Repeating Apologies

Austin POV
I feel like a bullet has literally just entered my chest and behind the trigger? Alan. I guess it is my fault, I left it too long, I cant be mad at him. He couldnt wait forever I guess, everyone has to move on. Maybe this really is the end of us, he and the other guy seemed good together. I was debating whether to go back to my apartment and see Shay but i just couldnt bare it.
Today I was going to literally hand myself over to Alan with shaky knees and love in my eyes but that isnt happening anymore. I wasnt going to tell Shay any of that, we'll just pretend it never happened and I'll just watch Alan be happy from the sidelines only wishing it was me that was making him smile that beautiful smile. Instead I was to be with someone that kind of had a short temper, I dont know how well things will go for us but I love him i guess.
I shouldnt have to remind myself that I love him. I feel like im forcing myself to love him, its not natural and love should come naturally. Like with Alan.
No austin, you cant think of him like that
I should listen to my inner dialogue a lot more than I do.
I walked past the local bar, thinking about entering, I couldnt make my mind up. Go home to Shay or drink the night away having to face Shays rath in the morning.
Drink away my sorrows like some pathetic teenager in love or go home to Shay and possibly get laid. In any normal situation I would always pick going home to Shay but I found myself walking into the bar without realizing.
I know I dont drink but I was being pulled towards it. I was tempted into drinking again and I gave in. After all these years, I gave into it.
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My head was pounding, I had a horrible taste in my mouth, i was cold, shivering and shaking. I felt dead. I peeled my eyes open and I was in my own bed. My own bed?
I dont know how I got there and I really really want to know how, I rubbed my eyes and tried to sit up, slowly and carefully I stood, placing my feet carefully on the floor. It took me a couple of seconds to get my bearings but I managed to walk to the door, I didnt bother looking at myself, I didnt want to see myself. I opened the door and took a step through but didnt quite have my feet placed properly on the floor and I fell into the door frame but managed to catch myself on it, I was perched on the side when Shay stood up on the sofa, took a glance at me, scoffed and walked into the kitchen.
Something happened. But what?
"Shay?" I murmured. It sounded so slurred and I could still smell the stink of alcohol in my breath. i really let myself go. I managed to stumble into the kitchen behind him, rubbing my eyes still to adjust to the brighter lights.
"Why didnt you come home?" Shay spat nastily. He turned around on the spot and rested his hand on the counter. Why didnt I come home exactly?
"I just- I dont know what came over me" Shay just rolled his eyes and turned around.
"W-What happened?" I dangerously asked, Shay wasnt the kind of person to talk to when he was mad, he just attacked verbally.
"What happened Austin is I got a call from the bar staff, BY YOUR PHONE, to come a get you because you were getting violent and stupid."
My face reddened. Thats embarrassing and the exact reason I dont drink, because I get violent. I sighed in mortification and rubbed my face once again. "Shay- I'm, I'm sorry"
He gave me one final blank stare before moving away and out of the kitchen. Before he got to the door he stood by my side, he did not look at me, not even a glance. "Count your blessings.. the sofa is yours" and with that he disappeared out of the kitchen.
I'd really fucked up this time. Moments later I heard the door slam, I guess he'd gone out. I dont blame him, i wouldnt want to be around me like this. The only thing I could bring myself to do today was buckle my head down at try write a song atleast. Being somewhat emotional made for really good song writing days. My mind would flow freely letting my emotion out onto paper and it'd turn out pretty good in the end.
I wanted to write something that says that I make mistakes but I will never stop loving, that i'm sorry and that i can only try to be my best for them, that i will try and try again. A while later I had some bits together, I had mainly been working on the tune so not many lyrics were down but the first couple of lines i had sorted.
'I hope you know, I swear, I've never done this before, and I care, I'm so sorry.'
I was going to write it about being sorry, for Shay and show that I was going to be good to him but I kept drifting off to Alan. About how sorry I am for putting him through what I did, making him wait and not saying goodbye. I had never been in that kind of situation before, I hadnt had the hard decision of two people before and I hadnt had that kind of rejection, not from him. It was bad that after everything I just put Shay through I was still concentrating more about what I had put Alan through. I was a wreck.
Im sorry xx I decided to text Alan. I felt I needed to , at least apologize just in-case I embarrassed him the other night. For saying to him that I chose him and that I wanted him. Now I thought about it, it sounded stupid. I wanted him and I chose him, like some kind of pokemon. It was just wrong.
Alan : You're not, don't bother talking to me unless its band related.
By that reply I couldnt help but think something else happened last night, because I don't know what else it couldve been. Unless I really did embarrass him, oh god.
Austin : What did I do? xxAlan : Dont act stupid, you know exactly what you did, you're a piece of shit and a liar at that too.
Austin : I seriously don't know what I did, Alan, please tell me xx
Alan : You embarrassed the fuck out of me in-front of everyone in the bar last night, you said you regret everything you ever did with me, I don't want to even remind myself of any of it. You was drunk Austin, since when did you drink.
Austin : Oh shit. I got cut up by the rejection, im sorry, i just couldnt handle it. It was too much, I dont know what came over me, I didnt mean anything I said. I wasnt me, i was drunk. Please, forgive me. I dont know how much more sorry I can be, if theres anything I can do to make it up to you, please, just tell me. xx
Alan : Whatever
I got him, I knew that whenever he said 'Whatever' he was at a loss for words, that he didnt know what to reply. He was hopefully thinking about it. Hopefully. I also knew that I would have to do a lot to make it up to him, i know how easy words can hurt him, especially when coming from someone he lov- used to love.
'Scarred you for life, please come back to me, down on my knees, repeating apologies.' I was content with that line, I had a good idea of what to write next, all that was left after that was to put it together.
'Why do I deny, the heart thats grown colder, too quick, to criticize the lullaby'
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"We've got band practise babe" Shay whispered in my ear, it woke me but I wasnt in bed. I was on the sofa with my guitar next to me and notebook next to me, I then remembered what I was doing last night. I guess I fell asleep before I could everything down. Its not as if I was welcomed to the bed.
I rubbed my eyes and was taken aback from Shay being so loving and kind right now. Last I knew, he was mad at me. "What time is it?" I dared myself to speak
"11"
"Wait, you called me babe"
"Of course I did"
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. Did something I didnt realize happen again?
"I saw the song you wrote. I know you're sorry, I just get stressed sometimes" I couldnt reply. He thought it was for him, oh god. Thats because he doesnt know about what happened with me and Alan and oh my god im in a mess right now.
"We should play it for the guys today, it'll sound good"
Without saying a word I just nodded my head.
All the way there Shay had a smile on his face which I admit, it was nice to see and even better knowing I made him smile, but then the realization hit me that the song wasnt actually for him and then that just made me back to my usual state. How was I supposed to act when we got there, or when we would show them the song. He would know its about him, how can I hide any of it? Things could either go from bad to worse or get better.

Notes