Austin and Natalie left a lot sooner than planned and even though I was sad to see them go, I was also looking forward to them leaving. I felt that maybe if I had less to remind me about Alan, the less my heart would ache. They had been gone for a day, and so far there had been no such luck with my theory.

"What are you going to do today?" Jelina asked as she paced her lean body around the kitchen, digging around for something to whip up for breakfast. It was her turn to cook since I had been cooking for the past two days.

"Probably watch some movies and cry because my life is pathetic. What about you?" I replied as I scrolled through my instagram news feed.

"Same exact," she replied without much thinking. "Wanna cry together?"

"Sure," I replied, casually. I continued to scroll through until I came across a picture of Alan and Austin posted on Austin's instagram. They were making ridiculous faces in the camera and Alan had cat whiskers drawn on his face.

Crazy night back home with my best friends. @alanashby @natalieee @janeyjo @mrmoneycat @nouxnoux

"What the fuck?" I asked, out loud, as I read the names that were tagged. Natalie was hanging out with Jane and Anouk, now? I clicked on Natalie's instagram and saw that the most recent row of pictures were all taken in the same location - a hazy, dark, club. The most recent picture was a repost of Austin's.

Got to use my cosmetology skills on this kitty cat @alanashby @austincarlile

The picture after that was a picture of her in between Anouk and Jane, all three of them dressed in tight, short dresses with heels miles high. They had their arms wrapped around each other’s waists and huge grins on their faces. I could see a slight outline of Jane’s growing stomach, but nothing that could be noticed by any fans.

Enraged, I locked my phone and set it down on the table, turning my attention over to Jelina who had finally decided on something to cook for the two of us. I watched as she danced around the kitchen in nothing but an oversized t-shirt and some underwear, and her socks that she had been wearing the day before that she must have slept in. Her thin, pin-straight hair was pushed behind her shoulders with only a few wisps of her shortest layers framing her face, cascading around her cheekbones from her middle-part. “You’re so beautiful, Jelina,” I commented as I watched her.

She turned to look at me with a confused face. Her face was clear of any make-up and a few red blemishes were showing through. She gave herself a double chin and gave me a derpy grin before saying “Thank you” in her flawless, English accent. “You’re just saying that because I’m finally cooking for you,” she said with a laugh as she returned to flipping the pancakes that were in the pan. “Don’t get used to it, missy. You’re the better cook out of the two of us.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I think I’ve lost my touch, honestly. I haven’t been cooking all that much.”

“Well you better get back into the swing of things because I expect dinner to be on the table by the time I get home from work,” she scolded as she waved her spatula in my direction.

“Yes, dear,” I scoffed as I turned my attention down to the table-cloth beneath me. I gently traced my fingertips over the stitching and let my thoughts wander around, aimlessly.

My phone began to vibrate from beside me, and I picked it up quickly, the sound of it startling me. I looked down at the number I didn’t recognize and scrunched up my nose in confusion.

“Who is it?” Jelina asked.

“I have no idea…”

I decided to answer it, anyway. “Hello?” I asked into the phone.

“Adelina Feeney! This is Hubert Gimble at Penguin Publishing. I got your message about coming back to England and just wanted to talk to you about this to verify. Long Beach didn’t work out for you?”

I sighed in relief as a huge smile spread across my face. Hubert was my old boss when I worked here in England. I was surprised that I didn’t have his phone number saved in my phone. “Hubert! I remember who you are; no need for such proper introductions! But yes, I am back in England – and no, Long Beach isn’t the place for me anymore. I’m sorry for all of the complications and the waste of time it must had been for all the transfers and such.”

“I’m so glad to hear that you’ve returned. Unfortunately, your transfer had been completed, so we have to wait quite a while before we can transfer you back. Technically, once a transfer has been set and processed, that employee is supposed to remain at that location for at least a year before another transfer can be requested. It’s a silly rule, but it’s just how it is.”

My face immediately fell. “I-I can’t go back to Long Beach, Hubert. I just can’t…”

Hubert was silent for a moment as he seemed to be thinking about something. “Is everything alright?”

