Things were definitely different after last year at Warped Tour. I did a lot of shit. I lost a lot of people and I regret almost everything I did last year. I say almost because I certianly don't regret meeting some awesome group of guys. I thank them every day for their unconditionly love and support. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. I'd be six feet under, dead. I regret who I dated, the drugs I did, and what I did to the people I love. Most people go by "I regret nothing." That's bullshit. You always regret something. You can't go regret free your whole life at least that's what I think.

"Jess, you okay?" I heard Alan ask. I nodded then realize he couldn't see me because he was on the other side of the door. I opened the door and then nodded my head at him. He gave me a weak smile.

"Things will be okay." He said. I shrugged.

"I don't know how things will be okay when I pretty much lost everybody I love and I'm now putting the one person that loves me back into the ground. I fucking lost everybody. I might aswell give up, Alan." I said.

"That's bullshit, Jess. I love you. Phil loves you. Tino loves you. Austin fucking adores you. All of us care about you, Jess. Don't think you have anybody because you do. If you don't think you do well you are so damn wrong." He said pulling me into a tight hug. I felt tears fall from my eyes.

"Thank you, Alan. I love you all so much. I do appericate you all. You don't understand how much I do. I love you." I said pulling away from him. He smiled.

"We better get going. I know it's going to be tough but we all here for you. Don't shut us out." He said. I grabbed his hand and we walked down the hallway and towards the apartment door. We walked out and headed for the church. I hated funeral but who doesn't. The day went by pretty fast and I hated seeing my grandma being put into the ground. I had no family members that cared anymore. I had family but not blood. I stood there watching them lower her into the ground. My head was down as tears fell from my eyes. I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder for comfort. I turned a little and wrapped my arms around his waist as he wrapped his around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest.

"This can't be happening." I whispered trying to wake up from this nightmare.

"It'll be okay, Jess. Things will be alright." Austin said. I hugged him tighter and soon everybody was telling me goodbye and how sorry they were for my lost. Everyone of my family member disowned my grandmother and I for our decision we made in the past. Not one of those fuckers came to her funeral but I don't honestly think my grandmother would of gave a shit if they did or not.

"I appericate everything you and the guys have done for me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be here. I love you guys so much." I said. I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"We love you, too." He whispered. I threw one last rose into the ground and whispered, "Until we meet again this is a see you later, grandma. I love you." The guys and I walked slowly back to our cars. I rode back home with Alan but the guys were all meeting back at my place. Tonight, I was going to get fucked up. Tonight, I won't give a fuck what happens. I need to let loose. I need this.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shayley went to buy the booze or whatever that was going to get us all shit faced. I couldn't wait. Last year at this time I would be drunk and high but since I got disowned by most of my family, I settle down a bit and only drank on special events. A funeral was nothing of a happy special event but I needed this. I needed it. Shayley arrived back with a shit ton of booze. I grabbed a bottle for myself. When Alan tried to grab it from me, I slapped his hand away.

"Fuck off, Alan. This fucker is mine." I said before opening it and chugging it. I looked around and saw

Shayley's girlfriend and my best girlfriend sitting on the couch looking really bored.

"Carmen, you know I love you." I said I knew I drank fast and I know I was drunk.

"Yes, Jess. I know you do and I love you, too." She said. I sat down beside her.

"But you love Shayley more. It's not fair." I slurred.

She laughed,"It's two different loves, Jess. I love you as your my best friend and I love Shayley as he's my boyfriend."

I nodded,"Okay. I don't love anybody as a boyfriend because no one understands me and my fucked up self. I'm a fuck up, Car."

"Austin, what's up." Carmen asked looking behind me. I looked back and saw Austin hovering over me with a frown on his face.

"What's wrong, Carlile." I said trying to stand up. Austin help me up trying to grab at my bottle. I pulled it away from his grip. I looked down at it and realize it was empty.

"Come on, babe. You've had enough. Go get some rest." Austin said.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, my father. I don't think so. I don't fucking have anymore. My parents could fucking care less about me. My brother and sister don't give a rat's ass either. I fucking have no one, Austin. No one." I said as tears fell from my eyes again. I felt myself being picked up and I didn't bother moving because I was lazy. I just let him take me into my room. He put me on my bed and took my shoe's off me then pulled my pants off. He went to walk away but I grabbed his wrist.

"Stay with me, please." I said barely above a whisper.

"I don't..." He started.

"You don't care. Just go then." I said turning over and facing the other way. Soon, I felt the bed sink and arms around my waist. I turned around and layed my head on his chest. He hummed a little as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"I love you, Austin." I said right before I fell asleep.