Repeating Apologies

Alan POV
I sat in my room just thinking, its all I felt like doing. I couldnt stop thinking about Jack. He broke my heart, I tried so much to hate him, I mean, I did but, I just.. It hurt. I was a wreck, he treated me like I was everything, the only person on the planet. It was all lies... He had tried to text and call me but I convinced myself he wasnt. I tried so hard not to look at the messages and not to answer. Aaron would always make sure I didnt contact him and I was grateful for that. Austin hhas been trying so much to cheer me up, he was giving me the sweet little comments he used to do, he'd take us all out for dinner at times, he'd even playfully flirt with me. I didnt like that bit too much but he was trying.
I really wasnt up for trying for another relationship again, and his constant flirting angered me.
Austin POV
I just wanted Alan to feel better, I hated to see him so heartbroken. I wanted him back in my arms again and I guess last time I tried it was just too soon.
I was sat on the sofa just singing to myself like I always did for some reason. Honestly I dont know why I did it, it was just a habit. Alan walked through with his duvet around him and his hair messed, he'd just gotten up, as soon as he walked through the room I stopped my singing and gave him a warm smile like I always did. He forced a half smile back at me and carried on to the kitchen. Maybe he didnt want to talk to me today. That wasnt going to stop me talking to him though. I jumped up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen after him. He was making some breakfast for himself.
"Y'know its afternoon right?" I laughed, he just simply nodded his head. I walked to the fridge and got the milk out for him and placed it next to him, I was stood behind him as he turned his head and smiled as if to say thank you to me.
"Why dont you let me take you out? It might make you feel better, y'know, proper food" I knelt down so I could put my head beside his to ask. He just looked at me and then back at his cereal. "You havent put the milk in so its no too late to say yes"
He stifled a laugh slightly which made me smile, I hadnt heard him laugh for a while and I loved his laugh. He still didnt reply so I wrapped my arms around his chest and walked him out of the kitchen. "Austin what are you doing" he finally spoke.
"You're getting dressed because we're going out" I replied happily. He stopped still in the middle of the tv room and turned to me. "I really dont want to Austin, i'm not in the mood." He persisted.
I looked down at him and sighed playfully. "You will be" and with that I bent down and held his waist throwing him over my shoulder, he shouted my name and all sorts of profanities but I walked into his room and deposited him on the bed. "Now get changed or do I have to do that for you?" I said with a wink, he tried to hide the redness in his face. "I can handle that thanks." He replied spitefully. "Alright sourpuss" I turned around and walked out of his room to go get my things ready to take him out. I thought I should probably clean up a little bit too.
"Aaron, you coming with us?" I asked him, I was hoping he was going to say no so it was just me and Alan.. That sounds horrible but yknow. "Nah, I gotta go see the guys" He replied, I smiled and went to go knock on Alans door. "You ready yet kitten?" I knew his face probably just reddened in anger because I called him that but it was all fun and games in the end. There was no answer and he'd probably just fallen asleep. I opened the door slowly and there was a quick movement. I looked around the corner and Alan was sat on the bed holding his arm looking suspicious. He hadnt got changed at all either. "Whats going on?" He shook his head. "N-nothing, now get out im changing" I didnt do what he said, I had an idea of what was going on. I closed the door carefully and walked towards him slowly, he kept telling me to get out but would get up, and wouldnt uncover his arm.
"I know what you've done kitten" I said grievously. I couldnt believe him, I thought he was past all of this. I sat on the bed next to him and took his hand off his arm. He was sat with his legs crossed and in the middle of the bed. I surveyed the marks he had inflicted on his arms and sighed. I rested my head on his shoulder. "Why'd you do this kitten"
"You dont need to know" he replied sharply and cold.
"Alan, I can help" I persisted.
"No, now get the fuck out, I-I dont need you" He spat again, he was being cold and aggressive
Either im stupid or courageous but instead of saying more or walking out the room like he ordered me too I sat closer to him, wrapped my arms and legs around him and placed my head on his, giving him a gentle kiss as I did. This is what used to calm him down when we were younger and I hope it still worked otherwise he'd probably start hitting me.
But there was nothing.
No words came out of him, no fidgeting only the relaxation of his head into my chest and the silent sobbing he let out. He was hurt and he just needed comfort right now. I was going to give him it.
