The Way Down

“What’s up?” I asked, swallowing nervously, staring shyly down at my feet. We were in Arizona at the moment, and even though it was early January and winter was at it’s strongest in most places, here it was just a little crisp, a comfortable 65 degrees fahrenheit. Because of that I had dressed lighter than usual, with only a pair of black denim shorts that fell a little above mid thigh, a long sleeved black henley shirt, a baggy green parka, and my black vans shoes. I could see the goosebumps that had risen on my thighs from standing near the door where it was breeziest and I felt a lump forming in my throat.

Jeremy stood maybe a foot and a half away from me, looking a little nervous, but with a gentler expression than I was used to.

“The other night with Ramone… I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I checked on it and they fired him. You don’t have to worry about seeing him around… If you were worried, that is. If you weren’t then I’m sorry for meddling. Unless you’re happy I meddled, then I’m not sorry. Well, not that I’m not sorry, I just-”

“Jeremy,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “Thank you. That… means a lot. That you cared enough at all. It’s really sweet of you,” I held his gaze, a smile tugging on the corners of my lips. He started to smile back slightly. With the distance between us I could see specks of green and gold in his hazel eyes, my breath catching in my throat. It felt like we were floating there, time suspended around us, not breaking eye contact. It felt like he could hear every thought in my head.

“Yeah,” He breathed, breaking eye contact and clearing his throat. I looked away, a blush creeping onto my face. What was I thinking? “Of course… How is your cheek? Does it hurt?” his voice sounded a little shaky as we both turned slightly, avoiding each other it seemed.

“N-no, not anymore after that first night,” my words were hard to catch, feeling like if I didn’t force them they would sit in my chest forever. I felt my hands trembling, and I couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or the nerves. I shoved them into my jacket pockets and let out a shaky breath.

“Are you cold?” his eyes looked me up and down and I shook my head.

“Just a little, but it’s nice,” I smiled. “I like the cold… We should catch up with the others,” I said, turning to exit the bus. His hand caught mine, and I looked back to see him staring at me, pleading with his eyes for me to stay.

“Um… Actually, there was one more thing…” he said, and I turned slightly, waiting to hear him out. “This week… We have a free day, and me and the guys were thinking about going somewhere. Like an amusement park, or the beach or something. Would you… want to join us?” he bit his lip lightly and my stomach leapt. I started at him in silence for a moment. “Unless you have plans already, it’s fine if you say no,” he looked down nervously. My hand was still in his, sparks shooting up my arm.

“No, no I don’t!... Have plans, that is. That… that sounds really fun,” I laughed softly, and his head snapped up, a spark in his eyes. My heart squeezed and I felt goosebumps erupt across my body, making me shiver. He took a step closer and my stomach jumped up into my chest.

“Are you sure you’re not cold?” his eyes studied my face, and I could feel his body heat.

“Y-yeah,” I rasped, my voice throaty. I was worried he could hear my heart beating in my ears like I could. We stood there unmoving, wrapped in a blanket of silence. I couldn’t stop thinking about his hand on mine, or how warm he was in front of me. I looked up and caught his eyes. We felt so close…

“Hey, what’s taking you guys so long?” a loud voice erupted from behind us as the bus door was pulled all the way open. I yelped, jumping forward, into Jeremy’s chest. Quickly I realized and took a step back, giving him an apologetic look before I turned, seeing Dan before us. “Oh… Sorry for interrupting,” his eyebrows were raised high, his face surprised. He wasn’t used to seeing me alone with boys, that was more of a Shae kind of thing to happen.

“No, we were just heading out,” Jeremy said quietly, resting his hand on the small of my back, gently nudging me out the door. I began nodding, shooting Dan a weak look, but he simply smirked at me. Feeling self conscious and a little embarrassed, I walked faster than the guys, trotting along ahead of them as I heard them chat behind me. I felt eyes burning into my back but refused to turn around. Soon enough I caught up with the rest of the group, looping my arms through Shae and Nat’s. They both looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” They asked in unison, looking me up and down, seeing my red face and the awkward movements. I shook my head at them.

“Later,” I mumbled, and they looked at each other and back to me, giving a firm nod. I was grateful to have two friends who knew when I needed some space or time for my brain to catch up with my emotions. My mind was reeling, going over what just happened on repeat. I couldn’t believe I had such a tender moment with Jeremy, the king of being mysterious and confusing. Though it was rare, on a few occasions I felt like I got to see the real him, and not the cold front he usually put up. The him that was warm and comforting and protective. The him that would go out of his way to make sure I felt safe and secure.

