract him by asking, “what clothes did you bring?”

“I had Jenna pack it, I thought she might know a little better,” Vic shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly while passing her the bag. Rowan found tights, shorts, a tank she'd gotten with Kate, and her comfy boots. She also saw the small baggie from her suitcase that held eyeliner and mascara, sadly there was no concealer. How would she cover her skin? Maybe she could ask a Motionless guy to borrow some sort of hoodie. “I hope it's okay.”

“It’s great, thanks.” Rowan looked for any reason to remove herself from the situation. “I guess I'll change then…”

“Hold up,” his hand quickly blocked her exit by wrapping around her wrist, it stung from how raw she’d scratched it but she hid any sign of flinching with a hard look, “we need to talk.”

“About what?” she huffed, angrily following against her will as he drug her to the same couch she’d practically broken down on more than once throughout the night.

“You know what,” he sighed, “let me see.”

“See what?” Rowan quipped, folding her arms across her chest with an annoyed expression, hoping to deter him.

“Don't,” he warned, a hint of pleading in his voice, “don't do this. Just lemme see.”

Rowan’s sapphire orbs were as hard and sharp as a shard of glass, boring into Vic’s warm, concerned gaze. She made no move to respond so, with one last look of begging, Vic pried her hands away from her body. “Ro.” The word came from his partially open lips with an exhale, as if it slipped out without permission, as involuntary as a sob.

“You… You need this cleaned up,” he stammered, clearly trying to calmly process and react thoughtfully, either not wanting to upset her or not wanting to admit it to himself.

“It’s just a little scratch, I already washed them off and put Neosporin on it,” Rowan looked down at her forearms as they rested reluctantly on Vic’s upturned palms. They were scarlet, aggravated where she’d clawed at her own skin, dozens of pink streaks from nails were drug in every direction, highlighting her already scarred skin. She could see how Vic might worry but really, it could be so much worse. It would be, if it weren't for Ricky, Josh, and the others. “What do you wanna talk about, anyway?”

“What happened last night? Where were you? How did you get back? Where were you going when you left?” Vic rattled off one question after another, giving Rowan no time to get a word in edgewise. She chuckled softly to herself as his words spiraled out, rolling her eyes. Vic stopped short at the sound, as surprised to hear her laugh as Rowan was to have laughed in the first place. It was quiet a moment before she sighed in resignation, knowing she’d have to answer some time.

“I don't want to talk about it,” she tried, but he looked less than impressed at that. Rowan looked to her hands, the sleeves of the Jack Skellington pajamas twisting between her fingers nervously, “I'm not sure how much I can go through this again safely.”

“I get that, but you need to tell someone. And I'm here. So go ahead, just tell me what you can. I want to understand,” Vic's voice cracked, sending a shiver down Rowan’s spine as she realized the severity of her impact on him. She almost let herself feel bad and picture Kellin this distraught, but she stopped herself. If she was going to talk about this she’d need to be as calm as possible.

“Tanner was… not what I expected…” she began, but Vic broke in.

“Did he touch you?” his voice was appalled and she could feel Vic’s animosity for the guy bubbling up.

“No, no. Nothing like that.” She shook her head, looking to him as if in disagreement, when in reality she was shaking the image from her head of Tanner mumbling words of hollow comfort on her violated skin. “I just… don't think I'm as ready as I wanted to be. I wanted to be strong enough to go do something normal people my age do, I wanted to be able to have a… friend my own age. I've never had one before. But I'm not strong enough. I couldn't. And so I come back to the bus to find Kellin. I wanted… I don't know. I just thought I should come back. And then I saw it was hectic and Kell was busy so I thought I'd take a walk. Then I guess I got lost, and Josh said I could stay here for the night.”

Vic observed her with sad eyes, knowing most of the answer had been lies. He’d seen her frantic and pained eyes, he’d watched her flee the scene in a panic, but he also knew she wouldn't speak about it until she was ready to. “But how did you get back to the venue? The girls went out to dinner to wait for your call but they said they didn't get one. Not until Josh called his girlfriend. They'd been out looking for you.”

Rowan flinched at the thought of the girls out driving around at night just to look for her. It was her fault. All her fault. If she’d just stayed with Tanner. She could've just told him no, or just let him do what he wanted. All of this shit wouldn't have happened. She knew her body was tainted with things against her wishes, would it have been so bad to let one more thing slip? It would have saved everyone so much trouble! “I walked,” she replied blankly. “Can I go get dressed now?”

“I– I just–” Vic sighed heavily, “yeah, okay. I'll turn around.”

“I’ve got stuff I can't do out here…” Rowan told him wryly, watching the confusion on his face.

