Falling At Your Feet

“Valentine, can I please talk to you?” Austin stopped me in my tracks one day. Damn. I’d been avoiding him and it seemed like he’d caught on.
“I have a show.” I said shortly, stepping around him.
He followed. “Please? I know all about Scott, V. Just let me talk to you.”
It felt like there would never be warmth or happiness in the world when Austin said his name. I felt as if someone had put a box of razor blades in skull and tossed it around. “You can’t possibly know all about him.”
“Please.” He begged one last time, looking defeated.
“Find me after my show.”
**
"Hey, let's finish with Video Games today." Sam told us last minute. "A lot of people have been requesting it."
He knew who that song was about, so he also must have known that I would rather die than perform that song at the moment.
"Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Open up a beer
And you say, "Get over here
And play a video game."

I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown

I say, "You the bestest."
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby, now you do

Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games

He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby, now you do

Now you do
Now you do
Now you do

Now, now you do
Now you do
Now you do

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby, now you do

Now you do
(Now you do)
Now you do."

I wanted to die. Shoulders shaking, I ran off of the stage. Doing that song was a terrible idea. What was I thinking?
Vic tried to stop me but I jerked away, not stopping. I knew exactly who I needed in that moment and it made me feel awful. Moving on, establishing a relationship rather than just sporadic hookups had always been out of the question but with him it was something that sounded more appealing than anything in the world.
I ran straight into Austin’s arms, crying like a crazy person. He wrapped his strong arms around me and didn’t let go.
“No one’s on my bus. Let’s go there, alright?” He asked. I nodded, following the whole way. He didn’t move his arm from around my shoulder for a second.
“I met him when I was seventeen.” I said suddenly once Austin sat me down at the table in his bus and busied himself making a cup of tea. “He was nineteen and everything I ever wanted, a history major at UCLA. Scott could tell you anything and everything about world history. His father always teased him, asking what he was going to do with a history degree, but he loved it. It was his passion. I was a music major. We lived together, studied together, went out together. We did everything together.” Austin sat down, nodding and not interrupting, which I appreciated. I knew that if I stopped talking now, I might never start again. “He loved to be reckless. He loved his drugs, he loved his women too. I was one of many, but I was the one he came home to. I always told him that one day he was going to end up killing himself-“
“Go on.” Austin said when I bit my lip to keep from breaking down again, biting down so hard I could taste blood.
“One day we got in a terrible fight over something absolutely petty but it escalated horribly. We both said unforgivable things. I said that at the rate he was going, he was going to have a heart attack and die while he was . . . while he was in one of those little blonde girls he was so infatuated with.” I said, marinating in my own insidious actions. “And he said he was done, and he got on his motorcycle and left. I pieced together what happened that night later. He went out with some of his friends and did more coke than he should have. Crashed his bike into a wall. Died on impact. The worst part was when . . . when I had to ID him. I’ll never forget it.”
“Val. . .” Austin said softly.
“I felt so guilty. What if we had never gotten in that fight? What if I had stopped him from leaving? I couldn’t handle any kind of relationship. I stayed inside, didn’t eat for days on end. The only thing I really did was sleep around.” I said, disgusted with myself. “Married men, older men, drug dealers, record execs, lawyers, men who had old money, journalists. . . I really didn’t discriminate. I had a really bad time for a couple years.”
“So that’s my story.” I finished, looking up at him. “Pretty horrid, isn’t it? Pretty little broken thing. He always said he had a fascination with breaking things and putting them back together but I guess he never finished with me, just left me in pieces.”
“I am so sorry that happened to you.” He said slowly. “You’re too good a person to have had such bad things happen to you, but isn’t that the way it always works out?”
“I’m sorry for being so freaky lately. I have real intimacy issues.” I sighed.
“I want to be here for you. Really.” He said eagerly.
“I’m not sure you know what you’re signing up for.” I laughed hoarsely. “But I’m very glad I told you everything.”
“It makes me so happy to know you trust me enough to tell me all of this. And Valentine, being with someone else doesn’t make you a bad person. He definitely wasn’t always faithful to you but I’m certain he had your happiness at heart. Don’t you agree?”
“I suppose. Who ever did you have in mind though?” I teased, smiling for the first time.
“That’s the Valentine I know! Come on, let’s go watch a movie.” Austin smiled, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
“Can we cuddle?”
“Of course we can.”

Notes

Title lyrics: Video Games by Lana Del Rey
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