“Not really, but in England it is. I have to stay here. I can’t go back.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll see what I can do, but…I would suggest looking for work elsewhere in case things can’t go through. I can only pull so-many strings, Addie. And even if you are able to transfer back at an early date, it won’t be anytime soon.”

I blinked a few times to fight back the tears. Just when I thought that I could preoccupy myself with work, this had to happen. But I should have known that things couldn’t just be handed over to me on a silver platter when I was in need. Life was never that convenient. Especially as of late.

“Thank you, Hubert. Please let me know what the plan is as soon as you find out some news. Thank you for keeping me on board and doing all that you can. This job is my life, and I love it more than anything.”

Hubert chuckled a bit, his breath making a muffled noise into the phone. “Of course, kiddo. But you know? Maybe that’s where things go wrong. Maybe having a little off time can be good for you. Find some other things that you love.”

I shook my head. “I did, Hubert, that’s why I left Long Beach.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. But hey! You’re too young to let love get you down like that. Love should be making your life better right now. And I don’t just mean loving another person. Loving life, and the little things in it. Trust me, Adelina.”

His words were too cliché for my liking, but I agreed none-the-less. Our conversation ended, and I explained everything to Jelina while we ate the food that she had finally finished. An omlette stuffed with mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes, and cheese…lots of cheese, just how I liked it. I loved how comfortable I was with Jelina. We had gone to school together for four years, and we hit it off right away. It took us a couple years to really become best friends, and we didn’t move in together until we had each decided to attend graduate school for a couple years. I had graduated before she did, and decided to move back to Long Beach to be with family…and the rest is history…and here I am again, with my best friend, Jelina.

“I should have never left,” I mumbled as I set my fork down on my, now, empty plate. “I don’t know why I decided to go back there. Even as a teen I didn’t belong.”

“Oh, hush,” Jelina said. “Let’s stop talking about that. It’s in the past, and let’s focus on the fact that you’re back. And spend the next…” she paused to look at her watch, “…three and a half hours talking and catching up before I have to go to work.”

I nodded and picked up our plates. “Let’s clean up really quick, shower, and then meet back on the couch.”

“Perfect,” Jelina said quickly as she pushed herself out of the dining room chair. She tidied up the living room while I cleaned the kitchen and we departed for our rooms at the same time. I tried tripping her in the hallway as our plan turned into a race, but I ended up tripping myself in the end.

We laughed the entire time we got ready. I settled for some comfortable leggings and an old t-shirt while Jelina tossed on some yoga pants and a camisole tank top. We met up on the touch and turned to face each other, our legs crossed beneath our bodies.

Jelina began to tell me all about what I missed in the short time that I was gone, and she was really making me feel like I was gone a lot longer than I actually was. She had gotten a small promotion at work (she was training to be a veterinarian technician, but was currently just a lobby-operator at the animal hospital), she had met a boy and grown to like him but he didn’t like her back, she had just registered for her final quarter at school, and to top it all off she found out who her biological father was after years and years of searching for him.

We talked about each and every topic in extensive detail, and once we reached the end of her stories, she wanted to move on to mine. I was doing everything that I could to avoid it, and luckily, she checked her watch and realized that she didn’t have any more time to talk because she had to get ready for work.

“I’ll get ready really fast and then you can just tell me a little teaser, that way I have something to think about while I’m sitting in front of the animal hospital computers all day. I’ll even stop by the grocery store and buy us some cheap boxes of wine on my way home so we can get wasted on our poverty and sulk in our broken hearts.”

I chuckled as I shook my head, I opened my mouth to give her an excuse, but the doorbell rang just before I could say anything. I thanked the heavens for sending in the distraction, but I also wondered who could be coming to the door. It had to be one of our neighbors.

“Probably Ms. Kelly coming to yell about my cat again,” Jelina groaned as she stood up and went to answer the door.

I remained seated on the couch, and decided to pull out my cell phone again just for fun. I scrolled around on Facebook, reading about everybody’s lives, and just when I got to an extremely lengthy status, my attention was pulled away.

“Um,” Jelina interrupted my reading with a nervous stutter as she came into view again.

I looked at her nervous demeanor. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Who was at the door?”

“It’s-uh-for you,” she said lowly. She bit her lip and turned away. “I’ll…I’ll be in my room.”

