My Understandings

---3 1/2 years later---
Looking back at who I was years ago, I was completely different. I didn't know who I was anymore and I didn't know how to get back to who I was.
I had a drinking problem. I smoked and took drugs. I was in a deep state of depression. I still longed for that feeling of slicing my skin open every now and then. If I wasn't destroying my body from the inside, i'd do it from the outside. I had a couple more tattoos now and I had buffed up more. I wasnt the same scrawny kid as before. I got into fights a lot.
I hadn't let anyone get close to me romantically, I did have a couple of random flings with people, y'know i'd go home with them and leave the next morning without a word.
I was a piece of shit and I hated myself.
I still lived with Aaron and he was such a sweetheart. He tried and tried to get me out of this state but nothing worked. I was empty, I had no feelings anymore.
The only thing that was the same about me was that I still played guitar. That's all. The song he once sung me? I'd forgotten it. I knew the chords but I didn't know the lyrics. They were gone from me.
I hadnt gone a day without thinking of Austin and how he moved on. He didn't even bother looking for me or getting hold of me.
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I hadn't been on tumblr for ages because I didn't want to see his posts. But today, I decided to look in my askbox.
"omfg what happened?"
"Ohhhhnoooo what happened with you and austin?"
"No austlan?"
"what happened?"
I didnt reply to any. I deleted them all.
I wanted to forget about that part of my life, I tried so hard to forget but no matter what I did, it just came back to me.
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I went to the bar where Aaron worked and sat there, talking to him as he served other customers drinks and he would stand and talk to me when no body ordered anything. He was saying that the place was starting to hire bands to play here and that I should think about doing it. I'm only a guitarist though, i'd need more than just me.
"Nah see, they just want someone to play music, band or solo." I shook my head but he was persistent
"Look, you play guitar and i'll sing?" I looked up at him, i'd feel better if he was there with me, and I needed a change in what I do. I agreed to do it as-long as he was singing.
He told the manager straight away and she put us to the test. She handed me a random guitar and me and Aaron walked to the stage.
We played what most people wanted to hear 'hold on, we're going home' by Drake. They were the kind of people that liked that kind of music, we didn't really but its what people like to hear.
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I still had the guitar that Austin bought me when I was 17. I hadn't touched it since I found out about him and this guy he's with. I bought a new one and use that instead. I think if I was to even touch that guitar I'd breakdown. I'd stare at it a couple of times in the day, whenever I was playing a tune on my other guitar i'd look at it. I seemed to play better if I had an emotion.
That night I went out to a bar, I had no idea what bar it was, i'd never been there before. I ordered drink after drink, my empty glasses and bottles were filling the tables and then all my head could think of was how much I had had enough of ignoring Tumblr. I hadn't posted anything since I was in Cali. I put a picture of all the bottles and glasses on the table with the caption of
"Back to the booze. What could be better.. right?"
I was hoping, secretly hoping to dear god that Austin saw it and he'd send me an ask or something. Something to tell me that he'd seen it and he'd acknowledged that i'm alive or i'm actually somewhere. But.. nothing.
A couple of guys offered me 'something to make you forget' and me being me, i took it.
My head was spinning, my heart was thumping, my stomach was doing flips, I couldn't see what I was doing, I was shaking, panicking, sweating, vomiting, shouting and screaming. You name it.
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I remember waking up on a bench, I had bruises all over me, I was covered in cuts and dabs of blood was on my arms and when I touched my face i'd have blood stained fingers. I had vomit down my shirt and I stunk.
What the hell did I take last night? I put my head up slightly (which sent my head spinning) to see where I was but I had no idea so I put my head back down. I'm sure getting up slowly will be a better idea.
I heard voices around me like someone saying "Oh my god what a bum" and then someone said "How could anyone get to that stage in their life?" I didn't open my eyes, I didn't reply, i just laid there and then I heard a familiar voice.
"A-Alan?"

Notes

So, thats the end of this story. What happens? You'll have to wait for the next story because there is a sequel called 'Repeating Apologies' Thanks so much for reading.