I glanced around the parking lot of the venue, the air dusty and thick with sand from the brown gravel that crunched beneath my feet. I felt strange when I left the bus this morning, feeling the dense, muggy air. Leave it to Texas to be seventy-five degrees in February. I toyed with the frays on my black denim shorts, trying to preoccupy myself as I waited for my brother to arrive. Dan and Shae leaned against a chain link fence about ten feet behind me, sipping on a water bottle they were sharing. We all looked up as we heard a car pulling in, and a grin erupted across my face when I saw my brother, pressed against the glass of the back window, staring out at me excitedly. He burst out of the sedan as soon as it pulled to a stop, turning and handing the driver some money. As soon as he was settled up and the car was pulling off he threw his bag to the side and charged at me, tackling me into a hug.

“Casey!” he cheered into my hair as he picked me up, swinging me from side to side in a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, beaming, feeling my feet dangling in the air as he bounced around enthusiastically. “I missed you so much,” he laughed as he squeezed me, not letting me down for a second. Ryan and I had been so close growing up that it was still strange not to see him on a daily basis. Neither of us could ever seem to adjust to the long stretches of time spent apart when I went on tours.

Memories washed over me as I thought back to the years spent growing up together. We were absolutely inseparable, practically attached at the hip. I thought of the hectic mornings when we were in high school, rushing out the door to get there on time. I would sleep in the passenger seat of Ryan’s old jeep while he drove, and he would play his music low so he didn’t wake me. If anyone at school messed with me, Ryan was right there, backing me up. Anytime a boy broke my heart or someone majorly wronged me Ryan was always skulking somewhere nearby, giving them the stink eye, ready for any action. It was strange for me when he graduated a year before I did. Lunches seemed to drag on without him teasing me or making me eat foods I didn’t like. The commute was too quiet without his classic rock playing on the stereo, or his loud voice talking over the wind whipping around the dingy jeep. I was happy when I graduated and we started working together at dad’s studio, having more time together again. But after a few years I realized I wanted to do something more, be more hands on in my job. Ryan was never bitter about the distance, but always pouted on the phone with me when I was away, and made me buy him dinner when I came back home. They were very fond memories for me.

“I missed you, too,” I smiled as he finally set me down, throwing an arm over my shoulder as we walked over to Dan and Shae. I had an obvious bubbliness about me today, overjoyed at seeing him. I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet, grinning from ear to ear. It felt different, having such a personal part of my life visiting the tour. I was unaccustomed to seeing any of my family members at the venues. It felt like two very big parts of me were overlapping for the first time, and it was almost like giving a private tour into how I spent my time. It felt like I was being spoiled with attention, and I was a little ashamed to say I was enjoying it so much. But for the first time I could give my brother a peek into my life on tour. He could see how I spent my time, how I did my job. I couldn’t reign in my giant smile. “I’m excited to introduce you to everyone.”

He rolled his eyes at my comment.

“Who cares about meeting everyone else. I just wanna see you,” he looked down at me. His dark hair was even longer than the last time I had seen him, pulled back into a short and messy pony tail, some unruly pieces of hair framing around his face. He wasn’t quite as tan as me, though he could be if he spent as much time outside as I did. Ryan looked more like our dad, while I resembled our mom. His eyebrows were thick and slightly arched, with a neatly trimmed beard framing his jaw. He had a couple of tattoos, but the only obvious one was a tribal style one that wrapped around his forearm. None of the men in my family were incredibly tall, Ryan standing at around 5’ 8”, however they weren’t nearly as short as my mother and I.

“You’ll get plenty of time with me, but I want you to meet some new friends of mine,” I chuckled, his arm falling from my shoulders as I stepped ahead of him, grabbing his forearm to pull him along. As we walked I pointed out different things about the venue, like where we parked the buses, and the stage and merch stations that I would be working tonight. I introduced him to people here and there, waving at most as we passed them. We were a month and a half into the tour, and everyone knew each other at this point. A familiar face came into view. My heart leapt.

“Hey,” I smiled shyly as Jeremy approached with Neil in tow, clasping my hands together. He returned a quick smile, nodding. He slowed as he reached me, and we stood in silence for a moment, staring down at the ground before I thought to introduce the boys. “Oh! guys, this…” I pulled Ryan over from behind me where he was chatting with Dan and motioned to him, “is my brother Ryan. Ryan, this is Jeremy, and this is Neil,” I gestured to the two. They all shook hands and nodded at each other, suddenly having slightly serious expressions on their faces. I rolled my eyes at the manly show.