“Like what?” he asked stupidly, then it dawned on him and he blushed, “Right. Okay, I'll just… stand outside the door then.”

Rowan felt this was excessive but didn't want to fight him and appear to be hiding something, so she entered the bathroom and left Vic waiting outside. She changed into the clothes, her bracelets from the night before her scars’ only shield from invasive eyes. When she was done she opened the door and allowed Vic in the small closet of a toilet. He set the final contents of her bag on the counter, making Rowan's stomach twist in anticipation. He fumbled with the syringe a moment before Rowan grew impatient and took it from him, recalling Kellin’s motions as he'd prepped her medication many times before. When it was ready she looked at him, only to find Vic gnawing on his bottom lip, clearly nervous about the prospect of giving her the shot.

“Have you ever given a shot before?” she asked, able to keep her own anxiety from her voice. He shook his head, no.

“I watched a bunch of YouTube videos though,” he supplied, hoping to calm her fear. It didn't help.

“I think I can do it myself,” Rowan said, aiming the needle at her stomach after pinching her skin up and holding the hem of her top under her chin to clear the way.

“Just let me call him, please. Just for a minute, he can come do this and then leave, no problem!” Vic’s eyes spoke of his discomfort and panic, but Rowan’s glared back with determined disagreement.

“No,” she all but growled, her heart in her throat. “Either you do it or I will. That's it.”

“I’ll do it,” he decided, his own gaze now fixed as he nodded once, tersely. She passed the syringe back to him while he knelt, helping him point it directly at the skin she told him to pinch. He paused, looking up at her through dark lashes, “Does it hurt?” he asked, reminding her of a small child scared to go down the big slide. She realized the intensity of the moment, the fact that she was letting him in, letting him have this level of power over her. The only other person she allowed to give her the injection had been Kellin, he was the only person she'd ever trusted enough. Pushing any such thoughts far away, she shrugged lightly.

“No one likes shots, Vic. But they're important or whatever so we put up with it,” this apparently wasn't the right thing to say because Vic looked down at his hands awkwardly. “It’s fine,” she added, her voice full of false promise, “just do it.” Vic started to close his eyes in fear and preparation, causing Rowan to laugh, “Don't close your eyes!”

“Right, right,” he said, nodding furiously as his coffee-irises began to burn holes in her stomach, now scared to so much as blink. It made Rowan want to giggle again, though the feeling was distant. “Here we go… okay… this is it…” he stalled, each time squinting harder at the poised needle. Rowan threw the hand that wasn't holding her shirt up in frustration, finding the whole ordeal somehow comical.

“Dear God man,” she groaned, rolling her eyes, “just DO IT!” She almost yelped as she felt the pinch of the needle, not expecting it. She looked down in shock as the syringe protruded from her stomach, her eyes meeting Vic’s equally surprised ones. “What the fuck?”

“You scared me!” he cried, his hands frozen in place as they exchanged expressions of astonishment.

“Well, push the plunger! There's a needle stuck in my stomach!” she whined back, her pulse pounding.

“Okay! Right! Okay!” Vic gushed, his fingers fumbling to push the plunger and actually deliver the medication.

“Ow!” Rowan jumped as the needle was knocked askew, still lodged in her skin, “Move! Let me!”

“I’ve almost got it!” Vic argued, batting her hands away and moving to administer the shot. He finally got it stuck between his fingers, quickly pushing the plunger until the clear liquid had disappeared into Rowan's body. Relieved, he pulled the syringe from her skin and set it on the counter. Both of them exhausted, Vic let his forehead fall against her concave stomach, trying to block the thought of how many of her ribs were visible. She looked better than she had the first time he'd seen her, she was nothing but bones and stitches in a hospital gown that day, but the image of her scratched and scarred skin was enough to make his own stomach do flips.

Rowan found herself smiling, she put a hand on top of Vic’s beanie-glad head as a small form of affection. She was grateful to him, he cared more than most, but she also felt oddly compelled to laugh. And she did. It started as a soft giggle, mostly for herself, but then it grew into something stronger as the laughter made her stomach tremble and therefore alerted Vic. He looked up at her, seeing her grin, and began to chuckle along. Soon they were both laughing to the point of almost-hysteria, Rowan sank to her knees so that both were eye-to-eye and their guffaws were mutual and unabashed.

They were both running low on air, now leaning against the faux-wood wall of the bathroom, and we're struggling to breathe. “Ar– are you okay?” Vic asked through the madness, “Did the shot work?”

“I– I think so,” she nodded, wiping tears of mirth from beneath her eyes, “I’m good.”

“Good!” Vic chortled, trying to regain control of his brief lapse in sanity, “I knew I shoulda played darts with Mikey more.”