I wanted to question her behavior, but she disappeared down the hallway so quickly that I didn’t even have time to open my mouth. I stood up and walked toward the door. She left it open by just a crack, and I tried to peek through to see who was there, but all I caught a glimpse of was black jeans.

I pulled open the front door and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a very distressed looking Alan staring straight into my eyes. I felt as if a hole had been punched through my heart, the impact calling for me to double over in pain, but I refused to allow my posture to falter. I stood strong…well, as strong as I could. I noticed Alan’s posture weaken when he saw me. He didn’t hide the pain that had hit him. His eyes drooped a bit, his chapped lips slightly parted with rugged breaths coming through. His shoulders hunched and his body just looked…sad.

“What are you doing here?” I snapped, reality coming back to me. “How did you even get up here?”

“Someone else was unlocking the gate…listen, please just let me in. I don’t…I can’t talk to anybody else.”

“Are you insane? Did you forget why I left Long Beach? Fuck off!” I went to slam the door in his face, but Alan’s hand firmly pushed back, the door only closing about halfway.

He looked at me with so much confusion and desperation, that I almost felt bad for whatever it was that he was going through. “Please, Addie, let me in.”

I furrowed my eyebrows together, ready to tell him to ‘fuck off’ again, but then I realized how serious this had to be. I didn’t live down the street anymore, I lived in another country. And for Alan to travel all the way over here just to try and let me talk to him must really mean something. I knew that letting Alan in would be extremely risky – we couldn’t control ourselves around each other, and it was also risky for my sanity. I was afraid to hear what Alan wanted to say, but I was also overly curious, and well…I admit that I was glad to see that he traveled all that way just to come knocking on my door.

I pushed the door open and moved aside, but I kept my eyesight focused on the ground beneath me. Alan waited for a moment. I could feel his eyes staring me over. He finally stepped inside and as he did, he let out a small chuckle and said, “Nice shirt.”

I looked down at my t-shirt. It had some random restaurant name on it and it was extremely frayed and old. My cheeks burned when I realized that this was one of Alan’s shirts that he wore back when we first met. We had gone down to the beach and Alan had let me wear this shirt because I was cold. I never gave it back.

I closed my eyes and wished that I was wearing a different shirt, because now things were just going to be awkward.

I shut the front door and followed Alan over to the couch. He took a seat on the far end, close to where Jelina was sitting only moments before, and I sat on the other end.

“Everything looks the same,” Alan commented as he looked around the living room.

I nodded in agreement, unsure of what to say. I didn’t like the way Alan was acting so casual about this – he was acting as if he was welcome in my home at any time, and he was acting as if he hadn’t just randomly hopped on a plane from Long Beach to England. “Why did you come?” I asked.

“I don’t have anyone else to talk in Long Beach. No one understands me like you do,” Alan breathed out.

“Wasn’t Jane wondering why you decided to come here?”

Alan shrugged. “She doesn’t really know. She thinks I’m in New York helping Issues with their new album.”

“Oh,” I said. The fact that he lied to come visit me really hurt, but then again, it was probably better off that way.

Jelina suddenly exited from her room, clearing her throat as she walked down the hallway to make sure that her presence was known. I turned to look over at her, sending her a pleading look.

“I’m going to work now,” she announced. “Call me if you need anything.” She darted her eyes over to Alan, giving him a brief evil stare before turning around quickly and leaving the apartment entirely.

Not even a minute later I got a text message from her saying: Yeah, you’ve REALLY got some explaining to do later.

Her text made me angry, but not at her. At this situation. I needed to figure out what Alan needed to talk about and get this over with. “So, what do you want, Alan?”

“Jane wants to get married.” He spat the words out so quickly. I felt as if a speeding car had just collided with my body, knocking the wind out of me and crushing my soul.

“Oh,” I said simply.

“I…can’t. I can’t marry her. But I don’t know what to do.”

This was going to be difficult to talk about, and I was really wishing that he hadn’t chosen me to talk to about it. “Are you not ready…or…?”

“No, it’s not that I’m not ready…it’s just that…she’s not the girl I want to be marrying.” He slowly looked up from his lap and I really wish that I hadn’t been staring, because he locked my eyes with his, and I realized exactly what he was saying.

