We have a very special lesson today! Meet me out at the field at noon.

Oh, fun! It’s always a good day when we get to have special lessons! I’m glad that he didn’t find out about what had happened. I’m glad he didn’t get to see my weakness. I didn’t like it when my love sees my weaknesses. It makes me feel shameful.

The barn was empty. I guess he had already moved out to the field. It was almost noon anyways, so perhaps I should head out.

The sunlight streamed through the windows. I snagged a small pistol, sticking it in my belt and tucking my shirt around it. I bet we were going to do pistol training. We always seemed to do that when we went out to the field.

The car engine purred under my gentle touch. The tires shrieked as they left the gravel road and began a quiet murmur as they took off on the tar highway. The old truck needs an oil change. I should really get on that. Perhaps after our special lesson!

It was a half hour drive out to the field. When I got there, I saw the tall frame of my love standing out in the middle of the field. I smiled as I left the car. He turned his head, squinting against the harsh rays of the sun as I bounded towards him, falling short a few feet in front of Nicco.

There seemed to be a figure with her head bowed kneeling next to him. I looked to the man curiously. He grinned easily, lazily.

“Good morning, Zila. I trust you found my note.” He said evenly. My eyes scanned between him and the older woman, at least twice his age. I looked back to him. His shoulders were relaxed, both hands behind his back. He stood straight, even. Nicco only stood like this when he knew he had something held over me, something that I didn’t know about.

I nodded to the woman, her head still bowed. She seemed to tremble as the wind picked up. “Is she a Grey?” I asked softly. Nicco chuckled.

Darkly.

“No, no, my sweet. She is far from it. You would know her.” He shrugged carelessly. My heart stopped. I didn’t know anyone besides Nicco. My mom was dead, Austin was away, the band had escaped, all I knew was him.

“But Nicco, I know of no other person besides you and our targets.” I countered. He raised his right arm, a small gun held in his tightly wrapped fingers. He pointed it at the woman’s head. My eyes went wide.

Nicco said that we don’t kill innocents…

He said she wasn’t a Grey. She was an innocent…

We are the Light. We are the good guys, right?

Right?

“I believe you’ll know your own mother.”

And my mom looked up at me.

Her face was bruised.

She looked abused.

Black around her eye.

Her eyes were wide and wide and wide and the moon shone through them.

And I nearly burst into tears.

“MOM!” I cried out. Her lips trembled but she could do no more than moan. I looked at Nicco, the gun pressed against her temple. My eyes filled with tears.

I can’t do this. I need to clear my head. Emotion makes me distracted. Distraction equals death.

And it wouldn’t be mine.

“Please…l-let her go…” My mom croaked. Nicco glared at me darkly. Even the sun seemed to shrink under his stare. I trembled, trying to see what he would do. No, not my mother. What was his goal?

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that. You see, your daughter here has been misbehaving and I’m afraid that I’ll have to punish her.” Nicco clucked, the gun clicking under the trigger being ready to be pulled.

In an instant, I pulled out my own gun, the one I thought we were going to train with. I held it up, pointing it at Nicco.

I want my mom alive.

But I love Nicco.

But Nicco is holding my mom at gun point.

But he has treated me so well.

But what was he doing now?

But I love Nicco.

But I love my mom.

But I need to save her.

But I need can’t pull the trigger.

Nicco’s eyes squinted in a darkness that clouded over his vision. His teeth barred in an animalistic savagery that I hadn’t seen before. “My love, you’ve disobeyed your orders. I know Austin is still alive. My scouts have reported back to me that someone in all black with incredible skill had aided in his escape. Only you could’ve done that. Oh, my love. You’ll need to be taught…a special lesson.” He hissed, the gun pushing further into my mother’s head. Her eyes watered, tears spilling out of the corners.

“Nicco…please…please my love…I’ll never do it again! Please just let her go! Just let her go safely!” I sobbed, tears watering my vision. He shook his head.

“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t, my sweet one. Now, be a good girl and put the gun down. I’ll make it quick for her. She didn’t need to live in misery anyways.” He coaxed. I shook my head, hand trembling. How was I ever going to get a straight shot?

How was I ever going to shoot?

“Nicco…please…” I wailed quietly. My mom shook as the tears flooded down her cheek.

“Don’t you love my, my dear? Put the gun down and just watch your lesson.” He hissed more violently this time. I bit my lip to keep from another sob wracking my body.

He shook his head and sighed. “Oh, my love. Shoot me first, and my muscles will tense up and make me shoot her. There is no win.” He clucked, eyes steeling to a stare that would normally kill most. I held his stony gaze, tears streaking down my face.

“Honey, just put the gun down. It’s okay. Just be safe. I love you, Zee.” My mom whispered. I looked to her, lip trembling. I cried out, “No, Mom! I’m going to get you out of here! Please, Nicco, just stop!” I wailed.