“Nice to meet you, man,” Ryan said as he dropped Jeremy’s hand.

“Likewise,” Jeremy replied. Neil looked between my brother and I with a concerned expression.

“Is your family just made of pretty people?” he asked. We looked at him, both confused and quite amused.

“What?” I laughed, scrunching my nose. Ryan raised his eyebrow, chuckling.

“You guys have a stupid amount of good genes is all I’m saying,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“Thank you?” I questioned, not sure if I should take it as a compliment or not. He laughed at my obvious bewilderment, not clarifying anything at all as he continued walking. I smiled to myself, knowing Neil had a dry sense of humor, and that was just his way of breaking the ice. When Neil began to walk off it prompted everyone else to go their own way, as well, Ryan, Dan, and Shae all continuing towards the buses. Only Jeremy and I remained, not speaking, wrapped in silence again.

“Will you be at the show tonight?” he asked quietly and my eyes met his. He was handsome as usual, his russet eyes studying me, making me squirm. Talking to Jeremy always created a ball of nervous tension in my chest, but I was starting to get used to it. Starting to enjoy the feeling. I nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” a smile crept onto my face, and I swayed lightly from side to side. “Oh yeah, I washed your jacket. Drop by later and grab it?”

He nodded in response to my question.

“I’ll be there,” he mimicked, and both of us began grinning wider.

“If you want-“

“Casey, let’s go!” I was interrupted by Ryan’s shout as he waved me over. They were already a good fifteen feet ahead.

“Sorry,” I apologized as I took a step towards them and Jeremy shook his head.

“Of course. I’ll see you tonight,” he said quietly.

His last comment had a goofy smile on my face as I jogged over to everyone, catching up quickly. It didn’t take us long to get to the buses, and we burst loudly into ours.

“Honey, I’m hooome,” I called as I emerged, coming face to face with Gabe and Natalia who were sitting on the couch, both on their phones. They looked up, catching sight of my brother as he walked in behind me. Natalia’s eyebrow raised as he came into view, seeming intrigued, and Gabe simply gave his usual friendly smile. “The long awaited guest of honor,” I bowed with my hands palms to Ryan, kneeling slightly. He curtsied and they chuckled, raising from their seats.

“Ryan, this is Gabe,” I rested my hand on Gabe’s arm and he shook my brother’s hand.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Gabe grinned. “Casey talks about you all the time.”

“Talking a lot of shit, Casey?” Ryan raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded.

“Constantly,” I said, tilting my head to the side. He sneered at me momentarily before turning his attention to Nat. “And this is Natalia,” I introduced. Ryan studied her for a moment before his signature charming grin overtook his features. He had suddenly taken on a more charismatic air, stepping towards her, lifting her hand to his lips.

“My pleasure,” he simpered up at her from her fingers and she smirked down at him.

“What is this, Pride and Prejudice?” I asked with a bemused look, staring at her hand against his mouth. He rolled his eyes and released her, still not turning back to me.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Natalia had a flirtatious look in her eyes as she stepped towards my brother coyly, taking on a girly stance with one foot lifted slightly off the floor, leaning into her hip.

“Casey never told me she had such a gorgeous bus mate,” Ryan was laying it on thick, grazing his hand against her forearm. Natalia feigned a look of shock.

“How ironic, she never told me her brother was a hunk, either. Shame on her,” she shook her head, placing her hand firmly against his bicep.

“I can’t believe I’m watching this disgusting display,” I muttered to myself, turning towards the door.

“Alright, alright, break it up, you two,” Shae pushed through. “Let’s go get some lunch before Casey sees something she can’t unsee.”

“I second that motion,” I raised my hand as we both walked out the door, everyone else casually dawdling along behind us. As soon as Shae and I were a little farther ahead, she leaned in to whisper to me.

“So your brother and Natalia are painfully aware of each other… Oh! But you also got to introduce him to Jeremy,” she wiggled her eyebrows as she elbowed my arm playfully. I rolled my eyes.

“That was no big deal,” I looked down at my feet as I kicked at the ground shyly, wanting to avoid the subject while my brother could possibly overhear. The thing about my brothers is that they were always massively overprotective. Every time I dated someone new they had to endure an intense line of questioning from Ryan and Joey, and if things didn’t end well my brothers would be the first ones threatening to beat the shit out of the guy. It was endearing, and I felt loved, but I didn’t want Jeremy under scrutiny. We were purely friends, and I didn’t want Ryan giving Jeremy any other impressions that would make him uncomfortable around me.

“Sure it was. He got to meet your lover boy,” she sang, and I grabbed onto her arm, glancing behind us to make sure Ryan didn’t hear.

