Forever Eternal

I hopped off of my bus, the rest of Forever Eternal in tow and I ran my fingers through my curly, blue and platinum blonde hair. Halfway to the stage I noticed that Cleo was no longer behind me.

“What happened to Cleo?” I asked Ben, the lead guitarsist.

“I think she ran into Kellin Quinn,” he said.

I chuckled under my breath. She was probably fangirling so hard right now.

“She’s not the only one who’s going to be fangirling,” Drew, the other guitarist said, as if reading my mind.

“What?” I asked.

“Look,” Derek, our drummer, said, pointing ahead of me by a few of the buses.

“Holy shiz biscuits,” I gasped.

Ronnie Radke was walking around with Ryan and Max. My body froze and my band mates walked into me. I fell to the ground and grunted.

“Hey, are you okay?” Ryan asked, walking up to me and helping me up.

“Y-yeah. I’m j-just clumsy,” I stuttered.

Ryan gave me a sweet smile and I felt my heart melt a bit. I saw out of the corner of my eye, Ronnie smirking at Max, who smirked back. Ugh….they probably guessed that I liked Ryan. Way to hide your feelings, Kay.

“What’s your name?” Ryan asked.

“Kay, Kay Dales,” I smiled shyly.

“My name’s Ryan Seaman,” he said, holding out his hand for me to shake.

“I know who you are,” I blushed.

“Are you in a band or something?” Ronnie asked.

“Um…yeah…I’m in a newer band. We’re called Forever Eternal. We’re sort of like Flyleaf style wise. We have a set in about forty minutes if you want to come check us out,” I said.

“We’ll be there,” Ryan said.

“Cool,” I breathed, “I’ll see you then.”

“Okay. See you then,” Ryan smiled.

The guys walked away and I finally started to breath somewhat normally.

****************************************************************************

I paced nervously backstage as I waited for the cue to head on stage. As much as I loved to sing and share my passion with others, I had severe anxiety, performance, social, you name the type of anxiety, I have it. My sweaty palms gripped tightly onto the mic and I had to wipe my hands onto my black skinny jeans. I pulled down the sleeves of my Pierce the Veil shirt and took a deep breath as Kenny gave me the go ahead to start the performance.

“Hey everyone!” I said as Forever Eternal filed on stage, “We’re Forever Eternal! We hope you’re having a great day at Warped Tour! It’s a dream come true to be performing on the same tour as some of my favourite artists, so thank you guys for making it happen. Do you have anything to add, Cleo?”

“Nope, you basically covered it,” she smiled.

My hands shook slightly as one of our newer songs began. My first few notes were a bit shaky, but by the third line I was owning the song, at least I’d like to think so. It was ecstatic to see the crowd singing along. My eyes glazed over the crowd looking for the Falling in Reverse boys and as luck would have it, they were right in the middle of the crowd. They seemed to be enjoying the show, which was a huge confidence booster for me. By our second to last song, I was feeling the effects of wearing longs sleeves and jeans. Still, as I sang the last song, I pushed through and the crowd didn’t seem to notice at all.

“Thank you guys so much! Come stop by our merch tent and pick up our CD and say hi to Cody, one of the sweetest merch guys you’ll meet!” I said to the crowd, out of breath.

I shuffled back to my brother, Brian Logan Dales’, bus.

“Woah, you look like crap,” he said as he opened the bus door.

“Ugh, I feel like it,” I groaned, “Now can I please hang in here? The air conditioner in our van is busted.”

“Sure, I guess. Can I ask why you decided to wear that amount of clothing?” he asked.

“You can ask, but I’m not giving you an answer,” I mumbled.

Brian gave me a sad, understanding, brotherly smile and I felt a pang of guilt.

Brian already guessed about my self-harming issue. He never asked, of course, or at least he didn’t prod me for an answer. He didn’t guilt trip me about it like most siblings or parents would, which I appreciated. It’s not like I didn’t try to stop. I did. Honest. But, I couldn’t help it. After three weeks I would break and it would be months until I tried to stop again. I’ve been self-harming for four years. I guess Brian leaving and starting a band was a trigger. I never thought highly of myself and when Brian started being successful, I felt like my parents would be disappointed by whatever I did in comparison. I never hated Brian for it, though. He was the one who talked me into starting a band in the first place. He and I were closer than most brothers and sisters. However, even though we were close, I never told him my secrets. I didn’t tell him about my cutting, bulimia, depression, my inferiority complex, or my tendencies to drink a bit too much when stress got to me. I wanted him to always think of me as the innocent, sweet Kay, not the 21-year old mess that I really am.

Brian and I flopped down on the couch.

“So how was your performance?” he asked.

“It was good. Some of the guys from Falling in Reverse were there, so that was definitely cool.”

“I wished I could have been there, but I had an interview with Bryan Stars,” he apologized.

“It’s okay, just as long as you promise to show up for at least one of our shows.”

“You know I will. Oh, by the way, I’m having some of my friends over in a few if that’s okay with you,” he said.

“It’s totally fine with me. It’s your bus anyway.”

As if on cue, the bus door swung open and in came a group of four guys. My blood boiled as I set eyes on the friends that my brother was talking about. All Time Low.

Alex immediately went to give Brian a hug and I shifted away from them. Jack, Rian, and Zack smiled kindly at me, but I just stared coldly at them.

Most people would wonder why I hated All Time Low so much. The answer was pretty simple, actually. For one, my brother loved those guys. He would constantly call me while he was on tour and instead of asking me how I was, he would go on and on about what ‘funny’ stuff those boys did. I tried to hold judgment on them until I met them and I did. The first time I met them, was one of the days I was able to visit Brian on tour. The guys had decided to dress in drag and acted like five year olds. They took nothing seriously and it pissed me off. I tried to hold an intelligent conversation with them and they just made sex jokes. I don’t hate funny people, really, but I do hate people who never take anything seriously. Plus, Alex would constantly tease me about being Brian’s younger sister. It drove me nuts. Now to know that I would have to spend the whole tour sharing my brother with these stupid jack-asses made me want to tear my fucking hair out.

“Hey, what’s up tyke?” Alex teased as he parted from Brian.

“I’m not a tyke, Gasfart,” I growled.

“Ooh. Gasfart, that’s a good one,” Jack laughed.

“Shut up, Bear-scat,” I huffed.

“Are you calling me bear shit?” Jack said in mock offense.

“No shiz. And jeez, Gaskarth, what the hell are you wearing?” I asked, noticing his Justin Bieber shirt.

“I’d ask the same about you. Are you trying to get heat stroke or are you trying to hide your lack of a body?” he laughed.

I heard all the guys except Alex gasp at his comment. I felt tears form in my eyes.

“Dude, I think that was a bit harsh,” Rian whispered to Alex.

“Fuck you,” I spat at Alex.

I stormed off of the bus and ran back to my own. The rest of the band wasn’t anywhere to be seen, and I was glad for that right now. I ran into the bathroom, closed the door and found my razor.

“See, you’re not the only one who thinks you look like shit,” I shot at myself.

Tears streamed down my face as I lifted the sleeves of my shirt and started to cut away. This was without a doubt going to be one of the worst summers of my life.

Notes