Oli’s P.O.V

January 28,
After many months spent with bring me, and the guys from Of Mice & Men, me and Austin have actually been able to arrange a tour together. They recently got signed on with Rise Records, and I could not be more proud of him, and the others. Alan and I have set aside the past and to my surprise we get along rather well. I don’t know how to describe how I feel right now, it took many months of soul searching and pain, but I think I have finally come to terms with some of the things that have happened. I was finally able to speak to Austin about my past, I even went as far as to get both of the bands together and pour it all out, just so I wouldn’t have to do it again. I explained my mums death, my brother, Tom’s disappearance years ago…no one besides Matt knew about that, and they seemed rather shocked that I had never mentioned it. I even talked about my father, as hard as it was; getting into the world and out of my head made me feel a thousand times better.

Lee, Jordan, and I had been working like maniacs on the lyrics for a new album, as hard as it was; its done. I was able to take all the emotional pain I ever felt and turn it into something im proud to put my name on, the only ones who will ever know what the words mean will be the guys, but I like it that way. I want the listeners to have to guess what was going on, and make their own assumptions and guesses; but mainly I want them to be able to listen and make it relate to themselves. My message with it, we ALL have felt that pain, even though it never gets any better, it DOES get easier.

As far as Austin and myself goes, were doing awesome. He took me and the guys on a short little vacation to the UK, where we visited my hometown and I showed off my new store Drop Dead, like a proud parent. I ‘hooked’ the guys up with new attire, and I still haven’t heard the end of how, ‘fucking awesome’ it is. It’s doing great really. When we got done at DD, Austin insisted we go to some fancy restaurant he found online, it was perfect. As we received our menus, I was shocked when I opened mine and a hand written note from him was placed inside.

‘be mine, again, Oli?’ it read, how could I have said no? We celebrated that night, it was probably the best day of my life. Just hanging out with all my friends, Austin, and meeting fans everywhere we went. I loved every second of it. Now I’m sitting in the bus that we are sharing with OM&M until they get there’s from Rise. Thank god its big enough to house 10 men and our tec’s, of course we have to share bunks sometimes or alter our sleep schedules, but there’s somehow enough room for all of us, and I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tonight is the big release of our Album, Sempiternal, we play at exactly Midnight in LA, to debut our new material. I’m slightly anxious about sharing these songs with people, we have practiced so much, they sound amazing; but I guess I’m just nervous that I won’t be able to sing them. The pain will be there, still housed in my mind; but directing that to my fans makes it that much more special. It’s 4 hours till show time, 3 until Austin and the guys hit the stage to open, I hope he kills it; he usually does. He takes my breathe away, really, he explained to me that he took the anger he feels for the world for his moms death and pours it into his screams, I can tell. Im glad he has found a new way to direct the emotions he felt, hurting others was something I could tell he didn’t like to do, despite his past career choice. He felt at home at every venue we went too, every stage was his retreat from himself and the pain the world has put him through, yet how he can go from the sweet, loving Austin to scary, aggressive Austin; is mind boggling. But its absolutely amazing, and I wont lie; it’s a huge fucking turn on.

Some times he will catch my eye when he is on stage, and he will smile like the goof he is, before turning back to the crowd; those moments never failed to make my heart soar. I tried to do the same for him, I wasn’t sure he felt the same rush as I did when our eyes met, but I could only hope so. I really do love him, I never believed in the word before I met him. Every time some one said they loved me, they left, and despite our gut wrenching separation all that time ago, he was still here, with me.

T-Minus 3 hours and 30 minutes, wish me luck.

I shut my ‘diary’ and quickly shoved it back into my bag, getting up from my bunk and looking myself over in the lone full length mirror, I looked a mess; hair sticking up in a thousand directions, and wrinkled shirt and shorts. I opened the small storage space, grabbing a gray v-neck, black Drop Dead Hoodie, and black skinny jeans; Slipping them on and running a comb through my hair, which still long, and slightly curly from sleep. Sliding on a pair of black vans, I settled for my appearance and retreated down the stairs, I turned to take a seat in the lounge when a pair of arms stopped me and pulled me into them. A small kiss was planted on my cheek, I smiled and relaxed into the embrace.

