Selfish Machines

“And I think I’m falling for him.” After I say that Tony’s face completely shifts.

“Oh no.” Tony says disapprovingly rubbing his forehead.

“I know it seems bad but it’s actually not things are different, he’s changed I swear.” I plead.

Before Tony can reply Jaime walks up and takes a seat with us.

“Hey any big plans for your birthday this weekend?” Jaime asks clearly not sensing the vibe of mine and Tony’s conversation.

“Not that I know of, I’m sure Mikes going to have a big party like he does every time and since I’m staying there I’ll be forced to go.” I answer.

“I totally forgot you and Mike share the same birthday!” Tony chimes in.

“How is it hard to forget? He posts flyers all over the school for his ‘birthday bash’ it’s all anyone ever talks about, it’s the party of the year.” I say.

“There hasn’t been any flyers, confetti, poster boards, graffiti or anything about the party yet this year.” Jaime says.

“Hey yeah that’s right, I haven’t heard anything about it yet either. Maybe he‘s waiting till he‘s out of the suspension to make the announcement?” I suggest.

“Probably.” Jaime shrugs.

“If anything we will probably just end up hiding in the basement we can lock the door and drink just the four of us like we use to. Well I guess five now, Tony are you brining Alysha?” I ask and he nods. “Speaking of Alsyha where is she anyways?”

“She’s home, she has the flu.” Tony says.

“Makes sense on why you’re actually talking to us now.” Jaime teases.

“What jealous I have an actual girlfriend?” Tony bugs back.

Before they could continue on their little banter the bell rings.

“Spencer I’m coming over later tonight. I just have to head home after school drop off a few things then we can hang out!“ He shouts walking away waving. We all head our separate ways.

After school, me and Mike meet at his car.

“So I was talking to Jaime earlier and he asked me if I was doing anything for my birthday and it reminded me that I haven’t seen you spray painting billboards or handing out flyers for your ‘annual birthday bash’ are you not having one?” I ask as we start to drive.

“Nah.” He shrugs.

“What do you mean ‘nah‘?” I ask astounded.

“I have something special planned.” He says grabbing a hold of my hand. “It’s not just my birthday, and plus the party last year was way too wild. If my parents found out I was having another they’d kill me.”

“Something special?” I ask. My mind racing thinking of a million things.

“It’s a surprise.” Mike smiles.

“Mike you know I hate surprises.” I say rolling my eyes.

“I also know you say that every time because you love them but you don’t want to admit it.” Mike says parking the car.

“Oh, so you know everything about me hey?” I ask.

“Pretty much.” Mike shrugs. “I know you pretend to hate romance because you fear becoming a cliché. You steer away from anything that makes you super ‘feminine’ you only hang out with guys, I’ve only ever seen you wear a dress a handful of times.”

“Says Mr. I never sleep with a girl for more than a week because I fear commitment.” I defend.

“That’s different. I don’t fear commitment.” He responds.

“Right. You fear getting hurt.” I roll my eyes.

“Don’t you?” He asks. “I could not imagine giving my all to someone, putting every ounce of love I have into them and not holding back a single thing just to have them wake up one day and tell me they don’t love me anymore. Sometimes it’s just easier to not get attached so you’re not terrified going to sleep next to them. There is a method to my madness” Mike taps his finger to his temple.

“So it’s all or nothing” I say understanding where he’s coming from. Mike’s never explained why he is the way he is before. “What am I?”

“Come on let‘s go inside.” Mike says dodging my question but as he goes to exit the car I grab his hand.

“Mike.” I plead. He shuts the door and turns to me.

“It’s hard okay? You spend all this time fighting the way feel, pushing it away and ignoring it. But then it finally happens and you can’t hide from it anymore. That‘s enough questions.”

Before I get a chance to respond he gets out of the car, walks over and opens the passenger door.

“Let’s go inside.” He says opening the door. The air is stale. He grabs my hand and helps me out of the car. I try to process what Mike said but it’s hard. Is he going to leave me in a week when he finds someone better? Or is he going to realize tomorrow that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he’s too scared that one day I‘ll leave? Or is he going to give it his all? I know Ronnie said that Mike seems different, but what if Mike realizes tomorrow that he doesn’t want this…. Doesn’t want me.

My insecurities run wild as we walk to the front door. So many different scenarios running through my head. Mike was right this is terrifying. I feel a tighten in my chest as soon was we walk inside. I think I’m about to have a panic attack.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Mike asks shutting the door and placing his backpack on the floor.

“Sorry I have to rewrite that paper from last week and then Jaime is coming over.” I say trying not to choke on my words, avoiding Mike I run up the stairs.

“Oh okay bye I guess” Mike’s voice slowly fades as I get further away.

Notes