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The Way Down

Chapter 16

“Don’t go,” I pouted at Ryan as we both approached the taxi cab waiting outside for him, pulled up against the curb outside the venue. It was night now. Ryan had come to the show, standing back stage, watching me as I worked. I felt proud of what I was doing, like a little kid who was trying to impress someone, but I didn’t care. I was glad he got to see me in my element. See that I was happy and that being away from the family was worth it, even though it was hard. Things felt a little off after lunch, though. Ryan was unusually quiet, and Jeremy seemed to be avoiding me during the concert. I had tried to talk to him, but he disappeared every time I started to make my way over. I tried not to read too much into it, concentrating on my brother, who was right in front of me, for what would be the last time in months.

“You know I’ve gotta go, Case,” he chuckled as he set his bag down, turning towards me, extending one arm outward for a hug. I obliged, ducking into his side.

“I don’t want you to,” I muttered as I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing tightly as my eyes closed and I thought of how much more I would miss him now that I saw him for this short time, and how it was even harder to say goodbye now.

“I mean, I don’t want to, either,” he sighed, wrapping me up in his arms, resting his head on top of mine.

“Will you tell dad and Joey that I miss them?” I asked, and I heard his small laugh before it came out of his mouth, my head bouncing against his chest with the lofty breath.

“I would have told them even if you didn’t say it, bug,” tears welled in my eyes at the childhood nickname, and I squeezed harder against him. My family was such a big part of my life. When I wasn’t with them it was like I was missing a part of me, like a corner of my heart had been uncorked and dropped in a bottle that sat in their hands as they waited for me to come home. It took me a moment, but I eventually released him, stepping out of his grip.

“I’ll be home in four months,” I said with a weak smile and he returned it, turning to get into the cab.

“We’ll be waiting,” he waved from over his shoulder, ducking into the vehicle. I watched with a heavy heart as the cab drove away, releasing a deep sigh as they turned the corner, gone from my sight. I turned, making my way back into the venue, kicking the gravel lightly as a I walked, feeling weighed down. As much as I loved touring, and making my own place in life, there were still things I hated about it. The hot, muggy days, sitting in the bus for hours while we drove, the creepy people you could sometimes encounter on the road. And missing my family. Thinking about the past, playing outside with my brothers, searching for “treasure”, excited just to find a few quarters down the block. Forcing each other to eat our least favorite foods behind dad’s back at dinner in exchange for favors. Getting in fights and hiding out in the dog house until the other came to find you. Nostalgia washed over me, and I felt a sadness sitting in my chest that I knew wouldn’t go away very soon.

I decided to think about the things I loved about being on tour, instead. Surely that would help me feel better. Spending everyday with my closest friends. Shae dressing me up in her girly clothes, and even though I refused to leave the bunks in them, secretly liking some of the outfits. Dan making jokes about every situation, ever, never taking anything seriously. Seeing different places, animals that weren’t around where I grew up, tiny towns with people so friendly I was surprised they existed. Eating different foods that I couldn’t eat anywhere else, breathing the fresh air of the mountains, playing in the snow that we didn’t have in Florida. I felt better, thinking for a long time about all the things I loved here.

“Jeremy!” I called as I saw him ahead of me, my thoughts dissipating as he turned in my direction. I jogged toward him, but slowed as his brows furrowed, and he turned, walking away, a troubled look on his face. I took a few more steps to close the distance. “Hey, I was thinking about where we could go with everybody on our day off, and I heard there’s a water park not far from here,” I said to his back as I tried to keep up with him. It seemed like he was speeding up. He glanced back over his shoulder at me, pausing for a moment, before he resumed fast walking away from me.

“Now’s not a good time,” he rasped, digging his hands into his hoodie pockets. My brows were set hard, a look of concern etched across my face.

“Are you okay?” I jogged ahead once more, bounding in front of him, making him stop suddenly. He gave me a look that I couldn’t discern. A mix of frustration and sadness.

“I’m fine,” he said hesitantly, trying to move around me.

“Are you feeling sick?” I asked as I lifted my hand to his forehead, checking his temperature. Suddenly his hand swatted out at mine, knocking it roughly away from him. My eyes widened as he looked at me. He looked almost as surprised as I did, seeming to have moved instinctively.

“I'm... Sorry... But I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”

With that he side stepped around me, continuing on towards the catering tents where I could hear everyone talking and laughing. Something about him was sharp and unwelcoming. Just like before. The noise seemed to shift behind me, into white noise, as I stared at the place Jeremy had been, completely thrown by his actions. I wasn’t sure what had happened, my mind reeling with possibilities. Had I upset him? Did I do anything to make him angry with me? The thought alone made me queasy. I took a shaky breath. Today had been such a long, eventful day. I was tired, but when I thought about Jeremy keeping me at arm’s length I was filled with a surprising courage I didn’t know myself to have.

I turned on my heel, quickly picking up pace in the direction Jeremy had gone. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it felt like we had gone back in time, back to when things were tense and awkward. Back to when we weren’t friends. I didn’t want that. I really didn’t want that.