I could feel my stomach twisting, both unsettled and excited. Adrenaline was pumping through me and I felt weightless. Despite the anxiousness I had tumbling around inside me, it also seemed like I could do anything right now. I began to feel antsy and hyper, trying hard to suppress my goofy smile.

We walked a good ways, and after about twenty minutes reached our destination, which I didn’t know a thing about until we arrived.

“A bar? I thought we were going for food,” I laughed, staring up at the red neon sign that read ‘Rudyard’s Pub’. The building had a slightly old fashioned feel to it, red brick towering above us with a patio off to the side buzzing with excited chatter. It was mostly people looking to be in their mid twenties or early thirties going in and out, several people leaning against the wall, smoking and chattering. The atmosphere was friendly and lively as we walked through the heavy, green entry-way door, classic rock playing on the speakers, drowned out by the sounds of the large crowd of people.

“A bunch of others are already here, so we figured this was a good spot to end up,” Shae clarified, walking ahead of me a bit. Familiar faces came into view, and I saw Gabe waving enthusiastically. I grinned, making my way over to him.

“Hey! I was wondering where you went earlier,” I said as I approached, giving him a quick hug. There were several other roadies gathered at a table beside us, as well as several members of the other bands. Everyone already seemed to be sufficiently tipsy or drunk. “How long have you guys been here?” I asked, looking back to Gabe.

“Umm… Like an hour?” his cheeks were rosy and he seemed relaxed. I could tell he had been drinking his fair share as well. I chuckled as I looked him over. He was slouched against the brown wall with a beer in hand, a tired, lop-sided smile crossing his face. “I’m glad you’re here,” he drawled, throwing an arm over my shoulder. I laughed, leaning into him as I spotted Shae walking over with two pint glasses in hand.

“Look who’s enjoying themselves,” I teased, poking Gabe in the ribs. He chuckled deeply, swatting my finger away. I took the glass Shae extended to me, sipping on it as I realized it was pear cider. Soon enough I could feel my stomach warm as I drank. Though I wasn't even remotely tipsy, Gabe was quickly getting more and more inebriated. He began rambling to me about how much he was enjoying the tour.

“Like, everyone is so nice. So nice! I love everyone on this tour. Everyone is so amazing,” he was leaning to one side and I pulled him back up with his shirt. He began giggling and I couldn’t help but laugh at him, an incredibly tall guy who looked like he could kick your butt in a second, snickering like a teenage girl at a slumber party. This was a good distraction from how flustered I had been earlier.

At the thought, I glanced over at Jeremy. I looked at him for a few seconds before he turned, our eyes meeting. He shot me a soft smile and I returned it, the warm feeling in my belly intensifying. It felt like I was burning up inside.

“Especially you, Casey,” Gabe mumbled from beside me and I turned my attention back to see him staring intently at my face. I looked at him fully, confused.

“What?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“You are so wonderful. I’m so glad I met you,” his penetrating gaze was intense, and I found it hard to look away when he seemed so serious.

“I’m glad I met you, too, Gabe,” I laughed, trying to break some of the tension that had grown, not quite sure why he had become so stern all of a sudden.

“I’m serious,” he was slurring less now, his words clear and sharp. “You’re so beautiful,” he finally tore his gaze from my eyes and took a lock of my hair, spinning it between his fingers. I felt an awkwardness settle over me, looking away from him, seeing Jeremy staring intently out of my peripheral vision. I decided to try concentrating on Gabe, though, not sure what was going on with him. I had never seen this side of him.

“Gabe…” I said, looking up at him shyly. He could see that he was making me uncomfortable and dropped my hair.

“Sorry,” he muttered after a moment, maneuvering around me, heading towards the door. I began to walk after him but felt someone rest their hand on my shoulder, looking up to see Shae.

“He seems like he needs some air,” she said sympathetically.

“That was really weird,” I cocked one eyebrow as I sat down at the end of the table next to Dan.

“You know what’s weird?” He said, honing in on me, completely changing the subject. “Walking in on your best friend all cozied up with a guy when she barely tells you she likes someone,” he whispered, smirking.

“Dan!” I hissed, slapping his arm as he laughed. “It’s not like that! He was just making sure I was okay,” I said under my breath, shooting glances at Jeremy, who was staring out the window, seemingly unaware of our conversation topic, which I was thankful for.

