It had been a week since I overheard Jeremy and Neil’s conversation. The rest of that night was a blur. I remember hobbling back to my bus with Gabe fussing behind me, trying to help me, but I was unresponsive. It was so much to process for me. I vaguely remember Dan and Shae asking me what was wrong, and everyone following me to the bunks. I never gave them an answer. They still don’t know what happened that night, and I was planning to keep it that way.

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t hate Jeremy. I didn’t want anyone else to harbor any ill-will towards him, either. In truth he hadn’t done anything wrong. It was me who had been following him, trailing after him like a lost puppy. I still felt embarrassed when I thought about it, about how desperate and clingy I must have seemed. I wouldn’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt to think that Jeremy found me to be a burden the entire time. It made my stomach churn. Something about being hated by him… It made my skin crawl. There was nothing I could do about it now, though. All I could do was put distance between us. Try to stop thinking about it. Try to move forward.

“Hey, guys,” I said as I approached the table my bus mates were all congregated at in the catering tent. They fell silent as I approached and I could only assume it had been me they were talking about. I’m sure they did a lot of that recently. They could tell I was feeling down, but I didn’t want to make anything out of this situation. There wasn’t much to it. I liked Jeremy and he thought I was a pest, and now it’s time for me to take the hint and leave him alone. That’s all there was to it.

“Hey, Case. How are you feeling?” Dan asked as he pulled the chair next to him out for me to sit.

“I’m fine,” I said as I perched on the edge of the seat, leaning my elbows on the table top.

“Did you get enough sleep last night?” Shae asked from across the table, studying my face.

“I got some,” I nodded, and she cocked her head to the side.

“You’ve got some serious under eye bags, girl. You’ve barely been getting any rest these days. What is going on?” She prodded and I shook my head.

“I’m fine, really. Let’s just eat our breakfast, okay?” I asked gently and she sighed, leaning back in her chair as a sign of retreat.

“Okay, I’ll leave it for now, but you will tell me at some point, come Hell or high water,” she grumbled, digging into her plate of eggs and bacon. I smiled slightly at the stubborn girl, picking at the fruit cup I grabbed, sighing as I dug the fork around aimlessly.

“Come on, Case, you’ve gotta eat,” Dan said quietly, delicately. He rested his hand on the back of my chair, giving me a concerned look. “I don’t like seeing you this way. I understand if you’re not ready to share, but I’m here for you. You know that, right?” I nodded in response to his question, mustering the most convincing smile I could.

“Thanks, Dan. I know. It’s just really not a big deal. You know me. I’ll bounce back in no time,” I tried to convince him as well as myself, and he gave me a weak smile, patting my head before he turned back to everybody, jumping into the new conversation they were having. I locked eyes with Gabe at the other end of the table and he gave me a goofy smile and wave, and I couldn’t help but chuckle, returning it. It was true that I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself since that night. I just didn’t have an appetite, and sleep didn’t come easy with all my thoughts swirling like demons in my head. No matter how heavy my eyes were, I could never escape into my dreams, no matter how hard I tried. I avoided people as much as possible. Mostly specific people. People I didn’t want to bother.

Just as I thought that, I saw the front flap of the tent lift, and Jeremy stepped inside. We made eye contact momentarily, but I looked down swiftly, biting down on the inside of my cheek, suddenly filled with anxiety. My stomach was a bundle of nerves. I sat for a moment, thinking I could act normally, but in the end I couldn’t shake the urge to flee. I stood, and my friends all looked up at me. I quickly dismissed their concerned expressions, saying I had to run to the restroom. I scampered off, disappearing in the opposite direction of where Jeremy came in.

As I wandered around outside, I felt myself winding down. We were in Georgia, and the air was warm. A little humid, but comfortable. It was already almost March, and spring was just around the corner. With the weather being significantly less freezing, especially down here in the south, I could finally wear more outfits like the one I had today, simple shorts and a t-shirt, making me feel a little more at ease. It seemed oddly calm out, only a few people wandering around. The peace and quiet was wonderful, and I felt my mind finally settling. The fresh air was really helping. A side stage came into view, and without thinking I made my way over.