This triggered another quick break of ridiculousness, stopped this time by Rowan, sucking in deep gulps of air. “Okay, okay, I have to pee now!”

Vic took equally ragged breaths as he fought to stand, catching how pink his skin was in the reflection, and offered his hand to help her up. Rowan’s movements were shaky as well but with both of their faces cracked with wide grins, he could hardly remember what she looked like angry. “Okay, I’m right out here when you're done.”

Vic watched her close the door, busying himself with his phone, and texted Kellin.


To Kellybear:
Gave her the meds, went good. She seems okay, just really anxious and


The reply came within a heartbeat of pressing Send.


From Kellybear:
And what??????!!

To Kellybear:
She's scratched her arms up pretty bad


Vic had a hard time comprehending the feeling but he couldn't deny his shoulders were weighted with guilt. He felt like he was somehow betraying Rowan by divulging this information to her father when she obviously wanted to keep it to herself. Still, he was doing this for her benefit in the long run. He was being the mature adult here. Right?


From Kellybear:
Wtf?!
How???


Vic pulled a long sigh through his nose, not knowing how best to discuss this.


To Kellybear:
I'm about to come back to you. She wants to hang out with MIW for the day. I'll explain more later


Vic locked his phone just in time for the door to open, revealing Rowan still fresh-faced from their attack, her cheeks pink and grin wild.

“Hey,” she greeted him, and he was relieved to hear that there were no undertones of hostility or fury.

“Hey,” he repeated. “So, your hardpass and your phone are with the stuff I brought, keep them close. And please respond when I text or something, and let me know what's going on with you. I'll see you around the venue I’m sure.” There was an awkwardly silent beat before Rowan nodded. “Okay, I’ll walk you to the Motionless tent then.”

The journey to find Chris was still uncomfortable and Rowan stepped up her pace in hopes of reaching him faster, Vic nearly tripping to keep up. “Chris,” she called out, the gratitude and discomfort in her voice evident even from a distance as he waved back. He was leaning casually against the tent leg, allowing it to support his weight as he chatted animatedly with Sabrina. Vic caught up with Rowan just as she stopped outside of the tent, her grin now as translucent and chilled as frosted windows. Though Vic supposed most might not notice it for its falseness. “I have a question,” Rowan began, her eyes flickering almost imperceptibly back to Vic, “are you and the guys busy today?”

“Not particularly, just our show and signing actually, why?” he replied, his sunglasses shoved up to hold his black hair from his eyes as they squinted in the morning sun.

Suddenly shy, she toyed with the hem of her shorts, avoiding direct eye-contact. “Could I– I mean, would you mind if I… tagged along?”

“Of course not!” Chris gushed, happy to see that she’d changed a bit since the night before. She looked awake, alive, and present. “If that’s alright?” he added, directing the question to Vic.

“Yeah,” Vic answered on Kellin’s behalf, “no problem. Just let me know if you wanna see our show, Ro.”

She nodded and smiled that thin, fake smile that he was sure fooled many others. “Sure,” she agreed with a nod, “see you later.”

∞
“Rowan!”

Her head whipped around at the sound, distracted from the shirt Josh was showing her at a merch tent, to find Chris waving her over. Josh nodded with a smile, telling her to go ahead, and she made her way cautiously toward the tall silhouette amidst a small group of people. Gates had only just opened and people had already chased down the guys, but they’d been sure to pay them plenty of attention and profess their gratitude for their patronage, all whilst keeping Rowan close enough to feel safe but far enough to keep from being swept up in the chaos. These didn't seem to be fans, however. Instead the small pocket of people seemed to be made up of Chris and about five other men, all looking too in-place to be fans. They had a way about them that made Rowan sure they were in one band or another. As she crossed to Chris, her phone vibrated in her pocket again. She looked at the screen, seeing messages and missed calls beginning the night before, about the time she’d run off.


From Uncle Vic:
Rowan where are you going??

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
text me when you get there

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Ro. Let me know when you’re ready to come back

From Ash:
Hey, let us know when to pay the check here, we’ll come meet you :)

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
text me right now Ro

From Uncle Mikey:
have fun on your dateeeeeee ;)))))

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Where are you

From Jenna:
Hey, your dad wants to talk to you. Call us when you’re done?? xx

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
WHERE ARE YOU

From Uncle Justin:
u ever think abut ducks!mm?m!

From Uncle Justin:
om rly drnk rn, bring bck powdered dounts plzzzzzz pppppppppppp

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Rowan Quinn you better text me right this second

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Rowan Elizabeth Quinn Bostwick

From Uncle Tony:
Hey not sure if you’re getting the others’ texts but we’re all really worried please call asap

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
RESPOND

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I am livid

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Rownn txet me

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
ok idk wheerr u r

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I hoep ur happy

From Uncle Vic:
Ro, please let someone know when you’re coming back. You can stay with me on our bus tonight.

