it seems like forever since I tore myself apart

After we all got ready, I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes. They would see the real person I am. I hide behind all the sarcastic jokes, i hide behind all the stupid things I say and I can’t stop all these things. One topic starts and i can't stop thinking about it. Like right now i think of how I fucked up. Their parents won’t ever like me, and I don’t even know if I can make more friends.
I think I hear someone call my name, but imp so wrapped up in how I feel I don’t really want to talk.
I need to figure this out in my head anyway.

But honestly, don’t you think that Mike and they don’t even care about me anymore? I mean why would they in the first place? I am a stupid, fat, ugly person and I can’t or even want to be friends with me. It’s hard living in my own body in the first place. I want to either shoot myself or just make myself throw up acid because my body is so disgusting. I think that’s why I do sports. Sports are so much fun and such a relief to my mind when I do them. Do you think it’s because I-
My thoughts are interrupted when I see Mike shaking my shoulder.
“Dude, why are you talking like that?” He questions and I look at him. He must be hearing things because I wasn’t talking.
I was surely thinking.
You know sometimes when I get so inside my head I can’t see what’s in front b of me? I mean I can, but it doesn’t process. Like when you are reading and you get too tied up in what’s going on within it, the outside world fades away and you can see, but you don’t process. I think that’s how I am. I just don’t process.

But when I finally “open” my eyes we are walking through doors, and I am carrying a guitar.
“How did I get this guitar?” I question because it wasn’t Blue, and I don’t take things without someone saying I can.
‘’You volunteered to take it because mike has to take his drums in.’’ Vic spoke like I was the silliest person in the world. I mean maybe I was.
“Oh rad. Okay, so do we have to do the same song that we turn in? Or can we switch it up?” I question because honestly, if I sing disappear, I will break down.
And I don’t want to do that inform of my new friends. If they are even my friends.

“Of course were your friends, why would you think differently?” Vic questions signing in, and apparently Mike to. I shrug and he smiles sadly, like he knows whats up.
Doubt it.

As I sign in, it asked for my name, grade, todays date, birthdate and that’s it.

I don’t even remember where my house is at. I need my guitar, but its at my house and I don’t know where that is. Whatever, i can ask my dad what the address is. And maybe Mike and Vic can come over too!! Dude how fun would that be?
I smile knowing that it will be fun if they agree.They can help me unpack if my dad didn't get much done.
He didnt help me write a song cause work needs him. Well whatever, i have one i want to do.
I hope they like it.

I ask Vic if I can get out the guitar and he nods, after pulling me into the green room or backstage.
Unclipping the hard case, i pull it out and start to tune it, it only being a little off.

"Wow, i can't get rid of you can i?" Someone jokes and i look up from my spot on the floor, and see Ahren.

He wants to get rid of me? That kind of puts a damper on my already dampered mood.
''No, no no no, it was a joke.'' He spoke and I widen my eyes, i must be speaking aloud.
''Yeah a little bit, but I didnt know you were going to school here.'' he said and took a seat next to me.

''Um yeah, i don't look like a 16 year old.'' i spoke softly, strumming a couple strings. ''Oh shit.'' he said and shook his head.
''I didn't know you were 16. This won't really work I guess.'' He said sadly and i look at him.

Notes

OHHH SHIT WHY DOES HE THINK THIS?

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