I awoke in a bunk with a vague memory of the night before. After shotgunning the beers, I came to the sudden realization that not only was my car here, I had only a day’s worth of clothes. We had recruited someone who was sober and took my car to Charlotte’s apartment where I drunkenly packed my bags and explained to her what was happening. We then took a cab back to the buses and the venue. Alex and Jack had pushed me in a low bunk in the back around 1:30 AM.

I picked up my phone and checked the time, 12:30 PM.

“Shit.” I said jumping out of bed and going towards the front lounge.

Rian was sitting there on his laptop and he gave me a friendly smile and a, “Mornin’.”

“My head hurts.” I said falling on the couch opposite him. “How the fuck did we get to Charlotte’s?”

“I drove your car.” Rian smirked.

“Ugh, thank you.”

“Look who finally fucking awoke!!” Alex screamed coming out of the shower and jumping on me wearing nothing but his towel.

“Stop!” I screamed, maybe joining them on tour wasn’t that great of an idea.

“I’m going to get dressed.” He said standing up and shaking his wet hair off on me. “And then do you wanna go rehearse with me, and explain to me how you got that shit faced off of one beer.”

Rian gave me some advil while Alex was changing and then he called me into the back lounge. I grabbed my guitar and shut the door behind me when I got there, sitting on one of the couches.

“So…” He started staring at me.

“What!”

“I thought you didn’t drink…”

“I don’t typically. I’m a huge light weight.” I explained.

“Okay, well no one gets hammered on one beer.”

“Okay, I wasn’t out by myself last night, fuck.” I said sinking back into the couch.

Alex smirked; he knew how to get things out of me. “Continue…”

“I was with Austin.” I said it so quietly I wasn’t sure he heard me correctly.

“Carlile?!” He asked smiling even wider now.

“Yes! Yes, okay!” I said now exasperated and feeling like a silly high schooler. “I was with Austin, on their bus, and we were talking.”

“And drinking, clearly.”

“Yes.” I said giving him an eye roll.

“What else happened?”

“Nothing.” I lied. My mind was suddenly flooded with images from the women’s bathroom. The feel of his hands roaming my body, his chest pushing against mine, the lust that had deepened his voice and smothered his eyes, his lips crashing against mine, had it really only been a few hours ago? It seemed so much further away. “Can you just keep this between me and you?”

“Yeah, Rae.” Alex nodded. I knew I could trust him, I had before. “Just be careful.”

“What do you mean?” I asked picking up my guitar.

“He’s had really bad luck with women in the past.”

“I’m not like trying to get in a relationship with him, Alex.”

“I know that. I just love both of you a lot, and if something was to happen, I wouldn’t want to see either of you hurt.”

“Well thank you. Can we just play now?”

“You’re really that gullible Rae?” He asked laughing and standing up and leaving the room.

“What?”

“We don’t need to rehearse! I just wanted to get that out of you!” He shot a big cheesy grin at me as he left. “Don’t forget, the sets at 2!”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I had found the roof of the bus to be my new refuge. I loved alone time, and I craved it desperately. Being on the bus gave me very few chances to be alone; climbing up on the roof seemed to solve this.

The buses were parked in neat little rows, spread out in the parking lot like a little city. Crew members were unloading trailers, setting up tents, and counting merch. Band members were milling around, talking with their friends, heading to play their set, or just coming back. From my perch, I could see past the barricade and into the actual venue. Thousands of kids had come out to see the shows and support their favorite bands.

I heard him before I saw him, but my heart leaped into my throat either way.

“Dude, that was so fucking awesome!”

Seeing him brought an immediate smile to my face and I fought back the urge to call out to him. He was walking with Alan, both of them shirtless, hair drenched with sweat, definitely just coming back from playing their set.

The idea that he didn’t know I was still here was suddenly exhilarating. He had wanted me to stay longer the night before and suddenly here I was, and he had no idea. He was going to be so surprised and happy when he did eventually find out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“So, tell us about the latest edition to your band.” The interviewer asked gesturing to me.

“She’s more like a stowaway.” Jack said, Alex and I stood there giggling.