“Not this again,” I said. “Alan, we’ve been over this a thousand times. And clearly, it doesn’t matter to you. I tried to come clean about all of this to Jane’s face and you just sat there and denied it all!”

“I didn’t deny it!” Alan spoke up, his voice louder than I expected.

“Well you sure as hell didn’t back me up,” I grumbled.

Alan huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “I went after you, Addie. I ran out of the house to stop you. You should have stopped, I know you saw me.”

“And what good would that have done?” I could feel myself becoming upset now. My heart growing heavier, the tears daring to fall…why was I letting him have this control over me? I needed to end this. All of it. No more Alan, and if that meant I had to cut off all ties with Long Beach, then so be it.

“I told her that it was true, Addie. Things were rough for a day or so, but then she suddenly decided that we should get married and won’t stop bugging me about it…I don’t know what to do.”

A happiness ran through me as I realized that Jane finally knew the truth. She knew about me and Alan now, but since she was pregnant, she couldn’t just leave us be. “You fucked this up,” I accused. “You had to knock her up. We could be together right now if you weren’t so irresponsible.”

Alan seemed shocked by my words, but I honestly couldn’t care less. I was being harsh, but I was done sugar-coating everything. Alan needed to know how I felt about this. If he was allowed to come to me seeking advice on his relationship while still in love with me, I should be allowed to tell him how he fucked up the life we could have had together.

“You think I don’t know that? I realize this, Addie. I fucked up, but don’t have so much hatred toward that baby. Are you really going to be like that? Five years from now are you going to look at your niece or nephew and just hate it?”

“I don’t plan on ever seeing my neice or nephew. I just…I hate it, but I honestly don’t think I could love your baby, Alan. Especially when I love you.”

“Can you imagine how hard it’s going to be on this baby…er…my baby? It’s going to grow up knowing that you exist, and hearing about you, and seeing pictures of you, but never knowing you.”

Alan had a strong point, but I just couldn’t stand to think about a baby running around with Alan’s ginger hair and my sister’s petite frame. I couldn’t imagine a baby running around that resembled my sister and the man that I should be spending the rest of my life with. Seeing that baby, having to hold that baby…it would kill me more than not being involved in its life at all. “It’d be better than me neglecting it in person.”

“This is fucking ridiculous, Addie,” Alan groaned. “I’m so fucking sorry that I ruined this, okay? I did love Jane, too, but-“

“So go back to your pregnant future fiancé! Go back to her, Alan! You shouldn’t be here. Stop just waltzing back into my life and making this more and more complicated!” I was crying now, the tears streaming down my face and my voice an octave higher than usual. I couldn’t stop the sobs and I couldn’t stop my mouth from running. “Fuck you, Alan. I fucking hate the fact that I love you so much. Do you not realize how bad it hurts to see you? Knowing that I can’t have you and never can? Get out of my fucking life, you’ve ruined it enough!”

I took fistfuls of my hair as my body began to rock on the couch. Alan was silent, staring down at his thumbs as he gently twiddled them in his lap.

“It’s always going to be like this, Addie. It’s never going to get easier, you know. I’m going to be in your life forever, you know that, right? I hurt, too. So much. Because I know that I fucked this up. I must have been drunk when I had sex with Jane last, because I don’t remember it happening. And this is the result. I was drunk and didn’t even think to put a condom on.”

“Alan, stop making excuses. When we would have sex, even when you weren’t drunk, you wouldn’t think of a condom. I had to tell you that I was on the pill.” My voice was so weak and silent, and I hated that I couldn’t speak up anymore.

Alan rubbed his temples, his demeanor suddenly changing. He took in a deep breath and slowly released it before shifting his position on the couch. He scooted in closer to me, so our knees were nearly touching.

“After I left England, Addie, after I left you, you were still on my mind. When I met Jane, she reminded me a lot of you, for reasons I didn’t know at the time. Every time we went on a date, I wished that I was with you. Every time I kissed Jane, I wished it was you. Every time my phone rang, I was expecting to see your name. Every time we had sex, I thought of you. Call it weird or obsessive, or whatever, but I fucking loved you so much and never stopped. And so I latched onto Jane because I was trying to find someone like you.