“Uh-huh, making sure you’re ‘okay’,” he said, using air quotations. “He just wanted an excuse to snuggle up to you,” he shook his head, taking a swig of beer from the bottle in his hand.

“Jeremy doesn’t see me like that,” I blushed, looking down at my own drink.

“Alright, so you’ve instantly confirmed my suspicions that he’s the guy you’re into,” I shot him a glare as he said this. “And now you’re counting yourself out before you’ve even tried?” he gave me a firm look. I knew this side of Dan very well. He was always trying to push people to go for the things they wanted, and didn’t like watching his friends give up easily.

“Oh my god, don’t even start with me, Dan,” I rolled my eyes. “Look, it’s not something you rush, okay? What if I don’t even like him? I don’t know what this feeling is. I get really flustered and nervous around him, and I’m always looking for him in a crowd. It’s new to me. And anyway I’m not looking to go forcing anyone to act interested in me. Especially Jeremy,” I pouted down at my hands as we spoke quietly, feeling Dan staring at me.

“Wow, Case, I had no idea you were in this deep,” he chuckled and I looked at him with obvious irritation. “Alright, alright. I’ll leave it alone,” he said, raising his hands up in surrender. “For now! Don’t think this is over,” he tutted, ruffling my hair. Groaning, I leaned away, drinking the rest of my cider before sighing and standing up.

“Do you want another?” I asked Shae and she grinned, nodding furiously.

“I am determined to enjoy myself tonight, come hell or high water,” she sighed contentedly, leaning back into her chair. I laughed at her, walking away and approaching the bar. I stood at the end for a few moments, waiting for the bartender to get around to me, until something outside the window caught my eye. My brows furrowed and a look of concern crossed my face as I spotted Gabe sitting on the curb, head in his hands.

I abandoned my quest for the drinks as I promptly made my way out the door, making a bee-line for the sad man, slumped over pitifully.

“Are you okay?” I asked, resting a hand comfortingly on his back. He jumped slightly, his back muscles tensing, before realizing it was me and relaxing. He sighed, dropping his head back into his hands.

“No,” he muttered, shrugging my hand off of him. Frowning, I sat carefully beside him on the sidewalk.

“What’s the matter?” I asked gently, craning my head so I could see part of his face. He looked depressed, a heavy pout on his lips.

“You wouldn’t understand,” he sighed, turning away from me.

“I can try,” I implored, leaning in closer to him, resting a hand on his knee. “I’m here if you need someone to listen.”

He looked at me miserably, seeming to question himself for a moment before he caved, leaning into me, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled softly, returning the hug, rubbing his back as he sank into my shoulder.

“There’s this girl,” he muttered, and I gasped, perking up. I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him back to look in his eyes.

“You have someone you like?!” I asked, excited. I had only known Gabe for about a month, but he became an important friend to me in no time. Hearing about another aspect of him, exploring the parts I didn’t know, was refreshing for me. It made me feel closer to him.

“Yeah,” he seemed to cheer up a bit, smiling, albeit sadly.

“So what’s the problem?” my face dropped, realizing things might not be going so smoothly if he was sulking out here.

“...She doesn’t see me like that,” his head dropped.

“How do you know?” I asked, my hands still on his shoulders.

“I can tell. She sees me as a really good friend,” he sighed, dejected, and I pulled him back into a hug.

“Well, maybe if you tell her how you feel then the way she sees you might change,”

“I can’t tell her,” he shook his head roughly.

“Why not?”

“I… live with her…” he said slowly and my eyes widened.

“It’s someone on the bus?!” I gasped, looking at him with surprise. He nodded slowly, not meeting my eyes. “Oh my god, is it Shae? Is it Nat??... Is it Dan?” He glared at me at the last suggestion and I gave an apologetic look.

“Look, I can’t… I can’t tell you who it is quite yet, but give me some time. I’ll tell you, just not now,” his eyes were hard set, staring intently at the ground. A wave of understanding washed over me and I nodded, standing and offering my hand to him.

“Come on,” I said as I stared down at him.

“Where?” he asked, confused, but still taking my hand and standing.

“Just trust me,” I grinned, pulling him off in the opposite direction of the bar. I glanced back just in time to see Jeremy looking at us out the window. I turned quickly, my face flushing. I walked away faster.

Notes