“Oh?” The girl asked confused.

“Raegan isn’t being added to the band officially.” Alex explained. “I asked her to come out and play a song with me, just for fun and the response we got from the fans was amazing. So, Jack and I asked if she would finish the rest of the tour with us.”

“Plus, she’s like our sister, we love her and we love spending time with her. So it’s like a bonus for us too.” Jack placed his arm around me as he said this and I couldn’t help but blush a little.

Every complaint the guys had had in the past about doing press was certainly true. It was so awkward, the questions always sucked (and the same ones were asked multiple times), and you just had to stand there and grin and bear it.

“And what about you Raegan, how did you actually meet Jack and Alex?”

“I…uh…I used to be a fan. I went to a show, stayed after to meet the guys and they liked me enough to want to hang out.”

“You know that every girl that sees this on tumblr is going to have some master scheme to stay after the show and be our best friend now.” Jack said making us laugh. “Like, you just made it sound so easy, Rae.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

That night it was decided that we would make our rounds around to the other buses as many of the other bands were having parties. Jack had mentioned making an appearance on Of Mice & Men’s bus, so I had made sure that I looked really good that night.

“Aw, look how tall you are in heels.” Jack said pinching my cheek. “You’re so cute.”

“Fuck off.” I said giggling and pushing him away.

I let the guys take the lead and followed them around meeting hundreds of band members.

Finally Jack started leading the way towards Of Mice & Men’s bus. My stomach was in knots as we opened the door and made our way inside. The bus had way too many people on it. You could barely move through the place. Alan laid eyes on Jack and made his way over, greeting him and Alex.

“You’re Raegan, right? Austin’s friend?” He asked pointing at me.

“Yeah.” I said smiling.

“He said you left!”

“He thought I left!” I corrected him.

“He’s over here, come on.” He said taking a hold of my hand and weaving me through the people. Austin was leaning against the kitchen counter talking to someone. He had a smile on his face and he was laughing. I felt the smile grow on mine in the anticipation of him realizing I was here.

“Yo, Austin! Look who I found!” Alan called, and pulled me forward through the crowd.

It was like someone had hit the slow motion button on the remote control of life. Austin’s gaze drifted from who he was talking to, to me. His face dropped and he managed to utter one word, “Shit.”

His reaction was not what I had expected either and my face dropped as I turned to see he was talking to a girl.

“Raegan!” He said suddenly catching himself and trying to seem like he was happy to see me.

“Hi!” I said trying to muster a smile on my face.

“I thought you left!”

“I was going to. But Jack and Alex asked me to stay.” I explained briefly. The girl was standing there, looking me up and down. I could see her out of the corner of my eye. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of even a glance. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

“Yeah!” He said still smiling. “I’ll text you!”

I had already started walking away. I should have known that the night before had been too good to be true. But I decided to put on a brave face, and pretend that seeing him talking to someone else wasn’t bothering me. We were friends, right? Not even friends. Strangers. Who had kissed, albeit passionately, but still strangers nonetheless.

I found Jack and Alex and hung out with them for a little while longer, before deciding I really needed to be alone, with my guitar. I made my way back to the bus, got my guitar from the back. I kicked off the stupid heels I had put on and threw my perfectly curled hair into a bun on top of my head. Grabbing a sweatshirt, I climbed up to the roof of the bus and hoisted my guitar up with me. I sat and looked at the stars for a little bit. I had to have been kidding myself in thinking something more was really going to happen between the two of us. He probably kisses girls like that every night on this stupid tour. Last night it was me, this night it was her.

But there was still something about him that was making me not able to think ill of him. He had seemed so real that night. So perfect, so enchanting.

Laughing to myself, I started playing ‘Enchanted’ by Taylor Swift and singing to myself.

“Uh oh!” The sound of Alex’s voice made me stop mid song and turn to face him. He had climbed up and was coming to sit next to me. “Someone’s singing Taylor Swift, what’s wrong?”

I giggled, “She does have a song fitting for almost any situation. Nothing’s wrong though.”

