The 50 Things Jaime Preciado Isn't Allowed To Do List

During my bass playing life I've been banned from a few things. I put a load of them into list form but everyone just can't get enough of my wrong doings.

51. The Microsoft “Dancing Paperclip” is not allowed to influence my actions.

52. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” in a hospital ward does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s IV is acceptable.

53. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by the media.

54. My microphone is not a forum to voice my ideas.

55. My microphone is not to be used to replace the God of our fans.

56. My microphone is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

57. Shouting “Lock up your daughters! I have arrived!” while visiting the Vatican is bad.

58. Should not show up at a show or interview dressed as Prince, messily drunk.

59. Even if Vic did it.

60. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

61. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring just to see if anyone will drink my urine mistaking it for WKD.

62. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream as I pee.

63. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke.

64. Putting tic tacs into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all at a show is not funny.

65. The proper way to answer the phone to my manager Michelle is “Jaime here, I hope you're well” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

66. Teaching toddlers to cry when Vic holds them is not nice.

67. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while wearing Key Street clothing because it "sends out the wrong message and cheapens the brand".

68. If I take the Key Street clothes off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

69. The revolution is not now.

70. No part of my bass is edible.

71. Take that hat off.

72. There is no such thing as a ware-virgin.

73. I do not get “that time of month”.

74. No, the pants are not optional.

75. Not allowed to operate a business out of Mike's bunk.

76. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

77. Not even if they are “especially punk rock films”.

78. “A dirty magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

79. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

80. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought to a meet and greet.

81. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

82. Jess has neither the time, nor the energy to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups while she's working.

83. I am not the Emperor of anything.

84. Do not dare Bring Me The Horizon to eat bugs. They will always do it.

85. The proper response to a kid telling me what the meaning to I'm Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket is is not “That’s what you think”.

86. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

87. I am not allowed to sing "Jaime The Great” until verse 68 ever again.

88. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

89. Tony's mother is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in my bunk.

90. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term band goal to give the press.

91. An airsickness bag on planes is to be used for airsickness only.

92. Prince Harry is not “my bitch”.

93. Olde English is not appropriate for any professional form or document.

94. It is advisable to actually learn to fly a plane, before claiming to be able to do so.

95. Gonasyphaherpaloids is not a real disease.

96. If the voices in my head tell me to go to a kids birthday party and shake it around a little I am to assume that I need professional help.

97. Do not attempt to place subliminal messages in our songs.

98. Guitar picks are not kept in the refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the box.

99. Guitar players do not “consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their skill.”

100. Do not attempt to communicate with the press using only Madonna lyrics.

Notes

Hey! You wanted part two so here it is. Part three will be up, if you want it of course. What was your favourites? There are a few of you who have told me ugh should write your own lists. Submit them through the comments or message me. Or you can message me on tumblr. If I get enough people I will dedicate a chapter to all your submissions! xo