“Someone looks perfect, like usual.”I giggled as Austin whispered the words into my ear, I took my arms and placed them over his,

“Oh stop, I look like I rolled out of bed and got dressed! That’s what I did, but that’s besides the point, love.” He scoffed and released me from his grip, I sighed as his warmth left me. He pushed past me, taking a seat on the black sofa; he pouted and raised his arms towards me, he could be such a kid sometimes. I laughed and plopped myself down in his lap, resting my head in the crook of his neck and holding his torso with my arms, he smiled down at me.

“Your nervous?” he asked absentmindedly as he rolled some of my hair in between his fingers, I nodded and let out a rigid breathe. He frowned and pushed me off him enough so our eyes met, I grunted from the sudden movement, but he hushed me with his lips on mine. Every time we kissed it was like the world stopped moving, he never failed to make the butterflies in my stomach go haywire. I kissed him back harshly, earning a small moan from him, dear god, was he trying to kill me?

He wrapped his arms around me, and stood up, I quickly wrapped my legs around his torso and my arms flew to his neck to help hold me up. This was the first time we had ever kissed like this, we agreed to pace ourselves; but I couldn’t fight the urges that were pitted in my mind. I pulled back for air, and leaned my forehead against his, “Austin, I’m ready.” I whispered quietly, he smiled in confusion, before planting a small tender kiss to my lips.

“Are you s-“

“Yes.” I cut him off, and he got a loving yet wild look in his eyes; fuck he was trying to kill me. He tilted his head as if to ask me once again, but he got the message as I reattached our lips and pulled myself closer to him. He somehow managed to carry me up the spiral stair case, and the next thing I knew I was being laid on the bunk we shared, as he gently climbed on top of me. My body was on fire, my mind was racing, my heart was beating out of my chest; but I trust him, I smiled as he kissed me again. I couldn’t be any happier.


-&-


“THANK YOU SO MUCH LA! WE’RE OF MICE & MEN! BE SURE TO CHECK US OUT AND COME TO OUR MERCH TENT AND GRAB OUR CD! NOW WHO’S READY FOR BRING ME!?” Austin smiled as he held the mic out to the packed house, 11,000 people could be in this venue, and we were sold out. That fact alone made anxiety pit in my stomach, and the camera crews from Kerrang! And AP were filming our set, that didn’t help either. I slipped off my hoodie, and put the wires to my ears and clipped it on my jeans; I lightly bounced up and down, my band mates doing the same. I could tell we were all nervous; I shot them a smile and turned to face them.

“Look, I’m just as nervous as you all are, you know how much this means to me though, and I know how much it means to you. We can fucking do this, we can go out there and be great, just believe it. I believe in you all.” I wrapped my arms around Matt Kean and Nicholls, for emphasis, and they brought Lee and Jordan in closer. Our techs were hurrying to finish setting up, and were doing sound check. Austin was playing one last song, Second and Sebring, I knew it was hard for him to get through, but seeing him out there giving it his all, made me believe we could do the same. As our tecs gave us a thumbs up, OM&M wrapped up their set, and jogged off stage. Austin kissed me slightly on the forehead, “You can do this, I will be right here, watch me if it gets hard to get through. I love you, I believe in you,” he looked around at the guys who were all being high fived and clapped on the back by the others, “I believe in all of you, now go fucking kill it!”

We cheered lightly, and as the set from Of mice was taken down, the guys hit the stage, as the strobes kicked on, the crowd was roaring with excitement, and I felt a lump form in my throat as I rushed the stage. As the guys started playing the intro to Shadow Moses, I greeted the crowd.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP LA? HOW ARE WE DOING TONIGHT?”

A long, loud string of inaudible screams rang through the packed venue, I smiled at them.