“Shh. I don’t want Ryan to know… That I… You know. Have someone… I like,” I blushed, not used to admitting it out loud. Shae squealed and I pulled on her arm once again, giving her a look of desperation. She resigned, a lop sided grin still plastered across her face. She nodded in understanding and we both started giggling, linking arms. As we settled down, though, I overheard Dan and Ryan’s conversation behind me, reigniting the fear I had just confronted.

“Yeah, she’s giggling like a girl in love,” Ryan laughed, I assumed at me.

“Maybe that’s because she is,” Dan scoffed, and my blood ran cold.

“What?” Ryan turned to him, brows furrowed.

“She’s got a certain someone wrapped around her little finger,” Dan raised his eyebrows at my brother, smirking at him with a knowing look. My brother immediately turned and locked eyes with me.

“Case, you didn’t tell me you were dating anyone,”

“I’m not!” I defended, stopping so they could catch up to us.

“Might as well be,” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Dan, stop it,” I hissed and he looked up, finally getting the hint that I didn’t want to talk about this with Ryan. His face dropped into an ‘o’ shape and he gave me an apologetic look.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Who is it, I want to meet them,” Ryan suddenly seemed bigger as he stopped walking, with an intimidating look on his face.

“There isn’t anyone,” I said grumpily, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Come on, Case, don’t be like that. You know as your older brother I just want to have a few words with this guy,” he mirrored me, crossing his arms over his chest as well.

“Well I don’t want you to.”

“Well that’s too bad.”

We were staring each other down, glaring daggers. I didn’t want my brother butting into my love life when there wasn’t one to speak of. There was no way I was letting him near Jeremy to threaten him for something he didn’t do. Probably wouldn’t do. Even though I felt so much closer to Jeremy recently, he still felt far away, like something in a museum that I could admire all day, but if I reached out I could never quite touch it. If Ryan approached him trying to intimidate like he always did, Jeremy would only feel that much farther away. I didn’t want that. I wanted to protect this small sliver of closeness I had achieved.

“Come on, guys,” Gabe stepped between us, placing his hand on my lower back. “Let’s just get to catering, get some food. You don’t want to spend your day together arguing, right?” He gave me a soft, reassuring smile. My face softened and I nodded, turning as he led me away. I felt Ryan’s eyes on my back, and though his demeanor relaxed as well, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was watching my every move now.

“Thanks, Gabe,” I smiled up at the tall man, his brown hair having a slightly red tint to it in the direct sunlight. He was almost glowing from where I stood, and I had to stifle a laugh. He was like a tower, blocking the strong light from my eyes.

“No problem, I’m here to help,” he grinned down at me, now throwing his arm over my shoulder. I leaned into his side as we walked, chatting amongst ourselves the entire way. It didn’t take long to reach the catering tent, and as we walked in we all lined up, fixing our plates.

“Oh, hey, they have your favorite,” Gabe chimed from beside me, pointing to the pesto pasta at the end. I cheered, rushing over and reaching towards the dish. As I grabbed the catering spoon my hand grazed the hot pan. I yelped, dropping my paper plate and gripping the burned hand. It throbbed, turning red, and the entire side of my right hand was stinging all over. Gabe dropped his plate and utensils, rushing over.

“Are you okay?” he asked, worried. I nodded, holding the area of tender skin. Gabe gently lifted my hand away, holding my wrist delicately, as if I would break if he wasn’t incredibly careful. He reached over and retrieved a piece of ice from one of the water pitchers, and pressed it softly to the pulsating skin. I sucked in a sharp breath of air through my teeth, but didn’t pull away. “You have to be careful, Case,” he scolded lightly, and I sighed, nodding bashfully. “It’s not bad, it’s not even blistering. It should stop hurting here in a minute,” he said and rubbed my upper arm in an attempt to comfort me. I looked up and saw that our group was huddled around me, backing up the line.

“Thanks,” I smiled weakly at him as I stepped out of the way, everyone else doing the same. My eyes met with Ryan’s, and he had his head tilted to the side, one eyebrow raised.

“You okay?” he asked, but his mind was clearly somewhere else, probably still thinking about my nonexistent boyfriend.

“I’m fine. Sorry, guys,” I looked down sheepishly, biting my lip. “Let’s get back in line.” They all agreed, moving pack to our spots.