“You were just sitting here singing, ‘please don’t be in love with someone else,’ for the fun of it?” He asked mimicking me.

“You sang that well. You should really consider covering it.” I replied sarcastically.

“Is it Austin?”

“No!” I said trying my best to sound as shocked as possible. “Why would it be Austin?”

“I saw him talking to another girl.”

“I don’t care about that. I just met him Alex.”

“You kidding yourself or me?”

“Okay…so I care a little bit.” I admitted sighing. “But I just feel like I shouldn’t care! I don’t know him from a hole in the wall. Ya know? Like why should I care! I don’t have a reason to! But there’s something about him that’s almost intoxicating.”

Right at that second my phone went off. We both glanced down to see Austin’s name lit up on my homescreen.

I looked up at Alex to his him raising his eyebrows at me, almost giving me his okay to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?”

“With Alex…”

“Can I see you?”

I looked at Alex again who was playing with my guitar but I knew he was listening to every word.

“Sure, where?”

“I’ll come there. I’ll see you in like two minutes.”

I hung up the phone and sighed.

“Relax.” Alex said laughing and helping me up. We both climbed back inside the bus and I made my way outside just to see Austin come around the corner of the bus next to us.

We looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before I turned and led him towards the back of the bus, past the trailers, and into the grassy area. I continued to walk a little ways out so we were more in the middle of the grassy area, before turning to face him.

“Hi.” He breathed. He stood about seven feet away from me, hands in his pockets.

“Hi.” I replied.

“I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for earlier. I acted like an idiot and I shouldn’t have.”

“Austin, please don’t apologize…”

“No, I acted like I wasn’t happy to see you. I was…I am. It just took me by surprise.”

“I was trying to surprise you…I guess that was dumb of me…”

“Raegan, why are you here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you all the sudden just here, on the tour with us?”

“The response from the fans from me playing was like unbelievable, so Jack and Alex asked me to stay on tour with them.” I shrugged.

“That’s great!” He said suddenly excited. He was taking steps closer to me. Each step brought back a flashback from that night. Lips. Hands. Legs. Warmth. Lust.

“Where’d your friend go?” I asked. She hadn’t left my mind either since I had laid eyes on her.

“Who?...” His eyebrows came together in confusion and then suddenly drifted away when he realized who I was referring to. “Oh, she was a fan. She was asking me about our new album and stuff.”

I couldn’t help but stand there and laugh. She was a fan. I had been all freaked out and worried about absolutely nothing.

“Why are you laughing?” He asked now laughing with me.

But I couldn’t answer, the idea that she was just a fan was too much for me. Tears streaming down my cheeks, slowing to just a giggle, I looked at him. Him and that fucking smile.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked.

“Nothing.”

We were both standing, grinning like children in a candy store.

“You wanna do something?”

“Sure”

“Kay” He said smiling.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

July 25, 2012 - Chula Vista, California

Bus call was at 6 AM, but I was sound asleep. I awoke to see we were already I at the next venue.

Me: You up? 

Austin: Just woke up, haha. Come over if you want.

I quickly changed and made my way over to the Of Mice & Men bus. Deciding against knocking, I made my way in. Alan was sitting on one couch, Tino on the other, both on their computers. Austin was standing in nothing but his underwear, eating cereal.

“Uh, hi.” I said awkwardly.

“Hi” He said with his mouth full, milk dribbling down his chin. “You wanna come to Walmart today? Alan and I are going.”

“Sure!” I agreed. I knew I had to stop looking at him, standing there practically naked, but it was really hard not to.

“Well you better get dressed first, there sweetheart.” Alan said. “I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.”

“Oh, okay Alan.” Austin said. “Maybe I don’t want to go anywhere with a little ginger, did you think about that.”

Austin couldn’t even say it with a straight face. He started laughing before he finished. Alan just looked at him and laughed, shaking his head. Austin made his way into the bunk area to change, singing to himself in some made up language as he went.

“How are we getting to Walmart?” I asked Alan.

“We’re going to walk, there’s one up the street.”

Kids came running up in all directions when we were in the store. Everyone wanted a chance to meet Austin and Alan.