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Im sorry

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
so sorry

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I didny mean it im nit mad

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
this is all my fualt

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
please letmek no ur ok

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I love you

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I jut want to kno ur safe

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
going to seep lem te know where u r pleas

From Uncle Vic:
Please call me or someone as soon as you see this, need to talk tonight!!

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Rowan, I am so so sorry about last night. I know you’re hurt right now. I know it’s my fault. Please talk to me as soon as you get your phone.

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Let me know if you need me to help with the shot

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I’m so glad you’re safe. I only care that you’re okay. I’m not mad. Please call me.

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
I hope you’re okay. Text me if you can. I love you so much.

From The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin:
Rowan, I’m sorry. Please stay strong. Please. I know you’re upset but don’t let it take away everything you’ve been working so hard on. I believe in you. 110%. I know you are one of the strongest people on this planet. Don’t let one night stop you. You are worth so much more. Please call me. I need to hear your voice. I love you. I’m sorry.


In addition to the texts, there were numerous missed calls: Uncle Vic: Missed Call (9) & Voicemail (9). The Coolest PERSON You'll Ever Know AKA. Kellin: Missed Call (25) & Voicemail (23). Jenna: Missed Call (4) & Voicemail (3). Ash: Missed Call (3) & Voicemail. Lights: Missed Call (2). Uncle Tony: Missed Call (8) & Voicemail (6). Uncle Mikey: Missed Call (2) & Voicemail. Uncle Justin: Missed Call (6) & Voicemail (2). Tay: Missed Call. Uncle Hime-Time: Missed Call (4) & Voicemail (4). Ryan-Ashley: Missed Call (5) & Voicemail (3). Sierra: Missed Call (3). Sabrina: Missed Call.

Rowan fought to shake it off, unlocking her phone for the first time that day to clear the alerts. She forced her lips into a plastic grin as she stepped up to Chris and the small crowd.

“Rowan, these are some friends I wanted you to meet. This is Nick,” Chris announced, pointing to the man at his right whose hair was black and shorn off on one side, tattoos littering his skin in an elegant way and his ears stretched to be filled with plugs. Nick shook her hand with a small grin, Rowan had to swallow back her anxiety as she met the gesture. “This is Johnny,” Chris went on, now indicating a man with brown hair, bleached at the ends, and one piercing on the side of his upper lip. Johnny’s smirk was effortless and somehow a mixture of superior and inviting, Rowan studied it for cracks as she shook his hand. “Then, that’s Dan.” Next she was directed toward a guy with thick, brown, curly locks. Rowan grinned as she realized their hair was similar, and shook his hand as well. “This is Lloyd,” Chris continued, indicating the tallest guy of the group, his tee cut low enough to expose his scripted chest tattoo. He smiled warmly and accepted her hand to shake. “And last–”

“–But sure as hell not least,” the guy joked, winking at Chris tauntingly as they all chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah,” Chris waved his hand dismissively as he laughed, “that’s Adam. They’re in a band called Get Scared.” Adam smiled and shook her hand kindly. Rowan felt unsure of how to proceed with the conversation now that introductions were out of the way, shifting her weight nervously from one foot to the other. In hopes of alleviating some of the tension, Chris spoke again. “Rowan’s here with her dad, Kellin. She stayed over on our bus last night for movie night.”

“Cool,” Johnny said with a nod and another grin, “how’re you liking it?”

“Liking what? Warped? Or hanging out with these punks?” she asked, jerking her thumb at Chris with a saucy pop of her hip. The guys laughed, even more so as Chris pasted on an expression of exaggerated indignation, “I’m tolerating the guys, the tour is pretty awesome though.”

“And to think… I offered to share my coffee and creamer with you…” Chris pouted, making Rowan giggle. The morning’s break with Vic had lifted some of the crushing weight of her depression, not as much as Kellin singing to her, but enough to allow her to plaster on her old thick-skin of fake happiness. She used to be so good at this, at pretending to be okay, surely she could power through the day until she would inevitably be sent back to some foster home.

“Please,” she sassed, “I gave you the gift of my presence, you owed me the coffee offer.”

The guys around her were in stitches, watching Chris’s naturally audacious ass be handed to him by a tiny girl in a pink shirt and messy bun. Rowan tried to tuck her arms in, hiding as many of her flaws as possible, and hoped it came across as a natural progression of her own attitude.

“Well, if you’ll be so kind, we’d better get going,” Chris announced, seeing a text come through from their tour manager about their stage-time in less than twenty minutes.