“WERE BRING ME THE HORIZON! HERE TO USHER IN OUR NEW ALBUM , THIS ALBUM IS FOR ALL OF YOU, I KNOW IT GETS DARK SOMETIMES, BUT REMEMBER THAT IVE BEEN THERE TOO, WE ALL HAVE. I WANNA SEE YOU ALL FUCKING MOVE, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU ALL STOP MOVING UNTIL WERE DONE.”

I stopped just in time, for the crowd to begin to jump and down, and others nod their heads to the music. I sang the intro, and waited for Matt’s drums to kick in, before screaming “BOUNCE!” Into the mic, the crowd complied, their energy was great tonight, and it was rubbing off on me. I poured my heart into the song, running around and grabbing as many hands as I could and going as far as to get in the crowd, and just like that the first song was over.

We then started to play them in order of how they would be heard on the CD, the crowd never stopped moving like I asked, they were catching onto the lyrics fast, and sang the chorus’ with me, I once and awhile had to look into Austin’s eyes, he gave me the strength to push through And the Snakes Start to Sing, that song was hard on me. I wont lie, I cried a few times through out it, but was quick to cover it up and return to my mic, Antivist got the crowd going crazy, and I decided a pit wasn’t good enough for it, after commanding the crowd to split into two, they were eager to get the Wall started. It was the most fun I’ve ever had on stage, I waved over the boys from Of mice & men, who had gotten to hear all the songs before anyone else, they rushed out, Austin taking a place beside me, as we both screamed the words into the mic, I never got to sing with him, I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. Aaron, Alan, Tino, and Phil were brave enough to climb the railings and jump into the crowd, who caught them all without hesitation. A tec ran out and gave Austin his own mic, as we reached the halfway point,

Oh, give me a break you deluded, ill-informed, self-serving prick.
If you really believe in the words that you preach,
Get off your screens, and onto the streets.

There will be no peaceful revolution!
No war without blood!
You can say I'm just a fool, that stands for nothing.
Well, to that, I say you're a cunt!

Austin and I worked in sync, and the crowd was going absolutely crazy, we had arms draped around each other I screamed “KICK IT!” into the mic, the pit was insane, I kept an eye on them, hoping no one would get hurt, and was relieved when everything went smoothly. We wrapped up the song, while running on opposite edges of the stage, standing above the crowd, and roaring below them. As the song concluded, the guys from OM&M were back side stage, and Austin high fived me before running to meet them, we hadn’t come public with out relationship, though im sure we weren’t doing a good job at hiding it either. We weren’t really hiding it, just making sure we said it at the right time, and right before an album release was not the time.

Crooked Young came and went, and the crowd was chanting the words with me by the end, as we approached the last song, the music grew softer, as I spoke quietly into the mic.

“this song, means a lot to me, I have decided ahead of time I will never reveal the inspiration behind any of these songs, but I want you to take the words and make your own relations, and try to figure out what you think they mean. I hope you all are having a great time, I certainly am.” They cheered so loud I couldn’t even hear myself think, I beamed. “This ones Called Hospital for Souls. I hope you like it!”

The music was quiet, and my voice matched it as I spoke softly into the mic,

And then I found out how hard it is to really change.
Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.
No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.
The funny thing is all I ever wanted, I already had.

I pointed at the crowd, and they all cheered. I walked closer to them, taking the hand of a girl who had tears in her eyes, she smiled instantly as I wrapped my fingers around her. I looked her in the eyes as I finished the intro,

There's glimpses of heaven in every day.
In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.
I just had to start again.

I had a few stray tears rolling my cheeks by this point, the pained looks on some of the kids faces were making this hard, but they needed to hear it; and I had to sing it.

I gave the girl a quick hug and ran back to my place center stage as the guys turned up the heat, the crowd was jumping up and down, it was overwhelming. I turned to see Austin, who was slightly crying himself, he smiled at me and nodded his head; I sang into the mic, allowing the flood gates to open and the tears to fall shamelessly, I took advantage of the few path ways separating the crowd, I walked down them slowly, mic in one hand, the other grazing the crowds.