“Austin, I love you so much. You saved my life.” A young girl was standing in front of him, bawling.

“Aw, you’re so sweet. Come here.” He said pulling her in for a hug. “Rae, will you take the picture for them?”

“Of course!” I said taking the girls camera from her and snapping a few pictures of her and the boys.

“Thank you so much.” She said still crying.

“Are you Austin’s girlfriend?” Another fan asked me.

“Me? Oh god no.” I said shaking my head.

“She’s just a friend.” Austin explained as he signed a boy’s shirt.

After saying good bye to all the kids, we grabbed a cart and the guys started shopping for some food.

“That was amazing.”

“What?” Austin asked looking at the chips.

“You. And your fans. That’s incredible.”

“Yeah, they’re really amazing.”

“You’re so caring. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a celebrity-“

“I’m not a celebrity!” He laughed.

“Okay, well someone that’s somewhat in the limelight, act like that towards fans. That’s just amazing. You act like they’re your friends.”

“I’ve been there.” He shrugged. “I know what they’re going through.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“First tattoo you ever got.”

“The star, on the inside of my arm.”

“Really?” I asked raising my eyebrows and looking at him?

“I thought it was cool!”

Giggling I laid back down. “You’re turn.”

Austin and I were laying on the grass behind the buses looking at the sky. We had spent the entire day together laughing and it was the most fun I had had in a while. He was just so easy for me to be around.

“When you were little, what’d you want to be when you grew up?”

“A veterinarian, I love animals.”

“That’s rad. Tell me about your family.”

“My dad pretty much abandoned me when I was 12.” I said feeling the sudden uneasiness of talking about my past swirl in my stomach. I hated having to explain how fucked up everything had been. “My mom’s an alcoholic, but she was an amazing mother at the same time. She did everything for me and worked her ass off to make sure I had everything I needed. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay her for that.” I leaned up to look at him. “What about you?”

“My mom died when I was 17…my dad was an alcoholic too. He did the best he could to take care of me but he wasn’t always the best. He wasn’t my mom, ya know?”

My stomach sank. I couldn’t believe his mom was gone. I could tell that she had meant a lot to him just by the look in his eyes. “What’d she die of?” My question came out as a whisper. I was scared to ask it; scared of his answer.

“She had Manfran’s Syndrome…it’s a disease…it effects the connective tissues.” He wasn’t looking at me anymore, but back up to the sky. His words came out slowly, yet steady. “In the worst cases, it effects the heart….that’s why I have this heart tattoo with “mom” over it. It’s for her.” He pointed to the heart in the mess of tattoos on his right arm. “The really shitty thing is, I have it too…”

This was not what I was expecting to hear. I had no idea he suffered from any sort of condition. He had always seemed so healthy and vibrant. “What does that mean for you? Like, how does it affect you, I guess is what I’m trying to ask...”

“Well, my aorta valve in my heart was too big, just like hears was. And it was causing a lot of problems and I wasn’t able to go on tour and do what I love. I had the surgery to get it fixed…” He sat up and turned to face me. Slowly he pulled the neckline of his shirt down and used his phone to show me his scar. “So now I have an artificial valve. My heart was put on ice for two hours and I was technically dead.” He chuckled a bit at the memory. “I have to be slower than other people, and rest a lot more, which is bittersweet. But at least I can do what I love now. And at least I’m not in pain.”

“That’s fucking insane…”

He laughed, finally turning to face me.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to sound so rude…”

“You’re fine.” He said giving me a smile. “I’m okay. I’ve been through a lot of bull shit, but everybody has shit thrown at them. It’s life, ya know. It’s not easy.”

“You know, I bet if you look up “optimism” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of you.” I said shaking my head.

He laughed again and reached forward pulling me into his chest, holding me close enough that I could hear his heart beating.

“You’re amazing Raegan...” He said with a sigh. “Absolutely amazing.”

I couldn’t help but smile as he said that. There I was, overwhelmed at his story and how strong of a person he was, and he was calling me the amazing one. He was making it really hard not to fall head over heels in love with him.