“Since I’m feeling generous,” Rowan replied with a sigh, “I suppose I’ll join you.”

Rolling his heavily made-up eyes, Chris chuckled again. The others apparently got the same text as, within a moment of her disconnected mental-rambling, Rowan found herself surrounded by the members of Motionless in White as well as Get Scared.

“You guys busy?” Ryan asked Nick, who shook his head in response. “Come check out our show, you can keep Rowan company.”

“Sure,” was the general answer, the guys in tow as Rowan kept her pace with Chris at the head of the movement. Rowan grinned up at him as Chris made a comment about the two of them having such a tough job of keeping the others in line, but she was distracted as she caught sight of a familiar figure out of the corner of her eye. Snapping her gaze forward, Rowan saw Kellin. He was wearing sunglasses and a hoodie, despite the heat, as he chatted lazily with Matty. They were making their way slowly through the crowds, stopping for fans here and there.

“Oh, look, it’s your dad. Hey!” Chris started to call out to Kellin and Rowan felt trepidation seize her chest, her eyes instantly zooming around in search of an escape. She saw a giant, inflated tent-like-thing and dove for it just as Kellin’s covered eyes seemed to be turning her direction. Rowan’s hand was clamped around Chris’s wrist, dragging him behind her, and the other guys followed in utter confusion. Hiding inside the inflated tunnel, Chris peered down at Rowan in puzzlement, the guys piling in behind them, “Rowan, what the fuck?”

“Shhhh!” she shushed him, motioning for him to follow her. He did, looking back to the guys as she crept toward the mouth of the tunnel, peeking out cautiously. Rowan looked around but saw no sign of her father. The coast was clear. “Thank fuck,” she muttered, causing the bewildered men surrounding her to look at her harder. “Sorry?” she tried, but that helped exactly zero-percent as they all still gazed back at her in blank bemusement. “I saw a wasp,” she attempted again, but this was returned with puckered brows and frowns of mystification.

“Okaaaaaaay…” Devin drug out, all of them attempting to act as though that made complete sense. “Sure. Is it… gone now?”

“Uh… yeah,” she replied, guiltily fidgeting with her bracelets. “So, let’s go?”

“Right…” Chris nodded, his expression clearly perplexed, “okay.”

Rowan’s gaunt cheeks were flushed to match her vibrant shirt, her ears burning as well as they all exited the tent. Rowan glanced up to find it was a Trojan Condoms tent. A memory flashed before her eyes—

“You–” She giggled again, “You don't wear magnum.”

It went totally still again before Katelynne just busted out laughing. The rest still seemed confused, so Kate choked out her words between her guffaws, “She must've seen our drawer.”

And then it clicked. Jesse did a spit-take, spraying Kellin in his iced tea as he fell out laughing. The rest of the guys followed suit, all laughing so loudly Rowan worried they'd shatter their glasses. Kellin's face was hot as an oven but he seemed to be frozen solid. He was still staring at his foster daughter with saucer-sized eyes, the latter of whom was laughing loudly as the rest.

He eventually seemed to defrost while everyone else nursed their aching ribs and breathless laughs, “Wh– What?”

Rowan tried to get air to her lungs through all her chuckles, “You– Your hands are way too small for that.”

—The image was gone as quickly as it had come, leaving Rowan a mixture of breathless and amused. The guys nearest Rowan—Ricky, Nick, and Adam—exchanged looks of concern and only then did Rowan realize she’d laughed out loud at the memory. Her head caught up to her heart and suddenly the momentary break in the clouds was consumed with a thick, unbreathable air of pain. That memory was now just that, a memory. It wasn’t a conversation to be looked back on together, it wasn’t something she could bring up one day to her ‘family’ and be met with joyous responses. It was hers alone. She would have to hold on to it through whatever was coming next.

Rowan was pulled into one conversation after another by various guys; Nick wanted to know about her favorite band, Lloyd asked about what grade she was in and Josh helped tell him she was already graduated, Ricky and Johnny were talking about their instruments and asked Rowan if she knew how to play anything, upon hearing that she wished to learn the drums Dan offered to teach her, Adam and Ryan tried asking her random questions about herself but she shied away from that topic quickly. Eventually they stopped as they reached the back entrance of one of the Main Stages. Rowan peeked out and saw their crowd was packed. She enjoyed taking note of the varying hair colors, everything from natural shades to neon hues. She liked to think of the excitement those people must be feeling as time ticked on, closer to the opportunity to see someone they idolized right there in front of them.

“Hey,” Johnny broke in, the others occupied with one another and his tone conspiratorial, “what do ya say to having some fun?”