I peeked around, but there was no one to be seen. I sighed with relief, glad to be alone. I wandered slowly up the steps through the back, and onto the stage, empty except for a few large amps and a guitar rack, already prepped for the show tonight. Our day off last week came and went. I thought back to that night on the bus, when Jeremy asked me to spend the day with him and the guys. The memory was bittersweet now. It had made me so happy, to have him ask me to spend some time with him. Now my chest ached when I thought about the empty words. He probably never meant them.

I shook the thoughts from my head, clasping my hands behind my back as I mosied around the stage, hearing cicadas buzzing nearby. I thought about all the times when I was younger, that I felt down like this. It was mostly my senior year of high school, after Ryan graduated, that I felt so bogged down, a little bit hopeless. I had a hard time with my peers back then. Without my big brother to protect me I found that there were people who wanted to hurt me, and I had no way of stopping them. There was one girl in particular. She was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She didn’t like me, and she made it a point to let me know, but she was clever about it. She befriended all my friends in school back then, winning them over, to the point where they all believed she could do no wrong. She would bully me, hide my things, push me down, have her jock friends tousle me up behind the gym after school. But no one believed me. She had manipulated all of them, and I was left alone. I felt helpless and misunderstood back then, isolated. It was similar to how I was feeling now. But this time there was no point fighting it, because unlike then, this time I was the problem. There wasn’t someone manipulating anyone in the shadows, it was just me. Annoying and insecure.

I took a shaky breath, reaching out towards the rack of guitars. This was my escape then, and it would be my escape now. Music. I gripped the acoustic on the rack, pulling it out and sitting down on the edge of the stage with the instrument perched on my lap. I strummed the neck a few times, tuning it a little until it was perfect. I picked at the fret board until a song came to mind, and I began playing ‘Just Breathe’ by Pearl Jam. It was a soft song, with a jovial enough tune. If you listened closely the lyrics were melancholy, but a little hopeful. Human. I felt them resonate with me as I sang softly with the music. I felt my heart pour out with the guitar as it hummed along with me. The emotion left my body through my fingertips each time they switched chords, every time they picked a string. I felt the ache in my chest but I embraced it. The music invaded me, filled all the empty holes, flooding in with every word I let out.

Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win,
Under everything, just another human being,
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me
You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean...

I stopped short as I heard shuffling behind me. I whipped around, surprised by who I saw standing there.

“Hey, Gabe, I didn’t… know you were there. What’s up?” I said, quickly standing, rushing to put the guitar back on the stand.

“Oh, you don’t have to stop! I… Was just listening…” he said, flustered, waving his hands around.

“It’s okay, I was pretty much done anyway…” I said softly, and an awkward silence fell over us.

“You’re… Really talented. You have a beautiful voice,” his last words were almost a whisper, and I had to strain to hear them. I had seen Gabe flustered before, embarrassed even, but shy was kind of new.

“Thanks… We should probably head back,” I motioned towards the exit door to the stairs behind him and he looked from them to me.

“Oh, yeah, we can, I just… I wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, after last week. You’ve been really out of it these days… You can tell me if anything happened. If you need a shoulder to lean on… I don’t mind,” he took a few steps towards me as he spoke until he was right in front of me, rubbing the back of his head nervously. I stared at him for a moment before I chuckled softly, smiling down at my feet.

“Thanks, Gabe. I know I can depend on you. This is just something I have to deal with on my own,”

We stood, surrounded by a moment of quiet as he seemed to search for words to say.

“Is this about Jeremy?” he asked so suddenly, I didn’t even realize how quickly my head shot up. I must have looked shocked, but he continued. “I… see the way you look at him, and… Look, he’s not good enough for you. There are better people out there. And they’re not as far as you think. There are people who want to protect you, and make you smile… Not make you cry… The way he did,” his face was dark now, serious.