“When I saw you in Long Beach, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to stay away from you. After the first time we had sex, after that night at the club, I thought that maybe I could move on. Maybe I had gotten my fill of you and could try to focus on Jane, but I could never get enough of you, Addie. I had to keep coming back. And it’s why I still come back. Your love has infected my veins, and I just can’t get enough of you.”

“Why are you telling me this? It doesn’t matter now. There’s nothing we can do about this.”

Alan completely ignored my words, and continued on with his talking. “I fell in love with Jane. And I fell quickly, and for a brief moment I thought that I forgot about you. I thought that I had moved on, but the second I saw your face, sitting in that restaurant booth, your hair pulled back a bit so your beautiful face was showing, and those pearl clips in your hair, and the way your white and green dress contrasted with your hair and skin so perfectly, the way you always dressed so well and you were so gorgeous with no makeup…I remember how you look, exactly. I can see you sitting in that booth right now, a perfect picture in my mind.

“I knew that I wasn’t over you and could never get over you. In that exact moment, I knew that I didn’t love Jane. I never loved Jane. I only loved that Jane helped to fill the void that leaving you left me with. Her subtle similarities reminded me of you and that was the only way I was able to convince myself that I was in love with her. I can’t stand to look at her anymore, because now those similarities remind me that I love you and that you are here, and that I could have had you if I wasn’t so stupid. I’m not going to marry Jane. I am going to break up with her.”

I sat up quickly. I had grown so enveloped into his story and listening to how much I meant to him, but after hearing his last line, I felt like I shouldn’t have heard anything that I did. I felt that I shouldn’t have even existed. Because I could deal with my life being ruined, and although I wasn’t particularly fond of my sister anymore, I couldn’t stand with all of our lives being ruined – my life, Alan’s life, Jane’s life, and the baby’s life.

“You can’t do that Alan, there’s no point! Plus, she is pregnant! You can’t leave her now, you can’t leave that baby, and either way we can’t be together. That’s just far too fucked up. My sister hates me enough. If you left her and your guys’ child to be with me, my entire family and future generations of family would hate me. I would be the ‘removed’ family member!”

Alan chuckled a bit, but the laughter wasn’t sincere, it was nervous and heart-breaking. “I know that I can’t be with you, Addie. It kills me, but I know that we can’t happen. And I am not planning on leaving that child. I will be the best father I can be, but I think it’d just be best if I went back to focusing on the music and the life that I was living before all of this.”

I rolled my eyes. “Are you saying you want to be single forever? And just have random fucks while on tour? And then come back home just to spoil your kid and pretend like you care? That doesn’t sound like a very good plan to me.”

“I’ll never be able to love anybody like I love you, so what’s the point in trying? I’d rather be single than be trapped with someone I can’t love back. And I don’t want to pretend to be a happy father. I don’t want to sit there and tuck my kid goodnight and then go crawl in bed with Jane. I can’t live a fake life in front of my kid. I can’t sit there and let my kid witness the false love in my relationship with Jane. It’s not a good example.”

I was done with this conversation. I was done with Alan, and I was done with talking about all of this heatbreaking drama. I grabbed onto Alan’s sleeve and pulled him off the couch. He opened his mouth to ask what I was doing, but stopped when he saw that I was pulling him toward the front door.

“Don’t kick me out, Addie, please,” he begged. “I have so much more to say, I need somebody to talk to, please, Addie.”

I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Alan’s voice break. I let go of his sleeve and whipped around to stare into his eyes.

“Are you crying?” I shouted, in disbelief. A smile slowly creeping onto my face.

“Psh…no,” he huffed as he wiped at his eyes, pushing the tears away. His voice was weak and unconvincing, though.

I couldn’t help it, I began to laugh. All of this time, I thought that Alan was being so insensitive to this whole thing. I felt that he didn’t care, and I felt so alone, and so I had decided to leave Long Beach. And now, here he was, crying and confessing everything.

Boy, was my life fucked.

Notes

I'm so sorry this took forever for me to update. I was trying really hard to get it out sooner, but school is very time consuming :/ Especially with midterms coming up. Ack.

What do you think about Addie's work situation?

And what about everything Alan told her?

What is going to happen next?