Falling At Your Feet

There was nothing better than sitting in the shade and people watching with one of my best friends on a hot day. Vic leaned against the wall next to me one day near the end of June, completely at ease.
"How are things with Austin?" He asked casually.
"Seeing as we're just friends, I can't imagine why you always seem to be asking me that." I said coolly.
"Come on, V! You guys would be great together, we all agree!" Vic exclaimed.
"What, do you and Alex and Jack and Sam and Matt and Mike all just get together and plan my love life?" I demanded.
"You and Austin have both been single for a while. He thinks you're great. Why are you denying that there could be something there?" He asked.
"If I don't want to date then that's my decision and I really don't appreciate all of you trying to force me into something I'm not interested in." I said hotly.
"We're not forcing you! I have your best interests at heart here, why can't you see that? I just want you to be happy!" He argued.
"And you think I need a man to be happy?" I asked tersely. He was really beginning to test my patience.
"Of course you don't." He said shortly.
"Do you know how long it's been?" I asked,my voice dropping. "Almost four years to the date. It's ultraviolence, isn't it?"
"Valentine-"
"Four goddamn years." I laughed hollowly. "Four years! It feels like so much longer. It feels like I haven't seen him in a lifetime. You know, right after it happened I was at his mother's house and do you know what she told me? 'Don't blame yourself'. Of course I did, but how could she know? She had no idea what happened that night. Was it only natural for me to feel guilty?"
"V-"
"Four years and I still think it was all in vain. For nothing. And I still have this overwhelming sense of guilt that I know is irrational deep down but I can't get rid of it and it kills me every fucking day and I shouldn't be able to move on because that makes me a bad person and I can't make myself feel better and lately I've been thinking about him so much-"
"Valentine!" Vic shook my shoulders. "Take a deep breath. Everything's okay. Come here."
"I'm sorry for yelling at you." I whispered as he hugged me. "I've been a bit of a mess."
"It's okay. Don't worry about it." He replied. "You've got a signing to go to. You're going to be okay."
"I know I am; I don't need you to tell me." I smiled cheekily and Vic took a sigh of relief.
"That's my girl. Always with the sass. Go sign some autographs!" He laughed.
**
"Hey, what's wrong with you?" Sam asked as I sat down next to him for our signing.
"Absolutely nothing." Besides the fact that I'm falling apart at the seams.
"You look sad. Don't lie to me." He argued. I gave him the most evil look I could muster and he fell silent. "Fine. Austin was looking for you."
The last fucking thing I wanted or needed was Austin. A great guy, no doubt about it, but I wasn't trying to fall in love when I could barely process my own emotions and hold it together.
"Valentine!" Austin called, jogging up beside me after we'd finished the signing and I was walking back to my bus. "What's up?"
"Not much." I said in a falsely cheery voice. "Just finished a signing."
"Are you alright?" He asked. "Vic said-"
"I really don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Are you down for a game of horseshoes then?" He smiled.
"I'm always down for horseshoes." I laughed in spite of everything. "Only if you'll be my partner again."
"Naturally."

Notes

Title lyrics; Dark Paradise by Lana del Rey