I fell to my knees in the split section between the pit and back of the crowd, before quickly recollecting myself, and letting myself slow down and meeting eyes with a few people in the front row,

How are we on a scale of one to ten?
Could you tell me what you see?
Do you wanna talk about it?
How does that make you feel?

Have you ever took a blade to your wrists?
Have you been skipping meals?
We're gonna try something new today
How does that make you feel?

During each line I let my eyes meet someone new, they all, even the males, had tears clouding their eyes, I stepped closer to them, as they reached out and grabbed my out stretched hand, others gripping my arm or shoulders, as I sang to them, I could feel the cameras following me, but I pushed it aside. I wanted to show everyone here I felt the same as they had before, I started my descent back to the stage and made it just in time for the beat to pick back up again.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

My eyes locked on Austin, who was shaking lightly, faced covered in fresh tears but he looked so concerned for me, I didn’t realize that I was shaking like a leaf, or that I was sobbing my eyes out to the crowd, and barely pushing through the words. He sauntered on stage and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me to him, I found it in me to finish the song.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

At the end my knees wanted to give out, I felt like a 500 lb weight was pushed off of my shoulders, I felt so relieved that I was able to let out my darkest demons, I smiled brightly into my tears, recollecting my strength, I faced the crowd who went mad. I couldn’t stop grinning,

“THANK YOU LA! I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AT OUR TENT, YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON A SIGNED COPY OF SEMPITERNAL FOR JUST 15$! YOU GUYS MEAN THE FUCKING WORLD TO US, A LOT OF YOU SAY OUR MUSIC HAS SAVED YOUR LIVES, WELL THAT MAY BE TRUE, BUT YOU ALL HAVE SAVED MINE.”

It got louder than it had been all night, I bit my lip, “I love you all so much! Thank you for everything, and I hope you had a great time! We’re Bring Me The Horizon, we will see you soon!” We exited the stage, and I was pulled into a huge hug from everyone, for the first time in so long, I loved every little bit of my life, and I wouldn’t have changed one thing about it. Austin twirled me into his arms and kissed me lightly, earning ‘awhs’ and ‘ews’ from the gang, we flipped them off and he let me lay my head on his chest, “I’m proud of you Oli, I love you so much.” He whispered in my ear, I smiled for the umpteenth time that day , “I love you too, thanks for giving me the strength to get that done.” He pulled me closer, before releasing me and grabbing my hand, we walked to the back of the venue, expecting it to be empty, but nothing could have prepared me for this.

“Excuse me…Oli?” a figure from a bit far away asked, the voice made my stomach turn, I couldn’t place it though.

“Yes?” I answered; I felt Austin and the lads watching me carefully, as the figure stepped forward. My eyes were met with pools of bright blue, long hair that much resembled my own, it was to much, it took my breath away.

“TOM?!” I all but screamed, tears pooling into my eyes as he nodded,

“Yeah its me…” he muttered as a small sob racketing through his small frame, I ran the short distance between us, and flung myself in his arms, he quickly hugged me close.

Correction, now this couldn’t get any better.

I had a million questions to ask, I needed answers, I had missed my little brother so much, but before I could speak he pulled away from me, and looked me dead in the eyes; what he said next will forever send chills down my spine.

“I know you have a lot to ask me, and I owe you a ton of answers…but Oli…I need your help...uh...someone’s trying to kill me.”

Oh Fuck, here we go again.

Notes

Well there we have it! This is the last installment of Don’t say I’m better off dead. BUT there will be a sequel cause I love you all and you’re the fucking best. So this is an epilogue and prolog of sorts of the things that are next to come, I hope you all enjoyed reading this, as much as I did writing it, with well over 40,000 words; it was a long trip, but its just the start of the adventure ;) oh and Enter Tom Sykes everyone.

Sequel should be up soon, so make sure to check it out!

In the meantime, for one last time on this installment;
Please comment/vote.


UPDATE: SEQUEL IS POSTED.
I love you all, and I will be back VERY soon with the second part of this <3 Cheers!

Xoxo
Siren