"It's okay tiger, let it out" I cooed. As soon as I said the word tiger he tensed. I guess thats what Jack used to call him. I think I might stick to the word kitten. "You prefer kitten then?" I asked with a small jokey tone, he kind of relaxed after that. There was something still there for him. Something worth fighting for still. "I've got you"
He was silent whilst we sat, his head pressed against my chest listening to my heartbeat. I could stay like this forever. Apart from the fact he just cut his arms and hes broken hearted but yknow. He finally raised his head and just said thank you. Softly and quietly.
I unwrapped myself from him and walked towards the door but before leaving him I said one final thing. "Now get changed" I smiled as he laughed a little.
Alan POV
After Austin left I felt cold. The warmth he brought was gone and i felt the same as I did before he came. I dont know why I did it, it was just a sudden urge I stupidly gave into. I had been clean for so long. I looked on my bed for the blade to at least put it away but I couldnt find it, I threw up my covers and it still wasnt there, under the bed? no. I bet that sneaky bastard took it.
I got up to get changed, noticing in the mirror my arm. I hated it, why the fuck did I do it? Ahh, im so weak sometimes. Once changed I walked outside and saw Austin sat on the sofa waiting for me, once he noticed me he smiled and stood up, holding out his hand for me to take it, but I didnt.
If anything I felt embarrassed. That he saw me like that. I didnt want to be like that ever again and I didnt want anyone to see me in that state. I also felt ashamed that he felt the need to do that, I shouldn't have to have someone come comfort me like that, im not a teenager. I was rejecting him and I dont know why. I guess I felt that he should try someone else, someone better. I'd be lying if I said I wanted all this kindness from him to stop. I kind of enjoyed the playful flirting from him. As much as I'd turn him down he'd still persist.
He was so sweet when we went out, as always. We were sat outside and the waiter had just left us. "So, how about him, hey Austin, looks like your type?" I joked, trying to actually sound fun for once. He smiled at me "I only have one 'type'" He replied.
"And whats that?" I laughed.
"You" He smirked and took a sip from his drink.
My cheeks flushed red. "No" I replied playfully. "bad Austin"
He stifled a laugh because the waiter came back with our food and before he left he asked "Anything else for you two?" I shook my head but Austin looked up at him and openend his stupid mouth. "Yeah-Uh, a date for my friend, he seems rather interested in you"
The waiters face was priceless, he looked disgusted and sickend. "Thats fucking sick dude" He replied and walked off in a huff whilst Austin just laughed to himself histerically. "Fuck you!" I shouted at him.
"What do you think I want?" He laughed. I pulled the 'for god sake' face at him before he corrected himself. "Not just that, I mean.. that'd be great" He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly trying to correct himself over and over. "I know Austin" I smiled. "But its not happening."
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Once we got back to the apartment I crashed straight on the sofa. I was happy, finally. Austin crashed beside me and he took his jacket off struggling with one of the arms. I leant over and gave him a hand. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on the sleeve of the jacket and pulled it off. It finally came off and my hand slipped onto his neck. The stubble that lays there underneath my thumb, I felt him swallow a lump in his throat as his eyes connected with mine. I wasnt planning this, I still felt it too soon, as he moved his face closer to mine I brought mine back. Not now. I still wasnt ready. I snapped my hand away from his neck and sat away from him. "I-I'm gonna go to bed" I stood up. "Uh yeah" He answered back, rubbing his forehead in thought. "Same"
We parted ways, as I was laid in bed I just couldnt get comfortable. Something was off and I dont know what it was. Surely it wasnt Austin right? I've been fine-ish on my own in bed. Its not like I need someone here. I wasnt cold nor hot. I was quite happy without the covers over me. I was wearing what I normally wear.
I rolled onto my side and tried to sleep yet again. Maybe it was that I needed someone near me? All these other nights I had just, cried myself to sleep. I didnt want to do that anymore.
The only thing I could think of was something I really didnt want to do but I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. I threw my feet to the floor a hoisted myself up, carefully and quietly opened my door so I was no in the tv room. I looked over to the kitchen and then Austins door.
I walked to the kitchen, maybe a glass of water will do right?
It didnt. I still didnt feel right. Quietly I knocked on his door and heard him speak. "Yeah?" He asked quietly. I took that as my que to go inside so I did. Slowly I opened the door, and closed it behind me. It was dark, but I could still see. He lifted his head and called me name but I didnt reply. I just walked up to his bed and crawled next to him. I saw him smile but his face was still full of question. I swallowed the lump in my throat, I was nervous. He wrapped his arm around me and we snuggled together. I relaxed as soon as I was pressed close to him, I could hear his breath in my ear, it was soothing to me. I didnt feel wrong anymore. It was right, this is what I needed.

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