“Actually, I’m gonna run to the restroom,” Ryan said, and disappeared quickly out of the tent.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Jeremy’s POV


I finished rinsing my hands in the stained porcelain sink, placing both palms firmly against it as I stared myself down in the mirror. I let out a deep breath, studying my face. Meeting Casey’s brother had felt strangely intimidating. It didn’t feel like I was just being introduced to someone on the tour. It felt more important. It also felt like I had failed a test I didn’t know I was taking. They really resembled each other. I could see how important he was to her, and I found a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips, thinking about how excited she had been. I shook my head, taking a final deep breath before I moved, striding out of the bathrooms. Just as I rounded the corner I was surprised to find Ryan, leaned lazily against the wall with a cigarette in his mouth. He glanced over and our eyes met.

“Hey, man,” he greeted, taking a deep drag. Despite my usual avoidance of social situations, I felt the urge to stay. To get a look into another side of Casey’s life.

“Hey,” I nodded, leaning a few feet away from him. “Can I bum one?” I asked, and he obliged, handing me a cigarette. I held it between my lips, and he lit it for me. “Thanks,” I said with a mouthful of smoke, then exhaling, my muscles relaxing. I didn’t smoke often, but sometimes it was nice to calm my nerves.

“No problem… Hey, can I ask you something?” he spoke slowly, his head tilted at me, scratching his jaw with his cigarette dangling between his fingers.

“Shoot.”

“What’s Casey like on tour?”

His question took me off guard a little. It had been close to something I was asking myself. What was Casey like off tour? At home, in her day to day life. Did she have pets? Did she like to cook? What were her favorite things? I couldn’t say it was the first time I had considered these questions. It felt strange, though, to have someone who had so much access to her life, ask me about what she was like. Like in a way, I knew a part of her someone so close didn’t.

“She’s a hard worker. She’s always doing her best… She gets excited about catering food, which is funny because hardly anyone does. She’s the fastest at wrapping cables, too. Don’t tell anyone I said that, because the sound techs would be pissed… It’s cute when she gets excited when people bring their dogs to outdoor venues… Also I think she’s probably the only person who hasn’t been pranked by anyone on this entire tour, because everyone kind of wants to take care of her, you know…” I realized I was rambling and stopped myself, taking a deep drag of the cigarette, looking away from him. Possibly to hide the tint of red that had covered my cheeks. I decided not to say anymore, hoping it wasn’t strange that I had noticed all those things in the first place. I was mentally preparing myself for him to get angry, maybe thinking I was a creep. But he didn’t get mad. He nodded, a small smile forming.

“Sounds like Casey all right…” he shook his head, chuckling. “She does have a tendency to overwork herself, though. I worry about her… Travelling out here, with all these people, and I’m not here to watch over her. I’m glad she has a friend like you.” He gave me an approving look, and I nodded, feeling oddly satisfied. It felt like I had taken another step in the right direction. In her direction. I had wanted so badly to close the gap between us. To be able to talk to her without a reason, just to say hi. To eat with her, spend time with her. To become a regular addition to her life. The more time I spent with her the greedier I felt, always wanting more. Wanting her.

“I didn’t expect her to have a boyfriend, though,” he sighed, breathing in more smoke. My head snapped up. What? What boyfriend? I felt myself tense.

“Boyfriend?” I asked, my brow furrowed, mind reeling. It felt like I had taken a blow to the gut.

“Yeah, you know, that Gabe guy.”

It took me some time to process his words, running over them again and again in my mind.

“Where did you hear that?”

“From Dan,” he replied, looking over at me. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head, dropping the cigarette to the ground.

“I, uh… I need to go… Take care of something…” I lied, backing away, finally turning and walking forward.

Images of them together flashed through my mind. Things that had bothered me before, but I had no place to say anything to prevent them, to stop them. Casey holding Gabe’s hand as they walked away from the bar that night. Them returning, her wrapped around his back, laughing. The way he hugged her after shows. The way he was always touching her, her arms, her back. How he looked at her. How I knew it was the same way I looked at her.

I walked into the catering tent, glancing around wildly in search of my band mates, hoping they could be the voice of reason for me. Instead I saw Casey, seated next to Gabe, laughing. Her hand was on his arm, his palm draped over her leg. Skin against skin. They were cracking up at something Dan had said, evidently. She leaned into Gabe, her head pressing against his arm as she laughed deeply, and he removed his hand from her thigh, instead draping it over the back of her chair. My stomach sank. My chest felt tight and hot. Like it was being squeezed and at the same time pulled taut. I took a shaky breath, backing out of the tent, heading towards my bus. I kept mulling everything over in my mind. It felt like I had a thousand thoughts swirling in my head, but at the same time I felt so blank. So hollow. I had wanted so badly to close the gap between us.

Notes