Nicco’s finger tightened on the trigger. I don’t think I had long left. He shook his head, a deep, threatening laughter escaping his parted lips.

“No good deed goes unpunished.”

And then…there were two shots.

So close, but just far enough apart to cause all the difference.

My mother tumbled first, her body wracking in a final spasm as blood leaked out of two holes, equal distance apart on either side of her head. Her eyes dimmed, not even shut. The orbs that once used to quietly smile down to me, a silent happiness as I grew up. The spheres that were up so high as I was a little kid. They were gone and dulled and dead and no more.

Nicco tumbled next. His knees buckled under him as he breathed no more. No more. No more of Nicco.

I had killed.

For the first time, I had killed.

And with that

I felt a part of my soul dying.

**

I walked. I walked. I walked and I did not stop.

I walked to the truck, I got into it, I dropped the gun out the window, and I kept on driving until I hit the border of Idaho, a small town where no one knew me and I would be another passenger forgotten in the history.

I got out of the truck, and I walked, and I walked, and I walked until I walked back to the truck and continued driving.

I had nowhere to go, just anywhere but Idaho. I had to get away from that. I had to get away from the barn and the bodies. I had to get away.

I shot the one I loved most because I was trying to defend my mother.

I shot the one I had loved to protect the one I loved.

And inside, my soul decayed further.

I kept on driving to keep my thoughts away from the blood, but it filled my vision in scarlet. When the truck finally quit out on me, it was just outside the small town of Hikingson, the place I had visited earlier.

I guess all roads lead to the same place. Mine just happened to be this bastard town, the one where I saved Austin and the boys but I doomed the only people I loved in the process.

Had I still really loved Nicco? No. I couldn’t, but I did. And that hurt. That hurt too much for words to describe. I had loved him even as he held a gun up to my mom’s head. It shouldn’t be that twisted, but a warped part of me was too attached to him to even believe it was the same man.

So I had still loved him, but now I was just in disbelief.

I had shot the man I loved.

But my mom was dead.

Nothing could get worse.

The truck stopped and I got out. I didn’t stop to lock the car, I just kept walking. Down the main street, I walked. Down the highway, I walked. I walked until I saw the sign that Austin and I had met at earlier. The Long Road.

And I turned down that road, away from everyone else. I turned down that road and I kept walking.

Miles on I kept walking.

Rocks in my shoes and I trudged through the pain.

Dirt caking my legs, I kept walking.

It was late at night. I kept walking until I hit the end of the road. Twenty miles. Twenty miles long but I hit the end. I stood there, staring into the abyss of space and sky and stars and saw nothing but endless lights.

I heard movement, probably a deer, up on a hill to the left. I didn’t look. If it’s a killer, so kill me. I had killed and now I deserve the same fate.

A new stream of tears came rushing down my cheeks.

I had killed.

I had killed.

I had killed an actual human being.

As I stared there, closed eyes and waiting for something to take me away from this world, whether it was killer, exhaustion, or hunger, I waited and thought.

They say that love is the most powerful force in the world. It brings people together, causes mysteries to happen, and the impossible to become possible.

But that’s the funny thing. People hail love as this almighty ruler that is a benevolently invisible figure that heals the world. We all see the good and ignore the terrible effects that love brings. We see the married couple but forget about the divorce and the messiness that comes after that.

Love destroys families. Love hurts people deeper than anything else. Love causes people to forget themselves and change in terrible, terrible ways.

However, they’re right about one thing: love does cause the impossible to become possible. What’s the only force that can cause someone to shoot the one they love? Itself.

I shot the one I love to protect my family, the ones I love deeper. But that doesn’t change things. I killed someone I love.

Imagine killing your best friend to save your mother. Imagine killing your significant other just to keep your daughter safe.

Imagine killing your boyfriend even though your mother was already dead.

Love comes to stab you in the back, twist the knife, and take out your heart. Love does great things, sure, but the cons outweigh the pros.

They say be careful of who you trust.

I say be careful of who you love.

Love is the ultimate evil in this world and I wanted to rip it out of my soul. Why trust people when you know they’ll eventually hurt you? Why love someone ever again if you may face the fact you might have to kill them.

I stared at the sky and made myself a promise. I can’t love someone again. Why? If I fall in love with them, I’ll end up hurting them. They’ll end up hurting me. I can’t take that again.

I just can’t go through that again.

I felt the earth as I collapsed, my arms barely catching myself as I tumbled from exhaustion. My head lay on the silt earth as I looked up at the sky and hoped that this was the end, or at least the end of the day.

As I fell away, passing out into my mind, I heard footsteps.

And then, nothing.

Notes