“No, Gabe, that’s not… It’s not Jeremy’s fault…”

“How is it not, Casey?” he took a swift step towards me, grabbing my hand in his. Surprised by his sudden vigor, I took a step back, trying to pull my hand away, but he held it firmly. “You’re just blinded by your affection for him, you don’t see him for what he really is. He’s selfish, and cold, and unkind-“

“You’re wrong,” I interrupted, glaring down at my feet, my free hand balled at my side.

“What?” he looked perplexed, irritated.

“Jeremy may seem like that, on the outside. But underneath all that tough exterior he’s gentle, and warm, and kind-hearted. He’s always been there for me… Even when I thought he hated me, he was there for me. He hit Ramone for me. He took care of me when I was so drunk I couldn’t stand up straight. He gave me his jacket and made sure I was warm. He brought me coffee when I was hungover. Does that really sound like someone who’s selfish and cold and unkind?... People aren’t one dimensional. People have layers. Sometimes if you look close enough you can see the walls they put up to keep themselves from getting hurt, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad people, and it doesn’t mean they’re undeserving of love,” my voice trembled as I spoke, feeling the emotions well to the surface.

“Love?” Gabe laughed in exasperation. “You love him?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” I snapped, ripping my hand out of his.

“Look…” he took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. “I know you can do better,”

“Why do you keep saying that, Gabe?! As if I was ever pursuing him!”

“Because you are! All you ever look at is him! You don’t have eyes for anyone else!”

“Who else am I supposed to be looking at?!”

“Me!” he shouted, hands pressed firmly against his chest. “You’re supposed to be looking at me! I’ve always been there for you! I’ve been nothing but kind to you! So why, after all this time, can’t it be me?!” he was panting, eyes wide with fury and passion. I stared at him, like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to say. For the first time in a week, my mind was blank. “I have liked you since the first time I saw you… There was never any room for me, was there?” his anger seemed to be dissipating, now replaced by a tired bitterness. I had never seen this side of Gabe. Though after what he said, I wasn’t surprised that he hid this side of himself from me. The side of him that threw tantrums. The side of him that was raw and pleading.

“I’m… Sorry, Gabe… I just…”

“No… Don’t say anything,” he said firmly. I looked up at him, confused. “I don’t want your answer right now. Give me time… To win you over. I will win your heart, Casey. Until then, let’s pretend this never happened,” his words were stern, forceful. I tried to protest, but he turned, walking briskly away.

I stood in the silence of the stage for a moment, my jaw dropped, not sure what to make of the events that had just transpired. Gabe had liked me all this time? The one he said he liked… That he lived with…

I swiftly turned, rushing down the steps. I had to escape this place. Even outside I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was this happening? Jeremy hated me. Gabe liked me, and what’s worse is that he isn’t the same caring Gabe I knew all along. There was another side to him. A forceful, impatient side that he had stowed away. It felt like a lie. Like he had manipulated me. Did I really know him at all? What was he really like? Everything was going wrong.

“Casey,” a voice jerked me from my thoughts, and I looked up, coming face to face with the tour manager. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet.” He stepped to the side, revealing a beautiful girl, taller than me, with curly blonde and brunette ringlets of hair, and long, slender legs. She had pouty lips, and doe eyes, and was well endowed for her petite body. A man’s dream. I remembered those pouty lips. I remembered that soft blonde hair. My eyes widened. It felt like this was the nail in my coffin.

“Marissa…” I breathed.

“Casey! It’s been so long. Since senior year of high school, wasn’t it?” she asked coyly, tilting her head to the side.

“Oh, you guys know each other?” The manager asked, looking back and forth between us.

“Like sisters,” she smirked. It felt like I was prey, and I had once again fallen to the wolves.

Notes