I rushed into the catering tent, pushing back the drape and glancing around. I scanned the area, but he was nowhere in sight. I felt like I was on a mission now. I was determined to find Jeremy and make sure everything was alright between us. He had felt so far away all night, and I had been denying it, keeping it in the back of my mind, but after our interaction I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. My body was coated in a cold sweat, nerves washing over me with anxiety. I walked around the back of the tent, searching all around, my eyes skimming over everything. I heard him before I saw him, Jeremy’s distinct voice, around the corner. I walked faster, hearing him more clearly now. I got nervous the closer I got. What would I say? Was I over reacting? Maybe I didn’t need to say anything at all and things would go back to normal. But I didn’t want to chance it. This didn’t need to be anything dramatic, I just need to make sure things are okay. Make sure we were okay. I slowed my pace as I approached the corner of a cement building, realizing he had been heading towards the empty stage, a place similar to where we had escaped to the first night we had a real conversation, where things were quiet and separate from everyone else.

“I’m just saying, you look like shit, dude,” I stopped as I heard Neil’s voice, suddenly second guessing myself. I didn’t want to interrupt anything in my own selfish plight to make sure Jeremy wasn’t upset with me. The more I thought about it, the sillier I felt. My determination was dwindling as nerves and self-doubt took over. We were probably fine. I hadn’t done anything, so why would Jeremy be mad at me? I shook my head, feeling ridiculous. It was stupid of me to follow him here. I turned to leave but stopped in my tracks as I heard Neil speak again. “All this shit with Casey is distracting you. Maybe you should just keep some distance for a while if she’s stressing you out that much.”

My stomach dropped, and suddenly it felt like there was a fire smoldering in my chest. My eyes widened and I braced myself for his reply. I was silently begging for him to deny it. Did I stress Jeremy out? Is that what this was? All this time I had been trying to get closer and it was just a bother to him. The thought made me sick to my stomach.

“It’s not like that, man, it’s just…” Jeremy sighed, and I bit down on the inside of my cheek, trying not to jump to any conclusions.

“No, it is like that. You have to think about your career, Jeremy. Our career. She’s a distraction, especially now. There’s no point pursuing any of this. You said it yourself, it’s hard to talk to her, and now it’s hard to even look at her. This is like your freshman year of college all over again. Why are you torturing yourself? Just do yourself a favor and cut off this extra limb before it becomes more of a burden.”

My legs shook as I stood, my back pressed firmly into the wall that was holding me upright. My fingers were pressed to my lips, a feeling of disbelief coursing through me. Is that really how Jeremy felt? All this time? I was always just a stressor. He never enjoyed the time we spent together, not the way I did. Never looked forward to seeing me the next day like I did. Never feeling nervous and excited the way I did. I had been foolish, thinking he could feel the same, hoping he did. It was one sided the entire time. All of it.

I walked listlessly back towards the buses, at least I hoped that’s where my feet were taking me. I didn’t look up as I meandered around the venue, ambling around pathetically. My blood ran cold with embarrassment, my heart aching in my chest. Why was it so painful? Surely this had just been a little crush this whole time. I had even thought I was fine not dating Jeremy, as long as we could be friends, and I could be by his side. Now it felt like he was so far away. I thought I was getting closer to him, but it was just an illusion I had tricked myself into believing.

“Casey?” I heard Gabe’s voice and I looked up slowly, listlessly. “What are you doing out he-“ he paused staring dumbly at me. “A-are you okay?” he hurried over, looking worried.

“What?” I croaked, not sure what he meant.

“I’m really sorry, Casey, but I’m not really good with comforting people… When they, uh… cry,”

I reached up numbly to my face, feeling the wet tears on my fingertips. They were falling freely from my eyes, cascading down my cheeks. I felt all the emotions that had been swirling around in my mind crash down against me, weighing me down. I felt like I was drowning. Why was it so painful to think that I was hated by Jeremy? Why did I care so much?

“Oh… I didn’t even realize… I’m sorry. I… I’m fine,” my voice cracked and I dropped my face into my hands, shielding it from view. “It’ll stop soon, I promise,” my voice was muffled and small. I crouched down, sniffling into my arms, letting the sadness overtake me. There was no point resisting it. One of the people that made me happiest on this tour thought I was a burden. A distraction. A nuisance. I just needed to let it all out. Gabe wrung his hands nervously, and at some point I was vaguely aware of him rubbing my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. I hardly noticed. The silence wrapped around us, ate us whole. That was how I sent my brother off. That was how I let me and Jeremy’s friendship wither.

Notes

Comments

@Pikaponn
I literally just started reading it last night. I'm also building up the courage to post my own. And thank you!!!

@Miss Hathor
Ask and you shall recieve! Haha I'm sorry I haven't been keeping it as updated on this site, I didn't know I had anyone who was really into it! It's up to chapter 13, so I'll keep it updated here, too ^ ^ Thank you for the comment :)

Pikaponn Pikaponn
2/19/16

I absolutely love it!!! We need a chapter 10.

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Pikaponn Pikaponn
1/17/16