Rowan was wary of the offer, knitting her brows together as she blinked up at him, attempting to see his expression despite the blinding sun framing his outline. “What do you mean?”

“We can go do something while these losers perform?” he offered, grinning to tell her the insult was a joke. Rowan deliberated, seeing as it would mean a break from the worried glances the Motionless members threw her way every couple of breaths. She wondered how much Vic had told them about her behind her back. Feeling a sense of desolation envelope her, she was drawn to the bus. Wanting more than anything to just curl up on the couch in the dark and not talk to a soul. But that wasn’t an option. Therefore, running off with Johnny might be as close to isolation as she’d get.

“Sure,” she decided. He beamed at her and she wondered idly how many of her scars he could see. Some could be mistaken as accidents, but the vast majority were like neon signs, pulsating to alert anyone and everyone to their existence. In a vain attempt to stave off any such musings, Rowan turned back to Johnny. “What did you have planned?”

“I’m seriously dying for some chili cheese fries right now,” Johnny replied, grinning like a fiend, “we can get that! And some Monsters! And then we can check out the venue, I haven’t really gotten a chance to explore.”

Rowan disliked the idea of eating but knew if she made a comment it would only make the situation worse, and thus decided to agree. She’d feign a stomach ache when it came time to order. That was easy enough. “Okay.”

“Cool,” Johnny finished. “Hey!” he called, grabbing Josh’s attention. “Is it cool if Rowan and I go grab a bite to eat? We’ll be back before your set’s over I bet.”

“Yeah,” Josh replied, relief lightening his expression at the thought of Rowan seeming much better than the night before. Johnny and Rowan now waited for the show to start as a young guy she’d couldn’t remember seeing before bounded up to Chris with a wide grin.

“Hey! I just got in, we ready?” the guy greeted. Rowan wasn’t sure who he was until they all hugged and he got a cue to run on stage. He sat behind the drum kit and waved to the crowd before focusing on the task at hand: time to play.

A theatrically ominous sound began to reverberate through the speakers, washed out by the open venue as all music on this tour seemed to be, the sound resembling that of an emergency siren morphed by age and dropped a few octaves. She observed the crowd again, this time noticing the way they were amping up in energy as one band member after another ran on stage. Soon, the roar from the fans nearly drown out the beginning of the song entirely.

“What’s up, Warped Tour Denver?!” Chris called into the mic, receiving a raucous reply of cheers and jeers. “How the fuck are you? Who the fuck wants to hear some music? Here’s what I need from you, side-to-side, front-to-back: everybody fuckin’ jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!”

I am an enemy of everything
My life is not for sale
My heart is in this fight forever
What can you take from me?
When there’s not a single fucking day
I haven’t fought to stay alive?
We’re finding hope in the hopeless
I am still their voice that gets stuck in your head
I am me
And I have come to fucking scare you to death
Because that’s what you deserve you disgusting piece of shit

I know the only words that you have for me
Are give up and get out
You'd like to think that we've been beaten
But we're here to stay
Forever and always

Every single day
Not giving up, living up all my dreams
So go ahead and look like I’m inferior
Condescension, Suffering, Callousness and Loathing
Are the badges I have earned for my cause
And I am finding hope within hatred
A reason to persist, to push past everything
We are here
And we have come to scare you to death
Because that’s what you deserve
You fucking fake ass hypocrites

Rowan found herself nodding along, unable to keep from moving as the beat took her. It was dark, deep, heavy, and she couldn’t deny how drawn to it she felt. It was like her skin, her bones, her every cell felt alive in that moment. She felt every ounce of rage she’d suppressed, every inch of pain she’d suffered, every emotion she’d fought to ignore… it was all boiling just beneath the surface. And with each strum, lyric, and note she felt it bubbling over in a sickeningly comforting way. But with that wonderful sense of release she also felt fear. She couldn’t allow herself this reprieve, it could lead to much more dangerous amounts of openness. She had to keep it in. So when Johnny tapped her shoulder and mouthed, ‘Ready?’ she was in fact more than ready to go.

Nick followed them, soon the entire band was trailing behind the three, and they made their way to the food trucks and found one selling chili cheese fries. Johnny offered to buy her an order but she refused, telling him she’d eaten a big breakfast and now felt too full. He gave her a sympathetic expression and picked up his food.

“Hey, guys, right here?” Dan asked, finding a small patch of shady grass nearby. The group circled around it, Rowan sandwiched between Johnny and Lloyd, and began talking about one thing or another. Rowan wasn’t sure of the exact topic as she was busy ripping up blades of muddy grass and twisting them between her fingers. “What do you think, Rowan?”

“Huh?” she blurted, eyes popping wide as she realized she’d been ignoring them completely. “Sorry, what?”

