Leaving the cave, going into the unknown

It got very quiet in the room and the tension could be felt from miles away, this was defiantly not the reaction he was expecting. I imagine that in his head right now would have been the perfect time ‘pop the question’ and me saying that we needed to talk was the last thing in his mind. He just nodded and stormed into the house, I lightly smiled at everyone and followed him with my head down like I had done something wrong. When I arrived in the living room I saw him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, I couldn’t begin to imagine what thoughts were racing threw his mind. I treaded lightly and sat down next to him being careful not to touch him. We sat in silence for a bit not sure who should be talking first; I was about to speak before Alan piped in.

“I just don’t get it. I thought things were great and we wanted this, you wanted this. I’m confused and angry but I don’t know who I’m angry at you or me.” He took a breath, unsure of what to say next and looked at me for the first time in what felt like forever.

“Alan, I love you more than anything else but we have to be honest with ourselves. You wouldn’t be asking me to marry you if it weren’t for the baby, and I don’t want to start a marriage like that. I’m not saying no and I’m not saying yes I just think that now is not a good time.” I looked down again, not being able to look him in the eye while telling him; I felt the couch move from beside me signaling that he had gotten up.

“You know what, that’s a load of crap. I love you, baby or no baby and I think you’re just scared of marriage or you just don’t love me. Do you feel like we’re only together because of the baby? Is that it because if it is then you’re a real bitch for keeping me around for this long only to let me down. Did you just do this because you wanted a baby? Huh?” He shouted at me, I didn’t really know where he was getting these ideas from but I think it was mostly because he didn’t know what else to think about this situation.

“Of course none of that’s true I love you and I’m not scared of marriage I just don’t want to start a marriage because I’m pregnant and you feel inclined to marry the mother of your child. I want it to be because we decided that it was the right step for our relationship.” I shouted back, I was trying to calm down and not but too much stress on the baby and myself but Alan was not helping.

“What would be so wrong with marrying the mother of my child anyway? You know what I need to go and figure shit out because I don’t even know if this is going to work anymore.” I just ran out the door, I didn’t blame him. I knew that what he was saying wasn’t true that he was digging into the deepest parts of his mind trying to figure out for himself why I wouldn’t say yes to him. I just sat there and tried to control my breathing and not worry but I cracked and started crying.
The only person I’d ever loved just walked out on me while I was over 7 months pregnant with his child.

“Hey are you guys alr… where’s Alan?” Austin came into the room and sat down next to me after seeing I was crying. He rubbed my back and took me in his arms shushing me until I calmed down.

“He left, he said that he needed time to figure it out because he wasn’t sure if it was going to work. I can’t go after him because of the baby and bed rest and I broke his heart I let him down. I want to marry him just not right now it’s too soon to much is changing and I can’t take it Austin I just can’t.” He looked at me.

“Hey listen you need to just calm down okay and think of Dee, she can’t be under this much stress. I will go and find Alan and talk to him and until then go in the back and eat some cake and talk to everyone. Don’t’ worry about it this is just how Alan is when he doesn’t get his way, he storms off then comes back.” I nodded and he carried me into the back and sat me down my chair. He handed me a piece of cake and went out the door. There was no awkwardness everyone just started up a normal conversation and went back to what they were doing, I was very thankful of that.

I started to wonder what I would do without him; I would become a single parent and Alan would barley get to see her. She would basically grow up without a father and I would be alone forever only because I didn’t say yes. As much as I wanted to now give in to the proposal I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. You don’t start a marriage to please someone else; you do it because you think it’s the right time and thing to do.

I was onto my third piece of cake before I heard the front door open and two sets of footsteps coming in through the front door. I didn’t want to turn around and face him yet, would he still want to be with me after this or would Dee have separated parents. I felt a hand on my back and I looked up to see a very sad Alan with tears in his eyes, our tear stained faces matched to a t. He sat next to me and whimpered into my ear so only I would hear him.

“I’m so sorry for what I said, I love you so much and I would never leave you. I’m sorry for stressing you out it was stupid of me to put pressure on you when I know that it would put my daughters life in danger if you were to stress too much. I guess with worrying about Dee and you and the pressure of everything I over reacted a bit. If you’re not ready to get married then we can wait until you are ready just let me know and I’ll be yours. Don’t think I meant anything I said I know you didn’t get pregnant just because you wanted a baby. We’re fine as long as you’ll still have me as your boyfriend.” I looked him in the eyes and nodded, he leaned into kiss me and everyone let out a cheer of relief.

“How about I wear the ring but on the other hand like a promise ring until I am ready. Ok?” I asked.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea.” He took the ring out of his pocket and put it on my right hand. The rest of the night went on without a hitch, and it felt like a sigh of relief compared to the beginning of the evening.

Notes

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