They all laughed, apparently finding her discombobulation hilarious, and Dan repeated himself, “I said: of all instruments, drumming is for sure the coolest.”

“But it’s just hitting shit! I can do that any day. What I do is actually a skill,” Lloyd countered.
Nick chuckled, “I mean my job is basically the hardest. Because I don’t get to put my instrument down and pick it back up whenever I want, I have to take care of it all day, every day because I use it all day, every day.”

“I essentially do your job,” Johnny argued, pointing to Nick, “and your job,” he turned to Adam, “at the same time. Top that shit.”

Adam laughed and put his hands up in surrender, “I get payed to goof off and do what I love. I don’t even consider it a job.”

“I think you’re all in a pretty damn good position here,” Rowan conceded with a shrug, her voice small. She felt as if every breath, every word, and every blink was taking all of her energy at once. She was drained just from trying to seem ‘normal’. “I’d love to do what you guys do.”

“Is that what you wanna do? In the future, I mean?” Nick asked her, and they all listened carefully for her answer.

Feeling the pressure of their gazes, Rowan mumbled, “Uh, yeah? Maybe. I got my degree in English and Psychology, but since I’ve been exposed to this world I’ve taken quite a liking to it.”

“Degree? Damn kid, I didn’t know we were hanging out with a genius!” Lloyd joked, urging Rowan to fake yet another smile.

Rowan’s phone vibrated yet again, this time with a call from Vic. She sighed, “Sorry, I kinda need to take this.”

“No problem, I’m headed to get Monsters,” Johnny stood up, dusting loose dirt and grass from his black skinny jeans before offering his hand to her. She accepted it, only to keep from seeming rude, and helped him gather the guys’ trash. They took it to the can together before he nodded and headed off for the Monster truck, leaving Rowan alone in a small corner between two food trucks. It was as private as she could manage. By now she’d missed the call but she slid the notification and was met with a ring ring of calling him back.

“Hey,” he answered, his voice tense. Rowan wondered who was nearby. Probably Kell. She decided to keep her responses short and aloof, avoiding letting on to anything at all.

“Hey,” she replied in a clipped tone.

“What’s up?” he asked patiently.

“Got lunch with Get Scared,” she told him, her voice distant. She looked over her shoulder to see Johnny smiling as he passed, his hands and arms full of canned energy drinks that he began dolling out to the guys. “I’m busy, did you need something?”

“Just checking in, wondering if you were okay,” Vic’s voice was so strained that Rowan could practically feel the holes Kellin was burning into the cell pressed to Vic’s ear.

“Tell him I’m fine,” she snapped, “and I won’t be calling or texting. I’m having fun.”

The words tasted like bile, the falseness of them toxic to her own lips, but she tried to believe them enough to abstain from retracting them immediately.

“Tell who?” Vic quizzed, his tone even less believable than hers.

“Don’t,” she plead tiredly, gnawing her bottom lip in exhaustion. “Just… I’m fine. You don’t have to check in.”

“I love you, Ro,” Vic told her, admitting the truth of his company in a few words. She knew he was trying his best, but it was too much for her right now. She needed a break. She needed release.

“You too,” she replied. She pulled the phone back from her ear, her thumb hesitating over the End Call button. She couldn’t press it. Soon the screen blinked and the call ended, and there she was just standing in a corner with her thumb hovering over the screen for no reason. She shook her head at herself, knowing she was going insane. This was all too much. She needed her blades. She needed to be free.

Notes

(Note is long, skip around if you want to! I understand I can be long-winded!)

SURPRISE! I bet you didn't expect an update so soon! I wanted to give you all a present of sorts and since I can't go to each of you individually to offer you a hug and my deepest gratitude, this will have to do.

I'm sorry if it feels all over the place or up and down. For me, this feels true to where Rowan is. She's not sure what she's thinking or feeling. Is she angry at Kellin for betraying her? Does she think it's all her fault? She doesn't know what is going to happen next and she's terrified of what it will be, but she's determined to act as if she's fine and can handle it on her own.

Also, the chapter title may seem a bit left field but in case anyone is interested, I'll tell you why I'll chose it. The title is credited to Fall Out Boy. Their song West Coast Smoker is a favorite of mine. The lyric says:
"Oh hell yes,
I'm a nervous wreck.
Oh hell yes,
The drugs just make me reset.
Knock once for the father,
Twice for the son,
Three times for the holy ghost."
This lyric hit me oddly hard in a lot of ways. To me, the 'nervous wreck' line is clear in its affiliation. The 'drugs' mentioned, in my mind, are Rowan's habits—cutting, starving herself, scratching. And then, to me, the lines about the father, son, and holy ghost coincide with Kellin. First of all, as her father. Secondly, as a son, one who knows first hand what it feels like to be abandoned by said father. And finally, the ghost that he is in her life—how his presence never leaves Rowan, even if he's not standing beside her she feels him as a ghost within her that keeps her strong through her weak moments. Furthermore, I feel like this entire chapter, no matter how much she wants it to be untrue, it feels like Rowan and Kellin are on either side of a door, both of them knocking so the other will let them in. Rowan wants and needs Kellin, just as he wants and needs her. They are a crucial part of each other's ability to survive each day. Rowan is begging him to swoop in and save her from herself, she's just too stubborn to admit this even to herself. Kellin is outwardly pleading for her forgiveness and her presence, he's knocking on the locked door to her heart. To some that may not make sense or might sound cheesy, but it captured me and I couldn't put the thought down.

Also, I've discovered the tab on Wattpad where authors can check out the demographics of their readers (i.e. age, gender, reads/votes per chapter, where you're reading from, etc.—all without names or exact locations of course, it's anonymous and private!)... But it blew my mind. I thought that maybe this would mean something to a few people. Maybe like a couple of people out there would relate. But this story has reached regions of the planet that I never dreamed of! YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING AMAZING!!! I'm curious though, if you want to, comment below where you're reading from? Because that shit is unreal.

*An important note: DON'T FOLLOW ROWAN'S LEAD. PLEASE. She is hurt and scared, but please promise me that you will never defend your abuser. Yes, she was sexually assaulted. She said no. She didn't physically respond. She didn't want what Tanner forced upon her. Whether or not there was any actual 'penetration' or 'orgasm' it is still by all means rape. If something like this ever happens to you (whether the person is your best friend, your relative, someone you met a day ago; whether its a girl or a guy, your age or a decade older or younger) IT IS ILLEGAL. IT IS WRONG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are the only person on the whole fucking planet who has any say over what is right or wrong when it comes to your body. Your body is YOURS. Speak up! Be strong! Know that you are the only person with any authority over your own being! Your voice matters! You matter! You count! You are important! Scream it out, punch a punching bag, cry, write about it, blog about it, tell a friend, tell a therapist, tell the authorities... but never stay silent. Your voice is needed. You are worth it. You deserve to have the person who hurt you know what they did is wrong. You are worthy of an answer. But above all, it does not define you. It does not change the fact that you are a beautiful soul. It doesn't take away the memories of the time you learned to ride a bike or you made your first best friend. You are you, through and through. And you deserve better.*

Yet again, letting you guys know the rules of voting on Wattpad in case anyone has an account or is interested, share this story and the voting guidelines with your friends if you feel so compelled! Thank you!!

Join us on Twitter and vote for your favorite story between August 24th and 31st, 2015. Just share a link to your favorite story on Wattpad with the #MyWattysChoice tag. The top ten most shared stories from Twitter will claim the People's Choice Award for Wattys 2015
My Answer(s) from last chapter's question: This is so so so hard. As Vic said in one chapter, "That's like asking me to choose my favorite child!" I find myself drawn back to the third chapter the most, I've reread it quite a few times to help me realign myself with Rowan's being. It feels like the true beginning for the two of them and it's always had a special place in my heart. Of course I am fond of almost every chapter as I've poured myself into the creation of each paragraph, but that's the one that's sticking out to me right now.

Chapter Question: What's the characteristic about Rowan that makes you feel closest to her? If there's none, then choose any 'character' (i.e. Kellin, Vic, Johnny, Katelynne, etc...)!

[HERE is to possible new cover, let me know which one you all prefer]

** HERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DREADING/EXCITED TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT: WE ARE ABOUT 7 CHAPTERS FROM THE END OF THIS BOOK. Please don't be sad. Please don't panic. I have big plans in Rowan's future. She's not done yet. There is still so much of her story left to share. Still, I wanted you to know that, though this chapter and its predecessor may seem slow, I'm trying to give you guys a break. Because something is around the corner. Something very big. And I wanted to take these moments to slow down and enjoy them, even if Ro isn't in the best place mentally. Please don't be angry! I hope you all enjoy what's to come, but I'm sure it won't be expected and I might get some pitchforks and torches! I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE! I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU SO DAMN MUCH IT'S INSANE! **

Much Much Much Love,

MM xx

(P.S. Has anyone else received drunk texts? They are senseless, typically unreadable, and more often than not hilarious. Most of the texts from Kellin on the night of her 'date' were drunk texts. So, please don't hold it against him. He said harsh things but it was all out of the pain he felt by feeling useless in Rowan's life. He couldn't stop her from going, he only hurt her, and it fucked him up pretty bad! Don't hate him!)